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Taerae has spent the entire summer fighting the inevitable.
He used to think he could control his own fate. When he was a younger, more naive person, he believed that his life would figure itself out as long as he tried hard enough. As long as he put in as much effort as he could to chase the path he sought out—dreamed of, perhaps—, then everything he desired would become his.
Now, he’s older, and much more jaded. He's more realistic, and less idealistic. Less optimistic in a sense, too, but in a way that’s easy to hide. He’s known to be bright and honest, yet he doesn’t feel like much of either these days. He couldn’t even begin to describe how he feels, and that is part of the problem. Taerae is stuck, and he’s desperate for something to give.
The cruelest part of his situation is that something is about to change. Despite how hard he’s been trying to ignore what lingers on the horizon, Taerae isn’t delusional enough to believe that he can escape what is coming. He knows that he can’t. He’s given up trying to run, and that is part of why he feels so hopeless.
At the end of the summer, Matthew is going to leave. At the end of the summer, Taerae is going to be left alone. At the end of the summer, everything is going to change.
The summer is about to end in a few minutes. The sun is setting, and Taerae is watching the world descend into darkness with Matthew sitting by his side. He’s lost himself in a myriad of memories and emotions, unable to live within the moment as time passes by.
Taerae’s resentment feels unfair, and he realizes that it is. They live in the middle of nowhere, a dead-end for most yet someplace a lot like home for Taerae. He’s never wished to be anything greater than he is, in a place that is better than where he is. He’s happy enough existing through the ocean’s current of life, letting the world spin around him as he walks along the desolate beachside.
Once upon a time, Taerae had a lot of dreams. He used to describe himself as a dreamer. What he wants, what he desires, what he needs, most of those thoughts have been replaced with pictures and memories of Matthew in his mind. What he wants has turned into Matthew. What he needs has always been Matthew. What he knows he can’t have—will always be Matthew.
Perhaps that is why he should be welcoming this change. He will no longer be shackled to Matthew’s side, existing as nothing more than his shadow. Taerae has never felt any less than because of his devotion towards Matthew, but he wonders what type of person he will be without him.
Taerae knows nothing of happiness if it does not involve Matthew. He doesn’t know who or what he is, or who he may be, if he is not Matthew’s best friend. Sometimes, Taerae thinks they are connected in a way that is unhealthy. He doesn’t know where he ends and Matthew begins, as if there is any disconnect at all.
He used to believe their threads of fate were intertwined. It made sense, growing up side-by-side, experiencing every single first together. All of the most important milestones in Taerae’s life have passed with Matthew’s hand in his own, whether it be in a literal or metaphorical sense. Every single memory he has procured since they’ve met is stained with Matthew’s laughter, his smile, and his presence entirely.
Taerae feels haunted. Matthew hasn’t even left yet, and Taerae is already being followed with traces of what will happen when Matthew is gone. Ghosts tip-toe behind every single one of Taerae’s thoughts, imprinted memories of Matthew that blend together in a whirlwind of nostalgia and miscellaneous melancholy.
To say he is overwhelmed would be an understatement. Taerae is burdened with far too many emotions he cannot unpack, many of which he believes are better off being ignored. The last thing he wants is to sour Matthew’s impression of him during their final few moments together. And so, like he did the entire summer, he suffers in silence.
He’s been suffering all alone ever since Matthew broke the news that he was moving away. Taerae remembers the day vividly, as it was the last time he ever felt at peace. Taerae’s never been an anxious person, but something about the buildup to that day left him restless and nervous in a way that he’s never been before. He noticed small signs here and there that something was wrong, but he never imagined the truth to be so life-altering.
It all started with a conversation he wasn’t supposed to hear.
For once, Taerae woke up earlier than usual. He spent the night at Matthew’s house on one of the first days of summer, an occasion so normal that he has an entire drawer full of his clothes in Matthew’s bedroom. He’s used to waking up in Matthew’s bed, surrounded by his bodywash, his shampoo, and his perfume.
He carefully made his way to the kitchen after he crawled out of bed, searching for the missing feeling of Matthew’s warmth, but quickly paused as soon as he overheard Matthew talking to his mother from the hallway.
“...isn’t going to last forever.” She murmured. “When are you going to tell him?”
Matthew sighed, the floorboards creaking as he shifted between his feet. “I don’t know. I’m really scared to talk to him about it. I don’t want to hurt him.”
Taerae’s heart dropped to his stomach. He wrapped his arms around himself, leaning against the wall as his mind raced. What could Matthew possibly have to tell him? Is there anything Matthew could say that would hurt him? What could he possibly have to admit that would leave Taerae upset? Is there anything like that? Taerae found it hard to believe in that moment, but quickly understood why a little after.
Matthew’s mother hummed. “You’re going to have to tell him eventually—sooner rather than later. Taerae is… he’s fragile, honey. Don’t hurt him any more than you have to.”
Something about hearing Matthew’s mom call him fragile made him nauseous. He took a step back, desperate to run away. He shouldn’t keep eavesdropping—this conversation isn’t for him. He isn’t meant to hear this.
“I just hate making him sad. I don’t even know what to say… every time I try to bring it up, I get nervous. I really don’t know what to do.”
“Sometimes, we hurt the people we love. It may not be on purpose, and it could be the last thing you want, but you can’t stop it from happening. I think moments like these solidify your relationships, honey. I think it’ll make your friendship stronger, even if it might hurt you both for a very long time.”
“You’re right, mom. I’ll—I’ll try to talk to him soon.”
Taerae couldn’t listen to any more. He dragged his feet all the way back to Matthew’s bedroom and flung himself into his bed, desperate to ignore whatever conversation Matthew needed to have with him. He drove himself crazy with what-ifs, never once building up the courage to ask Matthew what they were talking about.
It took Matthew two weeks to tell Taerae that he was planning on leaving once summer ended. Taerae assumed that is what he was telling his mother about for the sake of his own sanity, but it made sense. Matthew told him he was beating around the bush for a while, and he was afraid of making Taerae upset.
“I’m moving to the city.” Matthew said. “I have a job lined up, and my sister is going to let me stay with her until I find somewhere to live. It’s going to be far, but I—I want this so bad, Taerae. It’s everything I need.”
Back then, Taerae had no choice but to hold himself together. If he falls apart, Matthew might not be strong enough to leave. He’ll be branded with guilt for the future he robbed Matthew of due to his own inability to stay composed. Matthew would never blame him—could never blame him, and yet, Taerae would blame himself, over and over again.
Taerae regrets how bitter hearing Matthew talk about his plans made him, but he couldn’t—still can’t, really—help it. Shouldn’t Taerae be everything Matthew needs? He’s been his best friend, his second half, the other side of his soul since childhood. Their fates were meant to be connected, and yet Taerae quickly learned that nothing is quite like he thought it was.
Matthew has his own dreams. He has his own plans, separate from Taerae. Taerae isn’t involved in the future Matthew wants, and Taerae hasn’t been able to swallow that pill. He’s put up facades, however, unwilling to let the mask slip.
“That sounds… great. I’m happy for you, Matthew. I really, really am.”
Taerae blinks out of the memory, glancing over at Matthew’s face.
Matthew stares beyond the train tracks, gaze transfixed on something that doesn’t exist. Perhaps he sees through it all: the fences, the trees, the skyline. The lies and the truth, all the memories they’ve ever shared. He doesn’t say anything, and Taerae doesn’t want to disturb him. He’s afraid of breaking the silence and ruining Matthew’s last moment of tranquility.
He doesn’t want the moment to end, but he knows that the train is going to arrive soon. Too much time has passed already, and it’s only a matter of minutes before Matthew’s stepping towards a future Taerae can no longer be a part of.
And yet, Taerae forces an unfair, cruel expectation on himself. He must remain calm, and he must not cry. He cannot show any sort of weakness and risk keeping Matthew tethered to his side for one more second.
The distant sound of the train’s horn echoes throughout the boarding platform. Taerae swallows all the melancholy clawing up his throat from the deepest parts of his chest. He turns to Matthew slightly, studying the side of his face. Matthew remains still for a moment, calm and collected, before turning to meet Taerae’s eyes.
Matthew smiles. Familiar and friendly, full of far too much love that Taerae doesn’t deserve. Taerae mirrors the expression, unable to hide how deep his devotion bleeds. Matthew’s eyes flick downwards, taking a snapshot of Taerae’s lips. Taerae’s mouth opens slightly, and air leaks out.
Taerae waits for Matthew to say something, but he never does. The train slowly pulls onto the platform, coming to a complete halt with a loud release of steam. Matthew carefully stands up and tightens his grip on his suitcase handle, taking a deep breath as he turns to look at the train. Taerae watches from the bench, staring up at Matthew. He looks like an angel, one of the lamps positioned to his left radiating behind him like a halo.
All at once, everything feels a lot more real. Matthew is leaving. He’s not going to be around anymore, and Taerae isn’t going to be in his life. Taerae’s been avoiding confronting all the negative feelings trapped inside his heart for Matthew’s sake. Suddenly, Taerae is overcome with guilt and anger, allowing himself to be selfish for the first time in a very, very long time.
Taerae stands up and reaches out for Matthew’s hand. Matthew’s eyes widen as he turns to face Taerae, mouth dropping open with a light gasp. Taerae slides their hands together and squeezes as tight as he can, hoping to imprint himself on Matthew’s soul.
“I don’t want you to leave.” Taerae murmurs, eyes glued to the spot where their hands meet. “I hate being selfish. I hate—you know I hate feeling like this. I just… I don’t want you to go. And… I’m sorry for doing this now.”
If he were a stronger person, perhaps he’d be able to stop himself from tearing up. Taerae has always prided himself on the control he has over his emotions, or rather, his ability to avoid them. He’s deluded himself into believing he has a level of emotional intelligence that keeps him from getting hurt, when the reality is he’s only paused the inevitable by shoving all his vulnerability to the deepest sections of his heart in a desperate, sad attempt to avoid them.
He’s overwhelmed. Months of avoiding his emotions has turned into years, and now Taerae is unable to separate them. All his thoughts and feelings blend together into a complicated, confusing mess which leaves him constantly on edge. He’s afraid of something he can’t quite put his finger on. Perhaps, he’s afraid of the way Matthew makes him feel. Or rather, he’s afraid of Matthew finding out.
He finds it ironic that he’s finally breaking down the wall during their last moment together. Taerae could have never said anything, and he doesn’t even plan on admitting anything right now, but he knows that he’s letting Matthew’s sunlight break through the cracks and illuminate the harsh truth.
Taerae doesn’t like thinking about it. Truthfully, he hasn’t spent any time trying to unpack or detangle anything related to Matthew, because he’s terrified of coming to realizations that would change their relationship. He doesn’t think of himself as naive, mostly due to the fact that he understands something exists between them that extends far past what could be called friendship.
He wouldn’t need to avoid all his feelings if they were strictly platonic. Taerae isn’t delusional enough to pretend that he doesn’t love Matthew in a way that surpasses what could be considered normal. He’s aware of far too many things, and maybe that’s why he lies to himself and avoids the truth.
If only he could hold onto that denial for a little while longer. Matthew wouldn’t have to find out, and nothing between them would be ruined. Taerae could try to move on with a suffocated heart, but at least he could still call Matthew his best friend. Unfortunately, Taerae is coming to accept that he isn’t strong enough for that.
Taerae glances up and makes the mistake of looking directly into Matthew’s eyes. His own sting, clouded by unshed tears that threaten to fall down his face and crack his composure.
“I don’t want you to leave me here alone.”
Matthew’s expression falls and he immediately steps closer. He lets go of his suitcase and places his hand onto Taerae’s shoulder, dragging his thumb against his collarbone. Taerae flinches, squeezing his eyes shut and forcing his mouth closed. He doesn’t trust himself to remain calm, not when he’s already on the brink of breaking down.
It becomes impossible to hold himself together once Matthew pulls him into a tight hug. He snakes one arm around Taerae’s waist, while the other slides around his shoulder. Matthew’s hand carefully holds onto the back of Taerae’s head as he delicately drags his fingertips against his hair. After tucking his cheek against Taerae’s, Matthew tightens the embrace and takes a deep breath.
“You’re not selfish.” Matthew whispers, voice low and comforting. “I’m sorry, Taerae. I don’t want to leave you here, either. I wish you could come with me.”
There is no question if Taerae would go if Matthew asked, even though it’s the last thing he wants. They both know that Taerae wouldn’t be happy. He doesn’t belong in the city, not when his heart already lives in this town.
However, Taerae has never been able to tell if his happiness living here is because of Matthew or not. Perhaps, he only looks at this place fondly because it’s where he met Matthew. It’s where they grew up together, and it’s where Taerae fell in love. Taerae has memories on every single street, in every single store, and under every single sky.
To be honest, Taerae is pretty sure his heart only exists in Matthew’s hands, whether or not Matthew realizes it. Once he’s gone, Taerae doesn’t know how much affection will exist within him for where he lives. Despite that, he still would rather stay, even if chasing Matthew is the easiest answer. There are too many variables and complications to picking up his life and moving hundreds of miles away, too much stress that Taerae isn’t equipped to deal with.
Taerae quietly sobs into Matthew’s shoulder, holding onto him like he’ll blow away in the wind. His entire body shivers as a gust of wind crashes through them. All the air around them is freezing, despite there still being a few more minutes left of summer. Autumn is on the horizon, as well as Taerae’s loneliness.
Matthew tightens his arms around Taerae and slides his fingers between the back of Taerae’s hair, tucking his head in the crook of his neck. It’s almost like he knows that this will be the last time they’ll be able to touch each other in such an intimate way, which makes Taerae cry harder.
Neither of them know how long they will be apart, or if they’ll ever be brought back together. Taerae has nothing to look forward to because of that. No dates or deadlines to live for, no reunions to believe in. Realistically, he knows a reunion between them is in one of their hands. Mostly his, but technically, it’s in Matthew’s hands, too.
Yet, Taerae would never ask him to come back. Despite all their history together and all the memories shared, Taerae understands that he needs to let Matthew go. The Matthew he fell in love with isn’t his to keep to himself anymore, as if he ever was. Matthew is making a choice for his future, and Taerae must respect that, no matter how painful it feels. No matter how left behind he feels.
None of this is Matthew’s fault. Taerae has forced himself into silence. He isn’t strong enough to hold himself together when it matters most, right before Matthew is about to leave. How pathetic is he, truly?
“I’ll write to you every day.” Matthew says, though the words hold little weight. “I’ll tell you everything. I want—I want you to be there with me, even if it’s through paper.”
Taerae pulls back, wiping his tears as he shakes his head. “I don’t want to hold you back. You don’t deserve all this baggage.”
Matthew looks shocked and a little hurt. “What? You aren’t baggage to me, Taerae. You’re—you’re everything to me.”
“That’s why you can’t. You can’t think about me, you can’t write to me. You have to live your life without me.” Taerae wipes his snot on the sleeve of his shirt, turning his gaze towards Matthew’s chest as he tries to even out his breathing. “I don’t want to hold you back anymore than I already have.”
“What are you saying?” Matthew shakes his head. “You haven’t held me back from anything.”
“Yes, I have. I’ve—look, we don’t have time to talk about this. You have to go, the train is going to leave soon.” Taerae says, and the train’s horn blares almost as if on cue. “You have to let go.”
Matthew glances at the train, then turns back to face Taerae. “I don’t want to lose you. Do you… not want me to reach out to you?”
Taerae is stunned due to Matthew’s bluntness. What does he really want? Taerae isn’t sure. Obviously, he doesn’t want to lose Matthew. He wants him to stay there forever, and he wants to live the rest of his life by Matthew’s side. That isn’t something he can allow to admit, so instead he searches for a different kind of honesty.
“I don’t want to hold you back from living the life you deserve to live.” Taerae whispers, finally turning his gaze upwards to meet Matthew’s eyes again. “I don’t want to be the reason you can’t fly.”
“Taerae, you’re the only reason I’ve gotten this far at all.” Matthew reaches out and delicately cups Taerae’s cheek, rubbing his thumb over Taerae's cheekbone. He wipes away a stray tear, and Taerae feels his face burn hotter. “You’re the reason I’m who I am, and I can’t imagine a world where we aren’t best friends.”
“But—”
“I love you, Taerae.” Matthew confesses with far too much conviction.
Taerae doesn’t have time to ask which way Matthew means it, but even if he did, he doesn’t have the confidence nor the strength. His heart shatters a little more, an overwhelming weight crushing his lungs as Matthew leans in closer.
Is this something Taerae wants? He isn’t sure whether or not he could live with knowing how it feels to kiss Matthew, especially not when it’ll be the one and only time. He isn’t even sure if Matthew is leaning in for a kiss, or if he’s just trying to get closer. Taerae shouldn’t be excited, but he can’t help it.
Taerae closes his eyes but a kiss never comes. Matthew takes a deep breath, exhaling against Taerae’s lips. Taerae’s skin shivers and he can hear and feel his heartbeat in his ears. He slowly opens his eyes to find Matthew staring at him.
“I love you, too.” Taerae whispers, every ounce of strength remaining inside him immediately draining out of his body. He slouches forward and falls into Matthew’s arms, taking a deep breath and inhaling his perfume one final time.
The train’s horn goes off again. Taerae and Matthew have run out of time.
“I’m going to send letters.” Matthew says. “If that’s okay.”
Taerae sniffles, wiping his face against Matthew’s sweatshirt. “Okay.”
Maybe Taerae will write him back, maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll build up the courage to chase him one day, or maybe he’ll stay stuck and stranded in this town, all alone. There are too many maybes, too many thoughts which leave Taerae dizzy. He blinks most of them away, slowly pulling back. Matthew is reluctant to let him go, holding onto Taerae’s wrists before finally dropping his hands back by his sides.
“I’m going to think of you every single day.”
“Okay.” Taerae shoves his hands in his pockets. Matthew should already know that Taerae will, too.
Matthew shifts between his feet after grabbing onto his suitcase handle. He looks nervous, and Taerae feels a little guilty. His outburst has no doubt caused Matthew to question whether or not he’s making the right choice. Deep down, somewhere underneath all his sadness, Taerae believes that he is. He tells himself that, at least.
Matthew deserves to reach the stars. He deserves everything good life has to offer, whether or not that includes Taerae.
“Goodbye.” Matthew says with too much finality. He stares at Taerae, studying his face. “I love you.”
Taerae takes a deep breath. Then, he smiles. “I love you, too. Forever.”
Matthew mirrors Taerae’s smile and they share one final prolonged stare. He tears his gaze away from Taerae and begins to make his way towards the train.
Is this how Taerae wants their story to end? He cannot pretend to be indifferent, not after revealing everything he has. He’s heard Matthew’s confessions, his true feelings, while he has only spat out lies full of resentment. He supposes he didn’t lie about anything, not really, he just tried his best to get Matthew to move on without him. Yet, as he’s watching Matthew walk towards the train, it hits Taerae how that is the exact opposite of what he wants.
Taerae doesn’t want Matthew to move on—not if that means he’ll never have him in his life again. Taerae may be conflicted, too confused to truly figure out how he feels, but he finally decides that he doesn’t want to lose Matthew. Whether or not they see each other in person doesn’t matter to him. If Matthew wants to write to him, then Taerae will do his best to reply. Taerae doesn’t want to give up, even though he’s been telling himself to for the last few weeks.
He doesn’t care if he’s needy. He doesn’t care if he’s blurring the lines, or if he’s shackling Matthew to his side for another ten years. He’ll be selfish and he will live with it, but it will be okay because at least he’ll be living with Matthew’s love somewhere amidst all that guilt.
“Wait!” Taerae calls out and runs after Matthew right before he steps onto the train. “Matthew, wait!”
Matthew’s head whips towards Taerae. His mouth drops open as Taerae pulls him into a tight hug, burying his face against his chest.
“Send me letters. Please, tell me everything. Tell me about the city, tell me about your sister, tell me about your job. Tell me the stupid, silly things you think I won’t care about. I’ll care about them, because I care about you. I care about you, so, so much.”
Matthew wraps his arms around Taerae. “I will, I promise.”
“I mean it. Tell me about every mundane thing that happens to you. Tell me about the good, exciting things, too, even though it’ll make me jealous. Make me jealous, I don’t care. Just talk to me. Don’t—don’t move on, please. Don’t forget about me.”
“I could never forget about you.” Matthew whispers, voice cracking. “I promise, Taerae. I’ll tell you everything.”
Taerae pulls back, unable to meet Matthew’s gaze. “The train is going to leave. Just—goodbye, Matthew. I’ll wait by the mailbox.”
Matthew chuckles, a sad and quiet sound that breaks in his throat. “As soon as I get to my sister's apartment, I’ll sit down and write. Before I unpack, before anything.”
Taerae nods. “I’ll wait for you.”
He’ll wait for as long as he has to. He’ll wait for something to change, he’ll wait for Matthew to come back, and he’ll wait for whatever he needs to in order to get what he wants. He isn’t sure what his future may look like, but he won’t worry about it when he has something to look forward to.
This is his choice, and that is enough for Taerae. It’s as much of a choice as he can give himself when the world has decided otherwise for him. His world—Matthew—has chosen his own path, and Taerae will follow along with it in hopes that their paths will merge again one day. All he has to do is wait.
Taerae looks up to meet Matthew’s eyes. He looks nervous, lip quivering as he reaches out and places a hand on Taerae’s shoulder. He takes a deep breath and opens his mouth like he’s about to say something, but decides against it.
In one swift movement, Matthew leans forward and presses his lips against Taerae’s cheek. He gives him a small, chaste kiss before pulling away. The moment ends as soon as it began.
“Goodbye. I—I’ll see you later.” Matthew says quickly, spinning around and disappearing onto the train car.
Taerae stands frozen in place, heart racing and mind spinning. He slowly brings his hand up to his face, dragging his fingertips over the spot Matthew kissed. Taerae’s skin tingles, an intense buzzing lingering underneath every layer. He ignores every single thought and question that pops into his head, instead focusing on the fact Matthew kissed him at all.
He doesn’t know what it might mean, or maybe he just doesn’t want to confront reality. Either way, Taerae closes his eyes and simply breathes, allowing the wind to blow through him as the train horn goes off one more time. As soon as it ends, the train leaves the station and Taerae is all alone.
Taerae stands there for what feels like an eternity. Once the station lights shut off, he finally snaps out of it. He takes a deep breath as he stares down at the spot in front of him where Matthew stood previously. He can still feel his presence even now, despite the fact he is already probably a hundred miles away.
As he walks home, Taerae wonders. He might even call it dreaming. He imagines what Matthew might say when he writes to him, or if he’ll even write at all. He’s being a bit pessimistic, but he trusts that Matthew would never go back on his promise.
Taerae wishes he could peek into Matthew’s brain sometimes. He wishes he was sitting next to him on that train, resting his head against his shoulder as they held hands. He wishes for a lot, and dreams for even more. Right now, Taerae can only wait.
All he has to do is wait for Matthew’s letter, and that will be enough.