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The city that night was no different than usual. The sky jet-black, filled with noise: screams, rustling, cars honking, glass breaking, hurried steps or slower ones of people going out for a walk who couldn't sleep. Matthew heard it all. It was a noise that never went away. He could hear the guns firing, knives taken out, sound of broken bones and hideous screams filled with terror. He could hear it all, he could sense it all, and so it was his burden. His choice and along with that his duty to help the people, the city, make it quieter.
And so he did that night. He was in an alley, fighting a man who threatened a woman to stab her because she didn't respond to his flirting. He threw a few punches, and the man was lying on the ground, bleeding from his forehead.
Daredevil went up on the walls to the top of the roof to observe the city further. His own injuries weren't that bad, a few bruises and maybe a cut on his face. Nothing special. Matt sighed. The wind was blowing on his face gently. Despite the horrors of the city, it was a beautiful night, the stars were shining, the moon was full, for someone who was not Matt, this night could be considered peaceful. But Hell's Kitchen was never peaceful.
Matt was exhausted. He had a shitty day at work, lots of clients, he spilled his coffee at Karen (it was her new shirt), a guy on the street bumped him causing his cane to fall on the street, his coffee maker broke so he had to listen to Frank complaining about it the whole day. Summarizing: he had enough.
He was on the way to his flat when he heard muffled screams. Five men were dragging a young woman into the car. The sound was faint, they were a little far away. He heard a starting engine. They were on move, and so was Matt. He started running as fast as he could, jumping from roof to roof. His knees felt weaker with every jump, he was landing harder. The faster he moved the more vivid the sound became. They were taking her to a remote place. An abandoned building, probably.
"A hideout?" Matt thought.
There were men, too many men. Armed with firearms. He couldn’t take them out on his own; he could try but could end up dead or cause too much trouble and the hostages could be killed. He sighed and pulled out his phone. He dialed a number and waited for a signal.
“Hey Frank, uh you busy?”
“uh nah, what's up?” the man answered, on the other side of the phone Matt could hear grunts and heavy breathing (not Frank's) also he could clearly hear a gun Frank's his hand, rustling under his grasp.
“Frank–you sure? I can hear you holding a gun”
“Yeah, yeah I'm sure” The other man that Frank surely beat up made a sound, something between a scream and grunt . “Oh shut up” Frank said, probably kicking him.
“Okay I don't care, I need help Frank. A woman was kidnapped, she was taken to a hideout, probably more victims in there, maybe something bigger, a lot of security. I won't take them down alone, you coming?”
After a few seconds of silence ”Sure, I'll be there, yeah”
“I'll send you coordinates” Matt hung up and did as he said.
After 15-20 minutes the Punisher was on the same hill as Daredevil, not far away from the building but it was enough to stay unnoticed. Matt could smell him from miles away, his wood with a little bit of citrus scented clothes, smoke, sweat and..blood. He had a gun in his hand.
“What are we working with?” he asked, his gaze was focused on security outside the hideout.
“34 men outside, can't tell exactly how many are on the inside. But many, many more”
“Alright, I can work with that,” Frank said, getting up, raising his AR-15 rifle.
Matt stopped him before he went ahead “Frank” he started as he got up ”no killing” he finished.
“You mental or somethin’?!” he raised his voice.
Matt shushed him, raising his hand in a ‘keep your voice down’ gesture.
“There is no fucking way we're gonna survive this without taking them down permanently” Frank said, emphasizing the word ‘permanently’.
“I know you have your ‘code’ and shit, but look, Red, some people have to be put down, so the others can live peacefully”
“This is not a discussion, if you will try I'm gonna stop you, don't make this harder that it is, Frank”
The Punisher sighed and walked forward. He could have this conversation for the thousandth time, but Red was already moving.
“You go low, I go high,” he said lastly.
“Yeah, yeah” Frank answered negligently.
They needed to be as quiet as possible not to cause any trouble and draw too much attention. Matt was mainly choking men outside to make them drop unconscious. His batons were a lot of help.
Frank's situation was a little harder. He has a rifle in his hands. AR-15 is light and easy to work with but still a little big. He didn't shoot them; it would cause too much noise. He tried to come as close as possible and hit hard in the head with a stock. They didn't need to take them all out. They attacked just enough to have a clear path to sneak into the building.
When they got rid of enough men; they both went inside, hiding behind one of many wooden containers. They were filled with illegal substances, some of them contained weapons, Matt sensed.
Inside the building were around 50-63 men.
“I’ll try to take the hostages, you go..do your thing” he said and without further thinking, he went away.
Frank stood up and fired his gun, honestly he couldn’t care less if he shot someone to death. There were obviously too many of them. So either he would die, or them, and to him the choice was easy. In the meantime Matt took out his baton and swung up to get to the victims. He heard carefully through “the warrior” screams of the Punisher attacking armed men, to the raised pulse of a woman, screaming through the bandana in her mouth. Three men were with her ”Come on, the boss wouldn’t know, we are working really hard. Why wouldn’t we have some fun with her, we deserve it man” said one to another. Matt could smell salty tears forming in her eyes.
Matt followed the sound, leading him to one of the rooms, there were more rooms like that, probably filled with victims. He knew where to search.
Daredevil threw his baton at one of the men. The rest immediately went after him. One from the right, one from left. He elbowed the left one in the ribs, causing him to bend and then he took his shoulder with left arm, he turned, throwing him at the other man ( smth like ippon seoi nage). Matt immediately walked over to the woman reassuring her that she was safe and nothing was going to happen to her as he untied her. She was no older than 25. Her face was covered with a few cuts and bruises.
“What’s your name?” he asked. “Alanah,” she answered.
“Alright, Alanah we have to keep moving, there are other victims here and I can’t let you walk away on your own, do you think you could follow me?” he asked gently, panting a little.
Alanah nodded “yeah”
-
Matt went from room to room, knocking people out and freeing victims from their ropes. With each ‘visit’ he was getting more and more exhausted. He couldn’t let himself rest for now. He had to make sure that none of them were left behind and all of them were safe, away from the fight. He led around 14 people out of the building through a safe exit he found in one of the rooms (exit was a big word, it was more like a narrow hole in the wall), all the way to the hill away from the danger. Matt counted the civilians just to be sure no one was left. He tried to sense more of them in the building but it seemed that he walked all of them out safely.
Among the sounds he could hear while trying to find more hostages he heard Franks's voice.
“Red, gonna need some help here” ”Shit” he thought “Frank never asks for help unless it's necessary. His pride would never let him do otherwise” He didn’t think before about Frank having to deal with all of it alone. Matt swung quickly to the inside of the building.
-
Frank was hiding behind one of the boxes, leaning out from time to time to make a shot and change his position. Change the place of cover eventually. It bothered him to stay in one place and hide like a coward. He had to move, keep going, do his work. He knew he could do that. “Fuck it” he thought. He didn’t hold back anymore. He shot as many as he could, stabbed if they got too close. He would stop only to take cartridges, guns or a knife from the dead. But even with that, there were too many of them. In all of this chaos he didn’t notice a man sneaking behind him, he stabbed Frank in the side of his ribs. Frank turned to him only to get hit with the back of the man’s pistol. He lost balance.
Just in time, Matt arrived, striking the man over the head with his baton. He grabbed his arms and kneed him in the stomach, causing him to fall, the man screamed in agony. He grabbed his head with force and slammed it against the brick wall of the building. He didn't know what had gotten into him, whether it was the stress of the day or the fact that he was so focused on doing the right thing and rescuing the hostages instead of not leaving Frank alone with a huge crowd of armed men, practically leaving him for dead. He didn't think about it anymore. He focused on helping Frank.
But still, amid all this mess and the sounds of fighting, fists, and gunfire, he could hear the faint heartbeat of the man slowly dying against the wall. It dawned on Matt what he had done. As Frank stood up, recovering from the blow, Matt returned to the man, crouching in front of him. The man was unconscious, bleeding hardly from the back of his head. Matt could hear his heart fighting to still beat and lungs trying to keep taking the air. Earlier Matt broke his rib, it probably punctured the lung, Matt wasn’t sure, he couldn’t focus, he couldn’t breathe in panic. He had no idea what to do. “I have to stop the bleeding” he thought. The man’s skull was broken, blood flowed from his head like water from a waterfall.
He had nothing to stop the bleeding with. A few seconds later the man started choking, his lung was pierced and started collapsing. Panic rose into Matt; he was just there, helpless, watching a man die. Die because of him. “Frank!” he screamed. “Frank, please help…I- I don’t know what to–”he pleaded. Frank couldn’t hear him, he was too invested in the fight.
Matt could hear it all, blood filling the lungs, organs not receiving oxygen to work, the convulsive movement of the man’s body..and there it was..the heart stopped.
“No..no, no” Matt laid the man down and started CPR. “Come on, come on..” he said frenetically, desperately trying to make the man breathe again. “God, please help..don't let him go yet. Please..”
But it was hopeless. The man was dead.
Matt couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t hear, couldn’t do anything. He couldn't feel Frank shaking him, telling him to move, that they had to run away. Frank grabbed Matt’s arm and started dragging him. That’s when Matt came back to reality “The fuck are you doing Red, we gotta move!” Frank yelled. He couldn’t drag both Matt and AR-15 so he threw his firearm at someone, switching to a smaller glock 19 gen 5. So Matt moved, like on autopilot. His mind was filled with only one thing: he killed a man.
-
Matt didn't remember getting back to his apartment. He was sitting on the couch in the living room, without his cowl on. Frank was sitting in front of him, pressing a cloth to his side where he was stabbed. They were both in their costumes, so they got there not so long ago. “You okay, Red?” Frank asked softly.
“I killed him” that was the only thing that Matt could say right now, the only thing on his mind.
“I couldn’t save him..i tried..i couldn’t. Frank, I killed a man” he said. He couldn’t breathe. Panic was flooding him. It was done. He couldn’t do anything to undo it.
“Matt, calm down, what are you talking about?”
“I don't know why I acted like this, I don't know. Maybe it was the thought of losing you, maybe I'm just making excuses..I don't know Frank, I don't know–”tears started forming in his eyes. “Matt” “Frank, I killed him” he let out a choked sob as he covered his mouth with his gloved hand.
Matt swallowed hard “The man that stabbed you” and there was it, the uncomfortable silence that was interrupted by Frank. “It’s alright, Matt. He was just another scumbag that didn't deserve to live I'm telling you–”
“I was just trying to do the right thing, I didn't want to leave you all there alone, I got carried away..I just wanted to save people–” he interrupted. Matt was shaking, his breathing was heavy. It was all too much.
He went quiet for a second. Millions of thoughts passing through his mind, none of them giving him comfort. He didn't deserve it. He reached for a gun that Frank placed earlier on a coffee table next to the sofa and forced it into his hand.
“The hell are you doing, Matt,” Frank said, surprised. Matt raised Frank's hand and pressed a gun to his forehead.
“Kill me Frank” The words came out roughly from his mouth. Like it hurt.
“The fuck you mean–”
“Please..Frank. I'm no different than the people you kill. I'm a murderer. I'm one of them. Kill me..please I deserve it–” Frank looked at him like he had just seen a ghost. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He dropped the gun to the ground and embraced Matt, pressing his head against his shoulder.
“Matt–You ain't like them. The people I kill, they are worthless pieces of trash that kill, rape and torture for fun, they are careless, they know what they are doing. They are corrupted scumbags that do nothing but poison this world. You ain't like them. You were tryin’ to save people. You do it every night, no matter how shitty your day was or how much it hurts”
That's when Matt broke, he started sobbing into Frank's shoulder. “What about the other people?” “What other people?” “All of them. I broke bones, sent so many people into the hospital, some of them maybe won't be able to function like they used to anymore. Maybe there are more people that I killed. Just didn't know that..what if–”
“You are just tryin’ to do the right thing. You are not going out every night looking for people to break and kill, but it happens, Matt. We are not heroes, shit happens ” Frank reassured.
“What..” “How is this the right thing?!” Matt shouted, raising his head. His eyes were all red, his face was puffy from crying. “How is killing good? How is hurting people good? That's not the right thing to do. I am just as worthless as any of them. Those murderers deserve to die. And so do I–” he continued “We..we're all murderers!” . . . “This is..why didn't I ever..–we can't do this! We are not above the law..we are–”
Frank went silent for a moment.”The fuck are you sayin’ calm down”
“We should never be doing this–”
“What about me, Red?” he asked “Do I deserve to die too?!” “Do I deserve to die because I'm doin’ the right thing? You want me dead, Red?” he shouted.
Matt's breathing quickened” I..I don't know, Frank. Maybe– I don't know anything anymore..I just–”
“I get that you have your pathetic little ‘code’ there but you gotta grow out of it, Red” “You pretend to care about your victims, but you always let the scum live to make more victims for you to care about” “I care about victims. I'm willing to be the monster, to be strong, so they can have the luxury of being weak”
“Tell me, Red..do you think I deserve to die? Do you think I should stop doing what I do and let all of those pathetic scumbags walk on the streets and do whatever they want to do? Make more victims, make the world worse, let bad people spread like a disease" "If you would think it over with a clear mind just once, you would know that what you do is worse than murder! You are not a hero, neither of us are, but just because you don't kill, it doesn't make you do the right thing, ‘cause it's not, ‘cause people do not change” Matt stayed quiet the whole time.
“Maybe you are right, Frank..ever since we escaped I was asking myself if I tried to save him because I thought he deserved to live or if I did it because I didn’t want to have his blood on my hands..you are right, Frank. I’m not a good person–”
Frank realized what he did. They shouldn't have this conversation right now.”Shit” He thought and embraced Matt once again. “I'm sorry sweetheart, I shouldn't have said that all, we shouldn’t have this conversation right now” he said, running his fingers through Matt's ginger hair. He pulled away for a moment and placed a kiss on Matt's forehead. “Stop–Frank you are right” he pulled away “I am a bad person. I shouldn't be the Daredevil, I should have never gotten into this whole ‘vigilante thing’ I shouldn't–”
“ You are not a bad person, Matt. You have your morals, as I do have mine.”
“I don't know how I’m supposed to live with myself right now? How am I supposed to go out every night, beating people up for the same thing I did? I don't deserve to protect this city.”
“You can feel bad about what happened, damn Matt, you should. But you can't lose yourself in it. Things happen, Matt. You don't have control over everything. The fact that you care itself makes you different from all those people I kill. You were just tryin’ to save people.”
Matt sighed and stayed in Frank’s arms for another while. A metallic scent reached his nostrils. “–God you are bleeding out,” Matt realized just now. In all of this mess he forgot about the stab wound in Frank’s side. Frank looked at his torso and turned back to Matthew “It's not important right now, what is is the fact that–”
“We need to patch you up,” Matt sniffed. He got up and went for a first aid kit.
"I'll be fine,” said Frank, getting up from the couch with a grunt. “Matty I'll do it myself..you need to rest, you had a rough day” he added, taking the first aid kit from Matt's hands.
“You sure?” Matt asked ”You know it's my fault you got stabbed so I should—”
“Yeah, I'm sure, I'm fine,” Frank reassured, trying to chase away Matt's thoughts. “Now go to sleep. I'll join you in a sec, yeah?” he added, placing another kiss on Matt's head. Matt whispered a quiet “alright” and headed to the bathroom.
Frank, on the other hand, stayed in the living room. He took off his jacket and then his t-shirt with a white skull on that was now mostly red from the side. He surely lost some blood.
He opened the first aid kit and started looking for bandages, gauze, something disinfectant, surgical thread and a needle holder. He disinfected the wound, pouring some hydrogen dioxide. It was too deep, he needed stitches. He took a needle with a thread and put it into the needle holder. He started patching the wound up. It wasn’t easy to do it by yourself, but he didn’t want to ask Matt for help.
…
He finished sewing the wound and made a knot at the end. He took some gauze, soaked it in saline and gently cleaned the wound from leftover blood once again. He took a new gauze to dry the skin around. When he was done he walked over to the closet in the bedroom to take T-shirts and sweatpants for him and Matt. The Punisher took off his combat shoes, pants and changed into comfortable clothing.
He could hear the water running in the bathroom. Frank was worried about Matt. He knew his morals and how hard it was to break them, he knew because he tried so many times. He was so worried.
The water stopped running a while ago now. It was too quiet for Frank’s liking. Definitely too quiet. Frank walked over to the bathroom door. “You okay in there, Red?” he asked.
…
“Yeah” he heard an answer from the other side of the door. Matt, in fact, did not sound okay.
His voice was trembling, weaker than it used to be. Frank’s heart skipped a beat. He could feel blood draining from his face, leaving him cold. He remembered a day when he found Matt on the bathroom floor, blood everywhere, coming from…he couldn’t even tell.
“Motherfucker,”
-
Matt started taking off his costume, piece by piece. First boots, lower part and upper part. (he always struggled with the top). He was now in his underwear. His body ached in many places. Among the old scars on his body were fresh cuts and bruises blooming, especially on his shoulders and torso. Lastly he took off blood stained gloves. He looked at them for a second, in the back of his mind was the sound of a man's head hitting the wall and heartbeat stopping. He took a deep breath before throwing them to the bowl where the rest of the costume was. He had to finally wash it.
Matt himself was all covered in sweat and grease. He had to shower. He felt so sticky, it was bothering his senses. He took off his underwear and threw it into the laundry box, then he went to the shower. He washed himself with ‘no-scented’ shampoo and body wash, although they also have a scent, especially for Matt. But it was the closest he could get to something that wouldn’t bother his senses all the time. Warm water was running down his body. Warm water caused steam to settle on the shower cabin, air in the room was unpleasantly stuffy. It all bothered Matt, but at the same time it made him feel like he was in a safe, soft place, like everything was isolated. It made him calm.
When he went out of the shower his body was all red. He took a towel and dried himself. He looked at his hands, all red, red like blood on his hands, red like blood of the man he killed, his victim. Same thud, same stop. His quickening heartbeat accompanied, that’s all he could hear. Same thud, same stop.
He mechanically walked over to the sink, to dive in the cold water, calm down a little.. The sting that cold water left was pleasant, cuts from earlier fight screaming under the warm water were pleasant, the pain was pleasant. Matt opened a cabinet, unused razors. The pain was pleasant. Cut on his finger when he took one. The pain was pleasant. He sat on the floor..one, two, three. The pain was pleasant..one, two, three. The pain was pleasant..one, two, thr–”You okay in there, Red?” The object fell out of Matt’s hand, landing on the cold tiles with a faint sound. ‘He came back’. “Yeah” He managed to say.
Frank stayed quiet for a while “Motherfucker” Matt could hear. Not even a second passed, Frank opened the door, well..more like broke it. Stuffy air spilled out of the bathroom, being replaced with fresher one. Frank looked at Matt, at the floor, at the metal object then at Matt again. He kneeled next to him. “You alright?” “I’m alrigh–” “Are you hurt?”
“No, Frank I’m oka–” Frank took both of his hands and looked at them, then at Matt’s tights. “You sure you didn’t hurt–” “Yes, goddamnit Frank!” Matt yelled, tears started welling up in his eyes. Frank went silent for a while, still looking at Matt’s limbs.
“c'mere,” Frank said, embracing Matt, sideways because there wasn’t enough space for any other type of hug. He dived his hand into Matt’s hair playing with it.
They both sat like this for a while..on the cold floor, with only a hum of the refrigerator coming from the kitchen “You thought about it..” said Frank quietly. “Needed comfort..”
“Would you do it?”
. . .
“Not sure”.
“You could have called me y’know. Said something, anything.”
“I know,” Matt answered.
Frank sighed in response.
Time passed, maybe 10 minutes. They felt good in each other's embrace. None of them wanted to move, but they couldn’t stay on the cold floor for too long and Matt’s hair was soaking wet. Frank didn’t want him to get sick.
“You sleepy?” Frank asked. “I don’t think I'll be able to sleep after all of that,” he said with a weak chuckle.
“Movies?” Frank asked . . . “Movies” Matt sighed.
Frank’s T-shirt was all soaked now from water dripping down from Murdock’s hair.
“Alright then. But first you need to dry your hair or you’ll catch cold, sugar” Matt only hummed. “Let me help you with that” Frank got up and opened a cabinet, taking out the hair dryer. “You might want to cover your ears”. Matt did as Frank told. Matt hated the sound of the hairdryer, well..since it was used to dry your hair, it had to be close to ears and the sound was painfully loud. Frank massaged his scalp as he dried his hair, causing Matt to relax even a little. When he was done Frank placed a kiss to Matt's hair, stating that it’s beautiful. He gave his lover a t-shirt and random sweatpants to wear, as he was naked the whole time.
He took them and got dressed lazily. In the meantime Frank went to the kitchen to make popcorn. When Matt got out of the bathroom he was already sitting with two bowls on the sofa (as Matt loved popcorn). “Wanna pick a movie?” Matt hummed in response, sitting next to Frank, resting his head on his shoulder. Frank placed his hand on Matt’s head. (Oh, how he loved playing with Matt’s hair) Matt took the remote and went through all the streaming platforms. After a while he picked one and clicked ‘play’ (with AD on obv).
Matt sinked further into Frank’s arms. In response he received a kiss to his temple. Matt smiled slightly at the gesture and closed his lids.
He felt guilty, like he didn’t deserve to be here, in his beloved’s arms. He did not deserve it. He definitely didn’t–
Matt woke up. The movie ended a long time ago. He, as well as Frank, must have fallen asleep. He wasn’t sure what time it was. He couldn’t tell. Frank was sleeping next to him, snorting a little. Matt didn’t feel good. He slipped from Frank’s grasp and got up from the sofa. He placed his steps as quietly as possible so as not to wake up Frank. He didn’t feel good. He heard it. Same thud, same stop. Matt walked over to the door, it wasn’t locked. Frank must have forgotten to lock it when they came back.
He put on shoes and walked out of the apartment, down by stairs and finally outside. Cold morning air hugged his face, making him more awake. He walked through the city. Cars passing by from time to time. People going early to work, running or going back from night shifts. Matt had another reason to walk those streets. He knew the way by heart.
-
Twenty-minute walk and he was there. St. Finnian of Clonard Catholic Church.
He stood in front of the entrance. Anxiety rose in him, heartbeat quickened as well as his breathing. He felt unwelcome, he felt like he wouldn't be able to come inside. He remembered Sister Maggie’s words. That everyone was welcome in the house of God. That everyone could seek forgiveness for God is forgiving. Matt hesitated before opening the doors slowly. The air in the church was cold but somehow fresher than on the outside. It had its specific scent. Woody with a little bit of salt. Matt crossed himself as he walked in front of the cross, going to one of the pews. His steps echoed in the empty church. He sat in the pew and then kneeled. He crossed himself and joined his hands in prayer, closing his eyes:
“My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against you whom I should love above all things. I firmly intend, with your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin."
"Our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for us."
"In his name, my God, have mercy.”
“Amen” Matthew crossed himself.
-
Matthew put on the mask that night and he went out, like he always did. He felt guilty for what he did. But his soul felt lighter.
He didn't feel guilty about still being Daredevil anymore. He didn't feel guilty about saving people from kidnappers and murderers. He felt like it was his duty now to go out every night and try to make the city a better place, it was his responsibility now, atonement for his sins.
He gave more of himself every night. He barely slept, went out for a longer time. No matter how many injuries he had, how bad he felt, how much blood was draining out of him, how much it hurt..he always went out.
Frank was telling him that he will get himself killed one day. And maybe he was, but if it was a penalty for his sin, so be it.
Frank tried to stop him from doing what he was doing, telling him that he could go out for him from time to time, work for them both, but Matt didn't listen. All he was saying was that it's his responsibility, not Frank's. Matt couldn’t count how many arguments they had, how much they fought over it. But after all it wasn't Frank's decision to make.
-
One evening, Matt was getting ready for his daily patrol. Getting ready was a big word..he even struggled to put his costume on.
He had a sprained ankle, stitched stab wound in his shoulder, God knew how many cuts and bruises on his body, he was barely conscious because how little he slept. His face was pale and dark circles formed under his eyes from sleep deprivation. The night was dark, as usual. The sound of the rain gave the city a steady, calming rhythm.
“Nah, no..there is no way I'm letting you go tonight” Frank said, taking Matt's cowl away from his reach.
“This is not your decision to make, Frank. Give me back my stuff.”
“Take it,” said Frank, still not letting it go.
“Come on, I don't have time for that”
“If you are so full of life and health, you should have no problem talking them from me”
Matt took a few steps, limping. He launched himself at Frank just to immediately be thrown on the floor. Matt groaned in pain. “See, Red? You couldn’t even do that, and I was being gentle with you” “These people out there won’t be, they will try to hurt you”
“You don’t understand, Frank. I have to go” Matt sighed, getting on his feet (or at least trying). “How if you can’t walk properly?” said Frank not hiding the irony, reaching out his hand to Matt, helping him to get up. Matt sent him a look. “Listen, do you remember when I told you that you shouldn’t lose yourself in guilt?” Matt hummed. “That’s exactly what you are doing. You are losing yourself in it, it’s not healthy, Matt. You are harming yourself”
“I-I just want to prove that i still can be a hero, that is till can help people, that if i will continue doing what is right..I will be forgiven..despite the fact that I..killed someone..I’m just trying to do the job for as long as I can..as much as I can”
...
Frank dropped Daredevil’s mask and turned away from Matt. “If you want to go out and die…” Frank hesitated here. He didn’t want to say that, the words were stuck in his throat, but Matt was right, it wasn’t his decision to make. Of course, he wanted to keep Matt safe but he couldn’t do much here, not working against Matt’s morals and beliefs. “...then feel free to do so. You will be no use for this city dead, Red ” “If you truly want to help the city, the people..i suggest you stay alive”
Matt went silent. He hated how simply logical it was, hated that Frank was right.
Frank was long gone into the bedroom, probably just laying on the bed, staring at his ceiling.
Now there was just Matt alone with his thoughts. They were flooding his brain, knowing that Frank was right, but still trying to think otherwise.
Matt walked over to the Daredevil mask, laying on the floor, it looked like it was staring at him.
Matt crouched in front of it. He hesitated before he took it. He could feel the pattern under his fingertips. The horns, the texture. It felt heavier than usual. Maybe it was just that he was weak, or maybe it was the weight of the decision that he had to make.
He stood up with a grunt, taking a moment to stabilize himself. Out there, there were a criminals, a city that needed him, his penalty, his duty. But here, here was his life.."A life that matters" Matt realized. A life that this city needed. A life that people who came across injustice seeking justice needed. A life that..his loved ones needed.
He closed his lids, letting the sounds of the city fall into his ears, among them, the screams, the terror, the rain, there was Frank's breath, his heartbeat. He could sense that he was lying back then, his heartbeat was different. He knew that he cared about him, about his life, that he didn't truly want him to go out to the horrors of the city. But also there was tolerance for Matt's beliefs, his decision, but not acceptance.
...
“Damn you, Frank,” he said to himself.
He walked over to the cabinet where he kept his costume and weapons in a box inside. He focused on feeling the mask one more time before putting it back where it used to be. Frank walked out of the bedroom, standing in the doorway. His gaze landed on Matt. He could feel his heartbeat slowing down, the anxiety leaving his body. Matt turned to the Frank “At least help me get this costume off, it's a pain in the ass” Matt said to which Frank responded with a chuckle, walking over to his lover.
-
Matt stayed at home to recover, mainly laying in bed, sleeping because of how sleep deprived he was. His ankle got better, bruises disappeared, wounds healed. Matt felt better. Every night Frank went out, doing work for Matt to make him a little calmer about the city.
Frank took care of him a lot, made sure he slept and ate. He couldn’t let Matt get back to his previous state. He wouldn't forgive himself if he did.
More than three months passed. There were rumors that the Devil of Hell's Kitchen was gone, some people thought that he took a break, some people thought that he was still there, some people assumed he was dead. The last rumor probably came from the victims from the hideout, that the Daredevil died there…was it so far from the truth though?
The rumors spread like a disease, Matt could hear it well. The news reached criminals too. There were more of them than usually, leaving Frank with more work and Matt with more worry. All those who feared the Devil came out on the streets. The criminal rate increased dramatically.
Matt gained more and more strength with every day. Frank on the other hand always came back exhausted.
This specific night was bothering Matt more than usually, the city was way louder. Matt was sitting on the chair in the living room, listening. In the meantime Frank was getting ready to go out into a city resembling a jungle. The situation in the city was dramatic since Daredevil was gone. It had to change.
Matt stood up from the chair and walked over to the closet. He pulled out a big, green box, his suit and weapons inside. Matt opened it carefully, the smell of dust reached his nostrils, it wasn’t opened for a long time. He began putting on his suit. First the lower part of the suit, then he pulled the heavy armor over his chest. Next came the boots; this part was the easiest. Just then, Frank joined the living room and looked at Matt.
“Are you sure?” he asked with a glimpse of worry in his voice.
…
“Yes, I’m sure,” Matt answered before putting his mask on.