Work Text:
Being in love should be something beautiful and magical. Something that makes your heart race and your stomach fill with butterflies when you catch sight of your beloved. It should be a feeling you want to hold on to forever.
Not for Juan.
For Juan, being in love felt like a disaster waiting to happen. His last relationship left him completely devastated, forcing him to pick up the pieces of his broken heart. Even now, when he thinks about Cucurucho, he feels a painful ache in his chest. He still hasn't fully healed, and to be completely honest, he's not sure if he ever will. Sometimes, he feels like he will carry these ugly feelings inside of him forever, unable to let himself open up to another person in this way ever again. He never wants to feel the way his breakup with Cucurucho made him feel. He put a lot of work into licking his wounds and building up these walls around his heart, meant to keep it safe.
That's why, when Graf confessed to him, Juan began to spiral. His confession was not only completely unexpected, but also so sincere that it made Juan feel things he hasn't let himself feel in quite a while.
He has never seen Graf in that way, never really considered him anything more than just a good friend. That is, until recently.
Graf's confession messed with his head because all of a sudden, he could see the option that had never been there before. The scariest part is that he can't say he's sure of his own feelings anymore. A few weeks ago, if someone had asked him if he was interested in Graf, he would have denied it without a second thought. But now? He's not sure, and it's driving him crazy.
Knowing how Graf feels about him made everything so much worse, because now Juan can't help but overthink their every interaction and the way Graf made him feel. Graf liking him opens up a possibility of Juan liking him back, and that thought alone terrifies him more than he would like to admit.
Graf was extremely sweet, kind, and gentle with Juan, which, in theory, shouldn't be a problem at all. But to Juan, it very much was, because it made him feel all kinds of emotions that were both scary and electrifying at the same time. Being wanted by Graf made something stir deep inside his chest, something he thought had been buried a long time ago.
He wanted to rip his heart out of his chest before someone else did it to him again. It would hurt less this way.
It didn't help that everything happened so fast, thus hitting him so much harder. One day, Graf is his friend, and the next day, Juan is painfully aware that Graf has a crush on him. Maybe even is in love with him, which is a terrifying thought that filled Juan with dread. But it's exciting at the same time, and he found himself thinking about it a lot. Thinking about Graf a lot.
The worst part was that he might actually like Graf back.
When Graf asked him to kiss him, Juan agreed, not because he wanted to make Graf happy, but because in that moment, he just really wanted to kiss Graf. Juan remembered how gently Graf cupped his cheek and how he looked at Juan, as if he were the only thing in the world.
If the possibility of him not liking Graf back existed before, it completely vanished in that moment. When Graf leaned in so close that all Juan could feel was his touch, and kissed him so sweetly that it made Juan's head spin, all he could think about was how much he wanted this. The realization terrified him so much that he could feel himself panicking when they separated, and Graf's gaze was so fond that it made his stomach flip.
When Juan falls in love, he falls hard, and he knows it. He didn't know how to love someone without letting it consume him entirely. He was intense in his feelings, and he didn't like to do things halfway.
He knew what would come next. Graf would get closer to him and realize just how broken Juan is; he would think that Juan is too much, and he would be right. And then he would leave. Panic clawed its way up Juan's throat at the thought of it.
So, he did the only thing he knew how to do — he ran away.
Avoiding Graf was harder than he thought it would be. Graf was really persistent, but in the nicest way possible. He wasn't pushy, and wasn't mean to Juan when he was being a dick to him. It would be easier if he were angry, but of course, stupid Graf with his stupid, big heart couldn't even get properly mad at Juan, who was actively trying to push him away.
He just didn't know what else to do. He didn't know how to face Graf without thinking about how much he wanted to kiss him again. Graf was on his mind all the time, and it was overwhelming in all the possible ways. He spent most of his time in his art shop, trying to occupy his mind with something else, but even that didn't help.
Every time he saw Graf during the week when they didn't talk, he just looked hurt, and it only made Juan feel worse. Which is probably the way he deserved to feel in this situation.
Every single emotion he's been feeling since Graf's confession culminated during BBQ Monday. He didn't remember every little detail because he got drunk out of his mind, but he remembered how good Graf looked, illuminated only by the firelight and the moonlight. He remembered acting like a pathetic mess around Graf. He remembered how hurt Graf sounded when he begged him to stop asking for another kiss. Only after that, he realized that by trying to protect his own heart, he might be breaking Graf's instead.
The guilt was eating him alive, and he finally reached out to Graf, and they talked about it.
To his surprise, things actually started to get better after their conversation. They agreed to take things slowly and be upfront with each other about their feelings. Juan promised to do his best.
Having an honest talk with Graf made him feel better because Graf was so gentle and understanding. It really felt like he was here to stay, no matter what happened to their relationship going forward, and it gave Juan the sense of security he needed.
So, he decided to give love another try.
Juan couldn't say he wasn't feeling nervous when Graf invited him on their proper first date, but he was excited as well. He didn't know what to expect. Graf only told him to dress comfortably when he asked, and to meet him near the Polish Cave.
When he came to their meeting location, Graf was already there, waiting for him, and-
Holy shit. He looked beautiful.
He was dressed in a white, linen shirt with floral embroidery along the collar and cuffs. On top of it, he had a black vest with shiny buttons. His shirt was tucked into orange pants, decorated with green stripes. He also had a sash to match, which was wrapped around his waist a couple of times. Juan felt his mouth go dry at the sight. Graf looked absolutely amazing.
"Hey, Juan," Graf greeted, and Juan realized that he had just been staring at him for a few seconds without replying.
"Hi- hello," he finally replied. Graf gave him a small smile, which only made Juan's heart beat faster. "You didn't tell me to dress up. Where are we going?"
"Oh, it's nothing fancy, don't worry. Besides, you look good today, just like you always do," Graf replied.
"Uh," Juan managed. His voice was a little higher-pitched than usual. "Thank you, you- you look good as well. Really good."
Graf's smile grew wider, and Juan noticed a faint blush spreading on his cheeks.
"Thank you," he said softly. "It's a Polish traditional folk costume. I was hoping you would like it."
'Like it' didn't even begin to describe it. Juan wanted to kiss him stupid.
"Sooo, is the date here, or what?" he asked.
"No, I have a nice spot I want to show you, come on," Graf said, and reached out a hand. Juan grabbed it, trying not to freak out too much, and Graf pulled out his warpstone, teleporting them somewhere. Juan closed his eyes.
When he opened them, they were standing on a high mountain above the Polish Cave. The view was breathtaking — Juan could see almost the entire island spread below them. It was gorgeous.
"Wow," he managed, taking the view in. "It's beautiful."
Graf smiled brightly at his words and led him to a thick blanket spread across the grass near the mountain's ledge, with a picnic basket on top. When they sat down, Graf let go of his hand, and Juan immediately missed the contact.
"I'm glad you like it. I wanted to take you here for quite a while, but it didn't feel right before."
Juan nodded, understanding what Graf meant. The spot was undoubtedly romantic. It felt like a place you go to for a date.
Graf started pulling food out of the basket. He had prepared some sandwiches, juice, and cupcakes. Everything looked amazing.
"I wasn't sure what kind of cupcakes you would like, so I made a few of every flavor. I have vanilla, chocolate, blueberry, and carrot," Graf said. Juan felt a surge of affection at his words. Graf really went out of his way to make him happy, didn't he?
"Oh my god," he said, grabbing a sandwich from Graf. "You made them yourself? You didn't have to, I would eat anything, but chocolate is my favorite."
Graf smiled at him, "I'll keep that in mind for next time."
Somehow, this simple statement made Juan's heart skip a beat. Graf promised to remember his favorite flavor for next time, paying attention to small details like this about Juan. Like Juan was something worth knowing completely.
"I've been thinking about what you told me the other day," Graf started, his tone measured and careful. Juan felt his body tense up at the words. He knew he shouldn't be scared, but knowing is always easier than doing.
"Really," he mustered.
"About being hurt before. I don't know the exact details of your relationship with Cucurucho, and you don't have to tell me. I'm not trying to- What I want to say is, I want to do this with you, if you'll let me."
"I'm still scared," Juan admitted. Graf, sensing his distress, put his hand over Juan's own on the blanket. Juan squeezed it hard. "I don't want it to sound bad, it's not because of you, I think you're great, Graf, it's just- I don't know how to stop being scared of this."
He gestured at the air between them.
"I know, I know," Graf reassured him, squeezing his hand back. His firm touch was grounding in a way. "It's okay. I'll try to make it as not-scary as possible for you. I meant it when I said I won't break your heart."
"I want to believe you, I do, I just- I think I need time to really believe it."
"Well, that's great because I have all the time in the world for you."
"Graf, you need to know this about me if we are going to do this." he took a deep breath and started speaking. "I'm not good at being casual, I just- I don't do things like most people. When I feel something, I feel it hard. Does that make sense? I don't know how to explain it, I'm just… intense."
Graf was looking at him attentively and nodding, encouraging Juan to go on.
"It's really overwhelming sometimes. Because I don't know how to- I'm not good at dealing with my emotions. When I get angry, I get really angry. And when I'm in… love, I feel like I'm going crazy. That's also part of why I panicked so hard after we kissed. I realized- I- I think I like you too, Graf. You need to know that when I'm in a relationship with someone, I'm not… I don't want to do this casually. I'm not easy to love."
Graf was quiet for a second, taking in everything Juan just said. It was a terrifying silence, but Graf's hand was still firmly holding his own in a reassuring way.
"Thank you for telling me," he said, after a while. "But I know this about you, Juan. I know you can be intense, and I don't mind. I would even say it's part of the reason why I fell for you in the first place. Your devotion to the people you love is one of my favorite things about you. I know how you get when you're angry or hurt, and I want that too, I want all of you."
Juan felt his throat tighten with emotion at Graf's words. Some part of him was still waiting for Graf to tell him he's too much, and that he changed his mind, but the words never came. Graf saying he doesn't mind, like it could be as simple as that. Assuring that he likes all the ugliest parts of Juan, that he wants Juan despite his flaws… Juan can see himself falling in love with this man.
"If it means anything to you, the way I feel about you is not casual at all," Graf admitted quietly, gazing somewhere in the distance, before looking back at him.
Juan let out a shaky breath. It felt like something wanted to claw its way out of his chest. He searched Graf's face for a hint of hesitation, but he was only met with his fond gaze.
"That- That's good. Yeah," he muttered, taking a sandwich from the basket and stuffing his face with it before he had the chance to do something stupid. Like grabbing Graf's beautiful face and kissing him until he can't breathe. He needed to give it some more time.
They didn't talk for a while after that, eating the food and enjoying each other's company in comfortable silence. Juan couldn't help himself and kept stealing glances at Graf. How could he not, when Graf looked absolutely stunning?
"You're staring," Graf said after a while, amusement clear in his voice. Juan felt a little embarrassed at being the one called out this time. He felt his face heat up. He wanted to avert his gaze for a second, but he decided to be brave instead.
"Yes, because you look really good. You're so pretty in this outfit," he said. Graf's reaction was completely worth it. Juan watched as his entire face turned red and he inhaled sharply.
"Oh, I- You think so?" Graf stammered, voice quiet.
Juan giggled at how flustered Graf got just from such a small compliment. But then again, he wasn't better himself, and he knew it. He just enjoyed being the one to get that reaction out of Graf for once.
"I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it," he replied softly. "I really like your outfit, and this place, and the food. Everything is amazing, really."
"I'm so glad you like it," Graf said, smiling at him. "Thank you for agreeing to come.
"Thank you for inviting me," he replied, and after a bit of thought, he added, "I will organize something for the next time."
Graf's eyes widened, and he let out a breathless little laugh. He stared at him with a hopeful look in his eyes. Juan wanted to hold his hand again, but he didn't know if he should reach over and do it. He just settled on smiling back at Graf.
"I can't wait."
Their second official date happened in Molly's Hello Kitty cafe. Juan chose this place because he remembered Graf had mentioned before how much he likes cats, and, well, Hello Kitty was a cat, right? But as it turned out, Graf was really happy with his choice, and they had a great time again.
Then the third date happened. Then the fourth, the fifth, and so on. Not much changed, but at the same time, everything changed. They were hanging out a lot more, just like before, which made Juan very happy. They went on dates, but they were also spending a lot of time together in general. Juan wasn't sure what the difference is between a date and a regular hangout, but it didn't matter because every second spent with Graf was amazing. Sometimes they would go out together and do more elaborate things, but other times Graf would just sit in Juan’s art store and watch him paint for hours.
Graf put in so much effort to make Juan happy, but when Juan really thought about it, Graf had always done that, even before any confessions. Graf went out of his way to make sure Juan was always comfortable, had eaten, was well-rested, and so on. He remembered all the small details about Juan, such as his favorite food or ice cream flavor. It makes Juan feel seen in a way he hasn't in a long time. Like he was someone worth knowing.
There was only one thing Juan hated about it. Taking things slow meant Graf barely touched him anymore. Before he confessed, he always found a way to touch Juan, whether by sitting so close that there was barely any space left between them or brushing his fingers against Juan's hand "on accident"; they were touching a lot. Now, Graf stopped doing it. Probably because of the way Juan freaked out and avoided him after their kiss last time. He sometimes hated how considerate Graf can be.
It’s not that they never touched; they did, but almost always when Juan initiated it. When he hugged Graf, Graf hugged back, but he never asked for a hug first, never reached out, only meeting Juan halfway. It left Juan aching for more.
He hated it because he found himself missing their casual intimacy. Especially now, after he knew how kissing Graf felt, he yearned for something more. He wanted to hold hands, wanted to be embraced by Graf, and most of all, wanted to kiss him again. He wanted to kiss Graf until their lips were raw and wanted to hold him so hard that there were Juan-shaped bruises left on his skin for everyone to see.
The problem was, he was still working on this whole 'asking for things you want' thing, and he was a little too embarrassed to talk to Graf about it. He knew Graf would be kind about it, would understand, but he found it hard to start this conversation.
He found himself lying in bed at night, imagining what it would feel like to be embraced by Graf. That would have to be enough for the time being.
Juan was going to kill Tina.
When he looked inside his closet after letting Tina borrow his clothes, all his shirts were cut below the chest, and his only pair of pants had been turned into shorts. Quite short shorts. Despite his annoyance, he had no choice but to wear them this way, because all of his other clothes were currently dirty, and he cursed himself for procrastinating doing the laundry for this long. He definitely needs to get some new clothes now, but for the time being, he had to put on the horrendous outfit Tina left him with.
He groaned when he remembered that he was supposed to meet with Graf soon. Great, he's gonna look like an idiot. Maybe he can still cancel? No, that would make Graf sad. He just had to endure the embarrassment.
He reluctantly dressed himself, and when he looked in the mirror, he immediately cringed at the sight. The cut-up shirt exposed his midriff, and the shorts left his whole thighs uncovered. He looked more stupid than ever. All the hopes of ground swallowing him whole before anyone had the chance to see him as this went out the window when Foolish came back to the mansion. The second he passed by Juan's office, he stopped dead in his tracks and burst out laughing.
"Don't even say anything," he warned Foolish, who was already doubling over from laughter.
"No, no, you look good, it suits you," Foolish managed to wheeze out, wiping a tear that spilled from his eye. Juan rolled his eyes, feeling even angrier.
"I have to see Graf today! He can't see me like this," he lamented.
"Ooh, really? I think out of all the people, he should see you like this." He gave Juan a mischievous grin. "He's gonna freak out."
Juan huffed with annoyance, paying no mind to Foolish's teasing. He paces around his office in the stupid outfit, only distinctly hearing Foolish leave again to take care of his own matters.
Soon after that, Juan heard the familiar buzz of teleportation nearby, and Graf's voice called out his name.
"Juan?"
"Yeah, yeah, coming," he yelled back, and braced himself for seeing Graf like this. Before he had the chance to panic again, he made himself go to his room, where he knew Graf had teleported. "Just don't be scared when you see me."
"Why would I-" Juan stepped into the room before Graf had the chance to finish the sentence, and the man froze mid-word.
Juan immediately looked to the floor, embarrassed to meet Graf's eyes in this state.
"Tina got her hands on my clothes," he murmured. "Sorry, I don't have anything else to wear! We need to do my laundry before we do any fun stuff."
His only reply was a long silence. He finally found the courage to look at Graf, now more scared of his reaction, and when he looked up, Graf's eyes were blown wide, and his entire face was red. Was Graf… flustered by the sight of him in this outfit? Juan has never seen him look this red before.
"Graf?"
Graf swallowed hard and eyed him from head to toe. "You- You look good."
Juan let out a sharp laugh, waiting for Graf to laugh along, but Graf didn't even smile. He looked serious.
"I look stupid," he said, a little dumbfounded at the sincerity in Graf's voice.
"You look so handsome." Graf's eyes were still trained on his waist. Juan felt himself grow a little shy under the intensity of his gaze.
He felt a surge of surprised affection in his chest at the unexpected compliment. The usually calm and reserved Graf's reaction to seeing him in a revealing outfit was really flattering. He enjoyed seeing this side of Graf, and he enjoyed being the one who got that reaction out of him even more.
Suddenly, he stopped feeling as self-conscious as before under the pleasant weight of Graf's attention and started feeling a bit bold. Lately, he's been finding it less scary and more exciting — being the object of Graf's affection. Sure, it still was terrifying most of the time, but Graf made him want more, instead of wanting to hide away and never come back.
"Oh? You really like it? Really, really like it?" he said, failing to try to hide the wide smile that appeared on his face.
He stepped closer to Graf, who stared at him with slightly parted lips. His pupils were blown wide, and he looked like he wanted to devour Juan.
"Yeah," he replied softly. "I do."
With the stroke of his newfound boldness, he grabbed Graf's hands and placed them on his exposed waist. Graf inhaled sharply, but he immediately grabbed Juan and pulled him closer. They were standing chest to chest, and Juan wanted to melt into the man in front of him.
"I have a question," he said, looking up at Graf. "You've been really careful since we kissed that time. Like you're scared to touch me. Is it my fault?"
Graf's fingers tensed around his waist. For a second, Juan was scared that he would pull away, but he didn't.
"No, God, Juan. It's not your fault, I just didn't want to overstep, since we were supposed to take things slowly," he said. "The last time you ran away from me. I didn't want to push you too hard."
Juan winced at the memory. So, it was somewhat his fault. But he knew a way to fix it now.
"I'm not running again," he said. "Back then, I told you I couldn't stop thinking about kissing you again."
"Yeah?" Graf asked in a hopeful tone.
"I still can't."
He felt Graf's fingers dig even harder into his waist, and he shivered under his touch. Graf searched his face for a few moments, but he seemed to like what he found. He leaned down and finally, finally kissed Juan again.
He pulled Juan even closer, holding him as close as physically possible to his own body. The kiss was very gentle at first, but Juan wanted more. He can't be blamed; he's been thinking about this for way too long. He wrapped his arms around Graf's neck, pulling him down and deepening their kiss. Graf let out a surprised gasp into his mouth, but he quickly recovered. He tilted his head, giving Juan a better angle. One of Graf's hands slipped under the hem of Juan's cropped shirt, and he shivered at the contact.
When they broke away, they were both breathless. Juan felt a little dizzy from the intensity of the kiss, and he was overwhelmed in the best possible way. This was everything he's been craving and more. He wanted to have this.
"I really like kissing you," he said, giggling with joy. "I like it when you touch me."
"I like it too," Graf smiled at him. "But promise to tell me if you ever feel overwhelmed?"
Oh, sweet Graf. Always so considerate.
"I promise, I'll try to talk to you before I panic too hard," he replied.
"Okay. Then you can kiss me anytime you want."
"What if I want to kiss you right now?"
Instead of answering, Graf grabbed his face in both of his hands and kissed him again. Juan let himself melt into it. He relished in the feeling of being loved.
They were sitting on a bench right next to each other at BBQ Monday. Their tights were pressed together, and their hands were loosely intertwined. This was something they found themselves doing a lot lately, the casual affection, no matter where they were. The event has just started, so more people were slowly arriving, and everyone was still running around, making last-minute adjustments.
"Juan, leave your boyfriend alone for a second and come help us," Tina yelled from beside the table. She was holding a huge tray of food, and Juan wasn't sure if she really needed his help, but he didn't question her.
"Yeah, yeah, coming," Juan said, reluctantly peeling himself away from Graf's side and getting up. He turned to Graf and said, "I'll be right back."
"Can you make some space for this?" Tina asked when he came up to her. He complied, making space between the plates and bowls, helping Tina put the heavy tray down.
She smiled at him and immediately asked, "Is he treating you well?"
"Tina!" he hissed, looking back at Graf to see if he heard it. He was looking at them, but it didn't seem like he overheard. At least, he didn't have any sort of reaction if he did.
"What? We haven't had the chance to talk about your whole Graf thing in detail. You've been way too distressed about it, and it didn't want to push you. But you seem fine now."
"We will talk, I will tell you everything, just- Now's not the time!"
Tina rolled her eyes, "Okay, okay, just answer the question."
"He is. He's good to me, Tina." A small smile tugged at his lips. Graf was making him soft.
Tina's expression warped into something warm and genuine. She pulled him into a quick hug.
"I'm glad to hear that, Juan. I'm happy for you," she said when they let go of each other. "Go have fun. But we need to sing at least one song together, okay?"
"You got it!" he replied, and came back to sit on his spot next to Graf.
Graf smiled at him, and one of his arms wrapped around Juan's waist, pulling him close again. Juan put his head on Graf's shoulder and closed his eyes, enjoying the moment.
"You didn't protest," Graf said after a while. Juan's eyes snapped open. "When Tina called me your boyfriend. You didn't correct her."
Huh. He really didn't.
"Yeah…" he said, heart beating faster. "I guess it just-"
"Yes?" Graf asked carefully.
"It just felt right."
He meant it. They never made it official, but they have been acting like boyfriends for god knows how long. They were going on dates, kissing, and doing all the couple-y stuff. They've been boyfriends in everything but the name.
Graf's whole face lit up at his words. "It did?"
"Yes, I think I like you being my boyfriend. If you like it too, that is," Juan said
"Juan, I've wanted to be your boyfriend for ages."
"Well, you practically already were!" Juan exclaimed. His chest felt full with affection. Graf leaned down and pressed a quick kiss into his hair.
"I love you, you know," Graf said to him. Juan's heart started to race even faster, and for a second, he thought he might be having a medical emergency. His whole face heated up. He buried it into Graf's shoulder. "You don't have to say it back. I just wanted you to know."
Graf loves him. Graf is in love with him. A few months ago, this thought would only be terrifying, but now Juan wants to let Graf's love sink deep into his bones so it can stay with him forever.
I think I do too, Juan thought, but he didn't say it out loud just yet. Instead, he grabbed Graf's face and pulled him into a kiss. He trailed his fingers along Graf's jawline and focused on putting all of his love for the man into this one kiss.
One day, he will say it back, and he knows Graf will wait for him.