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When Yuna and David told Ilya he had “no idea what he was in for” with loopy Shane, he assumed they were referring to other things.
“Oh, Shane has a tendency to be a flight risk after surgery and he really hates anything to do with his teeth,” Yuna had smiled at Ilya kindly, “I’m sure he’d be ok if it was just you two, but we’d like to be there for backup.”
“Oh it is no problem,” Ilya had replied, blissfully unaware about the chaos he was about to throw himself into, “And I am sure Shane will not be that bad.”
Fast forward to said surgery room where Shane was loopier than a loop on a theme park ride and he was indeed that bad—but not at all in the way Shane’s parents were describing...and not in a way Ilya was expecting either.
“Helloooo handsome,” Shane smiled up at Ilya, words slightly muffled by the gauze in his mouth, “Wow, I can’t believe you’re here.”
“Hi Shane,” Ilya chuckled, amused at Shane’s behavior, “How are you feeling?”
“Peachy,” Shane replied, “Like I’m in space.”
“Well let’s try to bring you back down to Earth then, hmm?” Ilya held Shane’s hand with one hand and gently brushed his hair out of his face with the other.
“Alright Mr. Hollander,” Ilya scooted sideways a little to make room for the nurse, “We’ve got to change your gauze out, ok?”
And this was where things began to go downhill.
“Mr. Hollander?” The nurse said, “I’m going to need you to open your mouth for me, honey. We can’t leave dirty gauze in there, ok?”
Ilya could see the smirk start to form on Shane’s face and immediately felt the color drain from his, “You can call me Shane,” Shane continued, “And, well, I for one-”
“Shane,” Ilya cut him off, “Let the nice lady help you change your gauze out, please?”
Shane nodded with a dopey smile and opened his mouth almost immediately, letting the nurse change out his gauze. Ilya let out a breath of relief, thinking that he had avoided his momentary crisis—but the crisis was actually just beginning. The nurse held out a cup for Shane to spit out the leftover blood in his mouth and they were then met with the same dilemma of Shane not doing anything.
“Shane,” the nurse said once again, “Can you spit the blood out of your mouth for me?”
Shane just looked at Ilya whose heart rate was getting higher by the second, “Shane, please listen to the nurse,” Ilya hoped and prayed that he didn’t look nervous, “The doctors and nurses are here to help. Spit the blood out for her, ok? Yes?” And again, Shane spit the blood out of the cup practically on command.
The nurse showed Ilya how to change out Shane’s gauze, “That was good,” she said, pleased, “I’ll be right back, I just need to check Shane’s scans and his recovery plan. Since he just had the surgery, his gauze will be pretty bloody pretty quickly, so be sure to change it out again in the next 10 minutes.”
Ilya nodded, watching the nurse exit and the doctor enter before turning back to Shane. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Yuna and David in the very back of the room, conversing with one another (and the doctor) while looking lovingly at them both. He swore he heard Yuna whisper at one point, “Wow, he’s behaving himself, this is crazy!” 10 minutes passed and it was time for Shane’s gauze again, yet Shane was very much not open to the idea of more gauze in his mouth. Every time Ilya tried to put new gauze in, Shane kept spitting it out.
“Shane,” Ilya whispered somewhat sternly, “Stop doing this. I am going to get a bandana or something and you will look like a kidnapping victim, is this something you want?”
“Hmmm,” Shane started smiling again and Ilya quickly began to panic, “I mean, I liked it when you tied a belt around-”
“Shane!” Ilya covered his mouth, turning to look at Shane’s parents—who were thankfully talking to the doctor and not focused on the things their son was saying. He managed to get more gauze in Shane’s mouth, but he could see the gears turning in Shane’s head and the smile reforming on his face.
“I don’t like this in my mouth,” he said, “But you know, I do like your-”
The doctor (very thankfully) interrupted Shane to speak to Ilya about discharge instructions and Shane (also very thankfully) had decided now was not the time to say anything anymore. Meanwhile, poor Ilya felt like he was gambling with his dignity while Yuna and David were blissfully unaware at the terror their son was putting his significant other through. It was like the universe knew when Ilya was calm that something would start again. Shane had been relatively quiet, only occasionally mumbling as Ilya changed out his gauze as instructed, before then nearly making a dirty remark that Ilya had to conjure up ways to stop him from saying. A few minutes later, the doctor had left, David had left with an offer of coffee, and Yuna had left with an offer of food—they were completely alone, and Ilya knew he had to use this chance.
“Shane,” Ilya gently brushed Shane’s cheek with his hand, “Shane, can you listen to me for a second?”
“Yesh, sir,” Shane did a mock salute before Ilya had to take his hands in his again—the speaking had moved the gauze and he was starting to fiddle with it.
“Focus on me, sweetheart,” Shane was looking at him like he hung the stars, “I need you to do something for me. I need you to be good, like you always are. Nod if you understand,” Shane nodded enthusiastically and Ilya kissed his forehead, “Good, good. What I need from you is I need you to be a very good boy and say absolutely nothing until I tell you to.”
Shane’s loopy smile quickly turned into a loopy pout and all Ilya could think was the word fuck in all capital letters as Shane’s eyes began to tear up, “But,” Shane stuttered, “You like when I’m loud. You always say you want me to tell you how I feel, do you not want me to say when I feel good?”
Ilya was about to start crying.
“No,” he shook his head, “No, дорогой. You know that your pretty words and sounds are my favorite part.”
“Then why do I have to be quiet?” Shane sniffled and Ilya felt his heart break in two.
“We are trying a new game, ok? This is a new game for us to try together. You are with me?”
Hearing that this was a “game” made Shane perk right back up meanwhile Ilya was genuinely about to spontaneously combust or jump out the window or both. Either or would be fine really, “Mk,” Shane said, “My safeword is faceoff.”
Ilya was about to rip his own face off, but maintained his composure, “Yes, very good,” he heard some shuffling in the hall meaning that Yuna, David, and the doctor and nurse were both due back in the room, “Ok, it’s time to start. Let’s be quiet.”
“Or I tap you three times!”
“Yes, yes, very good,” Ilya was hanging onto his composure by a thread, “Now shhhh, да?”
Shane mimicked a zipper zipping his lips up...and almost hit himself in the face. Thankfully, Ilya caught his hands and gently moved them away from his face.
Things were going great. The doctor was relaying information about Shane’s scans, Yuna and David were listening intently while looking at Ilya in awe, and the nurse was tending to Shane. Nothing was going wrong, Shane was not saying anything, and Ilya finally felt his heartrate decrease and he began to relax.
Until it didn’t.
“Shane,” the nurse said, “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?” Shane did not answer. He just looked at Ilya—who was about to die on the spot as he saw Shane reach up to do the zipper motion once again (but thankfully Ilya caught his hands), “This isn’t a trick question, Shane. We can adjust your medication if needed,” And again Shane did not speak.
“Shane,” Ilya said, reaching to grasp his hands, “Can you hold up a number for the nurse?” But instead of holding up a number, Shane started trying to put Ilya’s fingers in his mouth. Ilya started pulling his fingers away, because he knew that what Shane was doing was not innocent here.
“Oh, don’t worry you two,” the nurse spoke, “No cameras are allowed. No one is going to take any photos of you.”
“Thank you,” Ilya tried to remain calm as he debated whether or not it would be worth it to sacrifice forever eye contact with Yuna and David.
The rest of their time in the hospital was a significant struggle. On one hand, Shane saying nothing was keeping Ilya from passing out from sheer fear, while on the other hand, Shane saying nothing was keeping them at the hospital longer than they needed to be. Eventually, they were finally allowed to make their trip home.
“Thank you so much for coming with us, Ilya,” Yuna smiled, “You really kept Shane calm.”
Ilya just painfully smiled back as he helped Shane inside his house. Ilya desperately needed a vacation. He may or may not be bringing Shane along.