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People knew that Lars struggled with touch. It was no secret; the entire town knew about his problem. Because of that, people looked past the fact that Driver also struggled with touch. It probably didn’t help that he was newer to town – people didn’t know his backstory, they didn’t even know his past name, though that was something even Driver distanced himself from. For the most part, he kept to himself. With his line of work it was easy to ignore the touch of others.
He learned a few things from Lars as well – the importance of layers, how his gloves could be used for more than just driving, and how to sidestep someone that went in for a handshake or hug without making it too obvious.
Though Driver thought it was obvious, that there was little more he and Lars could really learn about how one another functioned, there came times when he realized they didn’t know as much as they thought they did.
Lars had grown more accustomed to touch – as long as it was coming from Driver, but there were times when Driver couldn’t handle it. Tonight was one of those times. They’d put on some movie that Driver had never seen before, and in all honesty he wasn’t really paying that much attention to it, a random drama. For a moment, Driver thought everything was fine. There was a good four inches between he and Lars, like there often was. He imagined breaching that, but the image made his skin tingle in a way that wasn’t entirely pleasant.
So he kept his hands to himself.
The film continued, jazz music swirling in the air, and Driver’s eyes slipped closed for half a second. It was in that brief moment when Lars’ hand slipped towards him. Driver didn’t realize what was happening until his leg felt like it was on fire.
He flinched back, hard, practically slamming his side into the arm of the couch. Driver’s eyes shot open, and his fists raised. His body prepared for a fight that would never come.
Lars raised his hands in surrender. “It’s just me, Casey.”
Driver didn’t move, but the panic in his chest subsided – only by a little bit, but that was better than nothing. Any words that he would have said died in his mouth, his brain unable to connect with his lips. This happened sometimes, more with him than with Lars. It just became impossible to speak, completely impossible.
Lars slowly lowered his hands. “Do you want me to leave for a moment, make things quiet?” Quiet sounded very good at the moment, but being alone didn’t. Driver wanted to say that, but he couldn’t thanks to whatever was going on in his head. He looked down at his lap and tried to figure out how to communicate that.
Lars let out a long sigh. “Alright. I’ll ask one question at a time and you just have to nod. Okay?”
Driver took a moment, then gave a short nod.
“Do you want me to leave?” Lars’ voice was steady, far steadier than Driver felt.
He mulled over the question – the positive and negatives of it all. Lars leaving didn’t feel right, to be alone again, after being alone for so long, made Driver sick to his stomach. He inched back a little further, as far as the couch would allow him. If there was space between them it would be easier. That way Driver wouldn’t be alone but he wouldn’t be touching Lars either.
Driver shook his head.
“Okay.” Lars nodded to himself. He tugged his fingers. “I could turn off the TV?” The movie was still playing, the jazz still heavy. Driver nodded. The quiet would make things easier to process.
Lars didn’t ask anymore questions, just flicked off the TV before shuffling up against the opposite end of the couch.
Wisconsin was quieter than LA had been. It didn’t matter if Driver was out in the middle of the day or the latest hours of the night, the city was loud. For a while, he thought he was comfortable with that. The noise was so overbearing that Driver basically forced himself to get used to it. Then he came to Wisconsin, found himself by Lars’ side, and he learned that life didn’t need to be loud all the time. Lars liked the quiet, and soon enough Driver learned he did as well.
The quiet which settled over them was a comforting weight, not an unnerving weight that felt like rocks upon his shoulders. Driver felt his eyes drift closed, not in a way like he was going to sleep, just a way to rest of his eyes and block out another one of his senses. He took a few breaths. The burning on his leg subsided.
The only sounds Driver could make out was the beat of his own heart and the rhythmic breath coming from Lars. He wasn’t alone; Lars wasn’t leaving – he wasn’t going to hurt Driver either. Between the two of them Driver had been the one to actually hurt people, well, he hadn’t just hurt people. Driver killed before, several times. Lars couldn’t hurt him.
It took a few more breaths before he felt alright enough to open his eyes. Slowly, his eyelids rose, millimeter by millimeter. The room was still rather dim which made it easier to stomach actually opening his eyes. Lars was the first thing he saw, and that brought warmth to Driver’s chest. The man smiled at him, slightly sad, definitely worried. Driver hated knowing that someone pitied him, but when it came from Lars it didn’t quite feel like pity.
He crossed his arms over his chest, and that was when he realized he didn’t have his gloves on. Driver looked down at his hands, fists clenching and unclenching.
“I’ll go get your gloves.” Lars’ voice was soft as he gently rose from the couch.
Driver’s flashed in fear for a split second.
“I can keep talking, that way you know I’m still here.”
No more words needed to be exchanged for them to understand each other. Lars began to ramble about something that happened at work with Margo. It was another small comfort, maybe not so small after the time he’d just had. Driver leaned against the back of the couch, his body falling into the plush surface. It was going to be okay.
***
Lars took him to the lake one evening. It was nice to get away from everyone for a while, really get away. Not from Lars though, never from him. Driver couldn’t imagine a world where he did that. Not anymore.
There was a breeze drifting through the trees as they sat on the worn wood of the old treehouse. Driver hung his legs over the edge as Lars leaned against the tree. There was a good foot of space between them. This wasn’t like last time though, when the distance was soothing; instead, Driver itched to be closer.
“Lars?”
“Yes, Casey?”
God, he really needed to get used to hearing that name. He couldn’t keep blushing every single time Lars used it. “Is today an okay day?”
Lars paused for a moment, shifting in his spot. Driver didn’t turn to check, rather he knew from the sound of the wood creaking. Then there was a long groan from the planks as Lars scooted forward. “It’s an okay day for me.” He leaned forward, still leaving a little bit of space. “Is it an okay day for you?”
Driver inched his hand closer to Lars’. “Yes.” It was more than an okay day. This was the kind of day where he didn’t need his gloves, where he keep wrap himself around Lars, or vice versa, and not feel as though he was going to burn himself alive. Driver craved touch at the moment. He turned his body to finally face Lars now that he wasn’t going to face outright rejection.
Lars was smiling, as he often was. The corners of his eyes crinkled – his cheeks a little red from the wind. “Come here, sweetheart.”
Now, Driver was melting for a completely different reason. Lars loved petnames; he dished them out as easy as breathing. Driver was still trying to catch up, but Lars didn’t try to push him. They were careful with one another, not completely cautious, but aware of one another’s boundaries more so than others had been to them in the past. At least that’s how it was with Driver, he could only assume when it came to Lars.
He sighed and practically climbed into Lars’ arms. Driver let out a long sigh as he felt Lars cling to him. Their bodies were flush against each other, but of course there were several layers between them. Sometimes, in the back of his mind, Driver wondered what this would be like if there weren’t so many layers, if they were both more comfortable with each other. Seeing how long it took them to get to this stage though, Driver wasn’t going to push anything. What they had right now was perfect; he would take everything that Lars gave.
Driver pressed his cheek against Lars’ shoulder, breathing in the man’s scent. Part of him wished he could get even closer to Lars, that he could live under the man’s skin. Maybe that was a horrific thought to have, but Driver didn’t stop himself from thinking it. Lars had quickly become everything for him.
Lars rubbed a hand in small circles on Driver’s back as his other gripped the man’s hip. “That’s it, Casey.” The man’s voice curled inside Driver’s brain, bringing him to a place where Driver could truly relax. “Thank you for doing this.”
Driver lifted his head, a slight confused look on his face. “You shouldn’t thank me.”
“I want to.” Lars pulled him a little closer, as if there was really any space between them at the moment. “You’re letting me hold you, staying with me, what’s not to thank?”
“I’m too much.” That was something Driver could remember being told all the way back in childhood. Now that wasn’t a time he liked to return to. He’d rather forget all about those years, throw them as far as he possibly could, but it was impossible to actually do that. Driver was forced to remember his parents, then foster parents, random adults, all of them who’d said he was too much.
Lars squeezed Driver a bit tighter. “No,” his voice was stern. “No you’re not too much, not to me.”
“You shouldn’t have to take care of me.” Driver couldn’t help but fight back a little, even though he knew Lars wasn’t going to fold. Lars could be truly stubborn if he wanted to be.
“You take care of me, is that so wrong?” Lars went and flipped the question.
Damn.
Driver kneaded the fabric of Lars’ sweater, his fingers spanning across the other’s back. “It’s not wrong to take care of you.” It would never be wrong. He took pride and enjoyment getting to take care of Lars. Making sure Lars was happy was a beautiful thing.
“Then you know how I feel about you.” Lars pressed his lips to Driver’s temple. That wasn’t something that happened too often, so Driver made sure to savor every kiss like it was going to be their last. Perhaps that wasn’t the best way to think about it, but Driver couldn’t totally shake the thought process. Lars raised his hand from Driver’s back and threaded his fingers through the other’s hair, not too rough, always making sure to avoid tugging. “You’ll never be too much for me.”
Driver grinned against Lars’ chest. The steady thump of Lars’ heartbeat made his entire mood shift, almost lulling him into a trance. “Thank you.” His voice cracked a little as he said it; he couldn’t hide it. Joy flooded his veins.
“I’ll always be here, Casey.” Lars sounded a little tearyeyed as he spoke. “As long as you want to stay, I’ll be here.”
“As long as you’ll have me.” In a world where Driver believed he’d never have a home, Lars had gone and carved one out for him.