Chapter Text
Ash didn’t know when it began. In reality he did know. It was after he saw him back from being captured. The way he felt his eyes immediately latch onto Juan's bruises, purple and swollen marks littered across his skin where it was visible. The small crumble in his own voice as he softly asked what they had done to him. How he winced as he stepped back, the tremble in his voice as he yelled at the camera man towering over him, inching itself closer and closer. Ash immediately stepped in, removing blocks, shoving the federation worker away from the other’s presence. He could feel how his heart rate arose, the slight ring in his ears from his own disdain for the white bear coming into fruition as he looked back at Juan. Juan stood there looking at how the crowd of people started to fill into his room. Ash still held his focus on Juan, following him every time he moved, listening as he heard that the federation tortured him. His arms crossed across his chest tightened as his fingers gripped onto his own forearms with hatred.
He couldn’t take it, he needed to calm down or else he was going to lash out. His feet dragged him outside of the mansion, now pacing up and down on the staircase. His lips trembled as he spoke to himself, rambling on about how he noticed every single bruise. How they tore him apart physically but he greeted everyone still with a smile, his heart ached at the realization of how Juan was handling all of this. Though he couldn’t forget how he looked as if he were on the verge of tears when the cameraman was bothering him in his own room. He needed to go back up, what if that damn white bear came back? What if there weren't enough people to protect Juan? His legs reacted on their own, rushing back up the many stairs of the North, rushing his way back into the room. He stayed in that room, listened, attentive to every single word Juan uttered, his eyes following every nervous and timid movement he did.
His own throat felt dry as he asked the fellow for a moment of his time to ask a question. His heartrate rose a tad bit as he followed behind to the balcony of his room. Was it appropriate to ask him about this? Was it selfish of him to ask about how he felt about Aldo sacrificing himself because of Ghosty? It didn’t help that everyone else didn’t leave, he could feel their eyes on them from inside.
He cleared his throat finally asking him, “You are out…because Aldo sacrificed himself..”, he held himself back for a moment, “You don’t feel bad?” His eyes searched for any bad reaction that Juan would give him.
“Yea I feel bad…obviously, but when I was in this place I was thinking that all the regime maybe at the first step will get mad but later will…all understand.”
“I-I immediately wanted to rescue you.” He could see how Juan was taken back a bit from his comment, as they continued on expressing everything that seemed to be going on. Ash reassured the man, reassuring him that the regime or rather he would do everything to help them find Aldo. He knew how important family was to Juan, well unlike him.
This was what was keeping him up right now staring at the quartz ceiling. Or perhaps it was the fact that he felt like everything was unraveling inside of him at once. His hand dragged over his face, staring blankly up at the pale quartz while the machinery close by hummed somewhere below. Usually the noise would have soothed him but with Tubbo gone–or missing, it seemed like it further proved to be crumbling down. It made his chest feel tighter.
Everytime he tried to close his eyes to sleep all he saw was Juan flinching. It wasn’t even just the bruises anymore. Not the swollen marks around his face or the exhaustion hanging beneath his eyes. It was the way Juan had looked at the cameraman, as if he were cornered, waiting for something worse to happen. He swallowed harshly, why did it bother him so much?
It wasn’t like people didn’t get hurt all the time. Ash knew that, considering he has caused more pain than he cared to count. He knew how to compartmentalize it, how to shove his emotions into neat little boxes and lock them away where they couldn’t interfere with what needed to be done. But Juan made it difficult, because he still smiled. Even after torture, even after being dragged away cluelessly from everyone he loved. Still worrying and holding out hope for Aldo’s return after he had sacrificed himself for him.
He still decided to smile.
Ash turned onto his side with a frustrated groan, his fingers tangling into his own hair, it seemed like sleep was impossible. Every thought he was having circled back to Juan. To the way his expression softened and held such hope when Ash had promised to him that they would find Aldo. To the surprise in his face when Ash admitted he had wanted to rescue him immediately, God. Ash squeezed his eyes shut tightly, groaning once more. This was the problem, wasn’t it? He cared too much, far too much. For someone he was supposed to simply tolerate for the sake of “peace”. Juan wasn’t meant to wedge himself beneath Ash’s skin like this, he wasn’t supposed to occupy every thought until Ash felt physically ill with worry. And yet, the thought of Juan getting hurt again made something vicious curl in his stomach.
It was like a surge of panic came over him, as if his legs were moving on their own. He just needed to check, just once, just to make sure. The hall of the pantheon blurred together as Ash hurried down. His breathing had turned uneven now, fingers trembling slightly as he pulled out his warp-stone to warp to the North. He hated this feeling, hated how little control he suddenly had over himself. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d panicked over anyone like this.
It seemed like his thoughts kept growing louder and louder. What if he’s hurt? What if he’s hiding it? What if nobody’s protecting him right now? Ash practically climbed the mountain, muttering his own thoughts as he climbed onto the open balcony. He immediately stepped inside quickly, eyes darting around the room with worry.
“Juan?”
There was no response. The room was dimly lit by the glow of his lamps, quiet except for the soft voice of the TV on. His pulse only climbed higher, the ringing in his ear began, his throat felt itself closing as his mind began to bring up the worst scenario.
“Juan?” he called again, louder, a crack in his voice filled with worry and desperation.
Then he heard movement. Ash turned sharply towards the bed just in time to see a mess of curls rise from beneath the tangled blankets. Juan blinked at him, still half asleep, confusion immediately washing over his face.
“What the fuck..? Ash?”
The panic inside of Ash screeched to a halt so abruptly it made him feel dizzy. Juan was fine. He was alive. He was safe, not hurt, not bleeding…just tired. Ash stood there silently in the middle of the room trying to catch his breath while Juan pushed himself upright further, concern slowly replacing his confusion.
“Did something happen?” Juan asked quietly.
Ash opened his mouth, but nothing came out. It was mostly because now that he was standing here, staring at someone who had very obviously been sleeping peacefully moments ago, he realized how utterly insane he must’ve looked. Not only that, he was considered an “enemy” to the North and had practically just broke into their base. His chest reminded him of how hard his heart was beating from the strain he felt. Juan’s eyes scanned over him carefully now, taking in the uneven breathing, trembling hands, the panic Ash clearly hadn’t managed to hide well enough.
“Hey…” Juan said softer this time. “Are you okay?”
Ash had looked away immediately, his jaw tightening as he clenched his teeth. He didn’t like how he was presenting himself in front of Juan. Usually he was so…uptight, composed but, but now he looked like a mess. He looked like he was about to break down.
“I thought something happened to you.”
The confession slipped out of his mouth almost naturally, he couldn’t stop it. There was a silence that filled the room for a moment. Then Juan’s expression softened into something unbearably gentle, almost finding it…endearing.
“I’m okay,” he reassured quietly.
“I know, I know but- I thought–” Ash swallowed hard, trying to steady his breathing, his eyes shifting to look at the ceiling, he was frustrated with himself.
“Ash,” he said gently, “I’m okay.”
The words should have settled him immediately, they should’ve flipped some switch in his brain and made him relax. Instead Ash felt embarrassment crawl up his spine alongside the lingering fear.
“You just– You had that look…” he muttered weakly, “I don’t know-”
“But I'm fine now.”
“I know that.”
Juan blinked at him before a small, tired smile tugged at his face. The sight of him nearly made Ash’s knees weak with relief, he hated this. Hated how deeply this affected him, as if it should matter.
Juan shifted slightly on the bed, concern still lingering in his expression now. “You look like you saw a ghost, or rather yet a federation worker.”
Ash let out a breathless laugh that sounded more exhausted than amused.
“Yea,” he murmured quietly, “Something like that.”
For a moment neither of them spoke. It was the comforting silence that seemed to halt the both of them, as if they had something to say or something they wanted to do. Then Juan broke the ice, he carefully lifted the blanket beside him, a silent invitation.
Ash stared.
“You’re panicking,” Juan murmured, “Come sit down before you pass out on my floor.”
Ash should’ve refused, he should’ve. Instead he crossed the room immediately, almost like if it were a second instinct. He didn’t sit too close though, keeping his space on the edge of the bed as Juan shuffled beneath the blanket again. The mattress dipped slightly from the added weight.
For a while neither of them spoke.
Ash leaned forward, his elbows resting against his knees while he tried to steady his breathing. He could still feel adrenaline clawing beneath his skin, though now embarrassment mixed into it horribly. He had practically sprinted across the map because he was hallucinating that Juan got hurt. It was ridiculous.
“You climbed all the way up here in the middle of the night,” Juan finally broke the silence, his voice was still rough with sleep, “Just because you thought I might be hurt?”
Ash stayed quiet, that alone was enough of an answer. Juan watched him carefully now, his expression was confused but also grateful for the concern. Ash on the other hand could feel it, or at least thought he could feel the concern in his gaze, the patience. It made something twist painfully in his chest.
“I couldn’t stop thinking about it,” he admitted after a long silence. “The bruises, the way you looked,” His jaw tightened again,” That cameraman getting in your face”
Juan lowered his eyes slightly, his expression now twisted as if he were remembering the events of earlier today.
Ash rubbed a hand over his face with a frustrated exhale, “I kept thinking what if someone had come back? What if you were alone and–” He cut himself off sharply, shaking his head, “I don’t know.”
The room fell quiet again except for the dim noise of the neighboring rooms snores. Ash felt the bed shift, making him look up instinctively, Juan had moved closer. It wasn’t by much, just enough that Ash could feel the warmth of his body beside him now instead of a cold empty space.
“You know,” Juan murmured carefully, “You don’t have to carry everything by yourself”
Ash let out a quiet, humorless scoff at the sentence.
“You have no idea who you’re talking to”
“I think I do”
It caught him off guard, Ash finally looked at him properly then. Juan still looked exhausted, bruised and healing, clearly still worn down from everything he had endured. Yet despite that, he was looking at Ash like he was worth worrying over. His throat tightened unexpectedly, a twinge of heat rising to his ears.
“I scared you that badly?” Juan asked quietly.
Ash hesitated to answer, then, reluctantly, he nodded once slowly. Juan’s expression had gone back to a soft one, almost aching.
“Ash..”
“I hate this,” Ash confessed under his breath. “I hate not knowing if you’re okay.” His fingers curled tightly against his own palms, “I hate that I keep thinking about it.”
Juan stared at him for a moment before speaking again, voice barely above a whisper.
“So you care about me”
Juan didn’t phrase it like a question and, somehow, that made it infinitely worse. Ash could feel his heartbeat stutter violently in his chest as silence swallowed the room whole. His throat went dry again. The words hung between them heavily, possibly, like speaking them aloud had suddenly made everything…real. A simple sentence, one that could be said to anyone, ‘you care about me’ Ash looked away first, the thin walls filling the silence he suddenly couldn’t bear. He could feel Juan watching him patiently, not pushing, not demanding an answer, which somehow only made the tightness in Ash's chest worse. He did care, far more than he was supposed to.
“I don’t..” Ash started weakly before stopping himself, lying suddenly felt pointless, exhausting, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me”
Juan’s brows pinched slightly at that
“There’s nothing wrong with you.”
Ash laughed quietly under his breath, though there wasn’t any amusement in it. “I nearly had a panic attack because you were asleep and I– I was hallucinating or making shit scenarios about you being hurt.”
“You were worried”
“I was being irrational”
Juan tilted his head slightly, “Those aren’t very different”
Ash scrubbed both hands down his face slowly. He could still feel the remnants of adrenaline lingering beneath his skin, although it had settled into something shaky and raw instead of frantic.
“I’m not used to this,” he admitted quietly. “Usually I can control myself.”
Juan stayed quiet, listening, letting him speak his mind, it seemed even if he did butt in he wouldn’t stop.
Ash stared at the wooden floor. “But– even before seeing what they did to you…” His jaw clenched tightly. “I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Every time I closed my eyes I kept imagining something happening again.” He swallowed harshly, his hands now balled into fists, feeling how his nails dug into the palms of his hands.
“And I hated that you looked so scared.” Juan went still, Ash didn’t notice at first, he was still too caught inside his own world.
“You still smiled at everyone after all of that,” Ash continued softly, almost frustrated now. “You acted like you were okay when you clearly weren’t” His fingers now curled against his knees. “And for some reason that just-” He stopped himself abruptly, ‘For some reason that just destroyed me’, the words stayed trapped in his throat. Juan looked down quietly for a moment before speaking.
“When I was there,” he murmured, “I thought maybe people would eventually…give up. You know. Stop caring?”
Ash looked back up to Juan, his brows furrowed together with an expression of confusion.
Juan gave a small shrug, though it looked more sad than casual. “I mean…it happens sometimes, no? People move on.”
Ash stared at him as if he had just insulted him, “Juan,” he said immediately, voice low and firm, “ I don’t think you understand.”
Juan blinked, confused if he had said something wrong.
Ash leaned forward slightly before he could stop himself, eyes locked onto him.
“The second I found out you were gone, I wanted to tear the Federation apart.”
The confession slipped out raw, honest, it wasn’t a lie. Juan’s breath caught faintly. Ash could feel his own heartbeat pounding in again, but it wasn’t any feeling of panic, it was something frighteningly vulnerable.
“I couldn’t stand the thought of you being there,” he professed, “The fact my own broth-people betrayed me…didn’t trust me.” his expression tightened painfully, “I would’ve traveled -20k to +20k, I would’ve stayed up for 5 days straight looking for you.” he confessed, “And when you came back…seeing those bruises made me feel sick.”
Juan stared at him silently. Ash had finally realized how close they had drifted towards one another during the conversation. Close enough that he could see the exhaustion lingering in Juan’s eye, to notice the slight hitch in his breathing. It was close enough for Ash to suddenly become very aware of himself. Immediately leaning back a little, tension snapping through him again.
“Sorry,” he muttered quickly. “I’m– this is probably a lot.”
Juan shook his head almost instantly.
“No,” he said softly, “No, it’s not.”
Ash looked at him with uncertainty, then Juan smiled. It wasn't grand, no, rather it was a small, tired, and gentle smile. Somehow with that expression alone, it had unraveled the remaining tension in Ash’s chest far more effectively than any reassurance could have.
“You know,” Juan softly chuckled, “I think this is the first time someone’s worried about me this much.”
Ash had stared at him for a second as if he had misheard the other.
“What?”
Juan’s smile faltered slightly at the edges, turning quieter. “Not like this,” he clarified. “Not enough to run across the map in the middle of the night because they thought something bad happened.”
Ash’s chest tightened painfully once more. The thought of nobody caring for Juan that deeply before made something bitter twist inside him. He didn’t like it. He didn't like it at all.
“That’s insane,” Ash muttered, “Especially after Aldo sacrificed himself for you Juan. You have the whole North–not even a bunch of people outside of the North care about you”
Juan let out a small laugh through his nose, “Maybe it’s a little exaggerated.”
“No,” Ash said more firmly this time, his brows pulling together. “I mean the fact you don’t believe nobody’s done that for you before”
The words slipped out with more emotion than he intended. Juan had gone quiet. Ash immediately looked away again, his teeth clenching as he realized how openly upset he sounded. He wasn’t supposed to sound like this, to feel this much over one person sitting beside him. Though every time he looked at Juan, his disheveled appearance and soft smile despite everything, it made something in him unravel further. Juan had shifted slightly besides him, the blanket rustling softly.
“You really got that scared?” he asked after a moment. Ash exhaled slowly through his nose. “I thought that or well I had in my mind that something happened.”
“Oh.” Juan glanced toward the balcony entrance, “I should really get doors for my balcony.”
Ash laughed under his breath, exhaustion now catching up to him, “Yeah, literally now you can see how anyone can come into your room.”
Juan looked at him with a toothy smile now, noticing how Ash had relaxed more considering he was joking with him.
Although Ash rubbed at his temple tiredly, “This is my own problem though…I shouldn’t have come here like this.”
“I don’t think caring about someone is a problem.”
Ash’s stomach flipped unpleasantly at how gently he said it. Juan said it so simply, like if it wasn’t terrifying, as if it weren’t tearing Ash apart to realize just how attached he’d become. The wind brushed softly against the mountainside, the regime could still be seen from afar, at least the spinning R. Everything up here felt strangely isolated from the rest of the world. Ash could feel himself calming down now. Not completely, but enough that his spiraling fit had finally stopped. Sitting besides Juan, listening to his sleepy voice in the dim lantern light, Ash had realized something that frightened him even more than the panic he had. This was the calmest he’d felt all night. Juan suddenly yawned quietly beside him, immediately trying to hide behind his hand.
“You’re exhausted.” Ash snorted softly despite being just as tired.
“A little”
“You should sleep”
Juan hummed vaguely but didn’t move to lie back down. Instead he now looked at Ash, a long stare before speaking again.
“You know you can stay…right?”
Juan’s expression stayed patient as he awaited a response from the latter. Something warm and aching spread through Ash’s chest so suddenly it almost hurt. He should leave, he knew that he should, but his tongue didn’t obey him.
Instead he heard himself ask quietly, “You sure?”
Juan nodded slowly, “Yeah,” he murmured. “I’m sure.”
“Okay.”
The word came out quieter than he intended to. Juan shifted back against the headboard slightly, pulling the blanket tighter around himself while Ash remained seated near the edge of the bed. The distance between them was still there, it didn’t feel sharp or awkward, just careful. Ash exhaled slowly, finally feeling his heartbeat settle into something…managable. For the first time he didn’t feel like he was seconds away from exploding. Juan had glanced over at him through half-lidded eyes.
“Better?”
“A little.”
“You still look like you’ll start pacing back and forth in my room”
He let out another tired laugh, “You make it sound like I look horrible.”
“You do look horrible.”
Ash looked over at him in offense. Juan smiled faintly, clearly now amused despite how tired he was.
“There,” he murmured. “That’s better”
Ash shocked his head softly, but he could feel some of the tension easing from his shoulders now. Silence settled between them again, though this time there was no heft to it. The cold wind brushed faintly against the open balcony, Ash noticed Juan shiver. Ash stood up, without thinking much of it, he crossed the room looking for spare blankets. When he turned back around, Juan was watching him again, and suddenly Ash felt strangely aware of himself.
“You’re staring”
“You climbed into my room in the middle of the night. I think I'm allowed to stare at the intruder.”
Ash huffed out a small laugh, Juan smiled again at the sound. God was his smile becoming dangerous. Ash sat back down near the edge of the bed, although closer this time than before. Close enough that he could feel when Juan shifted beneath the blankets. Neither of them moved away, the room grew quieter after that. Juan’s sleepiness was becoming obvious now, his eyes drifting shut between small sentences. His head dipped slightly before he caught himself again. Ash noticed every single time.
“You’re falling asleep sitting up,” Ash pointed out.
“I am not, I'm simply keeping you company like a great host I am.”
“You literally are Juan.”
Juan muttered something incoherent beneath his breath, making Ash snort quietly. Then Juan shifted again, carefully tugging part of the blanket towards Ash’s side of the bed, an invitation. Ash blinked, shocked or rather flustered.
Juan now looked embarrassed after doing it. “You don’t have to,” he mumbled quickly, “You just look tired too.” Ash stared at the blanket for a second longer than necessary. He should not, he should absolutely say no, but it seems like his brain always refutes him.
“You sure?”
Juan nodded once against the pillow now. Ash exhaled slowly before finally giving in, moving carefully beneath the blankets beside him. He stayed stiff, careful, leaving space between them despite the shared warmth now surrounding them both. The exhaustion was finally starting to settle into his bones too, dragging heavily at his limbs after the adrenaline crash. The room had gone almost completely quiet by then, the occasional soft whistle of mountain wind in their ears. Sleep hung heavily in the air between them now, dulling the sharp edges of worry into something softer, calmer.
Ash lay awake for a while longer staring at the ceiling, feeling the fatigue in his body settle deeper. Beside him, Juan’s breathing had begun to even out, slow and steady as sleep gradually pulled him under. It was almost like a lullaby for Ash. Then Ash felt it, something warm brushing lightly against his arm, it was subtle, almost like it wasn’t there. Juan had shifted closer in his sleep, not deliberately enough to feel like it was on purpose, to demand anything from him. It was just an instinctive movement born from exhaustion and lingering comfort. At least, that’s what Ash wants to believe.
The painful feeling of his chest tightening, his eyes slowly shifting from the ceiling to Juan. He looked peaceful. His hair was messy against the pillow, a softened expression now that sleep had finally fallen over him. Without any fear, forced smiles, exhaustion he tried so hard to hide, he looked unbearably…gentle. Ash hesitated, only briefly, before moving closer himself, carefully reaching over and pulling Juan towards him. Juan seemed to melt into the warmth immediately, too tired to question it, his body naturally curling closer until one of his arms rested loosely around Ash’s waist. Ash’s breath hitched faintly before instinct took over, one arm wrapped securely around Juan's shoulders and holding him against his chest.
The closeness felt natural, scarily natural, as if something he’d been reached for all night without realizing it. Ash rested his head lightly against Juan’s head, eyes finally slipping shut as the last remnants of panic unraveled inside of him. Safe, Juan was safe, and somehow, wrapped around each other beneath the heavy blankets.
Ash was safe too.