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Knowledgeable people can sometimes be so... dangerous. They know exactly how to make home feel like hell. And some people say to be loved is to be known?
Or, knowing each other is enough to stay in love? Yes—if you are a possessive and obsessive individual.
Left.
Right.
Fast.
Quick.
Keep walking. Or run!
Go where there's a streetlight. You know you are scared of darkness.
Faster.
There is a threat of rain.
Don't turn around.
Don't look at her.
Don't listen to the same person who once refused to do the same thing.
Don't.
"Ai, Just talk to me. Please..." The red-haired woman who seemed to be intoxicated begged as she tried to take the wrist of her ex-girlfriend who is currently striding angrily just to avoid her.
"You are drunk, Lim. Talk to me when you're sober na.” The brown-haired woman replied, resentment palpable in her voice as tries to fasten her pace.
"Please..." The younger woman, whose voice raspy and deep—cracked.
That's when Aiah, the ex-girlfriend, finally stopped moving and turned to face her—an obvious body language that indicates that she was carried away by the begging voice of the woman who had been following her for a while. She still can't bear hearing the woman's voice crack.
“Simp! Ano ba ‘yan, Aiah! Kainis na boses kasi ‘yan.” That's what the brown-haired lady said in her mind, shutting her eyes for a brief moment as she mentally slapped herself for still allowing the younger one to have her way, again.
"Ano?!" The older one fumed.
"Babi naman…”
“Shut it, Lim. Now, you are calling me that endearment na halos hindi mo nga maisauli dati. Hell, hindi ka ba talaga titigil?” Aiah questioned, holding her forehead for a moment.
“I will never stop until you talk to me properly.” The younger one said with finality in her voice.
"Okay. Start, ayos na ako.” Aiah announced teasingly with a lace of annoyance. She then gritted her teeth as she looked at her wrist watch.
“5 minutes, Lim. Don’t waste my time."
“I just want to talk about…” The drunk woman was lost in words, scrambling. The intoxication from the alcohol clearly affected her ability to think and speak quickly. She suddenly feels so small with the towering, waiting, and frustrated gaze of her ex.
"For goodness sake, just be straightforward. The clock is ticking, Lim.” Deadpan, the older woman complained. Brows furrowing in aggravation and impatience.
After a few seconds, the younger woman straightened her posture and directly looked at Aiah, reaching for the latter’s arm but the brown-haired woman immediately avoided the contact.
"Let's fix us, mend our past. I’ll forgive you, even it's about the cheating i-"
"Fix us? There's no such us anymore since the night you decided to walk away. And wow, are you seriously going to bring up that topic again? Cheating?" With eyes that show sorrows and brows that show loathing, the older woman ruffled her hair and averted her gaze from the woman in front of her—looking at her surroundings as if the nature could at least help her save the last amount of restraint in her body, stopping herself from completely exploding.
However, the words spilled out before she could stop herself.
"Fuck you, Lim!"
“Your language.” Mikha said, irritation evident in her voice but she's internally shocked. Throughout her relationship with Aiah, she never heard her ex-girlfriend swear. Not until now.
“Kalat na kalat ‘yang cheating issue na ‘yan.” Aiah, shutting her eyes one more. Trying so hard to check her emotions in place.
She exhaled through her nose, opening her eyes once more to face the woman that once claimed her. She continues:
“But, you are aware that the truth is far from that. Alam ko na alam mo ang totoo, but you chose to remain silent kasi sa paraang ‘yun, matatakpan mo yung kagaguhan niyo ng kaibigan ko. Hell, I don't know if Staks was even my friend in the first place knowing that she hit up with you.” The older one declared, eyes burning with rage, and something close to hurt.
Mikha, upon hearing her statement, suddenly changed demeanor.
"What do you mean? Anong kagaguhan?” The red-head asked, though her voice was mixed with defensiveness if you’ll try to analyze it.
“Giata-, shut it! Ayan ka na naman, you are acting oblivious again!” Aiah, raising her voice.
“I am not acting oblivious, Aiah. Nothing happened between us, why can't you understand that?!” The shorter woman whisper-shouted.
“So what did I see, Lim? Was that shitty fucking heated make out session you had with her right in my condo just casual?”
“That's not what happened.”
“‘Not what happened’, your ass. Sarap na sarap nga kayo. Staks can't even control her moan. Bakit, Lim? Mas maganda ang katawan? Mas masa-”
“Aiah, you are going too far!”
"Ako pa?” Aiah pointed her index finger to herself.
“I’m so blind and stupid back then, ‘no? I didn't notice how manipulative you are.” She added.
“If I am going too far, how about you, Lim? Paano kayo ni Staks?”
A beat of silence. Mikha avoided the eyes of the person in front of her as if she felt guilty.
"That cheating issue you twisted? Hellish.You don't know what I went through because of what you did, just what you spread.” Aiah continued.
“Every time I went to school, I would have a panic attack. I didn't want to leave the condo, because bitch Lim, I was always the one being talked about! Even in the school freedom wall—hindi pa pinalampas.” Said the taller woman, her eyes full of bitterness because even she was having a hard time talking about what she had been through.
“Have you ever thought about my reputation, Lim? School president, president of the school or whatsoever, involved in a cheating scandal? Naiintindihan mo ba kung gaano kalala?” She asked as her eyes foreboded to fill with tears, as her heart began to pound. She felt as if she would be out of breath.
“And the whispers… ‘sayang sila, cheater kasi ‘yan’.” Aiah whispered, as if she really didn't want to say it. As if she wanted to deny it.
"Those aren't only whispers, it's a dictation. A dictation of my worth, a dictation of how people actually view me.” The taller woman continued, while her ex never stopped to look at her sadly and pitifully, uttering weak apologies that Aiah couldn't even hear.
“Your mom, even Kuya Enzo, especially our friends—they are all ignoring me, acting as if we’ve never met in the first place. Acting as if the years of friendship formed were never really there, not knowing that you and Stacey should really be the one on the receiving end because of you and her bullshit…”
Aiah's lips started to tremble, biting her lips to suppress a sob that has been wanting to escape from the latter's red lips.
“My family, if only you've witnessed the disappointment in their eyes, how they dismissed me—how my own parents acted like they disowned me… you will understand how pathetic it is to be ashamed by my own blood.”
Aiah looked up to hold back the tears that had been trying to escape from her brown orbs. She saw the cloudy sky, the latter couldn't see the moon anymore. Her heart started beating faster and heavier. She averted her gaze from there, looking at the pavement instead. She slowly lifted her head to look at the red-haired in front of her.
“Wala man lang nakinig.” Aiah's voice cracked at that line, and the tears that she had been stopping from spilling finally dropped.
Worries and guilt were evident in Mikha’s face as she tries to reach out to wipe her ex lover’s tears but the latter took a step back.
“It hurts, Mikha Lim. So much. You let the truth lie.” With her lips trembling, and her— allowing her tears to continuously leak, continued.
“This hurts.” Hands rolled into a fist, the latter allowed it to find its way to her chest where her heart was resting shattered inside.
"Because I thought since you know me so well, you'll understand my side first. You’ll allow me to explain first.”
"I'm sorry, I let my emotions control me.” Mikha, finally finding her voice—said apologetically.
"Can't you forgive me? I already apologized so many times." She added, both tired, and exasperated. Hoping that months of pleading after their breakup was enough to pursue Aiah into going back with her.
That earned a scoff from the brown-haired woman.
"Sorry na naman, oh God, tabangi ako. Pasayloa… wala ka na bang ibang alam na salita sa vocabulary mo?” The latter, now fuming with range.
“Sorry but I will do it again, yeah?” Aiah, who’s so used to what her ex always does, pointed out.
“Because you kept turning the tables on me! I'm the victim, but it feels like I'm the one who looks guilty. You made the people around us so naive to the point that they became blinded from the reality.”
Next was silence that punctuated. But, it's no longer like the old peaceful silence when they're with each other. It's not like it used to be. Now it's raw, heavy, and suffocating. It was broken once again by the taller woman’s voice.
“Maybe you really did apologize, maybe you really said you're sorry, but you don't even know what you are apologizing for! I don't even know if you mean it…” The brown-haired girl trailed. Voice lace with exhaustion, cracking.
"I am sorry, for everything I've done to you." The red-haired clarified.
“Specify, Lim. Does being sorry for everything mean you apologize for cheating on me with Stacey. Does apologizing for everything mean being sorry for twisting the knife at me, spreading lies that I am the one who cheated? B-”
“Hindi ba, Aiah? Am I wrong, you really didn't really cheat?” Mikha, who had been quiet and listening, interrupted. Now, with a voice clearer, husky. The infuriation that she's been trying so hard not to show finally reached its point.
Aiah was surprised with the sudden blow-out, but she tried to regain her composure.
“Shut i-”
“Shut you! By all means, you know what happened, Ai. You fucking slut. A whore, s-”
A loud sound of skin-hitting-skin was heard in the area. Mikha turned to caress her cheeks which received a slap from her ex. Eyes wide and fuming with rage, she turned her gaze to Aiah. The air hung heavy with unspoken words, then, the silence punctuated before the latter spoke.
“Ako na naman. You don't get to tell me everything without you witnessing it firsthand a-”
Aiah was interrupted when the red-haired harshly grabbed her wrist.
“You bitch, how dare you hit me?!” Mikha looked like she had lost her sanity as she glared at the woman in front of her angrily.
“Lim, you are hurting me!” Aiah announced, trying to pull away from the other woman’s grasp.
“Shit, I’m sorry Ai. I didn't mean to.” The younger woman muttered as she let go, her hands slowly trembling after realizing what she did to the woman she promised she’d never lay a hand into.
Aiah looked at her, confused and scared. Confused as if she's looking at a version of Mikha she never knows she'll see. Scared because she no longer feels safe in the hold of her ex-girlfriend.
“I don't know you anymore.” She whispered, holding her wrist which is a bit red with her other hand. Looking at the woman she no longer recognizes.
Mikha continued to mutter apologies while ruffling her hair and smacking her head in frustration. Aiah just looked at her, lips trembling, eyes filled with tears, nose red as her wrist.
“Lim, please set me free? Will you, for me?” The brown-haired girl, breaking the silence. Begging.
“You've hurted me before, you still do. I am tired of trying to mend myself.” She whispered, voice barely a breath.
Mikha looked at her as if the hope that she’d been carrying ever since, finally became dimmed by the weight of reality—of her beloved’s words.
“And you know what hurts the most?” Aiah added, locking eyes with the shorter one.
"You know my fears,”
The older woman exhaled before continuing.
“You know every one of them. You know I am terrified of thunder and lightning, so every time a storm rolled in, you'd drive to my condo, just to be with me. Astropobhia. You knew it by name, and you never let me face it without you.” She smiled, reminiscing about the once romantic love she shared with the woman before everything became a mess.
“Kahit nga ni patak ng ulan, ayaw mo akong maambunan.” She chuckled, genuinely. Remembering how the supposed “nonchalant and cool” read-haired girl becomes overreacting and exaggerating when it comes to her.
“Do you remember the time when Jho and I forgot our umbrellas? Sakitin si Jho, you are friends with her even before we’ve known each other, pero binigay mo sa’kin ‘yung payong mo because sabi mo, mas importante ako.” She added.
Aiah sniffed, her features soften—knowing sadly that those memories will never happen again.
"You know I'm nyctophobic, the way it would grip me in the dark, especially when I was alone. Kuwento ko pa no'n, I was traumatized when my brother locked me up in a closet for fun when dad and mom were away. Ako, hindi makakibo dahil sa takot.” She added, memories flashing back as if it happened just yesterday because to this day, she still carries the childhood trauma vividly.
“Kaya nangako ka, hindi ko na ulit mararamdaman ‘yung takot na ‘yun.” She declared.
“Power outages? You'd be at my door in minutes. Tenebrous alleys? A FaceTime call, you'll answer it immediately with just one ring. Late nights at school due to some projects or practices? You'd wait, patiently, just to walk with me through the empty, unlit hallways." Said Aiah. Once again, every single and distant memory from the past came flooding back—how the Mikha back then was so ideal.
"That's why I thought knowing me means loving me. Loving me means trusting me…” Aiah trailed, tears continue to fall.
“Because when it comes to me, knowing you more doesn't make me love you a little less, kasi sa ipinakita mo, mas minahal kita…”
With that statement, Mikha could no longer hold her emotions for any longer. Sobs and sniffs filled the air of the road near Aiah's condominium building.
“You waited for me for months just to allow you to court me, you waited for me for years just to allow you to have me. And when you have me, you promise not to let me go.” The older woman now avoided Mikha’s gaze. Looking at the rough floor.
“That's why I thought since you stayed sa mga maliliit na bagay man o malaki, hindi ka magbabago,” Said Aiah.
“Sabi mo pa mga, relationship should be built with trust, pero bakit trust issue ang nakuha ko? Bakit dahil sobra ang pagtitiwala ko, nagawa mong magloko?” The latter questioned, now turning her gaze back at her ex.
“Tinatanong ko pa sarili ko, am I not enough? But now, I have a theory. You stayed long enough to love me, but hell, it took you just a night to completely ruin me."
A beat of silence.
"So there's a question that's been lingering on my mind since you left.” She smiled, although it's hollow. She forced herself not to cut the eye contact she has with the red-haired.
"Why did you do all of that? Why did you go to such lengths to protect me from the darkness, from the storms, from the things that scares me? Why?” She questioned.
“Aiah…” Mikha whispered, as if she's an empath.
"Why when in the end,” She paused, finding the right words. Remembering the exact location and calamity when her ex lover who was once her shelter, became the storm.
“In all the damn places on the Earth, or in whatever the weather is…” she continued.
“Why did you suddenly leave me on an empty road, on a stormy and moonless night?”
The silence stretched, a chasm of unanswered questions, a haunting reminder of the love that had been lost, and the fear that now consumed the brown-haired.
"Aiah…”
"Lim, bakit? Bakit, kung alam mo rin na ang lokohin at iwanan mo ako ang pinaka kinatatakutan ko sa lahat?"
"Aiah, I’m sorry. I di-” Before Mikha could finish what she was going to say, Aiah turned around again and started walking towards the condominium building. Her heels clicking on the pavement, steps were heavy.
Mikha immediately moves to catch up with the lady. When she caught up, she didn't miss a beat to take the woman's hand, not letting her go.
The red-haired hear a sharp exhale as the woman she loves looks at her, eyes exhausted.
"Let go." Aiah commanded, her voice weaker than she had intended.
"Wala na ba talaga?" The younger one asked, eyes full of dimming hope.
"Alis na." The older one ordered.
"Ai..." Said Mikha as she started to kneel in front of Aiah. She took both of the latter's hands—eyes pleading.
"Tumayo ka d’yan."
"Just please answer it, last na ‘to."
Aiah closed her eyes for a brief moment, stopping herself from giving away again. She shouldn't. She was once fooled with this kind of gesture by the younger, she can't let it make her look stupid twice.
"You already lost me since the night you made me feel like I'm easy to let go of.” Finally finding the right words to say, Aiah declared.
Mikha sadly smiled, she slowly stood up. A tear escaped from her eye but she quickly wiped it with the back of her hands, hoping that Aiah did not see it—but the latter did. And that almost made the older one resolve weaker, that almost made her lower her wall. Almost.
"Okay, alright.” The red-head smile, nodding in understanding. However, deep inside—the nod was more crucial just to convince herself that it's alright.
Aiah glanced at her for the last time as she turned her back again to walk away, but Mikha had other plans.
“Ai.” The latter called.
Aiah faces her again.
“I want you to know something. I just want you to be aware that I don't call you Ai instead of babi because Ai means love in Japanese.” The younger one announced.
Aiah's lips became ajar, tears now overflowing.
“I had loved you, Ai. I still do. I hope it has reached in every possible way. Goodbye.” Mikha smiled for the last time before turning her back to the older one, walking away. She couldn't bear to glance again because she might not be able to leave completely.
That's a goodbye, but Aiah remained standing even though she promised herself that if she had the chance to see Mikha again, she would be the one to walk out. She would be the one to leave. She had failed to make Mikha taste her own medicine.
To say that she was wrecked the first time the latter left her is to limit what she felt. However, she never realized that being left the second time could kill—until now.
In the same phase, again. In darkness, with rain drops hinting to spill any minute, with thunders threatening to make some noise any seconds—and with lightning looming to strike,
She still stood still there, staring into nothing.
Because how can she just leave if Mikha had just confessed something to her that she thought the former never made her feel before?
She can't. The woman who was raised to always know the next step was trying to find an instruction of what to do next.
Lonely. Hesitant. Uncertain.
It's indeed uncertain how someone can turn your perception of what's ahead.
It's uncertain when it comes to love.
Because to be honest, both of them tried.
Both of them are trying…
Like two people doing their best to shield each other from a fire, using wooden planks but ended up fueling the flame and scorching one another.
They were so sure they knew each other so well, but ended up not truly knowing anything.
They were so sure that their love and knowledge would be enough, but those were just used to become a coping mechanism to the trauma response they have.
They were so sure…
But they became uncertain.
Uncertain.
Because…
No one truly knows one.
No one knows what really happened.
No one knows who's really at fault.
Not even one truth.
Not even one fact.
Not even a real thing.
No one knows that:
Maybe Mikha really didn't cheat.
.
.
.
And, maybe Aiah is the who one who really did.
.
.
.
Or maybe they both did.
However,
Aiah is certain about one thing, at least.
Certain, because that's what her stubborn pride wants to acknowledge.
Certain, because that's what she named it to convince herself.
Certain, because that's what she actually felt.
Certain that…
In knowing her,
You’ll taste her deepest fears.
And…
In knowing Mikha,
She'll know exactly how to savour them.
However, at last...
Maybe Aiah still needs to take the blame.
Because her mind keeps reminding her one thing: She laid herself bare,
“I taught her my fears.”
They say to be loved is to be known.
However, is it still love if they started weaponizing what they know about you, against you?
Or maybe it's your fault, because you gave them the weapon.
But maybe none of this matters, because true knowing was never on the table.
You'll realize that those who are closest to to you—the ones who knows you best—are the ones who can hurt you the most. Since they know where it actually hurts.
But it's not about betrayal or blame anymore.
It's about the gap between two people who thought they were close but never actually reached each other.
Maybe, it's about another question...
Aiah who still stood still near the her condominium building.
In the middle of nowhere, her thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of a phone. Her sling bag is vibrating.
It took her a minute to gain awareness and slowly unzipped the bag. Picking up the phone. But, for another second, she’s hesitant to pick it up.
Caller’s name: Jho.
She inhaled, swiped the screen to the right to answer the call, and slowly brought the phone near her ear.
“Saan ka? Shet, I miss you. Dating gawi, ha? Punta ka rito sa condo habang wala si Staks. Bilis.”
The call ended.
.
.
.
.
another question...
which is...
.
.
.
In a world full of people you don't really know, can you still trust anyone?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Even yourself?