Work Text:
You.
"@Medkits_BaffhWater".
Why?
Why would you ever do this to a poor, innocent soul like me?
I remember everything in immaculate detail.
I joined PHIGHTING! [ALPHA], hoping to enjoy myself and bring my spirits up after only getting four hours of sleep. The way I gracefully inserted myself into a random open server shall stick with me forevermore, a fading reminder of my purity which was struck down by thee. Nevertheless, I tried to join, and join I did. I entered your server as soon as a round started, only to be unfairly STRIPPED of my glorious, my precious, my oh-so-wonderful area-of-effect character. Of course, without my beautiful Subspace T. Mine, I had to pick another character. And so, I naturally resorted to Slingshot, a more aim-precise character. I thought since I needed to work on my aim anyway, it would be a good idea to use a Phighter that's harder to aim with.
WRONG.
You, your demonic, wretched self, you struck your weapon onto me, and ONLY me, SEVERAL TIMES. I could barely breathe before you shoved yet another skateboard down my struggling oesophagus. I was barely a threat, and yet YOU just had to lock onto me like a Scythe main (ew) onto their specified target. Except it wasn't specified. You did all that on purpose. Every edge and wheel that pierced my skin and broke my bones. It was all intentional. How do I know this, you may ask? Simple.
I just do. Because I know absolutely everything. Definitely. Yep. Everything. I would never lie. You can trust me! :)))))))))))))
pause for dramatic effect
A
N
Y
W
A
Y
,
Not only did you 100% target me with no reason at all ever, you also had the AUDACITY to follow me off the point and kill me, wasting BOTH of our time and potentially risking your team the point (even though it didn't BUT IT COULD'VE). This ALSO happened multiple times. You just COULDN'T help yourself, could you? Because bux is apparently MORE IMPORTANT than fair play. You greedy bas
You greedy bad person. That one round of a fun, vibrant phighting game sitcom laughing track ended up feeling exhausting and dull, all because of you. It's entirely your fault. Most certainly.
Now, that sounds bad, HORRIBLE even... until you realise it went on for THREE (i think) MORE ROUNDS.
TIME AFTER TIME.
DEATH AFTER DEATH.
LOSS. AFTER. LOSS.
YOU (and ONLY you) relentless pelted my poor, poisoned posterior into the curb, the grass, the alley, THE PLANE EVEN, just because you saw weakness in me. You STRIPPED me of my innocence and left it in the Banlands to rot and decay like my perfect and pristine main you tormented so, so much. How could you take advantage of such a vulnerable person? You disgusting person, do you even NEED a reason? Of course you don't.
You sick fuuuuhhhhhhmmmmm uhhhm you sickkkkkkkkkkkkugguuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh FLAPJACK. You sick flapjack.
Just know this (or don't I bet you're too AWFUL to read anyways, you book-hating brownie).
I DON'T like you very much.
You MILDLY infuriate me.
I think you made a FULLY REVERSIBLE MISTAKE.
And I think you're OKAY for that.
I can't believe someone could hate Subspace mains so much. What are you, some sort of subist? Wait no... A SPACEIST! YOU'RE A TOTALLY BIASED SPACEIST WHO THINKS ALL SUBSPACE MAINS SHOULD BE TARGETED FOR ETERNITY! Yeah. This is totally, definitely, certainly, absolutely, factually, genuinely, literally, honestly, unfortunately, swocketcanonconfirnedly, 100 PER CENT a spaceist. And that's just wrong.
I hope you reflect on your actions and come to the realisation that you're wrong and I'm right.
Anyway, thanks for listening to why I'm actually the victim and Medkits_BaffhWater should be locked up! BYE