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I sighed, resting my head on Simon’s shoulder. He wrapped his arm around me. I slid my arm behind the small of his back and rested the other one across his broad chest.
We had known each other for years at this point, we met in college and had just stayed in contact. Recently, our relationship had changed from merely friends to a sort of in between friends and lovers.
“Simon?” I said quietly.
He gave a small “Hmm?”, enraptured by the screen in front of us, which was playing Finding Nemo
“Did I… do something wrong?” I asked, turning my head to look at him. His eyebrows scrunched up.
“No? Why would you think that?”
“You’ve been avoiding me for like a week.”
He balked at that, shooting me a glance out of the corner of his eye. “No I haven’t been.”
I sat up and gave him an exasperated look. His arm slid down around my waist, gently gripping my shirt.
“I haven’t been!” He insisted, his eyes pleading.
“You won’t pick up the phone, you haven’t responded to any of my texts, you didn’t even show at Rocky’s place the other day. I haven’t heard from you since the last time we had sex and I thought I did something wrong. I mean I was honestly surprised you even showed up tonight. I just want my best friend back.” My glasses slid down my nose as I spoke.
He blushed at the mention of sex, sitting quietly as I said my piece. He finally met my eyes, looking up at me through his lashes. “We always do movie night on Fridays. Of course I’m here.” He seemed hurt that I would think so lowly of him. “And yeah, maybe I have been avoiding you. Sorry.”
“Okay. Do you… maybe want to tell me why?” I asked carefully.
He bit his bottom lip, resolutely staring at the movie playing in the background.
I sat patiently, waiting for him to respond.
“I wasn’t… intentionally avoiding you this week.” He finally said. He spoke quietly, as if afraid of something. He glanced at me. I raised my eyebrows slightly, trying to prompt him to continue. “I don’t really know how to say it yet, but I just want you to know it's not you.”
“Okay.” I said, giving him a smile. “Thanks for letting me know.” He reached out and fixed my glasses. I stared at him for a minute more, analyzing his features. He was blushing pretty hard, and avoiding my eyes. After a moment I laid back on his chest.
I laid there, appreciating his warmth for a moment before I realized I could feel his heart beat. It was absolutely hammering, like it was trying to get out of his chest.
“Are you alright?” I asked, a small, concerned smile tainting my voice.
“Yeah, why?” He asked, sounding a little out of breath.
“Your heart’s pounding.” I said, looking up at him from where I laid on his chest.
He blinked a few times. “Oh.” He whispered. He went silent after that and I decided not to push it.
We sat in silence for the rest of the movie. Simon would tense every time I shifted and I could tell he was barely paying attention to the screen.
When I walked him out to his motorcycle he gave me this odd look, after once again fixing my glasses. I ended up spending the rest of the night thinking about it, unable to decode what he was thinking.
The next week went as normal. I taught my classes, took a walk, hung out with Rocky and Adrian, went home and ate cold pasta or whatever else was in my fridge. Simon had been back to normal for the first few days but by the time Friday rolled around he had left me on read for 3 days and I had resolved to make him talk about it before we watched anything.
He knocked on my door before opening it and found me sitting on the couch staring right at him.
“Uh, hi.” He said quietly, hanging up his jacket and kicking off his boots.
“Hey.” I responded, folding my arms.
“So…. What movie tonight?” He asked, sitting precariously on the edge of the cushion next to me.
I leaned back in my seat, kicking my feet up on the coffee table. “I’m thinking A Knights Tale with Heath Ledger. I think you’ll like it. But before we put it on you’ve gotta tell me why you’ve been so distant lately.”
He winced. “Oh.”
I stared at him expectantly. He, in turn, stared at his hands while he fiddled with his bracelet.
“Si.” I urged him.
He sighed and mumbled something.
“What?”
“I don’t want to tell you.”
“Simon-”
“No, I don't have to tell you shit! I'm a grown ass man and you have no right talking to me like that.” He suddenly growled, glaring at me. “You talk to me like I’m one of your fucking students throwing a tantrum. I’m not 13, Ryland, don’t tell me what to do.”
I raised my eyebrows at his outburst. “I’m not trying to tell you what to do. Like you said, you're a grown man. So maybe act like one and tell me what's going on.”
He clenched his jaw, sneering. “That’s exactly what I’m fucking talking about. You act so high and mighty but you’re not any fucking better than me.”
I stared at him for a minute. “This doesn’t feel like a very productive conversation.”
He stood suddenly, jostling the coffee table. “Fine! If that what you want so bad I’ll tell you the fucking truth. I'm falling in love with you.” He walked around the coffee table, pacing nervously. “And I've been worried that if I tell you that, that I'll ruin the best friendship I've ever fucking had. And I've probably been in love with you for a while now and then we started fucking and it was incredible but I don't know how to act around you anymore cuz everything changed now that I finally understand what I feel for you but we decided that we were just friends and the sex didn't mean anything and, fuck Ryland, you're the best thing thats ever happened to me and I couldn't stand it if I lost you.”
I stared at him, speechless.
He swallowed, nervously fidgeting with his hands. “Shit, Ryland, I'm sorry.” He rubbed the back of his neck, his other hand clenched tightly in a fist. I managed to find my voice as he turned to go.
“Wait, wait, Simon don't go.” I stood quickly, falling over myself and I crossed the room to grab his arm. “Sorry, wait let me get this right, you were scared to tell me you loved me cuz you thought I wouldn't want that?”
“I- yeah. We decided the sex wouldn't mean anything.”
“We?” I asked, scrunching my eyebrows. “I wasn't aware we decided anything. You were the one who wanted us to just stay friends.”
“Wuh- I- I thought that's what you wanted?” He said.
“I mean I guess I never really cared?” I said, scratching the back of my neck, my left hand still tangled in his right. “I just like you, Simon. I don't really care what we call it. I just want to be around you. So it kinda sucked the last few weeks cuz I haven't gotten to see you.”
“So- you- do you wanna date then?” He asked, wide eyed.
“Yeah, why not.” I said, smiling at him.
“Ok, yeah cool.” His ears reddened. “Can I… kiss you?”
“Yeah.”
He leaned up and pressed a chaste kiss to my lips. I closed my eyes and pulled him closer, humming happily.
I could get used to this.