Chapter Text
“J-Jax?”
The void. The exit. It was so close and everyone was here, everyone except for one. His hand slipped from mine before I could commute the absence. My eyes tore from the bright static, the same static that Caine tore me from when I first arrived. I didn’t know that this place would eventually be our escape.
“No- J-”
My words cut short with the feeling of my arm being pulled. I dragged my eyes towards the Ragdoll beside me. Her eye was filled with fear and maybe a little guilt and I knew exactly what was underneath.
My body was pulling away from her- not that I meant to pull from her. I was simply reacting before I could stop myself.
Ragatha could feel it and her grip tightened around my arm; a small warning.
My eyes left hers quickly, anger coursed through my veins, thick and hot. Why would he do this? Escape my grasp and just stand at the edge of the circle grounds. Like his life didn’t matter?
He wore a smile. Not his signature one that held mischief, no this smile was full of acceptance. Though the minute our eyes caught each other- I could reach beyond the mask he was presenting.
I searched for something deeper. That rabbit persona he showed at the circus, the one everyone grew to hate had dropped with me before. I grew curious, maybe this time I could peel back the exterior.
That’s when I felt it, the tears on the brim of my overly large eyes. His smile faltered once he noticed the rawness of my emotion and he lowered his gaze. Embarrassed.
“No-” I whispered and tried to reach out for him but I knew I was leaving. The world around me was fading quickly, the grass became eroded with glitches and I watched the glitches slide up Jax’s arm and slowly take over the side of his face, his expression twisting into one of agony.
“JAX!”
My voice was starting to lose its strength. I wanted to cry, move my body, take Jax’s position but the only thing my body could do was be pulled by whatever force the void provided. Ragatha gripped my arm tighter. Warmth filled my body as I started to feel light headed, my vision becoming white and small spots filled my surroundings. The heat I felt started in my toes and soon enough pain engulfed me. It was strong enough to cause me to open my mouth to let out a scream but nothing came out.
The last thing I could think of before darkness took over was Jax, how fucking stupid he was.
——
“Christine?”
A strong powerful voice filled my ears, jerking me in the chair that I sat in. The brightness of the sun rays blinded me as I took in my surroundings. Dust collected on the table from the window seal, the room was a striking white that reminded me of a hospital room and the air smelled of stale coffee and ink melting into paper. A normal office, a normal conference room, a normal life.
How normal am I? After spending almost a year in a digital environment where nothing mattered. Now I sit here, my bones, my flesh, the way I shivered when a gust of wind passed by. I should have adjusted by now… moved on. Yet recently I’ve been thinking about him. Every nightmare that blessed me at night reminded me of the dentured ringleader, and I’d wake up in a cold sweat wrapping itself around me like an unwelcome blanket.
I realized I had been zoning out when a sharp elbow hit my side sending a sharp pain throughout my body. Again… a pain that I have yet to adjust to.
I jolted and looked slowly over at my friend who previously had helped me escape from my trance. Her eyes were filled with worry as they searched my brown ones. A color that was so foreign to me.
The biggest thing that shocked me after we all escaped is how fucked up the digital circus really was. That my mind had been altered so deeply that the features I grew up with- my black shoulder length hair, my brown eyes that had a sprinkle of gold in the center, the way I was so short I couldn’t reach the top shelf anywhere I went, it all seemed lightyears away. It felt wrong that even hearing my name,
“Christine?” Abby’s voice now held a sternness, one of confusion and maybe slight fear. I blinked twice collecting myself before slowly giving her a smile.
“I-I’m sorry,” my eyes moved from Abby to my boss who stood in front of the whiteboard at the head of the table, “can you repeat the question?”
My boss, he was a tall man who I swear owned an entire collection of Ralph Lauren suits. He was about middle aged but wasn’t bad looking. All of the women I worked with made googly eyes at him, but me? I thought he was a corporate piece of shit who definitely took advantage of hiring an only woman team.
His eyes were impatient, his scowl didn’t scare me and I could tell my lack of obedience pissed him off even more.
“Ms. Sobier, I asked for your presentation of last quarter's earnings. Do you have it?” His voice was laced with doubt, you can tell by the way his tongue licked his bottom lip and his eyes moved up and down my body that he thought I was as dumb as a dog in a tight pencil skirt.
“Of course, I shared my PowerPoint with you last night-” I stood up swiftly, almost losing myself to gravity and maybe too much coffee and little food.
“If you could pull it up, I’ll get right to it.” I forced a smile that I had picked up from an old friend.
I couldn’t help but feel completely numb as I spouted about nonsense numbers. The supermarket chain was a dying business but in Chicago at least we had big brands like Trader Joe’s and 88 Marketplace. Yet my mind wondered and I swear when I caught the light that went through the room my vision blurred and I was back in my room. My jester room where big blocks spelled out dumb words and my drapes were red and blue.
I had to lean against the counter in the break room for a minute after we wrapped up our meeting. Slowly breath in and out, counting time and watching the clock move. Seconds passed then minutes.
3:47 pm April 3rd 2026
The digital clock reminded me that I was real and that I had made it out. Time didn’t move in the circus for us. It felt like it did and time certainly moved out here but while we were dodging Caine’s adventures and making sure we didn’t abstract… time moved and now I had to count it.
“Hey, are you doing okay?”
Her voice was like fresh honey, smooth and sweet. It wasn’t too pitchy and it wasn’t too stern and that’s why I liked her. She wasn’t a push over like some people here but she knew her place as well. But sometimes she pushed too hard, especially after a new trend hit on what Abby referred to as ‘true crime tiktok’.
‘The Digital Mystery’ she had called it.
I released my tired grip from the counter which was connected to the communal fridge and turned my full attention towards her. Her obvious bleach blonde hair was up in a tight slick back bun, her red button up fit her perfect body, tight around her bodice and hugged her curves perfectly. The red clashed well with her black pencil skirt. She also was an appropriate height which made her the designated office siren. I had a love-hate relationship with her.
“Hey Abby,” I tried to brush off her question, turning my head towards the tall cupboards, “just grabbing a cup of coffee before finishing up some last minute emails.”
Abby’s hand found its way to her hip. She tilted her head and bit her lip as if she were pondering my credibility. She smirked as her eyes slipped to the empty coffee pot and the mug, or lack thereof. She then moved towards me. Her perfect curves swayed as she opened the cupboard and gripped a mug that said, ‘Mondays’ with a grumpy cat.
“You don’t have to beat yourself up about Jeremy, he’s just a guy.” She commented as she placed the ceramic dish on the marble counter.
I let out a small huff and used my hand to twist my tight ponytail, loosening it slightly.
“Yeah, a guy who signs my checks,” the irritation rolled right off my tongue, “plus he didn’t bother me, there’s just been a lot on my mind recently.”
Abby nodded understanding. As much as she pries, she knew to let go sometimes.
“I don’t blame you, today is the anniversary after all.”
Her words struck me like a knife. The pain, which again was very much there, filled my lungs and suddenly I couldn’t breathe again. Was I turning blue, then green, then yellow? No I wasn’t because I was Christine- not Pomni. I was in Chicago- not the circus and Jax was dead.
Jax.
“Hey-”
Her voice sent my gaze to look at her. She seemed to stop in her tracks, like she knew she had said something wrong and now was too scared to move. The only sound that surrounded us was the coffee pot finally grinding to life to make liquid gold.
My body felt cold like it wasn’t responding to my brain reactors. Like suddenly I was back in the pods, ripping off the headset. Black spots seemed to cloud my vision and I knew I needed to move. This office, the cubicles, the white walls that blended together was too much.
“I- I gotta go.”
I couldn’t wait for Abby’s next words. My legs moved faster than I could comprehend and soon the cold air hit my face as I marched through the streets.
The wind blew harshly against my cheeks. I knew they would be red the minute I looked at myself but that helped me remember I have blood. I have insides and black hair and brown eyes that were tearing up. I wasn’t sure if it was from the strong wind or the idea that Jax died thinking he was alone, hated by everyone or the painful sight of his final moments before I was pulled harshly back to reality. The agony his facial features showed. I’d give anything to feel him one last time, to force him to talk to me.
I closed my eyes feeling the wetness on my cheeks. There was no denying it now, the tears were for him, they always would be. I wish he could see me, could see that someone had cared for him. Maybe things would’ve been different…
I groaned softly at my self reflection, groaned at the fact that I was on the verge of panicking and that's when I knew I probably should call her. She was the only one who truly could help me right now.
Fuck it.
I dug through my coat pocket before pulling out my AirPods, placing one in my ear. I heard the familiar chime signaling that it had connected to my phone. I then followed by taking my phone out and pressing her contact. She was right below my mom in my favorites.
It rang once…
Twice…
Then a soft, “Christine?”
Tears began to spill quicker.
“Anne?” Ragatha.
I heard rustling in the background, maybe a door closing before she finally answered me. Her voice was more serious and laced with concern. It felt familiar- like everything around me was normal for a moment. Just for a moment.
“What’s wrong?”
I couldn’t keep it in anymore, “didyouknowtodayistheanniversayofugettingout-”
I sobbed as I walked through the streets. I caught a couple glances but I kept my head down and refused to move it. My apartment was a block away and I needed to have some dignity left.
“Woah woah, slow down there. I’m pretty sure the only thing I got was anniversary.”
I took a deep breath, my eyes were still wet but tears weren’t escaping anymore. I found the sky, searching each cloud above for anything to bring me back down to earth.
“T-today is the anniversary of us escaping,” silence so I continued, “I didn’t realize until Abby said something but it makes sense. I’ve been in my head all day, thinking of the circus of-” I stopped myself as I approached my building.
“Are you still going to therapy?”
Her question threw me off, the change of subject.
“Uh yeah- every Wednesday night.” I answered and pressed my fob onto the key pad, a beep indicating that the door had unlocked for me to step inside, I placed my keys back in my pocket.
“Have you mentioned him?”
I could sense her carefulness as she asked these questions.
“Rag.” I warned.
I could hear her silence since it was pretty damn loud.
“How would I even mention it without being thrown in a mental hospital… again.” I ranted into my AirPod, waving lazily at my doorman and pressing the button to the elevator.
“Well you don’t have to give details.” She remarked, the sound of a car door slamming in the background of her call startled me. I flinched, feeling stupid about how on edge I felt.
“Where are you headed?” I lifted my eyebrow, fully aware she couldn’t see me.
“Don’t change the topic- but Trader Joe’s. I am almost out of that pickle popcorn that you got me grossly obsessed with.”
A genuine smile filled my lips for the first time in months as the elevator opened. I took a step in but felt a hand grab onto my wrist. My throat let out a loud yelp before jumping further into the elevator. I turned sharply raising my hand to fully protect myself from whoever decided to touch me but as my eyesight began to refocus, it was my doorman.
He was definitely easy on the eyes, maybe my age or a little older, his hair was dark brown and his facial features were sharp. He had small dimples that complimented his tanned skin. He looked disoriented as he quickly let go of my wrist and held his arms up, showing that he meant no harm.
“I’m sorry Miss!” His words were genuine.
“What’s going on?”
I ignored her, “God, Luke you gotta warn a girl before grabbing her.” I tried to joke the adrenaline away, then I noticed a small package in his other arm.
“Christine, what is happening?”
Oh my god, shut up.
“Oh- you know my name?” Intrigue and interest filled his expression.
A light smile tugged the corner of my mouth as I nodded, “of course I know your name,” I motioned my head towards the medium envelope in his hands, “is that why you nearly gave me a heart attack?” I snarkfully remarked.
His eyes linger a minute too long in mine, a hint of a smile plastered fully across his face. He extended the envelope towards my body and I reached out my hand to accept the package.
“I tried calling your name a couple times before trying to catch you before you went into the elevator-” he admitted as the weight of the envelope shocked me, it was fully in my hands now.
I frowned and tucked a small piece of hair behind my ear revealing the AirPod, “sorry preoccupied.”
“God if you are flirting with the doorman again, I need his Instagram. To properly stalk him.”
I rolled my eyes and then started to examine the white plastic envelope. It was heavier than I anticipated and had a sticky note on the front and once I read what was inscribed in black ink- I froze.
If found return to Pomni
801 S Michigan Ave, 825, Chicago, IL
Pomni. Not Christine, Pomni. I felt my blood run cold like everything that created myself was taken from me. My identity slowly disappeared and started to address itself as a simple name. One that I didn’t even choose, one that didn’t represent me so why did it have so much control? Why did I let it?
My brown eyes, not pinwheels of blue and red, my brown eyes look into his. His blue ones that I could tell were trying to figure out what happened. Oh buddy if only you knew
“Did you see who dropped this off?” My voice cracked slightly, the playful tone had incinerated, which threw off the doorman.
“I’m sorry. It was already here when I came in today,” he paused, pressing a finger to his bottom lip, “I could check the security cams? It would take about 24 hours-”
“Yes please.” My eyes haven’t left the handwriting.
I outlined the name Pomni for a moment. I haven’t seen it written out in years. This sacred name that only a handful of people knew. The craziest part- it’s not addressed to Christine. My name isn’t anywhere on here and Lucas hasn’t questioned that.
“Okay well then,” Lucas flicked his tongue and swayed awkwardly.
“Thank you, I’m gonna head up now but I’ll see ya later.” I nodded a little too quickly before moving forward and pressing the number ‘8’ hoping he would comply and step out from the elevator doors.
“I hope you realized I decided to be quiet but the moment you’re alone I need the story.”
Lucas stepped out, turning and headed back to his post by the front entrance. I studied his movements up until the elevator closed, doors sliding perfectly together.
I only started my interrogation once I felt the movement of being brought up higher into my building.
“Anne, did you send me a package?” My words were frantic.
“Uh no,” a moment, “shit is this a test?”
I shook my head even though she couldn’t see me and then slid my phone out of my pocket. Her contact shined as I slid up to open my lock screen. Carefully putting in my passcode,
5780
My finger pressed the message icon and scrolled looking for one specific text thread.
“You think Grace and Alex are awake?”
“It’s 4:30pm.”
I opened up our group chat, ‘Caine’s Adventure’s’ was the name given by Grace; Gangle. Who thought she was really funny. I remember her laughing as she pressed the keys on her phone. Alex; Zooble, was truly the only one who full body laughed. I gave her a small chuckle just so she didn’t feel bad.
I opened my camera and heard a small click as I captured the package with the sticky note.
“Aren’t they in Seattle visiting Alex’s family?” I questioned trying to think of the time difference.
“Christine,” I heard Anne holding in a laugh on the other end of the phone.
That’s when I realized why. Seattle was behind us so even if they were there, it was earlier. I rolled my eyes fully at my dumbness and then sent the photo to the chat hoping they would answer quickly.
[Photo Insert]
Hey! Anyone send this to me?
“This is what the doorman handed to you?” Anne’s voice seemed to change from a confused and slightly lighthearted demeanor to a terrified one.
I let out a small gust of breath as her sudden change caused anxiety to creep up my spine. I was slowly beginning to feel lightheaded so I focused on the numbers that lit up as I continued to climb to my floor. I saw 4 turn into 5 and then turn into 6. Two more levels to go. Anxiety clouded my brain leaving me groggy as the number 8 signified I had made it to my floor.
“Did you get anything? Maybe it’s some sick joke?” I tried to think of a logical reason that Pomni would be put on any package, but anxiety suddenly made it impossible for me to think straight.
“Christine, who would know this name except for us?”
I stepped out of the elevator and onto the grey carpet that showed little to no life in these new renovated apartments. The walls felt closer to me than they had in the past, like they were slowly caving in or whoever had programmed them had accidentally miscoded them and they were out of place. If I paid too close attention, I swear I would see a picture frame with two sets of all seeing eyes. That Caine had never left. That this was some sick adventure and he’d pop out like he always did.
“Christine?” Her voice tried to catch my attention when she realized that I wasn’t answering.
I shook my head twice to escape my thoughts, which only helped for a moment to answer her, “I’m going to facetime you when I get into my apartment.”
As I stepped in front of my white door, I dug through my pockets. I knew if I told Anne that I was searching my coat for my lost keys, she’d tsk at me and be upset that I wasn’t using the designer bag she got me for my birthday.
I finally found them and carefully placed them into the lock and entered the golden hour apartment. I did love my new apartment, I wasn’t scraping for money since the job I got after I came back from the circus was significantly better than my old one. I did have to thank my mom for helping me find this gig but I’d never give her that satisfaction.
My black loveseat was facing away from the large window that took up most of my living room. I had a gorgeous view of the river that went through downtown Chicago, and of the surrounding buildings.
Today had been cold enough to have me bundle up in my coat but the sky was clear which caused a glow into my apartment. Unfortunately that glow outed my lack of decor. I had a love seat that faced a black tv stand from IKEA and a flat screen tv that was a gift from my mom. My kitchen was separated by a half wall and had a small area for me to put in a table. In which Anne had made me get a small black round table from IKEA because she was tired of eating on the couch.
“Hold on-” I mentioned to Anne who I could tell had made it to Trader Joe’s and was focused on her shopping as I was getting ready to FaceTime her.
Before going deeper into my apartment, I removed my loafers and tossed them onto my shoe rack next to the door. Then I began my journey towards my couch, stripping off the coat that had suddenly become suffocating. I usually would hang it up in my hall closet but I simply tossed it on the couch as I brought the plastic package of doom with me to the table. I propped my phone up, leaning it against an old bowl of cereal I left from this morning and pressed the ‘FaceTime’ button.
It only took a couple of rings for her to answer. The connection took a moment, leaving glitches on my phone but when it finally connected she was walking through the aisles of what looked like Trader Joe’s. She had placed me in the cart where you would place a child so it looked like I was watching a video of someone shopping. Her strawberry blonde hair was down and in soft waves like she had just washed it. She wore a baby blue blouse with a white bralette and some washed blue jeans that fit her perfectly. Her skin was pale but she had a slight tan hint to it, probably from being out on her horses all day.
“Okay, should we maybe call Alex?” Anne questioned as she pulled some crackers off the shelf and examined the nutritional information on the back.
I glanced between her and the package that I had set down in front of me. The note mocked me in ways that felt personal. My stomach was betraying me, the knots tangled inside and I might’ve gotten up and thrown up if Anne wasn’t here in front of me.
“I don’t want to bother them.” I shrugged.
Anne finally placed the crackers in her cart and continued pushing. Her emerald green eyes found mine as she shrugged, “what if they sent it? Or Grace?”
“Wouldn’t they put their names on it?” I over-analyzed.
Anne pursed her lips in thought before sighing and then shaking her head.
“Might has well open it.”
I gulped and knew this was going to happen. I mean why wouldn’t I open it? It was addressed to me, even if it was the circus version of me. I’m sure nothing crazy would pop out right? It’s not like we have the freedom of the digital world anymore. There’s no way one of Jax’s pranks would come out of a very real piece of plastic. It was too heavy to be just a piece of paper. Too light to be a bomb. Centipedes would die unless it was packaged recently.
I eventually closed my eyes, taking in a steady breath and gripped the edge of the package. A small blue line traced the top with a cartoon pair of scissors that said, ‘Cut me!’ But I ignored those instructions and just used my hands to rip it open.
After a couple failed attempts to tear open the plastic and a couple chuckles from Anne, I finally caved in and went towards my kitchen to dig through a junk drawer.
“I told you to grab the scissors.”
“Yeah yeah, keep on giving my company money and let me live in peace.” I located the scissors and carefully and smoothly went back towards the table.
Finally I was able to break through the plastic but what I found inside was something that I was not expecting. I placed my hand inside and gripped the object carefully with my fingers. The weight of it seemed lighter, now that I actually had an idea of what it was. Anne’s eyes were trained on the screen as I pulled out a black and white composition notebook. The pages looked worn, some bumps which were usually formed by something thicker placed inside, and black ink on the front said the same thing that the sticky note said.
‘If Found Return to Pomni’
“What the hell?” Anne’s face was now stitched with curiosity and maybe slight interest.
“Should I open it?”
“Uh that’s a dumb question.”
I glared at her past the notebook and watched as her eyes came back to reality for a moment.
“Oh I’m sorry- that was rude of me. I meant yeah you should open it because-”
I smiled lightly and waved her off, “calm down Anne, your Ragatha is showing.”
This earned a loud laugh from her. She covered her mouth quickly and looked at her surroundings before glaring back at me.
I stuck my tongue out playfully before placing the notebook flat in front of me. Whatever was inside was obviously important since it was addressed to me twice. My mind raced of what could be inside, who could be writing to me?
“Wait-” my mind clicked.
Anne dropped a couple more items in the cart, I could tell she was listening just by the way she stood.
“Could this be Kinger- or Grant?”
This got her attention, her eyes moved towards the ceiling like she was calculating something in her head before tilting the gaze to me.
“He did disappear after we all escaped.”
That made sense. Grant woke up with us but seemed disoriented. Like a mix of sane and insane Kinger. He didn’t speak to us or really even acknowledge us as we tried to climb back to reality.
The image of the day startled me, causing me to flinch and I stood up abruptly from my chair. I stumbled a moment, no. This was some sort of joke. Where were the cameras?
The sun began to set further, making my living room look more dark. The lights from the city lighting up the room.
“Christine?”
“How is this not- like freaking you out?” I let out a frustrated burst and then started to pace around my living room.
“Maybe because it’s addressed to Pomni and not Ragatha.” Her words were honest which sent a new form of anxiety throughout my bones.
“Fuck. Fuck. This is like when I first entered the circus.” I let out a small scream and then plopped down onto the couch and closed my eyes. My face was completely engulfed by the soft red pillow.
“Hey not to freak you out anymore but Alex texted back”
A loud groan escaped my mouth and vibrated the pillow below me. Anne let out a small chuckle.
“She said that you should open it and report back.”
I sat up straight once again and found some courage to walk back over towards my phone and the notebook.
“Well I guess if it’s Grant, he might’ve explained where he’s been these past couple years.” I concluded.
From what it looked like on the screen, Anne was in the process of paying and getting out of the store. I lowered my gaze towards the handwriting and then found myself staring at the sticky note. Same words, same meaning, different fonts. Wait- different fonts. I grabbed the sticky note and placed it next to the notebook. Different handwriting. Two different people.
“Anne the handwriting is different.”
“Okay Nancy Drew.”
“Who?” I questioned.
“Don’t make me feel old today, I can’t handle it.”
I rolled my eyes and then took my finger tip and traced the handwriting on the notebook. I swear I’ve seen this before. It felt so familiar. Like I’ve seen it in a dream. Or in passing. Suddenly my finger tip had found the edge of the front cover, the thin cardboard was frayed at the top like someone had moved it one too many times. Then I opened to reveal the contents inside.
June 4th 2024
Do I even start this with Dear Diary? Does that sound stupid? I mean shit, I’m already here. Well here goes nothing…
Dear Diary- no that sounds dumb. Shit- I’m crossing this out.
I was told by whoever the dude in the white coats name is that writing things out will make me less… agitated. That’s how I know I’m back in the real world because all these people thinking I’m gonna cooperate with this shit- well it’s gonna hurt them wayyy more than me.
I don’t really know how to do this anymore, I mean my hands are back, my fingers, my nails, my hair. I’m still 22- yet I was in that hellhole for oh god how long did they say? I remember Breaking Bad season 3 coming out- now it’s been over for years. God- I’m old. How did time not move for my body? How did they do any of this? This is by far the worst nightmare I have been in. I wonder how everyone else is?
Oh no- writing is helping- I care about everyone else? I mean I guess me sacrificing myself kinda showed that. Oh journal… can I call you journal? If I ever get out of this scary white walled room, I hope Zooble doesn’t make it a big deal… I didn’t do it for them anyway.
Okay enough feelings for one day.
My throat felt dry as I reread what I had just witnessed. The way it was written, the context of how he described himself. Yet the one line that stood out to me was,
I mean I guess me sacrificing myself kinda showed that.
No.
No no no.
“Anne-”
She had been moving while I read this. Moving bags into her car, placing the shopping cart back into the designated area, making sure no cars hit her while she was backing out. She had no clue that the world just shattered into two pieces. No clue that I didn’t know how to pick myself up. No clue that he was here. In this world. He was somewhere and just revealed himself to me.
“I think Jax sent this.”