Work Text:
"Batman, our encounter with Hood a few weeks ago. Do you remember?" Wonder Woman brought up during their weekly briefing, leaning against the polished obsidian table of the Watchtower.
"Yes. Why do you ask?" Batman grunted, his posture instantly stiffening. His mind immediately began thinking of the possible international incidents, or minor felonies his estranged adoptive son might have committed this time.
"He hasn’t submitted his mission report," Wonder Woman pointed out, offering a calm, knowing smile. "Perhaps we should call him and ask." She suggested it with a tone that made it clear she knew Batman wouldn't and couldn't refuse.
Batman did nothing but grunt a low response before sweeping his cape back and marching over to the League’s massive central computer. With a few heavy keystrokes, he patched a secure line through to Red Hood.
The line rang. And rang. And rang.
"Geez, what’s taking this guy so long?" Flash groaned, slumping back in his chair and tapping his foot at super-speed. "I want this meeting to be over with so I can actually make it to my date on time."
The call finally connected with a loud crackle of static, but what burst onto the monitor was absolutely not what the Justice League expected.
"BODY ROCK, GIRL I CAN FEEL YOUR BODY ROCK AY AY AY!"
Jason’s voice blared through the speakers, happily belting out lyrics at the top of his lungs. The camera feed was a chaotic blur. Jason was dual-wielding his pistols, rhythmically firing rounds into a horde of snarling, multi-limbed extraterrestrials. In the background, the distinct, sleek architecture of Starfire's Tamaranean ship was visible, though it was currently taking a heavy beating.
"This song is peak combat efficiency!" Kori’s voice echoed over the gunfire. She flew across the upper frame, eyes glowing bright green as she blasted an alien into oblivion. She looked thoroughly delighted. "This melody greatly enhances team morale!"
"CAN YOU GUYS FOCUS ON THE ALIENS THAT ACTUALLY WANT TO KILL US?!" Roy yelled from the lower corner of the screen. He was covered in grease, frantically trying to rewire the ship's exposed engine panel with one hand while using his free hand to stab a stray alien with a stray arrow.
"Bizarro hate catchy music!" Bizarro roared cheerfully, throwing a massive alien into a bulkhead with a gleeful, contradictory smile on his face. (He says the opposite of what he means for some of y'all who don't know)
"Enough with the pop music already, this isn't a concert!" Artemis scolded. She swung her massive battleaxe in a devastating arc, cleaving through a line of attackers before retreating a step and charging a fresh wave.
"But it is most pleasing to the ears!" Kori insisted, plummeting down to ground-pound another hostile.
"CAUSE ALLLL I NEEEEDDD IS A BEAUTY AND A BEAT WHO CAN MAKE LIFE COMPLETEEEE!" Jason continued to sing, completely in his own world, executing a flawless spin-kick and blasting another alien's brains out without a single care in the universe.
Back on the Watchtower, the Justice League watched the monitor in dead silence. No one knew what to say, what to do, or if they should even bother offering tactical aid. Barry and Hal, per usual, were quietly having the time of their lives, thoroughly enjoying the live-action space opera because it was infinitely more entertaining than Batman's spreadsheets.
Finally, it was Batman who broke the stunned quiet.
"Hood!" Batman barked.
The booming command seemed to snap Jason out of his musical trance. He skidded to a halt, kicking an alien corpse away, and looked directly into the camera feed. The white lenses of his helmet squinted slightly, a universal sign that he was grinning like an idiot underneath the mask.
"Heyyy, B!" Jason waved casually, leaning against a smoking console as if he wasn't currently in a do-or-die skirmish in the dark voids of space.
"B...?" Superman repeated blankly, turning his head to stare at Batman. The Man of Steel's brain stalled trying to process the overly familiar, almost affectionate nickname coming out of a rogue vigilante's mouth toward the Dark Knight.
"Hood. Report." Batman completely ignored Superman’s questioning gaze, keeping his eyes locked on the screen.
"Uhhh, currently off worlding" Hood said, casually reloading his clips while turning his attention to the League. "Kori's ship is kinda broken, and now we're fighting crazy killer aliens because we somehow pissed them off."
"..." Batman remained silent, his stoic facade masking the briefest moment of utter exasperation. Before he could find the words to lecture him, his sharp eyes caught a massive, armored alien lunging from the shadows directly behind the youth.
"Hood, six o'clock!" Batman barked, a rare, genuine note of panic slipping into his voice.
"Huh?" Hood spun on his heel with lightning reflexes, bringing his barrel up and putting a round right between the alien's eyes. The creature collapsed in a heap.
Jason turned back to the camera, tilting his head dramatically. "Awww, B! You do care!"
To the absolute horror and amazement of Flash, Batman’s rigid expression actually seemed to soften. The harsh line of his jaw relaxed, and his shoulders dropped just a fraction.
"Of course I care," Batman said softly.
Barry pinched himself, fully convinced he was experiencing a vivid hallucination brought on by low blood sugar. His brain was completely malfunctioning. Did Batman just use a gentle voice? In public?!
"Yeah, yeah, don't get sappy with me, old man," Hood chuckled, his tone shifting into something fond but childish. "Gotta run! Save me some of Agent A's cookies!"
With a sloppy two-finger salute, the screen abruptly cut to static. Hood had hung up on the Justice League.
Meeting Adjourned
The silence in the monitor room was deafening.
"..."
"..."
"So.." Barry finally started, raising a finger to break the tension.
"No. Meeting concluded," Batman snapped, his icy, unapproachable demeanor slamming right back into place. He spun around, his cape whipping through the air as he made a swift, aggressive beeline toward the zeta tubes.
"C'mon! Not even a single explanation?!" Barry exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air.
But it was entirely too late. The computerized hum of the teleporter chimed, and Batman vanished into thin air, leaving the world's greatest heroes standing in utter bewilderment.