Chapter Text
Ilya walked into Galina’s office and she knew straight away something was wrong. His eyes were sunken, dark and emotionless, his usual welcome chirp was nothing more than a “hello” as he stepped through the door and he sat rigid and stiff on her couch.
She waited and gave him a chance to start the conversation, but when that never came she realised his session was going to require a lot of prompting.
“So Ilya, how has everything been this week?” Galina queried.
“Fine”. It was short and sharp, cutting through the quiet therapy room.
“Okay, how has work been this week? I saw Ottawa won this past week?”
“Yes - was good game, played hard, won hard. Team did well.”
Galina realised this may be an easier conversation if they switched to Russian, so her next line of questioning got a bit more direct.
“Are you wanting to speak about what your brain is telling you at the moment, Ilya? I can see something is wrong. Has something happened this past week that has upset you? Is everything okay at home?”
“No, nothing is wrong at home. Everything is perfect - Shane is perfect, team is perfect, Anya is perfect. What do you want me to say?”
Galina sat and watched Ilya, giving him a chance to fill the silence himself. And he did. It never took long in their session for Ilya to open up once they started speaking in their native tongue.
“I don’t know what is wrong with me. Everything is going well. I am married to beautiful, hot hockey player husband. I am captain of team that is going to playoffs and who love and support me. I have big house, lots of money, very talented and happy. I am so happy…”
There was a pause that hung in the air, thick and heavy.
“But I am always so sad” Ilya choked out, suddenly it was like a damn had broken and his body sobbed, elbows on his knees and head in his hands.
Galina let him cry, offering a tissue and waiting for the emotional release to pass. It was clear that their session was going to be a long one and she thanked the stars that her afternoon was free. It was no common for Ilya to get to this point before discussing it with her or Shane, but whatever was going on he had clearly been hiding and holding close to himself for a while.
“Ilya”, Galina finally addressed him after the initial emotional release subsided, “I am proud of you for coming to see me today.”
“I was here last week, what do you mean?”
“Yes, and last week we laughed and joked and you told me you were taking your medication and that everything was fine. Were you telling me the whole story last week Ilya? Or were you trying to cover whatever has clearly been going on internally?” Galina was used to calling Ilya out on his ability to cover his emotions - but honestly after their last session she would have said that he was on the right path. So this had come as a shock to her as well.
Ilya waited, she could see the internal battle going on inside his mind, trying to decide whether or not he should admit just how long he had truely been feeling so, so low. He could hide it from Shane - Shane made him happy and made the internal noise quiet. He could hide it from the team - he was playing hockey and the adrenaline always helped his mood. But was it worth hiding it from Galina?
“I have been thinking about suicide for the last 5 weeks.” Ilya said emotionlessly. If he was going to have this conversation he was not going to cry.
Galina made some notes before looking at Ilya, finding him curled in on himself on the couch, looking small and vulnerable considering his overall size.
“Okay”, Galina said simply, “I do not think you have, but I am required to check. Have you hurt yourself at all or attempted to hurt yourself, Ilya?”
“No.” Ilya said quickly. “I would not do that to Shane”.
“Okay, I am glad that you have a reason to fight, but I would like to start working on the reason being that you do not want to do for yourself, and not because of how it would upset Shane. But for now, if Shane is your reason to keep fighting, we will work with what we have.”
Ilya wiped the remaining tears off of his cheek with the back of his hand, took a deep breath and met Galina’s eyes.
“It feels like I am fake. Living fake life but also it is my life, so I am confused. Hockey is a lot, lots of pressure, lots of attention - I love attention but I just want to be small, to hide, to be at home with my Shane and my Anya and to just exist there. Not exist for everyone else.”
Galina finished her notes, realising that she needed time to create a new mental health plan with Ilya’s psychiatrist to re-assess his medication. She put his file away, took his hands in hers and with direct eye contact said
“Ilya, I think it is time for you to be selfish. It is time for a break”.
.
.
.
Ilya wasn't sure how long he sat in his car outside of Galina's office. He could hear the buzz of his phone ringing, he knew it was Shane calling to see where he was, but the list in his hands felt too heavy to put down.
Galina had sent him home with a game plan. Instructions on how he was going to get through the next week before he saw her again, and a to do list for the next 24 hours.
1. Get home to Shane, tell him you are not doing well but that Galina is aware and he has no plan to hurt himself.
2. Contact Coach - plan for a two week absence but advise that it could take longer.
3. Shower.
4. Change bed sheets (or see if Shane has, he probably already had)
5. Eat and Sleep.
The list seemed simple, achievable - something that he could get through with minimal fall out. He was tired and felt like his head may explode from the pressure of the headache he brought on from such heavy sobs.
Ilya eventually started the car, he had tasks to complete and his Shane to get home to. He grabbed his phone and quickly text Shane
"I am okay, I am coming home, see you soon"
Shane replied simply and quickly, "I love you".
.
.
.
Ilya walked through the doors to their home and felt a small part of his soul come back. He could smell dinner - salmon and greens, but he didn't have the energy to fight Shane on adding a carb to the dish. He dropped his bag on the floor, set his game plan from Galina on the table and sat down, quietly preparing himself to explain what was happening to his husband.
He didn't need to though, it was like Shane knew.
He came downstairs quickly after hearing the door closed, dressed in Ilya's clothes and looked so comfortable and soft. He saw Ilya's face and went to him, scooting his chair back, climbing into his lap and and wrapping himself around Ilya's body. He knew pressure helped him feel grounded, so it must work a little for Ilya?
"Hi" Shane said softly.
"Hi", Ilya replied. He felt a heavy tear leave slide down his cheek and immediately cursed the betrayal of his body. He was prepared to be brave and strong and give Shane the facts with no emotion, but clearly his eyes had other plans.
Shane kissed away his tears as they fell, slowly rocked him as they sat together on a dining room chair and allowed his husband to cry.
He had known something was wrong for the last few weeks. Ilya was his usual jovial self, making the team laugh, fucking him into oblivion every night and being a loving, doting partner. But he was catching him more and more staring off into the distance until his attention was caught by someone and he was brought back into the conversation. Shane had asked Ilya multiple times if he was okay, but Ilya - as always, dismissed Shane's concerns and brushed them off as just being tired from how intense the season had been.
Shane knew he was going to therapy, installing Life 360 on each other's phones turned out to be a blessing even though the team joked it was like they were stalking each other. He knew he was at her office at his scheduled time, and he had not received a call from Galina as his emergency contact saying that Ilya was missing sessions (that had happened when he first started going). So he didn't push. He didn't question the silent moments when Ilya did not want to tell him what was really going on, and let him lose himself in Shane every night because he knew that he could at least sooth a small part of his worry that way.
Ilya stirred and started to pepper kisses along Shane's jaw, trying to distract him, pretend that he just needed to cry and now he was better. But then Ilya saw that Shane had picked up his list and was reading it over his shoulder.
"We don't need to talk about it tonight, my love." Shane whispered to Ilya, stroking his back up and into his hair. "I am so proud of you for telling Galina, and I know when you are ready you will tell me. The only thing I ask is that when you need me, you let me be there".
Ilya cried again, he had never cried so much and for so long, but it felt like someone had pressed a release button and everything just kept flooding out. Shane, the perfect man that he was, held him through it and did not complain at how soaked his shirt was. Ilya knew the sensation of wet cotton was bound to be driving him up the wall, but he knew Shane was pushing through it just for him.
"Okay, so task one is done. I know you are not okay. Let's move on to the other's now yes?" Shane was nothing if not his Mother's son. He loved a plan, so Ilya knew he would take it upon himself to make sure this plan was perfectly executed.
"What would you like to do first? Call Wiebe? Or would you like to shower and eat to freshen up a bit first before we get to that?"
"Shower. Need to wash away sad" Ilya replied. His voice was hoarse and Shane could still hear the tears lingering, but was ecstatic to hear his husband voice for the first time that afternoon.
"Alright, let's go. I will get you as fresh as a daisy in no time"
"Fresh as daisy? Shane I do not want to smell like garden."
Shane laughed, explained it was just a saying then slowly dragged Ilya from the chair and up the stairs to their bedroom. He carefully stripped Ilya of his clothes, kissing his shoulder, his back, his chest, his hip as he went, but there was no sexual desire in his kisses. It was his way of pouring every ounce of love that he could into his husband. Shane turned on the water, got it to a good temperature that was hot enough to soothe but not to burn and guided Ilya under the stream. He quickly stripped his clothes and joined him, grabbing his body wash (that did not smell like garden) and started methodically scrubbing his husband's body. He washed his hair, double shampoo so Ilya got an extra head massage, then once he was finished he quickly scrubbed his own body and switched the shower off.
Shane grabbed the fluffiest towel from the cupboard, wrapped Ilya up in it and grabbed his hand to go back into the bedroom. He grabbed out a paid of Ilya's boxers and one of his shirts that he knew Ilya loved because it 'smells like Shane' and dressed him before pulling back the covers and getting Ilya into bed. He turned on the TV, put on Fast and Furious and once Ilya was comfortable and as he was about to walk downstairs he turned to Ilya and said:
"I'll be back in a few minutes, going to get our dinner and bring it up here, okay? Feels like a good day to break the 'no eating in bed' rule I think"
Shane had ordered Uber Eats while sitting in Ilya's lap earlier, he knew Ilya wouldn't want his healthy meal that was sitting in the oven keeping warm. It was waiting at the front of their door just as Shane went to open it, he grabbed the bag - placed their meals on the plates and rushed back upstairs.
Ilya was awake, watching the movies but still seemed a bit out of it. He turned and saw Shane with the plates and went to get up to help but Shane simply shook his head and told him that he was okay! He placed Ilya's plate in front of him with a can of Coke and got into bed next to him with his own meal.
Ilya looked down and was shocked to see a Big Mac, large fries and an M&M McFlurry sitting on his plate. He looked to Shane's plate and saw the salmon and greens he expected to be eating, and when he met Shane's eyes he could feel the tears coming back. Shane panicked, seeing the edge Ilya was about to fall off again
"Ilya what is wrong? I thought maybe you would like McDonald's instead of my dinner as I know it's your favourite and I just wanted you to be comfortable and full and I know that you will eat all of this and-"
"You are too good to me." Ilya interrupted Shane's spiral. "I do not deserve you or McDonalds"
Shane grabbed his hand, gave it a squeeze and leant over to kiss Ilya's cheek.
"You deserve more than I could ever try to give you. I love you and I will feed you McDonalds every day if it makes you happy, Ilya. I won't eat it, so don't ask me to do that, but I will buy it for you whenever you want if it means you eat and have joy".
Ilya smirked through his tears, "seeing you eat a Big Mac would make me very happy though.." and Shane felt relief knowing that Ilya's cheek was still there, even though it was buried deep at the moment. He leant over, took a bite of the burger in Ilya's hands and spoke while chewing "it's a good thing I love you so much because I don't think I would put that in my body for anyone else"
Ilya looked at Shane, he took a bite of his burger and they sat in silence eating dinner and watching the movie. Ilya knew Shane was watching him, analysing his face and trying to figure out what was going on inside his head, so he leant over, kissed Shane rested his head against his shoulder.
"Ya tebya lyublyu" Ilya whispered, "I am sorry"
Shane kissed the top of Ilya's head, gathered their plates and put them to the side before moving them both to lay down in bed.
"No sorries, Ilya. I love you and we will figure this out, okay?"
"Okay"