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Joss learnt from an early age how to deal with things. He knew when to be calm, when to stand his ground. Knew how to speak so people would listen. Knew when to step back, when to try harder. He was good at this game — reading people, knowing what they wanted from him, what to expect and what to avoid. Knew, too, that one lesson went missing during his years: resting.
He’d heard about it once or twice from his friends — how they would take a day off to recharge, to clear their mind. Joss never really understood, since he’d always had things sorted for himself and always felt pretty good about trying everything all at once. But time carried a debt with his name, and right at the end of his twenties, Joss felt the overwhelming urge to slow down for once.
It was always easier when he wasn’t alone. There was a touch of salvation in the way his eyes always seemed to lock with Gawin’s whenever they were together, a collision of their own — the despair and the relief of the end of the world, two souls and a wreckage. And what a weird thing it was, feeling safe inside a pair of eyes, finding relief in the corner of Gawin’s mouth.
But Joss was alone now, and stuck in traffic after spending the entire day working—having meetings, practising for his next concert, discussing his new series, having people touching him, making him do this and that. At some point, Joss wondered how human people thought he was. Wondered how much of himself he was supposed to give to make people see him as something real—flesh and blood and feelings and all. Wondered if Gawin ever thought of him as anything other than just human.
Beautiful, cheeky, lovely Gawin. Joss thought of him smiling, singing sweet things to him, loving him in the space where nothing and everything became one. Thought of how often Gawin would just sit and listen while Joss rambled and rambled about his every thought, every doubt, every certainty. He would hum his encouragement when Joss would get a little shy, a little insecure about the depths of his own thoughts. In the end, he would smile, press a finger in the place his jaw met his neck, and whisper, soft and sweet, with his mouth on Joss’s mouth: “What a mind.”
He thought, aching to his bones, about opening the door to his apartment and hearing gentle strums, soft hums to whatever song his lover had decided to play while Joss wasn’t home to talk his ear off. Hoped, more than anything, to touch the dip of Gawin’s waist before ten.
On a red light, he fished his phone from the passenger seat and opened his chat with Gawin.
9:32 p.m.
my love
will take me a while to get home
9:32 p.m.
okay baby
waiting for you
9:33 p.m.
i deserve such a huge burger
would you order that for me, yes or no
9:33 p.m.
anything for you
i'll even hold you when you cry about calories and regret later
9:34 p.m.
my hero
such a big heart
9:34 p.m.
you know me
come to me soon, baby
9:34 p.m.
always for you
When Joss opened his door, he was hit by the smell of garlic and meat. He found Gawin in the kitchen, wearing Joss’s blue sweatshirt and the apron he claimed to hate more than once. Humming. Always humming, always singing his heart out wherever he went.
Joss leant on the kitchen counter, trying to ease the lump on his throat, the tightness of his heart against his chest. A soft sigh left him before he could stop, every corner of his body throbbing with exhaustion. But Gawin was right there in the safety of their home, beautiful and sweet, and Joss had to breathe for a minute to adjust to finally being able to just exist.
“Love,” he said eventually, his voice raspy with his feelings. Gawin didn’t startle as Joss was expecting. And how silly of him to think Gawin would ever not notice him in a room. He said again, softly, “Hi, love.”
Gawin was still humming when he turned off the oven, when he turned to Joss and leant on the counter in front of him. He was smiling a soft thing, makeup-free and kissed by the stars in every corner of his pretty face. Joss wondered, searching for every place he liked to press his lips on, how much was too much in love. Wondered, reaching out to trace the bridge of Gawin’s nose with the tip of his finger, when was the last time he thought he would die from how much he loved someone.
“Hello,” Gawin said to him, scrunching his nose when Joss pressed the tip of it. He held Joss by the wrist, kissed his palm and the knots of his fingers. Made Joss touch his hair and his neck like that. Said, “Welcome home, baby.”
Joss might’ve let out a devastated little sound, but he wasn’t so sure. But he was tired, and his heart was right there in front of him, and he could never fight the lure, the pull of them. Gawin was waiting for him with open arms. He expected Joss’s nose burying on his neck, expected the hand on his hair, another under his sweatshirt. Hummed his approval with his lips on Joss’s jaw, his nose on the line of his hair.
Joss melted on him. Wished he could fuse himself to Gawin just this once, just so he could hide his fears and his doubts in the corner of Gawin’s bones. He heaved a sigh, kissed Gawin’s neck and the place under his ear that always made him shiver. Touched his hip, his waist. Rested a hand on the small of his back, trying to pull him closer.
Gawin laughed on his cheek, kissed Joss’s dimple, bit it lightly. Said, “We’re as close as we can get,” and laughed at Joss’s grumble, touched his nose to the corner of Joss’s mouth, searching for him, asking just with his skin. Said, “My poor bear,” because he was a little shit, and kissed Joss on the mouth in apology. Said with his mouth on Joss’s bottom lip, “Are you very tired?”
“Yeah,” Joss whispered, leaning in, trying to kiss Gawin again. Desperately needing to kiss Gawin for hours until he felt like a person again. But Gawin, evil tempter he was, dodged his attempt with a small laugh, with a tilt of his head. Joss groaned, saying, “Why?”
“Go shower, love,” Gawin said, combing his fingers through Joss’ hair. Said, “We’ll eat, and then you can tell me all about your thoughts.”
Joss breathed a laugh, and Gawin kissed the sound from his lips before letting him go. Joss spent a long time in the shower, trying to wash away the weight of the day with the smell of Gawin’s shampoo. Later, wearing the sweatpants that belonged with the sweatshirt Gawin had stolen from him, they ate Gawin’s homemade burgers to the sound of an indie band they’ve been obsessed with lately. Joss washed the dishes while Gawin played a soft tune on the balcony, and for the first time that day, Joss felt that his life was his again.
Joss leant on the door when he was finished and watched his boyfriend strumming, singing sweet things, lyrics he’d very carefully chosen for a playlist he called “for the fool that i love.” And Gawin, the dork, sang to him with this beautiful grin, pointing at him every time he sang the word love, touching Joss’s leg with his feet while singing about running away, about getting married. Joss thought, smiling like the fool he was, he would give up everything if he had to, just so he could come back home to Gawin. Just so he could lean on his balcony door and watch the love of his life playing songs from bands Joss would never remember the names of, just to say I love you in the way he knew how.
“You’re an idiot,” Joss said to him, fondness dripping from his every word. “Come to bed?”
Gawin hummed, kissed Joss’ cheek on his way to put away his guitar. Joss waited for him, sitting on their bed, just so he could pull Gawin closer by the waist, just so he could bury his face on the softness of his belly. Gawin’s fingers found their way into his hair, to the back of his neck.
“Look at me, J,” Gawin asked, pressing thumbs under Joss’s jaw, making him look up. He leant down to kiss Joss’ forehead, his temple and his cheek. He said with his mouth on the corner of Joss’s lips, “You’re home, love. You’re alright.”
“Yeah,” Joss said, touching the back of Gawin’s thighs, pulling, making him sit on his lap. Gawin laughed on his temple, made Joss raise his head with a finger under his chin. “My love,” Joss whispered, rubbing their noses together. Said, “It’s just— everyone’s up to something, all the time, and I wonder— don’t you, love, ever wonder if you— if we’re doing enough?”
Gawin nodded slowly, his nose rubbing on Joss’ nose during it. He said, “I do,” and brushed his thumb under Joss’s eye. Said, “Don’t we all, baby?” laughing, because he always got a little awkward when he had to talk about his struggles. Said, “But you’re here, and we’re doing our best, and you’re just as human as I am. You’re fine, love. You don’t have to be anything here.”
Joss hummed, watching his thumb on Gawin’s bottom lip, wondering if Gawin could taste his love when he imprinted his digit on his skin. It was nice having no armour for once, being able to just sit and admit he was too soft for all the push and shoving, that he was tired of the demanding, of having to watch his every step. Outside, everyone wanted something. But not Gawin, never Gawin. All that he ever wanted from Joss was… nothing. Just him, as he was. Just their late-night conversations interrupted by Joss’s snores, and their kisses in the dark, and his ugly duck socks on cold nights.
Joss said, overwhelmed by being able to finally recede in Gawin’s quiet ocean, “Okay,” and pulled Gawin closer, kissed him slow and sweet. Made Gawin open his mouth with the press of a thumb on his jaw, with a flicker of his tongue. He slid his hands underneath Gawin’s sweatshirt, touched warm skin with cold fingers. Gawin shivered, laughed in their kiss, pulled Joss by the hair with his lower lip between his teeth. Joss whispered, kissing Gawin again once, twice, “Thank you.”
Gawin pulled away just a little, just enough to look Joss in the eyes. He traced Joss’s cheekbones and his jaw, rubbed a thumb under his eyes. Kissed his eyelids with such tenderness Joss had to wait for a minute to open his eyes again. Gawin said to him, sliding his fingers through his hair, all fondness and love, “Sweet thing,” and frowned as if he thought of something too painful to bear. Said, “I know it’s not easy, yeah?” and sighed with his mouth on Joss’s mouth, saying, “Then let us be gentler with each other.”