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The thing is, the thing is, Anthony understands chaos.
He's understood it his whole life.
His whole upbringing was chaotic, his very brief, tumultuous engagement at the age of 18 to a much older man was chaotic.
He got it. He understood it. He understood the fast-paced passion, the need the shout and scream and move a million miles an hour.
He didn't understand the calm.
And Asa, he was calm. A faff, sure. Maybe even a little bit stuck up but he eased Anthony’s mind like no one ever had before.
His thoughts moved at a million miles an hour and even from that first interaction in the bookshop Anthony’s mind melted into nothing. Silence except for one single thought.
Wow, he’s beautiful.
And he still has that thought every single time he lays eyes on him. It's still early days, very early, but after seven dates Anthony thought they might be a little further along, you know, physically.
They’ve kissed. God, their first kiss was everything.
It was their second date. They were walking down by the river and Asa had casually slipped his hand between Anthony’s with a shy smile. They’d stopped to look at the view, Asa talking about some customer or other, Anthony didn’t know, he couldn’t concentrate.
He kissed him mid sentence, nothing frantic, nothing chaotic. Just slow and sure.
Asa didn’t bat an eyelid, no startled noise, no awkward moments or stepping away. He simply kissed back like he’d been expecting it, like it was the most casual thing in the world, his hands coming to rest softly on Anthony’s cheeks.
It knocked him six how perfect kissing Asa was. Like standing in an old library, calm, safe and silent. The sort of quiet that settles over you slowly until you realise your shoulders have dropped and your breathing has changed.
In fact, his whole relationship, whatever they were, felt like that.
On their third date Anthony had leaned across the counter at the bookshop and kissed Asa hello properly. Not one of their soft little hesitant kisses either. A real one. Slightly filthy. The sort of kiss that said I’ve been thinking about this all day.
Asa had blushed scarlet because Derek had been standing three feet away pretending not to witness any of it.
And then, while ushering Anthony out of the shop so they could actually leave for dinner, Asa had rested his hand briefly against Anthony’s arse like he couldn’t quite help himself.
That touch alone had kept Anthony hard through most of the evening.
But every date still ended the same way.
Kissing in Anthony’s car — not a Bentley, tragically, but named Bentley because Anthony desperately wanted one — parked outside Asa’s flat. Slow kisses. Warm hands. Asa breathing softly against his mouth like he wanted more.
And then nothing.
No invitation upstairs.
No “stay a bit longer.”
Just another soft kiss and a quiet goodnight before Asa disappeared into the building.
Every single bloody time.
So tonight, after their seventh date, Anthony drove home with a heavy heart and a rock-hard cock.
Maybe Asa simply wasn’t into him like that.
Anthony might’ve believed it too if he hadn’t caught Asa looking at him when he thought Anthony wasn’t paying attention.
And Anthony knew desire.
He knew what it looked like when somebody wanted you so badly they had to consciously stop themselves reaching out.
His boyfriend- friend- lover- situationship- whatever the fuck he was looked at him like that constantly.
Which meant there was only one conclusion left.
Asa wanted him.
For some utterly maddening reason, he was just refusing to do anything about it.
Anthony suddenly couldn’t stand it any longer.
Bentley screeched to a halt and he did a U turn in the middle of the road. Luckily it was late and there were no cars around.
When he got back to the flat he was quick to get out the car and press the buzzer.
It was ignored at first but Anthony didn’t let up. He buzzed and buzzed until finally Asa’s voice came out of the small silver box.
“Who is it?” he snipped.
“Me. I mean, Anthony.”
“Oh.”
“I know. I know this is weird and probably stupid but can I just- can I come up? I need to talk to you.”
Anthony heard a heavy sigh and then the door clicked unlocked.
He took the stairs two at a time and Asa was standing at the door waiting for him.
Wow, he’s beautiful.
“Look,” Asa said before Anthony could say anything. “If you've come to break up with me you really don’t-“
Anthony’s smile had dropped but he shook his head.
Heavens, he needed him.
He needed to touch him.
“Shut up.” He groaned before pulling Asa in for a kiss by the front of his shirt – he must have rid himself of the waist coat once he’d gotten home and Anthony was already smitten seeing him slightly unbuttoned.
Without missing a beat Asa kissed him back, just as desperate, just as needy, with the same burning desire they were both clearly feeling.
Asa’s hands ran down Anthony’s back to cup his arse cheeks again and pulled him flush against him, chest to chest, hip to hip.
And fucking hell, was that Asa’s dick he could feel pressing into him?
Anthony nearly lost his fucking mind.
Asa was hard. Properly hard. Pressed against Anthony through far too many layers of clothing, breathing unevenly into his mouth like he was trying and failing to stay composed.
“You do want me.” Anthony whispered without giving it much thought.
Asa pulled back to look at him.
“I- what?”
“Sorry. Fuck, sorry. I just thought... well, I wasn’t sure if you were interested in me that way.” Anthony nodded to their crutches and a burst of colour filled Asa’s cheeks.
“Gosh. Ok. Would you like to come in? I’m not sure the neighbours need a show.”
Anthony cringed inwardly at his own behaviour but nodded. Asa took his hand and led him inside.
The flat was everything Anthony imagined, cluttered in a way that made in perfectly homely. Beige and tartan and books, exactly what he expected and it couldn’t help but make him smile.
“Would you like to sit? I’ll get us some wine and we can talk.”
“Are you breaking up with me now?” Anthony joked as he sat down.
He instantly felt uneasy when Asa laughed awkwardly and disappeared in to the kitchen.
“You see, the thing is,” Asa said as he brought two glasses of wine back through. “I can’t- I don’t- oh, Christ.”
“I'm sorry. This is too much, isn’t it? I’m going too fast. I can... go. And back off and... the ball is in your court.”
He meant it, too. He’d wait. For as long as it took, he’d wait.
“No. No. I just... it’s been a while. A long while and... oh to hell with it. Look at you! You’re- gorgeous. And I- well, I’m insecure. And no one has seen me naked in a while.”
Asa was almost the colour of the wine and Anthony couldn’t help but smile.
“As,” he said softly, taking his wine and put both glasses down. “You’re beautiful. Inside and out. I’m not here because of your looks. Although they are a bonus.” They both smiled. Anthony big and Asa shy. “And in the spirit of being honest, I’ve been thinking about you naked from the moment you tried to sell me my own book.”
“Oh. Well, yes. I um... suppose I've been thinking about you too.”
“Yeah? Good. OK, good. Should I go? We can pretend this never happened, if you want.”
Asa laughed and fully turned to Anthony.
“Stay.” He murmured, stroking his hand over Anthony’s thigh so there was no misunderstanding what he wanted. “Maybe we should uh... talk. A little about... preferences, and such... over our wine.”
Anthony passed their drinks back with a shy smile himself.
“OK. Yeah um... God, it’s been a while since I’ve had this conversation.” He said with an awkward laugh.
“How about I start us off.” Asa suggested, taking a large gulp of his wine.
Asa explained he had a clean bill of health. Anthony admitted he hadn’t been tested in some time but he would do it as soon as possible.
Asa’s hand stayed on Anthony’s thigh, burning right down to his bones the more they spoke. Asa explained very awkwardly that he bottomed but preferred to top, which Anthony was relieved about because he preferred to bottom.
Asa was getting just as worked up as Anthony, judging by the way his hand kept itching higher and higher.
There was a moment, a turning point where their eyes met and the silence fell around them. Anthony’s breath became slightly ragged and when he licked his lips Asa’s gaze flicked over them.
Anthony doesn’t know where he found his confidence, maybe it was the wine, or maybe it was Asa’s thumb constantly rubbing the inside of his thigh had him half hard. In fact, he’d been half hard most of the night.
He took Asa's hand and pulled it up to his bulge. Asa sucked in a breath and watched his own hand gripping and caressing the front of Anthony’s trousers.
Anthony, despite the euphoric feeling of finally being touched, watched him carefully for any signs of discomfort. There wasn’t a single one. Only the sight of a man desperate to throw caution to the wind.
And throw, he did.
He placed the glasses back down and reached to undo Anthony’s belt. Before he really knew what was happening, he felt Asa’s hand on him, gripping his now enticingly hard cock.
“Oh.” He whispered, his head lolling back but he kept it to the side so he could watch Asa’s face. “Come here. Kiss me.”
Their mouths came together carefully. Slow at first but Asa started to kiss like a man who’d been holding back and Anthony was weak to it.
He melted into it instantly.
Because this — this was what he’d been imagining every night driving home half wrecked from wanting him. Asa kissing him open-mouthed and needy, one hand wrapped around him like he couldn’t bear not touching him anymore.
But reality was somehow softer than fantasy had ever been.
Asa kept stopping every few seconds just to look at him. Like he couldn’t quite believe this was happening either.
“You alright?” he whispered against Anthony’s mouth.
“Uh hu. You?”
Asa’s cheeks pinked again, though his hand never stopped moving. “Quite overwhelmed, actually.”
Anthony blinked his lust hooded eyes open properly.
“We don’t have to do it.”
Asa squeezed him gently in protest.
“In a good way.” He corrected himself. “Will you stay the night?”
“Yes.” He answered in a heartbeat, placing his hand gently on Asa’s wrist to stop him.
“Let’s go to bed.”
They moved through the flat slowly, hands joined and little kisses here and there. Anthony had never experienced anything like it, not really. It was all soft and slow and gently and it felt right. Like this is exactly how it was supposed to be.
“Sorry, I should have tidied.” Asa said, quickly moving the clothes from the bed that he’d clearly tried on before their date.
“No,” Anthony replied, stroking a hand up his back. “It’s perfect. Everything about this. Everything about you is perfect.”
“Oh.”
“We don’t have to do anything tonight. How about we just go bed? We can sleep and get breakfast in the morning?”
Asa’s eyebrows shot up at that and he moved to step in front of Anthony.
“We could do that.” He nodded, running a finger down the buttons of Anthony’s shirt. “Or,” he ran his finger back up and started to undo them. “I could fuck you. Then we can go to sleep and get breakfast in the morning?”
The air left Anthony’s lungs in a gasp and all he could do was nod. He stared at him for a full second, completely incapable of coherent thought.
Because Asa said it so calmly.
Not crudely. Not awkwardly.
Just matter-of-fact and devastatingly confident all of a sudden, standing there in his softly lit bedroom with his sleeves rolled up and Anthony’s shirt hanging open beneath his hands.
Anthony thought he might actually die from it.
“Asa,” he breathed helplessly.
A shy smile flickered across Asa’s face then, though his fingers kept working steadily through Anthony’s buttons. “Too much?” he asked softly.
“No.” Anthony shook his head immediately. “God, no.”
Asa stepped closer until they were nearly chest to chest again. “Good.”
His palms slid beneath Anthony’s shirt, warm and careful against bare skin, pushing the fabric slowly off his shoulders. And there it was again — that unbearable gentleness threaded through every touch. Like even now, with desire thick between them, Asa’s first instinct was still to be kind.
Anthony let the shirt fall somewhere to the floor without looking.
Asa’s eyes tracked over him slowly then. Not hurried. Not clinical. Just openly appreciative in a way that made heat rush straight to Anthony’s face.
“You’re lovely,” Asa murmured before he seemed to realise he’d said it aloud.
“Can I see you too?”
He watched something unpleasant flash on Asa’s face, watched him trying to work through it so to distract him Anthony cupped his cheeks and kissed him again.
“You don’t have to.” He assured. “It won’t change how I feel about you.”
“How do you feel about me?”
“Like falling in love with you will be the easiest thing in the world.”
Will.
No question about it.
He whispered it like a secret and Asa made a small, helpless noise before kissing him again.
He reached for his own buttons but Anthony stopped him so he could take over. Once he’d pushed the shirt off of his shoulders he looked at him and groaned.
“Fuck, you’re amazing.”
“Oh, please-“
Anthony shut him up again with another kiss. Another rude interruption and Asa moaned, his lips trailed over his neck, his chest. He moved down over his stomach before sinking to his knees.
He looked up at Asa, who was watching him, as he unbuckled his belt and pulled his trousers down. He helped him step out of them and waited for Asa to nod before he pulled his boxers down.
“Oh, wow.” Anthony murmured when he was face to face with his cock. “I- fuck. I can see why you like to top with this thing.”
It was thick, girthy, and long. The perfect combination.
“Can I...?”
“Yes. Please.”
Anthony took him in his hand then, giving him a few stokes to get him fully solid and then wrapped his lips around the tip.
The stretch on his mouth was obscene so to say Anthony was beyond excited to feel the stretch as he fucked him was an understatement.
Asa made a noise above him, something between a breath and a moan and his fingers slid through Anthony’s hair, gripping slightly. Anthony took him as far as he could go, swallowing him down and breathing rapidly through his nose when his cock hit the back of his throat.
“Oh my-“ Asa cut himself off with a moan and tightened his grip in Anthony’s curls.
Anthony found a rhythm, getting his cock nice and wet and using his hand where his mouth couldn’t reach. Asa didn’t look away once, barely even blinked, as if he didn’t want to miss a single second of this show.
He probably should have put a cushion under his knees, because he’s certainly not as young as he once was but Anthony was loving every second of this. He was painfully hard, worshipping Asa like he deserved and he couldn’t get enough.
Asa was gasping and moaning and it only spurred him on.
“Fuck.” Anthony gasped when he pulled back so he could breath properly, spit down his chin. “You sound so hot.”
Asa’s entire body shuddered at that.
Anthony felt it in the way his thighs tensed beside his shoulders, in the hitch of his breathing, in the fingers tightening helplessly in his hair.
“It might be better if you don’t talk,” Asa managed, voice wrecked completely.
Anthony grinned against his skin, pleased with himself. “Why not?”
“Because I’m trying very hard not to embarrass myself.”
That warmth bloomed in Anthony’s chest again. Even now, even half undone and breathless, Asa was still worrying about composure. Still trying to stay neat around the edges while Anthony knelt between his legs looking up at him like he hung the bloody moon.
“You’re beautiful when you lose control a bit,” Anthony said softly, pressing another kiss just below his navel before swallowing him back down.
Asa made that helpless noise again.
Anthony could feel him trying to hold back still, could see it in the way he kept swallowing down sounds and tightening his jaw afterwards like he was embarrassed by them. So Anthony stroked his hands slowly up Asa’s thighs, pulled back and looked up at him properly.
“Hey.”
Asa blinked down at him dazedly. “Mm?”
“You don’t have to be careful with me.”
Something in Asa’s expression cracked open at that. Not dramatically, just quietly.
Like relief.
His hand slipped from Anthony’s hair to cradle his cheek instead, thumb brushing gently beneath his eye. “You say the loveliest things,” he whispered.
Anthony leaned into the touch instinctively. “Only because they’re true.”
For a moment neither of them moved.
Asa standing there flushed pink and gorgeous, Anthony kneeling between his legs with his hands resting warmly against his skin. The room felt impossibly soft around them somehow. Lamp light and tangled blankets and the faint sound of London outside the windows.
Calm.
Even now.
Anthony finally understood that calm didn’t mean lack of passion. If anything, this felt more intense than any chaotic relationship he’d ever stumbled through before. Because this mattered. Because Asa mattered.
Asa drew him gently back to his feet then, kissing him immediately the second he was upright again. Slow at first, then deeper when Anthony melted against him with a quiet sound.
Asa finished undressing the pair of them which Anthony’s shakey hands were grateful for and they quietly got under the quilt.
“We don’t have to do anything.” Anthony reminded softly, both lying on their sides to face one another.
“Oh, very well.” Asa said with a teasing smile. “We’ll stop now, shall we?”
“Sure.” Anthony gulped, barely able to focus by the way Asa was ghosting his fingers over one of Anthony’s nipples.
“I know I've maybe been irrationally insecure. But I want this. I want you.”
“How you feel isn’t irrational. But, look at you. You’re gorgeous.”
“Oh, stop.”
“I’m serious. And I’ll tell you every day if that’s what you need. I’ll show you every day.”
Anthony kissed him again and Asa’s hand found its way to his arse again.
“You’re definitely an arse man.” Anthony teased against his mouth, hooking his leg over Asa’s hip and Asa pulled him closer, pushing their hips together so their cocks rubbed against one another.
“Well I’m hardly a tits man, am I?” He snipped back playfully.
Anthony laughed and they kissed again, all teeth and tongues until Asa pushed him on his back and climbed over him. Anthony spread his legs to accommodate him and he slotted into them comfortably.
They moved slowly, hands caressing over flesh, the heat building, the tension almost too much as their tongues did a filthy dance that had Anthony bucking up, grinding their cocks together with a groan.
Asa reached into his bedside drawer for the lube and a condom while Anthony just kissed any part of skin he could get his mouth on.
He bit gently before sucking a small mark on to his shoulder. Asa buried his face into Anthony’s neck, making his own artwork and they kept grinding together, breath ragged and cheeks flushed.
“I could come just from this.” Anthony admitted, kissing his way back to Asa’s mouth.
“Do you want to?”
“No. No, I really really want you to fuck me.”
“You could ask nicely.” Asa teased, nipping gently at his lip with his teeth.
“Please fuck me, As.” Anthony moaned, their cocks rubbing just right.
“Patience, darling.”
Despite his words, Asa quickly uncapped the lube and coated his fingers. Anthony gasped as they pressed against his eager hole. He teased him, stroking his fingers in small circles, getting him wet before he slowly pressed one finger in.
He only went to the first knuckle but Anthony felt euphoric.
“Keep going, please.” Anthony whined, bearing his hips down to try and get Asa’s finger further into him.
Asa hummed, biting gently over his jaw and down his neck. He pressed his finger in further and Anthony made a small noise, desperate for more.
He moved his hand at an excruciatingly slow pace and Anthony groaned in frustration more than anything.
“As. Give me more, please.”
“I’m trying to be gentle.”
“I’m a 45-year-old gay man, I can handle more than one finger in me. Please, it’s driving me- ugh!”
Asa added a second to shut him up. It worked – sort of. Because as soon as Asa crooked his fingers and rubbed them firmly over his prostate Anthony let out a deep, guttural moan.
Asa barely let up, his pace increasing dramatically and he fucked him so spectacularly with his fingers Anthony was already a wreck.
He ran his fingers his through Asa’s hair, setting his curls free and clinging on to him. When he added a third finger Anthony cried out, bucking up for friction against his cock but Asa had pulled back enough so there wasn’t any.
“As.” He moaned. “Please. Fuck me. Please.”
“Mhm, you beg so prettily.” He teased and Anthony just panted in response.
“Please.” He whined, throwing his head back and Asa smiled at him.
“I could listen to you beg all night.”
Anthony wanted to say something quick witted back, something along the lines of how he would if Asa needed all night but he simply moaned, mind blank, words failing him entirely.
When Asa pulled his fingers out, he wanted to protest but he soon felt the blunt head of Asa’s cock pressing against him.
Anthony clung to him, groaning loudly as Asa pushed inside of him.
“Don’t stop.” He gasped out when Asa hesitated.
When he was fully seated Anthony risked looking at him. It was a mistake, a massive mistake because something cracked open in his chest and out flew all the love he’d been missing over the years.
He could feel it thrumming in his veins, a soothing vibration rather than a deep itch now he had Asa.
“Are you ok?” Asa asked quietly.
“Yes. Fuck, yes. Please move. I need- please.” Anthony tried to blink the tears away, he doesn’t even know were there.
Maybe this felt too real. Too raw, too meant to be.
“Shh,” Asa whispered, kissing him softly as he started to move slowly. “I’ve got you.”
“As.” Anthony moaned, reaching between them to grip his dick.
He gave himself lazy strokes, knowing if he did any more than that he’d cum and he’d be the one embarrassing himself.
He felt Asa pull almost all the way out before pushing himself back in to the hilt, making them both moan. His rhythm was careful, firm and at a steady pace that had Anthony reeling.
“Fuck, As.” He whimpered, squeezing himself at the base of his cock because it just felt too good.
Asa was hitting him just right, finding the jackpot every time he slid back into him and Anthony could do nothing but take it, even as he sped up, even as he became more forceful with it.
“Anthony-“ Asa moaned, keeping his arms straight so he could look at the man beneath him. “You feel-“ He didn’t finish his sentence, instead he leaned down to kiss him.
“I know.” Anthony whispered against his mouth, because he did. He knew exactly how this felt and it was nothing like he’d ever experienced before. “I know. Fuck, As. I- fuck. It’s so good. You feel- so good.”
Anthony’s words were nearly down to a breath and if Asa hadn’t have been so close he wouldn’t have heard him.
When Asa leaned back on his knees, pulling Anthony’s legs over his, he almost lost it. The change in the position, the view, everything, everything was just too much.
Asa’s jaw was slack, his mouth open as he fucked into him, his hips moving in a way that Anthony would dream about for the rest of his life.
“I can’t-“ Anthony practically sob. “I’m so close, I...”
“It’s ok.” Asa whispered, running his hand up Anthony’s chest and sounding just as wrecked. “Let go, my darling. Come all over yourself for me. Let me see you.”
Anthony could barely stroke himself so Asa took over, his grip making Anthony moaned even louder, filling the quiet of the room.
It took about six strokes in line with Asa’s thrusts before he was shooting up between them. His mind flashed white, nothing but pure ecstasy coursing through him as he came enough to put a teenage to shame.
His head was thrown back, his back arched up of the bed and Asa was moaning at the sight, his thrusts, just as forceful but becoming sporadic as he let go himself, coming with a shout in the condom.
Neither of them moved. Neither of them said anything, they simply panted, eyes closed and hands gently stroking one another wherever they could.
Asa eventually dropped beside him with a small laugh and Anthony turned his head to beam at him.
“Wow.”
“Good?”
Anthony scoffed playfully. “Only the best I’ve ever had.”
“Oh, hush.” Asa laughed, giving him a gentle shove. “Let me get you cleaned up.”
Asa sorted them, cleaning them gently with a wash cloth before settling back into bed, his head on Anthony’s chest who had an arm wrapped around him and was slowly starting to doze off.
“Anthony...” he whispered in to the darkness.
“Mhm?”
“I think it will be very easy to fall in love with you too.”
Anthony squeezed him and decide he didn’t need the chaos anymore, not when he had this calm.