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Did you know that a Zamboni does a lot of things? Scraping and collecting ice shavings; Water application; Squeegee and Towel dragging. It maintains the ice and keeps it safe for everyone in this high-skilled, fast-paced sport. The Zamboni is the MVP. Sometimes, maybe, the unsung hero even.
What about the zamboni? You might ask. It sounds weird, and does it make sense? (probably not) but Shane Hollander has assigned Ilya Rozanov a significant role, the ever dearly beloved zamboni of his life.
“It is integral, Ilya.” Shane fiercely tells him one night.
Why is this happening? Ilya thought to himself. “Okay?” a little bit unsure, he says. A minute ago they're cuddling peacefully after an amazing sex and now the conversation has shifted. “Good job zamboni?”
Shane sighs and rolls his eyes. Ilya can see his little pout as he takes a peek at the man resting his head on his chest. He hugs him closer, tighter and without even thinking much about it, said, “Should I ask Mike if he can let you on the zamboni?”
Maybe it's really not about the actual thing. Maybe it's a metaphor for how he feels. Sometimes, even the mighty Shane Hollander does take a detour before he can tell Ilya anything and everything. He laughs, the kind that comes from a place of affection. “Yeah! That'll be great. Ask Mike.”
Oh, this man is so worth it.. every single time. My zamboni ❤️
♦
The Irina foundation is making strides—slowly and intentional. There are still a lot of wrong things in this environment where they're trying to make the right ones. For mental health, for inclusivity and, for freedom.
Be comfortable with yourself. Choose who you need. Love who you want. The summer camps is where they decided to begin. From coaches, parents to kids—all they ask is a true love for hockey. Everything else? It mattered less. Shane and Ilya's doors will always be open.
Yuna goes through the paper works with both of her sons. Preparations are underway and one by one they're checking off the to-do list. At the kitchen island they congregate. Shane with his laptop; Ilya with a bunch of papers and a highlighter; Yuna with both and a red pen.
“The list of coaches,” Yuna in her manager voice. “Is this final?”
“Yes.” Shane replies with the same concentration without looking up. Ilya follows through as he lists their names. They currently have 8 members.
“Okay. Good.”
“The re-designed camp polos are done and..” Ilya supplied but shortly trailed off when he noticed from his peripheral vision that Shane's exhales are getting heavier by the minute and both his hands are positioned trying to keep his head upright.
Yuna noticed the shift and pushed herself to the kitchen for something to calm everybody down.
Shane's chair got dragged and turned around to face Ilya. “Hey,” he heard that soft comforting voice.
“I'm very tired, Ilya.” slumped, Shane replied while keeping his eyes shut.
“Shane,” Ilya says. He reached out to to gently brush the back of his hand along his cheeks following where the freckles are hoping to coax the other. “Look at me, please.”
Deep breathes. Inhale. Exhale. Shane repeats in his head. Slowly his eyes open and sure enough those hazel eyes never miss to captivate him. The same eyes that will always make him feel desire, longing, and adoration.
They've both been doing so much—where is started, rivalry; how it's going, still hiding some parts of them; and it's so fucking exhausting Shane feels like he's going to blow up. Drowning and yet he keeps on fighting for this man. Holding on because where do they end up? In each other's arms. Always.
Is he anxious? Yes. Is he overwhelmed? Absolutely. The foundation didn't come out of nowhere. It was carefully planned—a bridge to something bigger. It is also a memento. For Ilya, his mother. For Shane, a future. A fruitful future where he can openly express his love for Ilya the way he wants and he certainly do not want to fuck anything up right now. Both Ilya and the foundation means the entire world for him.
I wish I didn't need you, but I know all too well that I do.
“Ilya, thank you.” as he held his hands tight to keep him grounded.
“I got you.”
Grateful. Always. Shane will forever be thankful for whatever kind of cosmic pull brought them together.
♦
“Hey, do you remember?” Shane nudged Ilya gently.
“Da,” Ilya responds with a gentle smile and a wink. “Tuesday.”
It was a Tuesday from the past and it might sound like a random day but for Shane? It is one of the most significant. Push and pull. Back and forth. Today, it ends. He is ready for Ilya Rozanov to walk in his home and experience his most favorite place on earth.
The cottage—he simply calls it that. It is safe, it is solace and it is comfort.
“I have an idea.” Shane sounded enthusiastic.
Ilya found curiosity, “What?”
“Let's be honest with each other—with what we feel and what we think.”
Ilya found himself staring at Shane's face. The declaration was something new, not what he was expecting at this time and at this moment. He thought about it and it should be a good idea. They both have to start somewhere. “Yes. I will try.”
That time they spent at the cottage felt magical. For Shane, it was all new and it's something he's taking one at a time. Was this how he had imagined it to be?
A 'good morning' with Ilya as they wake up in one bed everyday.
Shoulder to shoulder, whether that's standing or sitting. Like practically glued together.
Eating on a single table, sharing a wonderful meal day and night.
In this short period of time, he saw a glimpse of the future he had dreamed of at one point. Shane already knew, Ilya completed a piece of him and he is willing to come up with a million ways and possibilities for Ilya to be able to stay until they're gray and old. If he needs to fight against a ticking clock he knows he will.
It was a thoughtful recollection. One of the pivotal moments of their lives. The cottage will forever be a favorite for both of them. Cuddling cozily on the couch, Shane leans and rests his head on Ilya's shoulder. “It was the best Tuesday of my life.”
“Thank you.” Ilya plants a kiss on the side of Shane's head.
“For what?”
“For inviting me..” Ilya recalls the feeling of excitement and relief. “to the cottage.”
Shane shifts a little. His hands finding Ilya's face gently cradling it. He won't get tired of looking at these hazel eyes; it brings him so much comfort knowing that these eyes sees him as he is—wholeheartedly. Slowly their faces fit together and their lips share a warm kiss. “I'm glad I fought my fears.”
♦
To most people Ilya has always been a spunky personality on the ice. Expect a lively chirping and he's a fast skater too.
All that said, the little boy in him is delicate. Too hard on himself growing up but knows how to love no doubt. As tough as he looks on the outside, only one person knows and sees the softness that other people would otherwise think of as weakness.
Not all days are created equal—there are highs, lows and just normal ones. For Ilya, today, is one of rare low days. It's an optional practice day and he thought he could step in for a bit to help him get out of all the jumbled thoughts in his head.
He lifted weights. He skated. But, it just doesn't work.
Shane was at the rink too, they drove together actually. He's been silent and just observing. Keeping an eye at a respectable distance. The way Ilya moved looked normal but he can clearly see the subtle changes. Slower, less focused and from time to time he breathes heavy.
“Hey,” Shane dragged his skates up to him. Tapped his shoulder gently to get his husband's attention.
A forced smile appeared on Ilya's. “Hey.” he tried to sound okay but it doesn't convince Shane.
“I'm here if you need anything.”
“Thank you.” Ilya hugged him tightly as if afraid to let go.
Finally living together. Finally being husbands. Finally playing on the same team. All these are the changes that they need to navigate together. You are a piece of me, is what it means. Whatever Ilya needs (even if he doesn't ask), Shane will provide. Ilya deserves the world and Shane knows that. It shows in the way he takes care of the other.
Shane comforts him on days like this—with a warm hug, an encouraging shoulder and, in a peaceful home.
After a warm shower, Ilya comes down to a living room already set-up. The TV is on showing an animal documentary.. did you know there used to be a rare penguin species in some parts of Antarctica?
There's also a box of pizza (with a side of fries) already laid out along with a salad and grilled chicken.
Shane didn't say much. He seem to be focused on the TV but when he saw Ilya slowly approach the couch, a loving smile broke and he opened his arms. Ilya took it as an invitation and settled into the hug. He sought the crook of Shane's neck and inhaled deeply to calm himself.
“Pizza for you and greens for me.” Shane said as he rubs Ilya's back.
Ilya didn't say anything but he nodded. This is all appreciated with or without words and he knows that Shane knows that. Sometimes all you need is your special person beside you and the comfort of their presence. He lifts his head to look at Shane. “Pizza has green peppers. You want some?”
Shane combs through Ilya's hair, one of the ways he knows that's soothing, “Yes. Thank you.”
“Okay.”
♦
Tidying up the closet, an outfit caught Shane's attention. It brought back the memory of him going out in LA. Rose decided to drag him shopping and they landed on: an ivory colored silk t-shirt, a dark brown slacks and a short reddish-brown leather bomber jacket.
He's not as interested in dressing up before. You might find him just throw on athletic stuff, it's easier that way. However, it doesn't go unnoticed that he appreciates how Ilya styles himself. Ilya's always been gorgeous and even more so when he flaunts a look.
Stunning. Beautiful. Is how he would describe Ilya.
He reaches out to said outfit. Staring at it while he steps back he sighed. He hasn't worn it in a long time, has he? Should he try it on? He's contemplating and is thinking of reasons why he should.
The following words echoed in his mind, Do whatever makes you happy. It was an advice Rose gave her when they sat after their shipping escapade. At that time, it was pertaining to a life altering decision he needs to make. Before getting married, Ilya would always tell him it will always be in his terms. They can let more people know about them when they want and how they want.
Fast forward to today, he realized Rose's advice still holds true. He can do whatever as long as it makes him happy. He doesn't need to think about the irrelevant.
Dinner reservation has been made. It was kind of a short notice but he was feeling spontaneous and a date night sounds like a good option.
Open Table | Social – Ottawa Reservation
Get ready, your reservation is today!
Table for 2 on Friday, June 30 20xx at 6:00PM
Name: Shane Hollander
Confirmation No: 551639917
Dim lights. Leather seats. Cozy ambiance. It's a little bit fancy and Shane is dressed for the occasion. They were seated by the window. It's a floor to ceiling window front and they're just a few tables away from the bar.
Ilya couldn't stop staring at his date for the night. Shane looks nothing but gorgeous. He's always loved this particular outfit the moment he saw that photo taken of him after shopping in LA. “Very handsome.”
“So are you.” Shane felt his cheeks blushing. It doesn't get old every time Ilya compliments him.
“You know I love this on you.”
“Yeah.” Shane agreed. “And I haven't dressed up recently.”
“So we go on a date?”
“Yes!”
“Show off.” Ilya laughed. It sounds cheerful and Shane loves listening to it.
“I love you too.”
Delicious food, good drinks and Ilya. That's all that mattered to Shane at the moment. Just them, together, happily chatting with less care in the world.
Shane's heart is full. He's happy. Buzzing with love. Who would have thought that years down the road even after all the hardship that their kind of love brought, he would be able to do all of this openly and without guilt.
It is insanity and Ilya has always been his clarity.
Their love is tragedy and Ilya is his remedy.