Chapter Text
The Real Housewives of Ottawa
Cassie (Bood)
Girls
Gentleladies
WAGs of the best NHL team
Penelope (Dill)
Best?
Cassie (Bood)
Hush, bitch
Best vibes, not best record 😒
Lisa (Hazy)
Best record will probably be Montreal again anyway 🤷♀️
Caitlin (Ev)
Dr. Hayes, I know you aren’t talking about our division rivals like that
Arden (Pointy)
Is she wrong, though?
Selena (Choui)
Yes
Lumi (Bergy)
This is a positive space, yes?
Let’s not focus on the negative
Penelope (Dill)
Lumi always being the voice of reason
Cassie (Bood)
Ugh
LISTEN
TO
ME
Lisa (Hazy)
YOU’RE
NOT
TALKING
Penelope (Dill)
Omg get on with it, Cass!
Cassie (Bood)
Thank you
Now, we must behave ourselves, ladies
We have royalty in our midst 👑
Arden (Pointy)
What the hell are you on about, Cassie?
Cassie (Bood) has added Jane (Rozy) to the conversation
Uhh
What is this?
Caitlin (Ev)
Wait a second
ROZY
LIKE ILYA ROZANOV
HAS A GIRLFRIEND?!
Lisa (Hazy)
You didn’t realize that?
Arden (Pointy)
How would we have realized that?
Roz never said a damn word about a girlfriend
Selena (Choui)
How did you find out, Lis?
Lisa (Hazy)
Because I’m Mrs. Goalie Eyes
Cassie (Bood)
Lisa, you are DR. Goalie Eyes
Show yourself some respect
Can someone tell me why I’m here?
Cassie (Bood)
Bood got your number from Roz
Apparently he got wasted at our barbecue last night and would not shut up about his Jane
Meaning Ilya Rozanov has a WAG, everyone!
I don’t think I’m really a WAG…
Lumi (Bergy)
Are you dating Ilya Rozanov?
Yes…
Penelope (Dill)
Then hi, you’re a WAG, babe
Would’ve been nice for Ilya to give me a heads up
But it’s very on brand for him to do it this way
Cassie (Bood)
Okay, roll call, ladies!
I’m Cassie, Zane Boodram’s wife
Lisa (Hazy)
Lisa, Wyatt Hayes’ wife
Penelope (Dill)
I’m Penelope, Tanner Dillon’s girlfriend!
Selena (Choui)
We’re so excited you’re here, Jane! I’m Selena, Nick Chouinard’s wife
Lumi (Bergy)
Lumi, Chase Holmberg’s girlfriend!
Caitlin (Ev)
Caitlin, Evan Dykstra’s wife!
Arden (Pointy)
And I’m Arden, Eliot LaPointe’s fiancee!
Well, I’m Jane, Roz’s partner
You probably knew that already, though
Sorry, I just wasn’t expecting this
And I really don’t think I belong here
Lisa (Hazy)
Nonsense!
Of course you belong here, Jane!
Cassie (Bood)!
We’re a crazy but welcoming bunch!
Caitlin (Ev)
Emphasis on crazy for Cassie
Cassie (Bood)
I’m pregnant🤰
I’m allowed to be crazy
Congratulations!
I think I remember Ilya mentioning that before
He loves kids
Arden (Pointy)
Of course he does
He’s such a fucking sweetheart
Don’t let him hear you say that
He doesn’t want anyone knowing how much of a softie he is
He’d hate for you to know that he goes to the farmer’s market with my mom and does jigsaw puzzles with my dad
Lisa (Hazy)
Ha!
Jane’s already getting comfy here
He did just kinda throw me to the wolves so I’m not gonna feel bad about it
Penelope (Dill)
Punish him more
No sex for a week
Selena (Choui)
Your favorite punishment
Penelope (Dill)
If Tanner doesn’t want me to take away sex, he shouldn’t act like such an idiot 🤷♀️
That’s a little drastic
I barely get to see Ilya as it is so I’m not forgoing sex just because he’s being an idiot
I’d be a virgin otherwise
Cassie (Bood)
That and Roz has a well-documented past as a fuckboy
I bet that dick is fantastic
I cannot confirm or deny that
Penelope (Dill)
Oh come on
Janey here tamed THE Ilya Rozanov
She’s gotta be pretty magic herself
He’s never had any complaints 😏
Lisa (Hazy)
We’re keeping you, Jane
Sorry not sorry
Ha ha
You ladies seem great
Maybe I needed something like this
Lumi (Bergy)
Yes, you do!
Caitlin (Ev)
Now spill the tea, girl!
I’m more of a coffee drinker honestly
Arden (Pointy)
Girl
What?
Cassie (Bood)
Oh, bless her
She’s being serious
Yes, I’m being serious?
Caitlin (Ev)
Jane
Spill the tea means tell us everything!
Oh
Sorry
Selena (Choui)
How long have you and Roz been together?
10 years, give or take…
Cassie (Bood)
10 years
A MOTHERFUCKING DECADE?!
Kinda
We were casual for a long time
We’ve only been exclusive for the past 3 years
Lisa (Hazy)
That was before he even came to Ottawa!
Yeah…
He might have signed with Ottawa to be closer to me…
Lumi (Bergy)
How sweet is that!
Cassie (Bood)
Loverboy Roz confirmed
Caitlin (Ev)
Do you live in Ottawa then?
Montreal actually
But Ottawa is a lot closer to Montreal than Boston is
My parents live in Ottawa, though, since that’s where I’m from
Penelope (Dill)
I always knew Roz’s asshole persona was just an act
Oh no, he’s still an asshole
But in a fun way?
Arden (Pointy)
Asshole (affectionate)
Huh?
Cassie (Bood)
Oh Montreal Jane, you need to spend more time online
I’m too busy to spend time online
Selena (Choui)
What keeps you so busy?
My job
I work in the sports industry
Lisa (Hazy)
You work in sports in Montreal, but you’re a Centaurs fan?
Who said anything about being a Centaurs fan?
Cassie (Bood)
Your boyfriend plays for the Centaurs!
He does
Doesn’t mean I root for his team, though
Caitlin (Ev)
Jane, please tell me you’re not…
👀
Arden (Pointy)
JANE
Go Habs Go!
Penelope (Dill)
Well, that explains why Roz has kept you secret so long
I support a winning team 🤷
Finger slipped, I meant 🤷♀️
Cassie (Bood)
You know, it’s not too late to remove you…
Lily❤️
Lily
Moya lyubov
I miss you
Shane
Shane
SHANE
Jesus, stop blowing up my phone
Lily
Don’t ignore me, moy lyubimyy
I’m not ignoring you
I’m talking to the WAGs
You know, the group you didn’t tell me I was going to be added to?
Lily
Ah!
They are lovely ladies, yes?
They are
They’re almost nice enough to make me forget that I got added to the chat without my consent
Lily
Solnyshko
I make it up to you
Yeah?
What did you have in mind?
Lily
Get your tripod
It’s already set up
Lily
Fuck, you are perfect