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“We have to break some stuff and steal some things. A rubber ducky, a paperclip, a rolling pin-”
“Why, Vitya? Vitya, why?”
“Because.”
A great start to any aspiring burglar’s career - not knowing why the hell you're burgling. But for Viktor and Yuri, a pair of Durmstrangers abducted by a purple tornado and regurgitated by a treeman onto an island in the sky, it's simply another day in Russia.
Viktor, the younger but also the nominal leader of the duo, slaps the theft list against his friend’s chest and then adjusts his gnome hat. It's not as warm as the fur hats he's used to, but it's pretty decent. A bit bright for stealth. Really, he as a person is a bit of a problem when it comes to stealth, being afflicted with two left feet. "Stop asking questions. We do what we do." he says.
However, his sable clad mate makes up for his lack of stealth. Unlike Viktor, Yuri is not entirely dressed like a gnome, but persists in wearing his furs on top of the red and blue uniform he was forcibly dressed in upon arriving on Epstein's Island, helping him to appear to be an especially deranged cat. “Because the chief told us to.” he says, eventually.
“Alright, enough yapping. Come on. Move, move, move! We've got toilets to break.” Turning, Viktor wades through the ocean of creepy faced gnomes surrounding himself and his friend.
The tornado which originally abducted them tosses them down into the long grass outside a traditional American plywood house.
“Time to cause mischief.” Viktor rubs his hands together, an evil glint in his eye as he scans the whitewashed paper mache looking building.
“You're much too into this, Vitya. I don't like it. Did you not notice how the gnomes who failed the High Gnome’s tasks were exploded?” Although he had his wand confiscated upon being abducted, Yuri casts a spell to turn Viktor's gnome outfit hot pink.
The house is multistory, and the young men have become short. Chads amongst Gnomekind, yes, but still tiny at six and nine inches tall, respectively. Too much magic use might lead to sudden explosions and termination of life, so the pair source alternative modes of entry.
“By the way, we're on a timer.”
“How do you know that?”
“I watched the others attempt this while you were skipping around a maypole, Vitya.”
“Oh…I wish I had my broom.”
Viktor especially wishes he had his broom when he attempts to climb a hedge under a window sill and rips his arms off, spraying his friend with at least half a plastic beach bucket worth of blood.
“Viktor!”
“It’s okay, Yura! I’ll walk it off!”
And he does. Three seconds later he’s all better and the pair locate a less dangerous way to get into the house, crawling through a drainage pipe instead, straight into a bathroom. A very normal bathroom turned ominous by the small size of the infiltrators.
“Do you hear that?” asks Viktor, staring at the open door.
“No. But the toilet is on the list of things to break.” replies Yuri, placing said list back in a pocket.
“...How do we break muggle stuff without magic?”
“Kick it. I don't know. Ask your ex-girlfriend. I'm not a mudblood.”
The burglin’ wizards erupt into a fight, rolling around the tiles punching and kicking each other and making lots of noise. Lots of noise which draws the attention of the house's owner. Footsteps of great magnitude approach from the direction of another room, forcing the wizards (now with blossoming black eyes) to separate and rush together for the bath, where they hide while a gigantic old man with a very long beard strides around the bathroom, muttering ominously under his breath.
Quick as a weasel, Yuri peers round the side of one of the clawed tub feet. “Vitya, my friend, we need to kill him.”
“What?!”
“If we don't kill him he's going to kill us. And impede our operations, which amounts to the same thing.”
“My guy, I don't even know how to break a toilet!”
The old man stomps back out the door, followed by a teeny tiny wizard, who looks back over his shoulder. “Fine. Leave the murder to me.”
😎
But before murder comes attempted murder. The old man interrupts a bout of cool smoking when the boys get a hold of a packet of his flamboyant cigarettes, snatching Viktor off a dresser and taking him to the kitchen, where he throws him into a freezer.
“Oh no,” says Yuri, as he watches the angry giant stomp away with his squealing friend. “Anyway.” he takes another drag of his comically large cigarette. A couple seconds later a flash of pink and purple catches his eye, drawing his attention to the bedroom window. There’s an old lady fairy standing on the sill, attempting to get his attention, as women do.
“Hey, give me one of those and I’ll give you something useful in exchange. I don't want to move any further into this evil house.” she says, in a Scottish accent.
So Yuri duly exchanges a cigarette for a claw hammer. This proves useful in the kitchen when he uses it to lever open a drawer.
“Yrmm! Yrmm!” yells a muffled voice from the direction of the fridge.
“Oh yes. Viktor.”
Choosing to save his friend proves to be a slight negative for Yuri, as the old man grabs him almost the instant he leaps out of the freezer and throws him into the oven and turns it on, before exiting the room once again. But luckily for him, Viktor is more prompt in the matter of life saving.
“Look what I found…” Yuri, an unhinged smile on his face, kicks the pistol he found in the drawer and dragged onto the counter with his partner-in-crime's help, making it bark and shoot dead a nearby rat. A task is magically crossed off their list. “Now go lure the human, I mean, old man in here.”
With some trepidation, Viktor does as bid, causing the old man to chase him in a bent over position, putting his head in perfect range of…
BOOM! Yuri, waiting on the counter, kicks the gun again, and the man is down, sprawled over the kitchen tiles.
“Great. Now we can…wait, did you hear that?”
The gnomish young wizards glance around the living room, where they have been conferring over the list. A sound like under-the-breath chattering interrupts the pleasant quiet of a human-free house. Cautiously they peer around the leg of a sofa, fearing another rat, or worse, a cat, only to come face to face with the worst thing in existence. Rushing at them from the direction of the open front door is another gnome, another gnome wizard in fact, dressed all in black, his greasy hair swinging, his black eyes flung wide and fixed on the Durmstrangers, his lips pulled back from atrocious English teeth. In his hand he clutches a tiny cleaver.
“Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!” Snape hisses continuously.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” scream the boys, in the voices of little girls.
