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It was at the end of a long day of travel that Kakyoin finally found himself alone in his hotel room. There hadn't been many moments for complete privacy during this journey towards Egypt. Not that Kakyoin minded, really: it was nice to for once be surrounded by people, fellow Stand users no less. It still boggled the mind for Kakyoin that with them, he wasn't just a freak, that these people understood, and Kakyoin didn't have to hide who he was in this company.
Or at least, he didn't have to hide everything. But having a Stand wasn't the only secret Kakyoin had. As for the secret he still kept... Kakyoin wasn't about to risk the only friends he'd made in his life by letting them know.
Besides, it's not like they had to know, right? It's not like Kakyoin was lying, anyway. He was Noriaki Kakyoin, 17-years-old, a model student with an affinity for the arts and an unorthodox way of eating cherries. He liked sumo, and wore his student uniform outside without exception. Anything beyond that, it wasn't anyone's business but his own.
Although, speaking of what was under his uniform...
Kakyoin winced as the sharp pain in his ribs reminded him of why he'd sent Jotaro away to get this rare moment alone. It really was lucky Jotaro hadn't questioned it when Kakyoin had asked him to go look for a specific brand of soft drink that Kakyoin had made sure would be uncommon enough around these parts that Jotaro would need to take his time looking for it. A part of Kakyoin felt bad for sending his friend on a wild goose chase, but the pain that Kakyoin had barely kept from showing on his face for the past hour had to be a good enough reason, right?
Even so, Kakyoin hesitated before undressing his upper body. Even when knowing his body needed this, if not for himself, then to keep himself in good health so as to be of use to the others during their travel to Egypt, it never was easy. To take off his clothes and see the physical proof that his body would never be what he would picture in his mind every time he closed his eyes. Kakyoin could hide it with clothing all he liked, but in the end, the truth underneath would come crawling back, and hurt all the more each and every time.
But there was no delaying the inevitable, and knowing he had to be done before Jotaro got back, Kakyoin steeled himself. He quickly unbuttoned his shirt, taking it off and laying it next to himself on the bed. Now it was just the binder around his chest, and Kakyoin took a deep breath, feeling the aching of his side during both the inhale and exhale. He'd never been good at sticking to the rule of only wearing his binder for eight hours at a time, but he'd been especially bad about it during this trip, and he could definitely feel it. But as much as the thought of taking the binder off repulsed him, Kakyoin knew he'd have to take it off and let his body rest.
And so, although his gut convulsed with discomfort every step of the way, Kakyoin pulled off his binder, whimpering as he felt the weight of the disgusting fat lumps more commonly known as breasts tugging at his spine. He didn't have to look down – he rarely could stomach to do so – to know wearing the binder for so long without a break had left its marks. Every second as he'd taken off the binder had had his ribs shrieking in pain, his muscles desperately begging for relief after being constrained for so long. Kakyoin sighed. If he didn't hate the sight of his body so much, maybe he would have the willpower not to let it get to this point time and time again. But he did, and he didn't, and this was simply the price he paid for choosing this as his lesser evil.
Still not looking at his chest, Kakyoin reached for the tube of anti-inflammatory cream he had with him for cases like these, spreading it over his ribs and chest to ease the worst of the aching. Touching his chest was the worst part, even worse than the pain – but when he closed his eyes, Kakyoin could pretend the soft flesh between his fingers wasn't part of his own body, and imagine what it would be like to touch a woman's breasts instead. It was a ridiculous delusion, he knew, but better than accepting that these breasts were a part of his body. They should never have grown there. Every moment of his puberty as his body had grown further and further from his mental image of himself had been pure torture. There was a reason why physical pain from wearing a binder for too long was, to a point, preferable to having to face his own body. The only silver lining was that in his absolute disgust at his own body, Kakyoin had developed his methods for quelling the pain back to tolerable as quickly as possible.
After applying the cream, as he waited for it to take effect, Kakyoin stood up, and began going through his routine of stretches to encourage blood flow to his upper body. Usually it only took 20 to 30 minutes for him to have stretched his body enough for him to put on somewhat looser binder that he'd wear during the nights. Logically, Kakyoin knew that sleeping with a binder on was a huge no-no, and at home he could more or less will himself to sleep without one, but... Right now, he was sharing a room with Jotaro. And the idea of anyone, but especially Jotaro, finding out that Kakyoin wasn't born male filled Kakyoin with such terror it felt like his lungs would cease functioning. And every moment Kakyoin was without a binder near Jotaro was a risk of getting exposed. Sure, Kakyoin could have requested his own room, he was sure Mr. Joestar could afford it. It would certainly have made it easier to keep his secret. But this was the first time Kakyoin had had a friend that he could talk to until the wee hours of the night as they drifted to sleep. The comfort and peace Kakyoin got just from knowing that Jotaro was an arm's reach away was something Kakyoin could never even have dreamed of. So to now have this chance... When Kakyoin thought about it, it's not like he had any guarantees he'd come out of this trip alive, considering what a foe DIO was. So if these were to be his last days, did it really make sense to give up these chances to spend more time with his friend? And for what, on the off-chance that binding for more than optimal could maybe possibly have some negative effects on his body in the long-term? It was just fifty days, anyway. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn't long at all. Kakyoin's shitty dysphoria riddled body would just have to suck it up. So long as no one had to find out about what Kakyoin really was underneath his layers of clothing, he didn't really care about anything else.
Kakyoin was so focused on going through his routine of stretches that he didn't hear when the door was opened behind himself.
- I'm back. Geez, pick a more obscure brand of soda why don't y—-
Jotaro's voice trailed off as Kakyoin, in utter panic, rushed to grab the shirt he'd left on his bed. Heart pounding in what could best be described as honest-to-god terror, Kakyoin pulled the shirt over his chest, but from Jotaro's wide-eyed expression, Kakyoin knew it was too late. Jotaro had seen enough to know now.
Air barely entered Kakyoin's lungs as he breathed frantically, staring at Jotaro and trying to think of something, anything to say. But there was nothing that could explain away the situation. Men didn't have breasts, it was as simple as that. All the effort, all the sacrifices that Kakyoin had made to keep his birth sex a secret so that for once in his life he could be treated as a man, had all been for nothing. The thought of what might come next, of what the stupefaction on Jotaro's face would turn into, scared Kakyoin more than words could describe.
- It's not what it looks like! Kakyoin cried out, unconvincing, desperate, because he just needed to say something to try to regain control, to at least try not to have his first friend be utterly disgusted with him. - It's not... I swear I can explain!
- What? Jotaro looked to snap out of his daze, letting the grocery bag in his hand fall to the floor as he took a step closer. - Wait, Kakyoin---
- It's not what you think! Kakyoin shrieked, reflexively taking a step back. He was very aware that the window behind the drawn curtains was a functional exit route, and the fact that it even felt like an option tipped Kakyoin's breathing over into hyperventilation. - I'm not... It's not...
The words were stopped by the clump in his throat as tear welled in Kakyoin's eyes. This couldn't be happening. Why? Wasn't it enough to curse him with a body he hadn't asked for, to have him live a childhood of no friends? Why did he have to have his secret exposed in the most humiliating way, just when Kakyoin was finally thinking that he could find friends and a degree of acceptance? What would the others think once Jotaro told them? Would they laugh, kick him out, yell at him for being such a liar, or---
Jotaro quickly walked over, and Kakyoin winced when he saw Jotaro raise his hand. Clenching his eyes shut, Kakyoin retreated until his back hit the wall, where he slumped to the floor, hands still protectively over his chest. Whatever Jotaro would do next – insult, yell, or worse – at least Kakyoin didn't want to watch it happen.
- I'm sorry... Kakyoin whispered, even when he wasn't sure if he was apologising for lying about his sex or for his existence. - I didn't mean to---
- Man, get a grip!
Kakyoin winced when he felt Jotaro's hand on his shoulder, but a gentle touch in this situation was the last thing Kakyoin would have expected. It was surprising enough that even amidst his panicked breathing, Kakyoin peeked his eyes open, and when seeing Jotaro, Kakyoin was not met with any of the worst case scenarios he'd feared. Mostly, Jotaro was just looking really confused, maybe a little uncomfortable, or... concerned...?
- Look, Kakyoin, it doesn't matter, okay? Jotaro said. His voice was a bit strained, like he was at a loss, but after scrunching his nose in rapid thought, he carried on. - Listen, you'll always be Noriaki Kakyoin to me, alright? You're the guy who's risking his life to help save my family. You're my friend. That's the stuff that matters, not---
Jotaro sighed, gesturing his other hand at the general direction of Kakyoin's chest.
- Whatever is going on here, Jotaro said, and by then, some of his trademark nonchalance had returned to him. - Good grief... Like I'd be so ignorant and superficial as to...
- You don't hate me? Kakyoin rasped from between ragged breaths, and Jotaro's eyes shot wide again.
- No? Jotaro sounded even a bit offended. - Why would I ever--- Do I really come off as someone who would---?!
He sighed, and rubbed his hand against Kakyoin's shoulder. The touch was both warm and comforting.
- Breathe, Kakyoin, breathe, Jotaro said, averting his gaze a little. - You're safe, okay?
It took a good long while for the words to register, for Kakyoin to force himself to breathe more slowly, in, and out. His head was spinning, mouth hanging ajar as the adrenaline kept coursing in his veins. Because it couldn't be this easy, right? Kakyoin had subconsciously feared being discovered for so long, had so many nightmares about what would happen, it couldn't be as simple as it just... being no big deal? For Jotaro to find out that surprise, the guy he'd been sharing a room with wasn't a biological guy after all, and for him to just... change nothing about how he saw Kakyoin? When Jotaro slowly got up and turned away, for a moment, Kakyoin thought his fears would be validated after all, but Jotaro just went back to the grocery bag as he took out a bottle of water.
- Here, you should drink a little, Jotaro said, returning and reaching the bottle towards Kakyoin. - And I should probably look away while you get dressed, right? Not that it's a big deal for me seeing another guy shirtless, but whatever's more comfortable for you...
It was the deadpan delivery that finally convinced Kakyoin of Jotaro's sincerity. Kakyoin's hands were shaking as he took the bottle of water, too much to get the thing open, especially when he was still holding up his shirt to cover his chest. But even without being asked to, Jotaro was quick to open the bottle for him, and it was the silent attentiveness that slowly began to calm Kakyoin down as he took the next several minutes to ground himself.
In the end, Kakyoin and Jotaro ended up sitting next to one other by the wall, with a thick towel wrapped around Kakyoin's chest while his upper body still recovered from being bound for too long. Now that Kakyoin was no longer actively panicking, he found himself confused. Jotaro looked like he would have been more than fine just letting things drop and move on, and that was exactly what made Kakyoin feel like they couldn't just yet.
- You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to, Jotaro said, likely keenly aware of Kakyoin's lingering apprehension. - Like I said, this changes nothing for me.
- But what if I want to? Kakyoin asked.
Jotaro looked about as surprised as Kakyoin himself felt. Just a few minutes ago, the thought of telling someone about this had felt like a fate comparable to death. But Jotaro reacting the way he had, the acceptance, the validation, it was beyond Kakyoin's wildest dreams. If it really was okay for Jotaro that Kakyoin be himself, with no secrets... Then, Kakyoin wanted to know what it would be like, to have a friend from whom he had to hide nothing.
If Jotaro wanted the same, of course.
There certainly was hesitance on Jotaro's face, and Kakyoin was on the brink of apologising for making Jotaro feel awkward, when Jotaro slowly nodded.
- Then... that's okay, too, Jotaro said, shifting his position to sit more comfortably. Like a wordless way of saying he'd listen for as long as Kakyoin needed to.
And so Kakyoin told him. About when Kakyoin had first understood what being a boy or a girl was, and how obvious it had been that he was not a girl. How many tears and hours of crying it had taken for him to get his parents to listen, to make them understand that their little girl was a boy after all. How much his parents had fought to get Kakyoin to present as male at school and use a male name because in a silver lining in the miserable existence that had been Kakyoin's life so far, his parents loved him above all else and wanted him to be happy even if they didn't always understand. The bullying, the isolation, the nightmare of puberty twisting his body further and further from what Kakyoin knew his body should have been... But also the euphoria of using his chosen first name, of wearing his male school uniform for the first time, of seeing the effects of the testosterone gel that his parents had gone above and beyond to have a private doctor prescribe for him. And all the while, Jotaro listened, showing no signs of boredom or discomfort as he nodded along for Kakyoin to keep talking. By the end, Kakyoin felt... redeemed, in a way. Like he had when he had been saved from DIO's mind control, when he'd realised that there were other Stand users besides himself and that he no longer had to hide something so vital to who he was.
There was a brief moment of silence following Kakyoin's recounting of his life. Jotaro looked expectant, like he was waiting for Kakyoin to go on. But Kakyoin was uncertain what to say next. He'd never considered the possibility of acceptance, so everything from here on out was uncharted territory for him.
- This... must be shocking for you, Kakyoin said, looking at Jotaro and appraising his reaction. - To find out that there are people who can be born into the wrong body like this, so to speak.
To his surprise, Jotaro shrugged.
- Not really. I hadn't met anyone like that, but I knew they existed, Jotaro said. - There's been studies about transsexuals in Germany since the start of the century, so it's not like it's new. Although the Nazis burned a lot of that research which set the field back for decades, but of course they won't teach you about that in school.
Kakyoin blinked once, then twice in bafflement. For Jotaro to know about the topic was one thing, but to have him possess such niche information was a whole new level of bizarre. But not more bizarre than the concept of using Stands to defeat an immortal vampire possessing the body of a 19th century British aristocrat, so Kakyoin got over his surprise rather quickly.
- So, this really isn't going to be a problem for you? Kakyoin asked. - Sharing a room with me during the rest of our journey, I mean.
- Why would it be? Jotaro asked, looking slightly less annoyed now that he wasn't actively thinking about Nazis crimes against science and humanity in general.
- Well... Kakyoin smiled wryly. - You don't exactly like women.
Jotaro frowned again, annoyance back in full force.
- Where are these women you speak of? Are they in this room with us? Hiding under the bed? Or in the closet maybe?
Even when feeling the weight of having been so emotionally vulnerable during their conversation, Kakyoin couldn't help but chuckle.
- You know what I mean! Kakyoin said.
- Sure, I do. But there's enough people out there who will use language to belittle your identity, Jotaro said. - So don't do their work for them. You're not a woman, and I don't want you calling yourself that when it's so obviously hurting you.
- …Yeah, you're right, Kakyoin said, smiling faintly. He'd spent so long second-guessing himself and convincing himself his identity would be a burden on others. It would be a while before he could fully internalise that he didn't have to trade away standing up for who he was to receive acceptance. - Thanks. I appreciate it.
Jotaro nodded, and the silence returned between them. But Kakyoin was glad to note it didn't feel awkward – although Kakyoin felt exhausted, it was in a good way. Like he'd finally said all that needed to be said.
- Okay, I'll ask one more time, and then I'll stop and accept your answer, Kakyoin eventually said, looking at Jotaro with tentative hope as it began to sink in that nothing between them needed to change after all. - So you really are okay with me being like this? No worries or questions at all?
- No worries here, Jotaro said, even managing a small smile. Then, a contemplative look came over him, and he continued. - Although, if you don't mind, there is one question. But you don't have to answer if you don't want to.
Although there was a reflexive knot of anxiety in Kakyoin's stomach upon hearing that, he took a deep breath to steady himself. Jotaro had just spent the past three quarters of an hour proving that he was a safe person for Kakyoin to be himself around. The least Kakyoin could do was have faith that Jotaro would continue to be sensitive about the topic.
- Alright, shoot, Kakyoin nodded.
- It's about you... binding, I think it's called? Jotaro pointed at the binder that lay abandoned on Kakyoin's bed. - I saw a glimpse of your back when I came in. Your skin, more specifically. Not gonna lie, it looked rough.
- Ah... Yeah, I'm not surprised, Kakyoin tried to laugh, but the lingering pain in his ribs soon had him stopping. - I'm really only supposed to do it eight hours a day at most, but the way we've been travelling...
- It's definitely doing a number on your body, I can tell, Jotaro said. He sighed, but he didn't sound annoyed at least. - Look, I'm not in your shoes, so I'm not going to lecture you about what to do with your own body. But I do want you to consider a couple of things.
- Yeah?
- One, Jotaro said, holding up his index finger. - Once we're done kicking DIO's ass, we'll have the rest of our lives ahead of us. And you're gonna be owed a massive debt of gratitude by the old man calling the shots at the Speedwagon Foundation. Which, incidentally, employs a team of world-class plastic surgeons. Meaning if you ever wanted to do something about getting your body looking more like what you're imaging in your head, that'll be your golden opportunity.
This caught Kakyoin by surprise. When joining this expedition to Egypt, Kakyoin had done so out of a genuine wish to help, and hadn't expected to get any reward in the end. But now that Jotaro brought it up, then yes. Kakyoin would be fully within his rights to ask a favour like that out of Mr. Joestar, wouldn't he? Getting top surgery through a private clinic had a price tag in the millions of yens, certainly not something Kakyoin or his parents could afford without years of pinching pennies. As such, Kakyoin had resigned himself to the fact that even if he were able to get surgery, it would be years, decades even from now. But with the help of the Speedwagon Foundation...
- Do you think... I mean, it's a pretty niche surgery, could the Speedwagon Foundation really...?
- After the Second World War, the Speedwagon Foundation gathered up all the research that could be salvaged from the old sexology institute in Germany, Jotaro said. - As a result, they're among the top places in the world for transsexual surgeries. So yeah, pretty sure they can handle it.
Even though Kakyoin was amazed by this information, a part of him couldn't resist the urge to groan and roll his eyes. Because of course the Speedwagon Foundation just happened to have experts on sex transition on their payroll. Why had Kakyoin even questioned it? If there was a piece of knowledge or service out there that would conveniently aid them somehow, the Speedwagon Foundation was bound to have it. It was a law of reality as reliable as gravity.
- Not to mention, and correct me if I'm wrong, but it's gonna be way better for your recovery if your skin's not all tensed up from excessive binding, right? Jotaro continued. - So, if you're thinking long-term, now'd be a good time to start giving your chest a bit of a break.
- Are we still on the first thing for me to consider? Kakyoin asked, a little defensively. It's not like he didn't know the consequences of binding too much. If anything, it was more serious than what Jotaro was assuming, but it's not like Kakyoin did this because he liked the idea of messing up his ribs. - I thought there was going to be more.
To his surprise, Jotaro's smile widened, before he held up a second finger.
- And two, Jotaro said, and goodness, if Jotaro were to smile this kindly more often, Kakyoin might be at a risk of getting as obsessed with him as Ms. Holly was. - You aren't alone in this situation anymore. If you ever need to give your chest a break without worrying about the people around you, I'll make sure you can do that with privacy. It's the least I could do to make sure you stay strong and healthy, right?
Disarmed by the sudden sweetness of Jotaro's smile, Kakyoin let go of his reservations and really allowed himself to think about what Jotaro was saying. It was true that Kakyoin was a little better with binding responsibly at home, but it's not like he hadn't slipped up every once in a while and bound for longer than he should have. It was hard not to, when it helped him so much in feeling like his body was actually his and not a mistake he'd been born into. But even the possibility of getting top surgery being such an unknown had played into it too. It was much more difficult to care about things like not stretching his skin so as to ensure optimal recovery when he didn't even know when he'd have the funds to get surgery. Immediate relief to his dysphoria would always take priority.
But now, if he'd know for a fact that getting surgery was only a couple of years away... Kakyoin assumed he'd have to wait until he was 18, at least... That definitely changed the equation. And it was also true that damaging his ribs before the fight against DIO would be giving the enemy an unnecessary advantage.
- I... I think I could try, at least? Kakyoin eventually said. - The question of privacy so no one finds out is my biggest concern, but if you're helping me out...
- I will. I definitely will, Jotaro nodded, almost eagerly.
- Then... Kakyoin felt a bit hot on the cheeks, and smiled at Jotaro gratefully. - Then it's definitely worth a try. At the very least, when it's just the two of us, I could get away with just a sports vest or something during the night...
- Just tell me what you need, and I'll get it for you, Jotaro said, and then reached his hand out. - You know your limits, and I'll help you not to go past them. Deal?
It would definitely be a huge change, but seeing Jotaro so willing to help, Kakyoin couldn't help but feel optimistic. This wouldn't be easy, but then again, what about this journey had been?
- Deal, Kakyoin said, as he shook Jotaro's hand.
- Good, Jotaro said, smiling still as he departed his hand. - And remember, getting chest surgery isn't the end of it either. You'll be able to discuss all sorts of ways to better achieve your ideal gender presentation with the Speedwagon Foundation. Not to mention all the things you'll be able to do once you're fully recovered from surgery! Trust me, Kakyoin, when it comes to the great things in life? Things are just getting started for you!
Kakyoin hadn't known it was possible for Jotaro to look this excited about anything, and the fact that it was about the possibility of Kakyoin getting to live his most authentic life had Kakyoin smiling as well. The worry wasn't gone yet: even as Jotaro urged him to talk about all the things he wanted to do once he'd gotten his surgery, Kakyoin couldn't shake the feeling that the dreams they were talking about that would remain just that. But even if none of the wonderful things Jotaro insisted would happen once they defeated DIO would come to pass, at least Kakyoin had found a friend he could share his dreams with, a friend who would smile just as warmly as Kakyoin at the idea of those dreams getting fulfilled. And to Kakyoin, it was that friendship that he treasured the most, for every moment he could get before cruel reality inevitably got in the way.