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It isn’t a surprise to Liam that Noel avoids his gaze at breakfast the next day, keeping his eyes fixed on the plate of toast he’s picking at disinterestedly while Liam wolfs down his Weetabix. Noel’s always been squirrely about showing affection, there’s nothing new there.
Peggy watches Liam scoffing his cereal, and comments that the knock to his head can’t have done him too much damage. And it hasn’t. Quite the opposite. Liam almost wants to thank the fucker who bashed him with it. Because sure, he’d spent a good portion of last night feeling sick and disorientated, his head throbbing. But it had been a small price to pay for being allowed into Noel’s bed, getting to melt into the warmth of his body. Liam hadn’t slept so soundly since he was just a kid.
This morning, he doubles his usual efforts to coax Noel into conversation, but Noel remains silent, his mouth turned down. Liam can tell his defences aren’t quite back to their usual strength, but the tender edge to Noel that had been present last night has gritted over.
Liam persists though, the buzz of last night filling him with even more energy than normal. Eventually Noel tires of it. He tells Liam to fuck off, and stomps over to the sinks to shove his plate in with a clatter before storming back upstairs. It doesn’t knock the grin off Liam’s face. He heads off to school with a spring in his step, humming one of those songs off Noel’s record.
It takes all these things and all that time
‘Til my sugar spun sister’s happy
With this love of mine
***
Noel hasn’t thawed out in the slightest by the time Liam gets home from school. Over the next few days he stays out more and more, barely getting home before the sun rises, and out again before Liam gets home. When he is in the house, he’s dead awkward, darting away when Liam tries to tackle him or grab him into a hug. He’s a bit mumbly too, stuttery, his sharp tongue forgotten. He sits in front of the TV grey faced, nursing coffee and a hangover, trying to avoid so much as looking at Liam.
It isn’t a surprise when Noel packs up and hits the road a couple of weeks later, going away with those poncey blokes, the Inspiral Carpets. He doesn’t tell Liam until he’s halfway to the door, backpack on, saying “I’ll be back in a few weeks, kidda.” He still doesn’t seem to be able to look Liam in the eye. His words spark something uneasy in Liam’s gut, but he swallows it. Noel will be back. He’ll come back.
Liam goes upstairs to their room, patches of carpet now visible here and there where Noel has scraped up his clothes to stuff in a backpack. He puts on the Stone Roses record they’d listened to that night and sits down on Noel’s bed, chewing at his thumb as the melody begins to swell through the room. There’s a thorn of pain in him at Noel’s absence, but he’s smiling. Noel feels it too, Liam knows it. He just has to come round to it is all.
There’s knot in his stomach every morning that he wakes up to Noel’s empty bed on the other side of the room. But every night, he puts on Noel’s record, lies on his bed, and lets the swirling melody take him away. Every night, the certainty in his chest solidifies. It becomes part of his bloodstream, his internal organs. It’s filling him with a strength of purpose he’s never known. As he lets his mind wander, he knows he gets closer and closer to resolution. It’s all in the music.
One night Liam comes home to find the record player empty. Bod squawks in surprise as his door bangs open and Liam stands in his doorway, breathing like a raging bull. He’s confused by Liam’s anger, “you don’t even like music,” and tries to calm him down, “come in here and listen to it with me then,” but Liam isn’t having it. He stomps over to the record player, snatches it up, and tells Bod to leave his fucking stuff alone. He shuts the door on Bod’s argument, and brings it back to its rightful place, to his and Noel’s room. Bod has no fucking business listening to that. He sets it going once again, sparking up a joint and laying back on Noel’s bed, staring up at the sky through the window. It’s clear for once, pink and orange sunset still tinging the deepening blue. He feels the tension in his body melting away, and he lets his eyes flutter shut, remembering the feeling of Noel’s fingers in his hair.
A couple of months after Noel leaves, Liam trips over a backpack in the hallway when he gets in from school, and finds Noel in the living room. He looks slightly unsure when he meets Liam’s eye, but he’s smiling as Liam lunges for him, tackling him onto the sofa in a bear hug. Noel goes flying, skinny limbs flailing as Liam pins him down. He’s laughing, his hand ruffling Liam’s hair, telling him he’s just like a dog. Liam’s eyes prickle a little at the scent of him, and he buries his nose in Noel’s hair for a moment, before Peggy tells him sharply to leave his poor brother alone. He draws back, grinning all the more widely at the sight of the blushing smile on Noel’s own face.
That night, Liam settles down in bed and listens to all Noel’s tales of dodgy service stations, tour bus breakdowns, and a shitload of cocaine. After a long while, a lot of laughter, and Bod coming into their room twice to tell them to shut up, they lapse into silence. Liam’s drifting in and out of dreams, still facing towards Noel’s bed, when Noel says “Fancy going to a gig with us on Friday? The Inspirals got us tickets. As a thank you, like.”
Liam’s heart flutters, and his eyes open in the dark. He smiles at the sound of Noel’s would be nonchalant tone. He can hear the slight halting quality to Noel’s words that happens when he’s stressed, or when he cares more than he wants to let on.
“Friday night?” Liam asks, voice coming out a little rough.
“Aye.”
Liam waits a moment, as if considering, then blows out a breath, sighing. “I’ll be disappointing a lot of birds, Noely, but I’ll do it for you.” He’s glad it’s dark; he can’t fight the grin on his face any better than he can quell the swelling, glowing warmth in his chest.
Noel huffs out a laugh, a little high pitched. “Twat.”
***
Noel didn’t mention the best part until Friday morning, when Liam was about to leave for school; the band they’re seeing is the Stone Roses. The band Liam has been listening to on repeat since Noel left, the music that speaks to their soul. It’s all falling into place, just like Liam knew it would. Noel tried to say it all casual, as if it meant nothing, but his cheeks were flushed, and he couldn’t quite look at Liam. Liam had grinned even wider, kissed Noel wetly on his cheek, and then legged it out the door for school before Noel could smack him.
The atmosphere at the gig is mega. A proper buzz going even by the time they get there, growing as the crowd gets drunker, and the supporting acts go through their sets. Liam and Noel take up residence near the bar, getting steadily drunker as they wait for the Roses to come out.
Liam’s arm is around Noel’s shoulders, and Noel is laughing, really laughing. His eyes have practically disappeared, his crooked teeth all showing. Liam stares at him, his pulse thumping. Someone calls Noel’s name, and he stops laughing all of a sudden, straightening up a little. Liam stares as Noel greets a couple of guys who seem pretty familiar with him.
“This your bird then, Noel?”
Liam’s eyes snap up to stare at the lanky cunt who’s just spoken. To Liam’s irritation, he looks more amused than intimidated.
Noel laughs, even as he tenses slightly. “This is me kid brother, Liam. Liam, this is Clint and Graham.”
“Alright,” Liam says sullenly.
Clint’s still laughing, “When you said you wanted to bring someone, we all thought we’d be meeting the lovely Louise.”
Liam feels himself smirk as Noel squirms under his arm. “Yeah, well she’s got shite taste in music, doesn’t she,” Noel says in that mean tone he gets when there’s too many sets of eyes on him.
The others laugh, and Liam lets himself drift as the conversation goes on around him. His arm’s still draped around Noel’s shoulders. He feels right there. A perfect, warm weight against Liam’s side. After a few more drinks with the Carpets, he and Noel head off into the crowd, getting closer to the stage. Liam leans close to whisper. “And why didn’t you bring the lovely Louise?” His lips brush against the shell of Noel’s ear. He nuzzles a little closer, and Noel shudders.
“Fuck off.”
Liam pulls back a little, grinning.
The gig is transcendent. They end up right at the front, after Liam throws a few elbows. Staring up at the stage, the bass thudding through his body as sure as his heartbeat, he feels everything he’d felt in their little bedroom, amplified. And Noel is there, right beside him, his eyes glowing bright in the lights from the stage. The feeling that had sparked in Liam’s chest that night has ignited, glowing brighter with every note. Liam’s lost in the music in his entirety, left feeling almost adrift when the band goes offstage, and the lights go up. He stares at the empty stage for a moment, lost. And then he turns to Noel, and their eyes lock. It all rushes back over Liam again. Noel looks beautiful, sweaty and wild-eyed from the crush of the crowd. He stares back for a moment, and then he drops his gaze, looking away from Liam and heading for the exit.
On their way out, Liam bumps into Bonehead and Guigs, and Noel slips off to talk to the Inspirals while he’s distracted. Liam’s having a good laugh with his mates when he sees that cunt Clint gesturing towards the door and Noel nodding along; clearly, they’re making plans. Liam feels his mouth set in a hard line. Noel had got more and more antsy after the set ended, shaking off Liam’s arm, his eyes flickering too fast around the room. He’d got all quiet and distracted, and seemed all too glad to slip away when Liam was otherwise occupied. Well, Liam isn’t having that.
He grabs Bonehead’s drink out of his hands and necks it. When Bonehead shoves him, Liam lets himself stumble, grappling for the wall like he can’t find his balance. He slides down the wall, then peeks up through his lashes. Bonehead’s standing in front of him, brow furrowed, offering Liam a hand up. Noel’s noticed the commotion; he’s looking sideways at Liam from where he’s standing with Clint. Liam stays where he is on the ground, hanging his head as if he’s dizzy. He waits until Noel grits his jaw and starts to walk over before he lets Bonehead pull him to his feet. He lets Bonehead support his weight, head lolling on his shoulder.
“He’s fucking wasted,” Bonehead says in disbelief, slightly out of breath.
“It certainly looks like it,” Noel says, his tone opaque. Liam has to breathe out slow to stop himself smirking. He keeps his face slack, his eyes mostly closed behind fluttering lashes.
“He’s fucked,” Bonehead states. “Last time he was this bad he kipped at the bus stop all night. Kids drew dicks on his face.”
Noel laughs. “I reckon we should let them have at it. Seems a shame to deny them their canvas.”
Liam moans in protest. Fucking rude. It’d taken a lot of vigorous scrubbing with his mam’s acetone to get that off his face.
“Might be an improvement anyway,” Noel says, then sighs. “They’ll get their chance another night. Come on, our kid.”
Liam lets himself be transferred from Bonehead to Noel, leaning on him heavily. As they’re heading for the door, he hears Clint call over: “Hey, Noel, I thought you were coming to the Haç?”
“Another night. The kid’s wasted,” Noel says, his tone one of bored irritation. Liam hears the guys sniggering at that. Fucking let them. They’re not going home with Noel.
It’s cold out in the street, and almost unearthly quiet after the music and the roar of the crowd. It’s like they’re in a little bubble, just the two of them under the light of the moon. Liam leans as heavily on Noel as he can get away with. He buries his nose in Noel’s neck, breathing in the smell of his skin. Noel tenses a little, but keeps moving. Liam keeps nuzzling at his neck, out of it with the feeling of being so close to Noel again. Noel’s breathing is getting a little unsteady when Liam leans in, unable to resist any longer, and licks a stripe along the salt of Noel’s skin. Noel jolts like he’s been electrocuted then, and shoves Liam away, hard. Liam actually does stumble then, but he rights himself quickly.
“The fuck was that for?” He complains.
“What the fuck are you playing at?” Noel’s voice is shaking.
“You smell good,” Liam shrugs, stepping closer to Noel again.
“Fuck off, Liam, you can walk fine on your own.”
Liam widens his eyes into innocent circles, sticking his lower lip out in a pout, but Noel’s having none of it. He starts walking, leaving Liam to fall into step beside him. It’s a long walk back. Noel is silent, walking with his eyes fixed on the pavement, his arms wrapped around himself like he’s trying to disappear into himself.
“I’m sorry, Noely,” Liam says when they’re a couple of streets from home. His voice comes out small, same as it always has when he’s apologising to Noel. His heart is beating hard in his chest, uncertainty clenching in his stomach.
Noel stops in his tracks, looking at Liam with something akin to horror in his expression. He rubs a hand over his pale face, shaking his head slightly. “You’re killing me, Liam,” his eyes meet Liam’s for a moment, something raw and helpless so evident within them. Liam almost reaches out, but then Noel looks away. He shoves his hands deep in his pockets and keeps moving. “It’s fucking freezing, hurry up.”
***
When they get in, Noel kicks off his shoes and darts up the stairs before Liam’s so much as stepped over the threshold. Liam stares after him, then toes off his own shoes and follows after.
Noel looks up sharply when Liam steps into their room, his eyes big and fearful. He’s just standing beside his bed, like he’s waiting for a fight. He twitches violently when Liam steps towards him. But Liam just grabs his crumpled pyjamas off the floor and strips off, getting ready for bed.
“Tonight was mega,” Liam says. “Best gig ever.”
Noel is silent for a moment, then says, “Yeah?” His voice is quiet.
“Yeah,” Liam says, turning to grin at Noel as he pulls his t-shirt on. Noel’s eyes drift for a moment to the skin visible at Liam’s midriff, lingering for a moment before he swallows hard and turns away, sitting down on his own bed. Liam watches as Noel reaches for his smoking stuff on the windowsill, his slim arm pale in the lamplight, then sits down on his own bed.
“Those blokes from the Carpets were alright.”
Noel looks at him in disbelief and snorts. “And that’ll be why you were so friendly all night.”
Liam shrugs. They fall silent for a little while, Liam watching as Noel finishes rolling a joint then raises it to his lips, darting his tongue out to seal it up. He waits for Noel to light it up before he stands up. Noel watches with wary eyes as Liam crosses the room to Noel’s bed, and sits down beside his outstretched legs.
“It were amazing though. The gig, like, not your mates.”
Noel nods, keeping his eyes down.
“Wish every night could be like that. Fuck, man, the music.”
Noel exhales, the smell of weed filling the air. “That hammer really did a number on you.” He leans his head back agains the wall, the lamplight catching against the jut of his Adam's apple as he breathes out slow, finally relaxing.
“S’pose it did,” Liam agrees absently, his eyes never leaving the pale, unmarked skin of Noel’s throat.
“Would’ve done it meself years ago if I’d known it’d make you bearable. Well - more bearable, at least.”
“Could give it another go,” Liam says. “See if summat else falls into place.”
Noel laughs at that, a real laugh from deep inside. Liam stares, his heart swelling almost painfully with affection. When Noel raises the joint to his lips again, Liam says, “Give us a bit, then.”
“Fuck off,” Noel says lazily, his eyes still closed. He takes another draw.
“Aw, come on. Dickhead.”
Noel shakes his head. Liam gives him a little shove, but it does nothing to dislodge the smug expression from Noel’s face. His eyes do crack open in alarm whe he feels the bed shift though, Liam moving closer.
“Fuck off, you little shit,” Noel says, hauling himself and the joint further out of Liam’s reach. But he’s giggling, and Liam crawls further up the bed, trying to catch hold of the joint. He grabs for Noel’s wrists, ending up half on top of him in an effort to pin him in place. But no matter how good a grip Liam gets on him, Noel just keeps squirming away, the joint always a little out of reach. They struggle for a while until Liam pauses, panting, and Noel takes the opportunity to take another draw. They’re flush against each other, chests rising and falling against one another. Liam looks down at Noel, a little dazed, watching him close his lips around the joint, his cheeks hollowing a little. When Noel starts to exhale, Liam presses his open mouth to Noel’s.
He jolts beneath Liam, his eyes fluttering open in alarm. But then he seems to relax a little, and he keeps exhaling. Liam stays where he is, breathing in the air Noel exhales, the taste of weed and faded liqour. Noel’s lips are warm, and surprisingly soft. His eyes are shut, long lashes dark against his flushed cheeks. When Noel stops exhaling, Liam draws back just a little, looking down at Noel with heavy lidded eyes. He can feel Noel’s rabbit heartbeat against his own chest. Noel looks up at him with wide eyes. The moment feels still, fragile.
“Give us some more?” Liam whispers, his voice low and rough.
Noel’s lips part slightly, as if in surprise, and then he brings the joint back to his lips, breathing in a little shakily. Liam watches his cheeks hollow, feels Noel’s chest rise against his. His heart is hammering. And then Noel looks back up at Liam, and Liam holds eye contact as he sinks down slowly, pressing his lips to Noel’s again. Liam breathes in deep, greedy for the air leaving Noel’s lungs and rushing into his. When Liam can’t breathe anymore in, and he’s lightheaded with it, he still doesn’t want to pull back. There’s something magnetic, drawing him back in.
The next lungful will be the last, the joint burned down nearly to Noel’s fingertips. Noel flicks the butt into a mug on the windowsill and then looks back up at Liam, his gaze searching. Liam leans back in again slow, and breathes in everything Noel has to give. He relaxes against Noel a little more as he inhales, pressing closer. Noel makes a tiny, stifled sound, and his cock twitches where it’s pressed up against Liam’s thigh. A jolt of arousal goes through Liam, heat flooding him. He makes an involuntary sound, and licks into Noel’s mouth, shifting his body desperately, impossibly closer to Noel’s. He knew Noel wanted this. He knew it.
Noel is hard against him, pushing desperately into the pressure of Liam’s thigh, his hands tangled in Liam’s hair, kissing him back furiously. Liam’s gasping, letting out involuntary little sounds, his hips snapping forward to chase the friction against Noel’s hip. Noel’s hands are grasping at Liam’s t-shirt, almost aggressive in their grip. Liam noses across Noel’s cheek, grazing his lips on days old stubble. He bites at Noel’s jaw, sucking at the taste of his skin. When he noses beneath Noel’s ear and licks a line down his throat, one of Noel’s hands comes up to tangle hard in his hair, holding his head down. He scrapes his teeth against Noel’s skin, feeling Noel’s hips bucking up against him in response.
Liam shoves his hands under the hem of Noel’s t-shirt unceremoniously, running his hands up the soft skin of Noel’s sides. He’s tiny; unbelievably narrow beneath Liam’s hands. Liam’s jaw goes slack as a mental image flashes across his mind; he reckons he could have one hand on either side of Noel and touch his thumbs to each other, cover the expanse of him side to side with the span of his hands. But then Noel’s hand slips under Liam’s t-shirt, and his nails dig into Liam’s back, clawing down, and all thoughts leave Liam’s head.
“I want - I need to fuck you,” Liam whispers, his voice choked as he thrusts desperately against Noel.
“I know, kid,” he says breathlessly.
“Please, Noely.”
Noel pulls Liam back to him, kissing him open-mouthed and messy. And then his hand is snaking down Liam’s body, down his stomach, his abdomen, slipping beneath his joggers. Liam jerks forward as Noel wraps his hand around Liam’s cock, his grip warm and tight. Liam grunts, pushing into Noel’s fist over and over. Sweat’s dripping from his forehead, and he’s panting against Noel’s mouth, too caught up in it to speak. It isn’t long before his orgasm rushes over him like a tidal wave. His cock jumps in Noel’s grip in almost painful pulses, his whole body rigid with it. He lets out a choked sound, his mouth open against Noel’s cheek. Then he flops down, panting against Noel’s sweaty throat, his heart hammering against his ribs so hard he feels lightheaded.
As the rushing in his ears subsides, Noel’s arms slide away from around him, and Liam can feel him tensing up. He pulls back, looking down at Noel. He’s looking back at Liam, his eyes full of something like guilt or fear. He seems frozen in place. Liam’s eyes wander, to his swollen, red lips, the trail of bruises creeping down Noel’s throat. He dips down, pressing his lips to Noels. He’s still hard, Liam can feel it up against him, but Noel stays unnervingly still, his lips unmoving. Liam draws back; Noel is staring up at him, his eyes wide open. Liam frowns. His thoughts are sluggish. Noel looks like he’s on the verge of saying something stupid, or possibly imploding. So Liam dips down, and kisses his open eye. Noel stops being so still; he jerks like a fish caught on a line. He looks up at Liam, face all outraged, so Liam decides it’s only fair to do the other one too. Noel splutters, hitting at Liam’s back with his fists.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, kid?” He hisses, his tone angry - but Liam knows him well enough to hear the laughter in it too as he wipes at his eyes, trying to get rid of Liam’s slobber. Liam raises his eyebrows at that, and makes his weight go dead against Noel, crushing him. Noel wheezes. “Fucking get off me!”
Liam stays where he is, and then jumps as Noel digs his chubby little fingers into Liam’s sides, right where he knows Liam is tickly. Liam writhes helplessly, calling Noel a cunt through his laughter. When Liam stops struggling, they’re both breathing heavily. He slides his hand between them, gripping Noel through his jeans. He’s still hard. Noel tenses again. “Liam -”
“Come on, let me,” he says, shifting so he’s right on top of Noel again, murmuring the words against his lips. “Let me, Noely.”
He brushes his lips against Noel’s throat, waiting for him to speak. But he doesn’t. Just swallows hard, his throat contracting under Liam’s lips. Liam squeezes him, and Noel pushes up into his hand, his breath catching in his throat. Liam goes for Noel’s belt, scrabbling to unfasten it. Noel’s hand flutters down halfheartedly, getting in between Liam’s hand and his fly. Liam grabs his wrist and moves it firmly away, pinning it to the mattress next to his head. Noel moans, tensing slightly against Liam’s grip as Liam gets back to it with his other hand. Liam’s stomach lurches as his fingers meet wiry hair, hot sweaty skin. Noel’s breathing fast now, almost like he’s in pain. Liam trails his fingers lower until they meet throbbing, fever hot skin. Arousal flares in Liam’s stomach, so intense it’s almost sickening. He scrabbles to get a hold of Noel, wrapping his hand around the velvet skin of his cock, feeling the weight of it twitching in his palm, precum oozing against his skin. The sound Noel makes, helpless and utterly turned on, goes straight to Liam’s cock. He mouths down Noel’s throat, biting at his clavicle. He’s grinding up against Noel’s hip again, his cock oversensitive, as he continues to jerk Noel off. He’s sweating, lost in the small, suppressed noises Noel is making almost constantly now. He can’t help it. He comes in his joggers, his hand around Noel’s cock moving erratically as he moans against Noel’s neck.
“Fuck. Fuck. Liam, fuck” Noel garbles helplessly, his hand twisted in Liam’s hair almost painfully as he goes still and then jerks upward, his cock spurting in Liam’s hand. Noel sounds like he’s sobbing, his voice cracking as he convulses against Liam.
When Liam pulls away, he’s dazed. He sits back on his knees and looks down in awe at Noel. His skinny abdomen is still twitching through the aftershocks, his chest rising and falling fast. His face is glowing, sheened with sweat. He looks angelic to Liam.
Noel sits up after a moment, a little shaky, and leans back against the wall. He’s looking at Liam, his expression unsure. When Liam just stares back, Noel reaches for the glass of water on their bedside table and downs most of it. Liam reaches out wordlessly for the rest of it. Noel looks away as Liam drinks, and reaches for his cigarettes. He doesn’t protest when Liam holds his hand out for the pack after he’s taken one. Instead, he holds out his lighter.
Liam inhales deeply, feeling the faint buzz of nicotine pulling him back down into his body from the cloud he’s been floating on. Noel’s breathing has steadied, but he’s silent. Liam fidgets with his lip, feeling inexplicably like he always did when he was a kid and he knew he’d done something wrong. Waiting at Noel’s feet to be forgiven. Liam glances over at him, and feels a knot twist in his stomach. Noel looks vulnerable more than he looks angry. Liam can’t stand that. He’s never been able to stand Noel looking helpless. He’d rather have Noel raging, ready to leather him, than look like this. All the fight gone out of him, drawn in on himself.
Liam stubs his cigarette out and lunges for Noel, knocking him back down on the bed and burying his face in Noel’s hair. Noel lets out a little oof sound, but he doesn’t fight it. Liam feels full of love and choking fear, seized suddenly by it. He breathes shakily against Noel’s neck, holding onto him too tight. He’s consumed by the utter need to not let go. His throat is aching, tears burning behind his eyes, waiting to be shoved away. But Noel doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t move. Slowly, Liam’s hold on him relaxes, and he falls asleep on Noel like that, draped over him like a heavy, sweaty blanket. And only when Liam is dead to the world, Noel puts his arms back around Liam, humming gently into the silence.