Work Text:
Heinrich nudged Johann’s knee under the table, nodding not so subtly towards the kitchen. Willi Schwarzkopf had already gone up to bed, and the esteemed guests of his dinner party were well on their way home. They had the house to themselves, save for Willi’s room, but he was upstairs on the opposite end of the house. Johann pushed in his chair. Heinrich stood immediately, rushing around to grab Johann’s plate. He scurried off into the kitchen. Johann came through the butler’s pantry a few minutes later. They had no one to fool, but the instinct to deflect suspicion was too ingrained. Heinrich abandoned the dishes in the sink. Johann stood in the center of the room. He knew that intense look in Heinrich’s eyes well. He leaned against the wall, hiding himself away from any windows.
Heinrich pinned Johann to the wall. The heels of his palms dug into Johann’s shoulders, his fingers curled into his shoulder blades. He smiled, and leaned in.
Johann stared up at him. He was taller, but not unmanageable. Heinrich was drunk, and it made him sloppy. He wasn’t very strong, Johann looked over his middle section and to his arms. He had a tendency to trip over himself, Johann studied his legs. Probably because of those oversized shoes, he thought, they must be borrowed. He locked eyes with Heinrich again, seeing the hint of blue in sparkling green.
Johann forced himself to take a deep breath. Heinrich wasn’t a threat. There was no need to analyze him like this! But Johann couldn’t help it. He tensed under Heinrich’s warm hands. His breath caught in his throat. Every hair on his body stood up.
Heinrich tilted his head, his hand came to Johann’s chin. “What are you thinking about?” He asked, the enthusiasm in his expression never dimming. He didn’t usually have to ask. He could tell Johann’s thoughts from the little ways he moved and chewed the inside of his lip, and where he looked into the distance. Heinrich thought he knew Johann well enough to predict him, even in new situations, but it seemed the habits he had cleverly picked up on were the bare minimum clues Johann allowed him to see.
He pressed a kiss against Johann’s lips. Maybe that would be response enough.
Johann leaned in. He hooked his hands behind Heinrich’s neck. Johann pulled away when Heinrich’s tongue pushed past his lips, catching his breath.
Heinrich moved his hands from Johann’s shoulders, encouraged by his success. He trailed his hands down Johann’s ribs, trying to follow the rise and fall. He kept his thumbs on his chest. The fabric irritated him, in the back of his brain. He didn’t want to feel the wool dress shirt under his palm. He wanted Johann. His nails curled under the first button.
Johann brought his hand up to Heinrich’s arm. Heinrich stopped, and went in for another hungry kiss to distract himself. Maybe to taunt himself, to stoke his desire while knowing full well he would be denied.
Johan pulled away again, licking his lip. That was too close.The fabric strips he used to conceal his chest would be obvious if he only wore his undershirt. The button down had to stay on. Heinrich couldn’t know. That was something he had decided on a long time ago. Heinrich still couldn’t know. Circumstances had changed, he had confidence in the man before him, but it was not worth the risk. It would never be worth the risk.
Heinrich continued down. He ran his hands over Johann’s stomach. His fingers curled around his side. He slid his hands over Johann’s lower back. Heinrich kissed him slowly, pulling out all the charm. He couldn’t help the excitement coursing through him. This was as far as he’d ever been allowed.
Johann felt his resolve slipping. Heinrich knew what he was doing. He was gentle, he gave Johann space to breathe. This was more comfortable than he had been in years, but dread pooled in his gut.
Heinrich brought one hand to the back of Johann’s head. He broke away, biting at Johann’s neck. Heinrich peppered kisses all up and down the side of his face. His other hand inched lower. He unbuckled Johann’s belt, and undid the first button. Then the second. Johann captured him in another intoxicating kiss. He no doubt tasted the cognac from dinner, and the brandy and wine after that.
Heinrich slipped his hand behind the buttons.
Johann stiffened. No. No no no. It was too close. After all this time, he was about to reveal himself like…like this? Heinrich would see that despite everything, Johann was nothing but a girl. That’s what he would have to think. And all the respect and friendship, and love they had shared would be gone. Because Heinrich would feel deceived. He might get aggressive. The subject had never come up before. But the uniform he wore, the people he spent time with, it all answered those questions clearly. Heinrich had to resent his attraction to Johann, and would get aggressive when faced with more obvious queerness. Or worse, he would be disgusted. Yes, Johann could handle aggression, he had prepared for it over and over. He was a practiced fighter. But disgust would hurt more, that Heinrich would have loved him if he hadn’t been born like this. That would be unbearable.
Johann grabbed Heinrich’s arms, digging into his flesh. He forced his hands away. Heinrich stared at him. The world spun. Johann pinned him to the wall instead, boring into his eyes.
Heinrich stared back at him. He kept his hands raised in surrender. “Your turn?” He tried to tease.
Johann let go of him. Heinrich needed to believe he wasn’t interested. Even if it would crush Johann to lose the little affection he had, it was for the better. It was safer. “Good night, Herr Schwarzkopf.” He said, stiffly.
Heinrich deflated, watching him go with sad eyes. “Johann, wait, I didn’t mean to overstep. We can do things however you like. Don’t go.”
But Johann had already shut the door.
Heinrich drew himself back together, forcing back tears. He should have known he wouldn’t be enough for Johann’s standards.
Johan redid his belt, and buttoned up his fly. He walked softly through the dark townhouse. He could get his scarf from the living room another time. Johann took his coat and hat from the rack, and slipped them on. He swallowed back all the hot need building up inside him. He opened the front door and locked it behind him. It was his own key. He’d have to return it another time. It was safer this way, he repeated.
He repeated that the whole way to his apartment, to his bedroom, to his bed, where he could lay down, and think of Heinrich and all the other wonderful things he would never have because it was safer this way.