Chapter Text
Soobin sat in his geometry class watching the rain pound on the window. He was sitting in the back, per usual, and the teacher had been talking about finding x for the past 40 minutes. Soobin was usually great at focusing in class, but recently he was having trouble. He was always at the top of his class, but the last few months his depression had gotten in the way of his ability to work and focus. Now he just sits alone and tries to pay attention but always ends up giving up once he does not understand.
The teacher's words blurred together, and Soobin’s thoughts drowned out the world around him. Nobody talked to him; nobody cared enough. He used to be a very popular kid; the boys wanted to be him, and all the girls wanted him, but life had been getting harder the past few years, and he stopped being an excited and talkative person.
Both of his parents were extroverts and were constantly frustrated that he never wanted to be social. The only thing they were really proud of him for was how smart and studious he was, but now, he has lost that part of himself. He had no motivation to study anymore, and all of his intelligence was gone.
Soobin felt a weird emptiness inside of him, and nothing could fill it.
His anxiety attacks came for no reason at all, and they were coming more frequently.
During class he would just fight back his tears instead of taking his notes. But of course, he could not explain that to his parents. He couldn’t talk to any of the other kids either.
He only had a few friends, but recently all of them stopped being friends with him for no reason. Except one. Yeonjun. But Yeonjun, his best friend, moved to America five years ago, and they lost contact when Soobin got a new phone number. Now Soobin had nobody to talk to and had to sit alone with his thoughts. He liked being quiet and alone, but sometimes his thoughts would get too overwhelming, and he would break down.
A loud sound suddenly shot through the room and brought Soobin back to reality.
The school bell stopped ringing after a few seconds and students began to put their notes away and pack up. Soobin hurriedly grabbed his bag and rushed out the classroom door.
He was the first one outside and he went ahead and started running home.
His mom was a medical assistant at a hospital only a few blocks away from Soobin’s school so they had to live close by. His house was just a walking distance from school so it was only a ten minutes to run back.
He forgot his umbrella anyways and had to run so he did not get too wet.
Soobin had a headstart from the rest of the kids at school and he felt like he was finally free now that he was away from everyone and out of that stuffy classroom. If he had to solve for the area of a triangle one more time Soobin thought his head would implode.
The rain fell on soobin as he sprinted down the sidewalk.
He was just five minutes away. Halfway there.
Soobin’s breathing suddenly increased and running got difficult. He could usually run very fast for long periods of time, but he was now panting.
Soobin turned the corner and was now on the street his house was on. Soobin’s pace slowed and the rain got harder. Soobin’s vision blurred and he couldn't walk straight.
He randomly felt a wave of emotions and his head started to hurt.
He suddenly felt so sad he couldn’t function, and he had no clue why.
Tears pooled in his eyes and rain dripped from his hair. Soobin stopped moving and stood in place, he only had to run a little longer until he reached his destination.
He looked at his house, wanting to move forward, but his body wouldn’t allow him to do so.
The clouds above turned darker and the rain had now soaked his uniform so much you could see the skin underneath.
Soobin then realized the water in his face was not only rain but tears.
Why am I crying, what is wrong with me? he thought.
Soobin could no longer breathe. He gripped his chest and lost his balance. He gave in to gravity and fell to the concrete.
It scraped his hands and tore his pants, but he didn't care. He couldn’t care.
The rain fell harder and the sounds of cars on the road next to him got louder. The cars accelerated. The rain turned into thunder.
His house that was only minutes away, drifted further away from him. Soobin closed his eyes and plugged his ears. He just wanted it to stop.
Soobin remained in his pathetic position. He felt his muscles lock into place, unable to move even an inch. Soobin knew he looked awful and like a total loser, but he didn’t care. He had bigger concerns.
His emotions absorbed him and he was now breathing even harder.
Seconds passed like hours and Soobin swore he could feel himself disintegrating.
He didn’t want to feel this way. He didn't want to be unable to move. He didn't want to be the lonely boy who sat on the street crying as he let the rain drown him.
But Soobin couldn’t help it. He couldn’t simply say ‘no’ to his emotions and feel better. He didn’t know what would fix him.
Soobin stayed in his crouched position until the rain lightened and his breathing steadied.
As time passed, the cars slowed down and dispersed.
Soobin felt better and he was no longer being strangled by a feeling of unknown sadness.
He opened his eyes and a darker sky was unveiled.
His hair was soaking wet and his clothes clung to his skin. He slowly stood and wiped the tears from his cheeks. His heart wasn’t beating out of his chest anymore and he felt a huge sense of relief to see that he was almost home.
He slowly took a step. Then another. Then a few more and soon enough, he arrived at his doorstep.
The lights were on and he heard his mom making dinner.
He opened the door and saw her smiling face.
It dropped the second she saw him.
“CHOI SOOBIN,” she screamed, “where the hell have you been? I have been worried sick and you are arriving home, 2 hours after school got out, with no notice whatsoever!”
Soobin looked his mom in the eye. “I’m really sorry mom. I couldn’t help it.” He looked down in shame.
His mom knew what was going on. Soobin’s panic attacks have been coming more frequently nowadays. Soobin fidgeted with the damp strap of his backpack. He ran his other hand through his black hair and whispered the only sentence he could form, “Mom, I really need that medication”
His mom rolled her eyes. Soobin always asked for medication for his anxiety but his mom just ignored him.
Soobin just wanted to tell her how he truly felt but no matter how comfortable he was around her, he just couldn’t talk about anything.
“Soobin I know you need medicine but I don’t think that is healthy for you” Soobin’s mom turned back around to face the stove where she was cooking. “Dinner will be ready soon baby”
She softly picked up a knife and began to chop an assortment of vegetables, signaling for Soobin to leave.
Soobin’s mom loved to be concerned when he came home, but when he actually opened up, she would ignore him again and pretend the whole ordeal never occurred.
Soobin somberly walked across the living room and headed into his room.
He felt a sense of peace to be alone in a familiar space, but the feeling of anxiety and sadness he experienced earlier never truly left.
He crashed down onto his bed and stared at the ceiling. He just wanted his life to be over. He couldn't take the pain anymore. Not a single person cared for him. His mom pretended she did, but her actions never showed it. There was no point in saying you love your son when you ignore him and wouldn't give a shit if he disappeared off the face of the Earth.
He knew that sounded harsh and he shouldn't say such words about the woman who provides for him, but that was how he felt.
As the depressing thoughts flew through his head, Soobin grabbed his headphones and placed them on his head.
Soobin’s only escape from his harsh feelings was music. But sometimes even the music couldn’t fix everything. Soobin turned on his favorite band on full volume, the sound blasting into his ears, but it was not distracting enough. Soobin was feeling whatever it was that came over him after school. He couldn’t do this anymore. At least his favorite song, ‘Dreamer’, began to play.
“Walking through the maze all day, can’t expect any comfort. A pity, my steps have no more length, swaying”
Soobin couldn’t move. He was exhausted and his body felt numb. He turned up the volume.
“Late night, finally bowing my head before the dream I longed for no. I know, you know, dreams are like magic. Twinkle, twinkle, disappear.”
Soobin hated to admit how much he related to the lyrics. He liked the song at first because of the vocals, but he began to realize how much it applied to him.
He used to have such big dreams. They all disappeared gradually as Soobin slowly lost himself.
“Some grown-up talk. Should I run away like this?”
Soobin needed to run away. He needed to escape whatever it was he was feeling. He was suffocating. His anxiety was slowly killing him.
Soobin either wanted to die immediately to rid himself of this feeling, or he could begin to feel better and learn to love life again.
But the latter was something Soobin was currently trying, and he wasn’t able to succeed.
All he could do for now was escape.
Soobin’s feelings began to resurface and he knew he couldn’t stay in his room anymore, he needed to escape.
Soobin swung his bedroom door open and walked across his house.
Thankfully, his mom was still making dinner and did not see him. The food looked like it still had another hour until it was ready so Soobin knew he could leave without leaving her worrying, or waste the dinner she made.
He gripped the ice-sold doorknob and opened his front door. A cold gust of wind smacked his face as Soobin stepped outside.
Soobin knew the only way to escape this hellhole his emotions decided to bring upon him was escaping, and he needed a distraction.
Soobin kept his headphones on as he walked down his driveway and back onto the sidewalk he decomposed on a few hours ago.
He heard cars honking in the street next to him, but the sounds were muffled.
As Soobin walked down the road, his anxiety started to hit him.
Soobin began to shake, he was having yet another panic attack. Soobin didn’t know why, nothing bad happened to him, he was just anxious for no reason.
Tears filled Soobin’s eyes and he tried to hold it in as he walked faster. He wondered how messed up he really was for this to be happening twice in less than 24 hours.
The weather was still bad and light raindrops fell on Soobin’s face.
Soobin allowed for his music to continue pumping into his ears, fueling him to continue walking.
It was so dark and cold outside that the rain looked almost purple.
He got over his emotions slightly so he was able to contain himself. Soobin kept walking until his legs gave out. He must have walked almost 2 miles away from home.
Before he even realized, the rain turned into a downpour and many cars filled the streets, even worse than this afternoon.
Soobin was still feeling anxious and he subconsciously put his body on autopilot. His brain tended to do this when his feelings became too much for him to take.
As Soobin wandered, he stepped into the street. He didn’t even notice at the time. He continued to walk, but remained off the sidewalk. If a car had come in the next second, Soobin would be dead.
Soobin then realized where he was, but he didn’t seem to care. He didn’t care if a car came driving at him at full speed, because he just wanted to stop feeling this way.
Soobin stared at his surroundings. The purple rain fell hard around him and the streetlights were so blinding he could barely see.
The rain continued to fall, which caused his clothes and hair to get wet. Cars drove on the streets around him, but none in his lane.
Soobin stared, pretty much waiting for a car to come at him.
The tears Soobin was holding back escaped his eyes and Soobin broke down. He was crying in the street, alone, in the middle of the night, covered in rain. He felt pathetic. Whatever he felt earlier had come back, the awful emotions rushing over him.
He cried harder, until he felt every negative emotion he ever experienced.
Tears flowed down his face uncontrollably. Soobin stopped walking through the streets, stopping in the center. He felt like total shit and couldn’t stand it anymore.
He swayed side to side as he felt his legs going weak. Soobin was ready to give up. He genuinely would rather die than remain in his current state.
Soobin closed his eyes, fully surrendering to his anxiety. He had given up. Soobin was just waiting for a car to come. He didn’t want to admit it, but he wanted to die at that exact moment.
Soobin wouldn’t call himself suicidal, but he wanted something to put him out of his misery. If dying was the only way that could happen, Soobin would let himself die.
Suddenly, Soobin felt someone grab his hand. It was almost like an electric shock. The hand was warm and soft. It felt like magic when they made contact with Soobin’s hand.
Soobin opened his tear-filled eyes and whipped his head around.
In front of him stood a teenage boy. He has big boba eyes and shaggy, dark brown hair. He was slightly shorter than him, but still very tall. He had a slim figure and slightly resembled a teddy bear. He looked about the same age as Soobin, but Soobin hadn’t seen him at school.
The guy smiled and lifted a large black object. The object opened and became an umbrella.
The rain above Soobin paused and Soobin realized he was giving it to him.
The shorter male placed both his hand and Soobin’s on the umbrella so they were both supporting it.
They stood in place for a moment, until the guy made a sudden movement.
He grabbed Soobin’s free hand and pulled him with full force.
The man started running, pulling Soobin along with him.
They ran across the street until they reached the sidewalk.
They came to a stop next to a streetlight on the sidewalk corner.
Soobin couldn’t yet comprehend what had just occurred.
With one hand remaining alongside Soobin’s on the umbrella, the man reached his free hand out and wiped Soobin’s teary eyes. He smiled shyly, allowing his fingers to linger on Soobin's face, grazing his cheek.
They held eye contact as rain poured down around them. Their faces were only inches apart due to the short proximity of the umbrella above them. Soobin felt the boy's warm breath on his cold lips.
Soobin's feelings of anxiety were fading away. Yet, he still felt a strong emotion deep inside of him. But this emotion was different. It was new. And unlike what he felt previously, Soobin enjoyed feeling this emotion.
It was too early to name it, but it was something he knew was special. There was undeniable tension between Soobin and the boy in front of him. Just looking into his eyes, Soobin felt a sense of comfort and belonging.
Soobin then realized what had happened. This guy had just saved Soobin’s life. He gave him an umbrella and pulled him out of the street.
Soobin couldn’t help but wonder why.
But he erased that question from his mind and just thought of how insane this situation was. Soobin’s thoughts were so mixed up.
Thoughts rushed through his brain so fast where Soobin felt words pounding in his head.
Soobin was never able to silence his thoughts, but when he looked into the boy’s big brown eyes, he felt at peace.
Tears continued filling up Soobin’s eyes as he stood under the umbrella. The wind rushed around him, making him shiver. Soobin’s clothes and hair were still soaked from the rain. His headphones remained on his head, continuing to blast music into his ears. Soobin’s thoughts were so jumbled he didn’t even realize that his favorite song had begun to play. The lyrics flowed softly, settling his thoughts.
“Now I've found it. The star that waited for me far away. I’m dreaming again. Rediscovered name, chasing dreams.”
Soobin never thought he would ever rediscover himself and start dreaming again. Once he began having anxiety attacks, he fell down an awful path of sadness he never thought he could escape. He could have died a few minutes ago, but he was saved.
Maybe he was saved for a reason.
Maybe this guy who saved him was his star that could help him rediscover his name and he could start chasing dreams again.
Of course Soobin could just be overthinking everything and he only feels a connection to this guy because he is crazy. But something inside of Soobin told him that this was something important.
“The end of a long and wandering path. Dreams of a long future. My name. Now I’ve found it”
The music continued playing and Soobin continued staring. Soobin observed the soft expression on the shorter male's face.
Maybe this was the end of his long and wandering path. Maybe he could dream of a long future. Maybe it was time to find his name.
The lyrics suddenly meant even more to Soobin.
Soobin then returned the smile. “Thank you so much.” The words came out alongside several voice cracks.
Their hands remained next to each other on the umbrella, which they were now sharing.
The guy moved his hand closer to Soobin’s to the point where they were practically touching.
The boy lifted his free hand and brought it up to Soobin’s face, as if to whisper in his ear.
He leaned in closer, his fingers grazing Soobin’s cheek as he exhaled lightly.
“Please be more careful. I know I've never met you, but your life is valuable and you shouldn’t throw it away.” He whispered in Soobin’s ear.
“You don’t even know me” Soobin replied as he met the boy’s gaze, “I promise my life is not that valuable.”
Another tear slipped out of Soobin’s eye as they held eye contact.
“Then I will get to know you. And I can tell you are worth staying alive” the boy gave Soobin a soft smile and let his hand fall from Soobin’s face.
“What is your name?” Soobin stuttered out, eyes wide and full of tears.
Soobin wanted to know more about the mysterious, handsome, kind boy who saved his life. If all he could get was a name, he would take it.
“I’m Choi Beomgyu. What about you?” He responded.
“I’m Choi Soobin.” Soobin told him.
They exchanged a warm smile as they maintained strong eye contact.
Soobin’s tears had begun to dry and the cold atmosphere felt warmer in Beomgyu’s presence.
“I have to go now but I will see you around Soobin.” Beomgyu said.
He reached into his pocket and retrieved a slip of paper, soaking wet from the rain. His hand was still touching Soobin’s on the umbrella and Soobin felt the closeness more than ever. Beomgyu placed the frail paper into Soobin’s unoccupied hand and smiled awkwardly.
“I didn’t save you for no reason,” Beomgyu looked down in shyness, “I saw you walking down the street and I wanted to talk to you,” it was dark and therefore difficult to see, but Soobin noticed that he was blushing, “I guess there was something about you,” Beomgyu looked back up at Soobin, “My phone number is on the piece of paper. If there is any other time you feel like this, then call me. Or… you could just call me if you want to hangout.” Beomgyu smiled again and removed his hand from the umbrella.
“Then you should be expecting a call soon,” It was Soobin’s turn to look away in embarrassment, “I guess there is something about you too.”
“I have to go,” Beomgyu pointed out with a pout, “But hopefully I will see you again soon.”
“Thanks again” Soobin said with a smile.
“Anytime.”
Beomgyu turned around and walked out of the umbrella’s proximity. Soobin felt a rush of cold air fill the space Beomgyu was just in.
Soobin then realized he was still holding Beomgyu’s umbrella.
“Beomgyu!” Soobin yelled to Beomgyu, who was about to cross the street, “You forgot your umbrella!”
“I’m giving it to you!” Beomgyu yelled back, “So you can remember tonight!” He flashed Soobin a smile and waved, “Bye Soobin!”
“Bye Beomgyu!”
Soobin caught himself smiling as he gripped the umbrella tighter.
The cold air around him had gotten warmer and the rain had gotten softer.
Soobin looked at his watch and saw it read 10:09. He had been out for hours. Soobin turned around to face the direction he came and started heading back.
As Soobin walked home, he thought to himself, if it weren’t for Beomgyu, he would have still been standing in the road. Or he could have died. Soobin was still alive because of Beomgyu.
Soobin knew that it was good that he was still alive. Him being saved was a reality check. Soobin had wanted to die a few minutes ago, that was a fact. But maybe it was time for him to realize that his life had a purpose and he could find more ways to escape his emotions.
At first, Soobin thought the craziest thing that happened earlier was the fact that he almost died.
Then he decided it was the handsome man that had saved him.
Soobin proceeded to spend the next 30 minutes contemplating what the nervous yet giddy feeling he had was.
As he reached the final stretch before his house, Soobin remembered one other thing that occurred.
Soobin wasn’t the only one who was mesmerized by a random teenage boy on the street.
Through all the sadness, darkness, and cold Soobin was experiencing, there was a warm light.
Beomgyu mentioned he had thought there was something special about Soobin. Beomgyu actually liked something about him.
The realization hit him harder than he expected. A random boy had thought there was something special about Soobin, then witnessed him nearly die, proceeded to save his life, made Soobin infatuated with him, and then occupied every thought Soobin had ever since they locked eyes and touched hands.
Subconsciously, a soft smile spread across Soobin’s face as he reminisced about what happened in the past hour or so.
He was in disbelief that it was only this afternoon when he was crumpled on the sidewalk, sobbing and struggling to breathe. In addition to that, it was just barely over half an hour ago that he almost died.
Soobin’s right hand slipped into his pocket and he ran his fingers over the slip of paper he received from Beomgyu.
He fidgeted with it, nearly giving himself a papercut, but he couldn’t care less.
Soobin’s other hand gripped the umbrella tighter, as if it would fly away if he released it.
Soobin observed his surroundings more as he approached his house. Darkness swallowed the street and it was difficult to see without the assistance of the streetlights.
Soobin realized that the rain had stopped, yet he felt unable to put the umbrella down. He enjoyed the shielding of it, as well as the memories he made standing underneath it. He couldn’t bring himself to put it down and walked the rest of the way with it still up.
A few minutes later, Soobin arrived back at his house. Once he opened the door, he saw his mom laying asleep on the couch. His dinner was set on the table, probably cold.
Soobin felt a sense of regret that he was not home to eat with his mom, but he really needed that walk.
Soobin sat down as quietly as possible and ate his dinner in silence, placing Beomgyu’s umbrella on the chair next to him.
As he ate, he thought about Beomgyu. Soobin was well aware that it was weird to think about someone so much after just one encounter, but that one encounter felt monumental.
He couldn’t quite explain why, but he knew that meeting Beomgyu had changed his life.
He swallowed another mouthful of ramyeon with thoughts of Beomgyu lingering in his mind.
Once Soobin finished his dinner, he put his plate and utensils in the dishwasher, grabbed Beomgyu’s umbrella, and headed to his room.
After entering his dark and small room, he threw himself on his bed and released a loud sigh of exhaustion. He gently set down the umbrella on the bed alongside him, still unable to part with it.
Soobin realized he still had his headphones hanging on his neck and Beomgyu’s paper in his hoodie pocket.
Soobin removed his headphones and placed them on his bedside table.
He took the paper out of his pocket and folded it gently. He grabbed his phone off the bedside table and removed his phone case. Soobin slipped the paper inside and snapped the phone case back on.
Now, whenever Soobin was using his phone and he wanted to call Beomgyu, he could. Of course it would be even easier to just put the number into his contacts, but the paper was a real memorandum of the night, and it had Beomgyu’s cute messy handwriting. Soobin wanted to carry a piece of Beomgyu wherever he went.
Soobin smiled to himself as he set his phone down next to his headphones. The memory from earlier continued to replay in Soobin’s mind as he struggled to fall asleep.
Soobin slowly reached his hand out to touch the umbrella. It was mostly dry, but a few raindrops remained. Soobin wrapped his hand around it and pulled it closer.
He blushed in embarrassment at the fact that he was holding onto an umbrella for comfort, but he already missed the feeling he experienced with Beomgyu earlier.
Soobin turned to the side that the umbrella was on. He pulled it in so close that it touched his chest. He felt kind of stupid, but he knew he was already pathetic so he just embraced it.
10 minutes passed and Soobin still couldn’t bring himself to let go of Beomgyu’s umbrella. He cuddled the umbrella and cradled it in his arms tight.
He then decided that he needed to hear Beomgyu’s voice again or he would never be able to sleep.
He felt insane for being clingy to a guy he just met and knows nothing about. But he couldn’t help it. Just like he couldn’t help being emotionally attached to an umbrella because he felt happy when standing under it.
Soobin turned over again to face his bedside table and reached out to grab his phone. He hurriedly removed his phone case and retrieved the paper that contained Beomgyu’s number.
Soobin read the phone number on the paper again and typed the digits into his phone.
As his eyes lingered on the numbers, he caught himself pressing the call button.
Soobin’s phone rang for a few seconds until a familiar voice answered the phone.
“Hello?” Beomgyu’s sleepy, deep voice answered.
“Oh… I’m so sorry to bother you… I didn’t mean to wake you up.” Soobin apologized frantically.
“Soobin?” Beomgyu asked, “No it’s fine, I was hoping you would call.” Beomgyu's voice took a more excited tone as he realized who was calling.
“I guess I wanted to hear your voice. I was feeling anxious and… I was thinking about you. I’m so sorry… I know this sounds so weird,” Soobin felt embarrassed and ran his hand through his hair.
“Hey it’s okay,” Beomgyu said with a light chuckle, “I’ve been thinking about you since I saw you last.”
Soobin smiled as he heard beomgyus voice and he felt slightly flustered. He didn't know what to say.
“I’m really sorry to disturb you though,” Soobin was obviously jittery and his tone was exposing him, “Is it okay that I called?”
“Oh of course no problem. Are you safe at home??” Beomgyu asked.
“Yea. Are you?”
“Yea. What did you have to eat?” Beomgyu questioned.
Even though the questions lacked depth, the conversation didn’t feel like small talk. The boys were just getting to know each other.
The small questions were light and fun, contrasting to the powerful scene they experienced earlier.
Soobin enjoyed talking to Beomgyu and he hoped this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship, or maybe something more. But Soobin pushed those feelings down, he didn’t want to be too eager around Beomgyu, although Beomgyu seemed equally eager to talk to Soobin.
“I had ramen. It was kind of cold but I didn’t really mind. What about you?” Soobin’s smile widened, he was finally feeling happy.
“I had pizza and cola. It was also cold,” Beomgyu let out a small laugh, “Maybe it’s the weather that's cursing us with cold food.”
Soobin giggled with Beomgyu, knowing he only laughed because he found him incredibly cute.
“Maybe.”
“Hey Soobin?” Beomgyu had a nervous tone to his cheerful voice.
“Yea?” Soobin replied.
“Do you wanna get coffee after school tomorrow, together?” Beomgyu asked.
A bright smile lit up Soobin’s face. He had not smiled like this in almost 2 years. “Yea that would be great! What time?” Soobin felt an excited rush.
“I will text you details.” Beomgyu told him excitedly.
“See you tomorrow Beomgyu. Goodnight” Soobin said happily.
“Goodnight Soobin” Beomgyu responded.
They lingered on the phone, both ready to go to sleep, but enjoying the peaceful silence. They simultaneously ended the call after a few seconds.
Soobin set his phone down next to his headphones. The smile didn’t leave Soobin’s face. He held Beomgyu's umbrella tighter, happy thoughts lingering in his head.
His eyelids grew heavy as the dark night filled the room. Lyrics of his favorite song replayed in his head, as if it was a lullaby slowly putting him to sleep.
Even when it gets dark
Soobin’s eyes fluttered shut.
The starlight is shining
Soobin’s breathing pace slowed.
One step closer
His mind was now absent, lyrics being the only thing occupying his brain.
Following the light
In his last seconds before sleep came, Soobin muttered to himself,
“Thank you, Beomgyu.”