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The sultry smell of the air permeated throughout the lot. Ponyboy couldn’t help but smile at the sense of familiarity. He felt safe in the lot with Johnny by his side. Their friendship was almost different, because they could confide in each other.
Ponyboy knew Johnny would listen and not judge or make fun of him like the rest of the gang, excluding Sodapop. He only felt truly comfortable sharing his feelings or thoughts with Johnny or Soda.
Johnny knew Ponyboy would always be there for him. Each day it got harder and harder to listen to his folks arguing. Whenever he hung out with Ponyboy, everything seemed to be worth it. Living. Not running away. Hell, Ponyboy might’ve been the only reason Johnny wasn’t dead.
“Johnny?” Pony muttered.
“Yeah Pone?”
A feeling deep in Pony’s core arose. It was a warm, tingly feeling in his stomach.
“Pone?” Johnny’s words reminded him of reality. Ponyboy had always been somewhat of a daydreamer, so it was nothing out of the ordinary.
Pony questioned why he suddenly felt so nervous.
“Uhm. Sorry, yeah.” He managed to spit out.
“You said my name earlier. Anything ya got on your mind Pone?”
“Ah… sorry Johnny I forgot already.” Ponyboy hoped he couldn’t hear how fast his heart was beating. Why was he nervous? It was just Johnny.
He tried to imagine someone else. Cherry Valance. Her red hair, her smile, his olive skin, his greased black hair that always seemed to frame his face nicely. No, his mind kept wandering back to Johnny. Marcia. No, Johnny’s smirk. Soda. Nope. Johnny’s beautiful brown eyes. Beautiful? That was a new one.
No, no. Ponyboy didn’t know what to label the feeling but he knew he had to keep it hidden. He wouldn’t want to ruin their friendship. After everything they’ve been through?
“What time is it? I think I ought to get home before Darry gets mad.” Ponyboy managed to find an excuse.
“Yeah, yeah it’s alright man. I think I’ll stay out here for now. Bye Pony.” Johnny started to shift around, trying to get comfortable. The asphalt looked uncomfortable, but Johnny developed the skill to sleep anywhere.
Ponyboy couldn’t help always feeling bad for Johnny when he stayed out in the lot. Everyone did, considering his situation. What if a soc got him?
“Bye, Johnnycakes. Hey… if it gets real cold you know you can always come over right? I mean it Johnny.” Ponyboy knew how hesitant Johnny could be at accepting these offers. He knew it was because Johnny felt like he was a burden. But he really didn’t care. He only wanted him to be safe.
“Thanks Pone.” Despite the darkness, Ponyboy could see him softly smiling.
Ponyboy briskly walked home, still paranoid after socs jumped him going back home from the movie theater. He remembered how Johnny got beaten by four socs. His face twisted in disgust, then anger. How could they do that to Johnny? Johnny. Of all people. He already had it bad enough. Pony tried to remember his face after the incident. He now wanted to erase it from his mind.
“Hey Pone!” Soda greeted him and pulled him into a noogie. Pony couldn’t help but grin.
“Hey Pony. Where have you been?” Darry promptly asked.
“Oh, I was with Johnny. We were just talking and stuff.” Darry always seemed to loosen his stern expression whenever Johnny was mentioned. He knew he was a good kid.
“Alright, go to sleep soon.” Darry pushed off the doorway he was leaned against to leave.
Pony’s mind kept wandering in bed. He couldn’t seem to get any sleep. Pony kept thinking of Johnny, even when he tried not to. The way the sunset would leave Johnny’s skin a golden hue. The way he would admire those sunsets, his lips slightly parted and curved at the corner like a smile. Stop, he told himself. It ain’t right.
The wind picked up and the night wasn’t getting any warmer. Johnny shivered. He started to stress when he saw a car circling around. He couldn’t tell if they were socs and he was the victim, or if they were just lost. He decided he didn’t want to play his chances and started to walk home. He’d rather his parents beat him than the socs.
He picked up his pace as he walked down the street. When he got home, the lights were still on. Johnny could practically hear every nasty word his folks were saying to each other. Did he really want to go home? It’s not like his parents care anyway.
Johnny decided to stay out. He was tired, and in no mood for a beating. He knew as soon as he stepped in the house they’d take their anger out on him. He was nothing but a burden. Another mouth to feed. Another inconvenience. Hatred burned deep inside for his horrible old man and arrogant mother.
Johnny didn’t want to stay in the lot either. He thought about what Ponyboy said. Maybe he’d just crash there. But he didn’t want to be a problem. He didn’t have much of a choice.
He walked up to the door, and as soon as he heard his parents start screaming at each other again, he called it quits. Johnny had to sleep in the lot.
He sauntered around for a while, trying to figure out if the car was still there. Much to his disappointment, he found the same car circling around. The car started to approach Johnny. His stomach dropped.
The cold air started to get harsher and more unforgiving. Johnny sped walked to the Curtis house. He practically started to plan an apology for disturbing them on the way.
The car was definitely following him. This was the last thing he needed.
Ponyboy was still awake. His mind kept torturing him. Pony decided to go for a smoke to clear his mind. He crept out of the room, trying not to wake up Soda.
Johnny finally arrived at the Curtis' house. He lifted his arm to knock, but hesitated. The car approached faster and faster. He still didn’t dare to knock. To his surprise, the car passed him. Relief washed over him. He started to turn around but he heard the door unlock.
Johnny let out a small yelp as the door swung open. It was… Ponyboy?
Pony was dumbfounded. Johnny at his doorstep? He never really came over unannounced. “Johnny? Hey!” Ponyboy tried to smirk, but it ended in a crooked smile.
“Ah… Ponyboy. W-what are ya doin?” He said, almost in a whisper.
“Couldn’t sleep. I was gonna come out here for a quick smoke. What happened?” Pony asked.
“Oh. I just uh… there was a car following me. I think they’re gone now though. My parents were fightin… so I decided to come here. Sorry. I’ll go back to the lot.”
“What? Ah Johnny… don’t be sorry. Why don’t you stay here for the night? So damn cold outside, how are you still alive? I’m sure Darry and Soda won’t mind. Come on, get in here.” Pony gestured for him to enter.
Johnny felt guilty but he knew Pony wouldn’t drop it. Plus, he was right. It was freezing.
Pony closed the door and threw his arm around Johnny. Johnny could feel heat rise to cheeks. Shoot, why was he flustered in the first place? Maybe it was Pony’s warmth.
“How come you couldn’t catch any sleep Pone? Something ya want to talk about?” Johnny innocently asked.
Ponyboy internally screamed. Johnny could never know about what went on in his head.
“Ah, nothing Johnny. My mind just keeps drifting.” Johnny. Johnny. Johnny loved how Ponyboy said his name. Not with anger or disappointment. Just as a… friend. Friend, yeah.
“Didn’t ya want to smoke?”
“Ehh. I already smoked a pack this week. If I do more I’ll finish last in track. I guess I just needed to walk around or something.” Pony fluffed a pillow on the sofa as he chuckled.
“Ponyboy?” Johnny said.
“Yeah?”
“Thanks…” Johnny shifted in his chair.
“No problem! I’m glad you came honestly. Don’t want you out in the cold.”
Johnny was hit with a pang of sadness. Ponyboy really cared. He thought of his parents, his mother, his father. All they felt for him was hatred. Tears started to form in his eyes. He felt so pathetic. He hated feeling weak— especially in front of others. Johnny had always upheld himself to some dignity, but he felt so lost. It was a feeling he definitely didn’t appreciate. What did he do wrong? Why couldn’t they love him? He knew the answer— but didn’t want to believe it.
“Johnny? You okay?” Ponyboy noticed. Johnny couldn’t help himself. He started to cry.
“Don’t cry Johnny… don’t cry.” Pony tightly embraced him and stroked his hair.
“S-sorry Pone…” Johnny sputtered.
“Don’t be Johnny! It’s okay…” Pony wasn’t the best at comforting, so he stayed put hugging Johnny and running his fingers through his hair, hoping that would do something. He messed up some of the grease Johnny put on his hair but he didn’t say anything about it.
They stayed in the same position for a while. Johnny’s tears soaked Pony’s shirt— but Pony could care less.
The golden sunlight awoke Johnny. His eyes fluttered as they tried to adjust to the sun. Ponyboy was sound asleep under him. Under him… shoot. He was on top of Ponyboy!
He could feel the rise and fall of Pony’s chest. He fell asleep nuzzled into Pony’s neck. That’s just great. Johnny couldn’t help but blush, praying no one would walk in on them. He didn’t know if he should move or stay there. Deep down, Johnny wanted to stay right there, his head nuzzled into Pony’s neck, and his limbs sprawled out. Although, if anyone saw the scene he’d for sure be dead. If it got out, the Socs would definitely kill him— for real. First, he’d probably be humiliated, then cut to pieces. Sheesh.
Johnny tried to compose himself and remember last night. Oh great, he cried to Pony. Pony deserves a better friend, not a good for nothing screw up who cries all the time, he thought. Johnny still couldn’t believe that Pony actually cared for him. He thought he was incapable of being loved.
Pony looked very, well— handsome in the sunlight. Maybe pretty was a better word. He was the epitome of an earth angel, Johnny thought. Johnny could smell Pony. He didn’t smell bad, quite the opposite actually. It was an indescribable smell, but the closest description was the scent of skin, cotton, cigarettes, and metal. Johnny liked his scent. Not in any weird way. At least that’s what he told himself.
Johnny’s heartbeat started to pump faster. He started to move with caution, trying not to wake Pony up.
Suddenly, Pony’s eyes shot open. His eyes darted back and forth to Johnny and the position they were in. Pony’s face instantly turned red. Johnny thought if he acted clueless Pony wouldn’t suspect anything.
“P-Pony? Uhm… you okay? You’re kind of red. Is it too hot?” Pony was too distracted by Johnny’s beautiful eyes, not processing anything he said. Beautiful? No, well… nice. Nice eyes.
“Uhm. Y-yeah.” Neither of them moved. They probably should, but neither wanted to— even if they wouldn’t ever verbally admit it.
Pony finally broke the silence. “Uh. Well I guess…” He hoped his breath didn’t smell or anything. Why did he only care about what he smelled or looked like when Johnny was around?
“Oh… yeah. Sorry.” Johnny looked away, still flustered. He awkwardly scooted off of Pony, getting sad at the loss of the presence of the other boy.
“You want breakfast Johnny?” Pony asked. Johnny nodded his head. Pony couldn’t help grin at his cute nod. Cute? Appreciative. Appreciative nod. He only smiled because Johnny appreciates him— of course. No other reason.
Pony made his way to the kitchen and started to make breakfast for the two of them. This weekend, Soda and Darry had work early. He assumed they had let him sleep in. Pony’s heart dropped when he realized they might’ve seen Johnny and him sleeping together. He hoped they had brushed it off and thought nothing of it. Shoot.
Johnny sat there for a while, still trying to process everything. Ambivalent feelings overwhelmed him. He felt ashamed but he couldn’t help it. Johnny kept thinking about Pony’s crooked smile, his scent, his hair. Johnny covered his face with both hands and whined out of frustration, forgetting Ponyboy could still hear him.
Johnny was adorable… Pony couldn’t help it. He almost even dropped the eggs he was holding. Johnny was so cute when he was flustered. “You alright Johnny? Bad morning?” Pony said.
“Uh! No… sorry.” Johnny sunk further into his hands. Much to his surprise, he could see Pony smiling ear to ear.
“Good?… morning?” Johnny said shyly. Pony couldn’t wipe the grin off his face whenever he was with Johnny. He started to indulge in daydreaming about Johnny more and more. Pony told himself it was nothing and he was just thinking of him as a friend.
“Yeah, Johnny.” Pony happily said.
“Why so giddy, Curtis?” Johnny teased. Pony turned a deep shade of crimson. His lips pressed together and furrowed his brows. Johnny never called him that. And for some reason, he liked it. Really, really liked it. It left him with the same warm, tingly feeling in his stomach again.
“Nothin!” Pony giggled.
“Hey, I have a track meet today, if you wanna come. You… you don’t have to though.” Pony gave him the same crooked smile that melted Johnny’s heart.
“Sure!” Johnny accepted— a little too eager. He slumped back on the sofa. Pony couldn’t stop looking at him. He knew why, but didn’t accept it. The eggs sizzled in the pan. Pony had almost completely forgotten about them. That was, he was too distracted by Johnny. But he would never admit that. To others or himself.
Pony was unfortunately forced to snap back to reality. Darry was right, he needed to use his head. Instead of… being distracted. He made his eggs just the way he liked it, hard boiled. Pony made sunny-side up eggs for Johnny, as he mentioned he liked them that way once.
“Here ya go Johnnycakes.” Pony sat down next to Johnny, handing him a plate of a sunny-side up egg, just the way he liked it. Pony turned the TV on, and they sat in silence with the only noise being produced from the cartoons. Both boys finished their food with haste, and Pony collected the plates to wash later.
“When’s your track meet?” Johnny asked, his eyes still on the TV.
“Pretty soon actually. I need to get my stuff but then I’ll be ready to go.” Pony smiled and trailed off to his room. He quickly grabbed everything he needed, not wanting Johnny to wait too long. All of a sudden he cared about impressing Johnny, and looking good when he was around.
“Ready to go?” Johnny asked. Pony gave a nod and they made their way to the school’s athletic fields. Most of their conversation was about how both of them were doing, a bunch of shallow talk. The past few days were a bit awkward between them. Pony shuddered when their hands brushed against each other. Whenever Johnny looked in another direction, Pony would steal quick glances of him, hoping he wouldn’t get caught.
Eventually, they made it to the track. “Hey, I gotta change.” Pony looked around. He felt bad leaving Johnny all by his lonesome. “Wanna come?”
“Uh, are you sure? I ain’t apart of the team or anything.” Johnny scrunched his eyebrows.
“Nah. It’s okay, people bring randos in the locker room all the time. Don’t wanna leave you all by yourself here to lone it.” Pony wrapped one arm around Johnny’s neck.
Ponyboy… he was in a locker room with Ponyboy… and he was changing… Johnny started to blush again. It’s normal. Changing in front of your friend is normal. Then why was Johnny so red? You fool, Johnny thought. Pony was just Pony. He had always been inviting and warm. Johnny wasn’t special. No, he couldn’t be. He was overthinking. Ponyboy was friendly, and Johnny was overthinking everything. Johnny’s breath hitched. It was like he forgot how to breathe. His heart pounded faster with each uneven breath.
Johnny leaned on a nearby locker. Ponyboy pulled his shirt off with no hesitation. Johnny didn’t know whether to turn around or stay how he was. If he turned around— at-least he was polite, but then it would make it awkward. If he didn’t turn around, it would establish they were friends comfortable with each other, but at the same time an invasion of privacy. Johnny resorted to keeping his eyes fixed on the ceiling.
He couldn’t help but sneak a few glances at Pony. Johnny wanted to die on the spot. Absolute perfection, Johnny thought. Pony was absolute perfection. His eyes lingered a little too long on him. He was pretty skinny but slightly toned. Johnny couldn’t help but let his eyes glaze all over Pony’s arms and chest. He shuddered as Pony started to take his jeans off. Johnny covered his mouth and forced himself to take a deep breath.
Johnny was a deep shade of scarlet. He could barely talk. After finally leaving the locker room, a sigh of relief escaped Johnny’s mouth.
He knew it was wrong and didn’t want to admit it, but Ponyboy was… handsome. He tried thinking of other girls, but he only could think about Pony. Johnny tried— so hard— to stop thinking of Pony like that. No, he’s just a brother. A best friend. But he wasn’t. Johnny unconsciously frowned at the thought of Pony getting married to a woman. Maybe they’d have a kid or two. They would laugh and dance together. They would kiss their kids goodnight and watch TV in the evening. It hurt so much to even think about it. But that’s how the story would go— likely. Silent tears welled up in his eyes. How could he get so mad just thinking about it?
Pony liked participating in the sprinting events, as he enjoyed the way the air would wrap around him as he raced across the track. Long distance running wasn’t much in his favor, but he’d get it done anyway. Deep down he hoped that Johnny would be impressed— well, only because everyone would want to impress a friend, right?
As soon as he positioned himself on the track, all he could think about was Johnny. He took one last deep breath.
The gun fired, breaking the agonizing silence.
Pony sprinted, every ounce of energy being used to push his legs against the red track beneath him. He felt his lungs burn and the breeze against his skin. He closed his eyes, quick flashes of Johnny’s face appearing. Pony pushed himself even faster against the wind.
Johnny watched from the bleachers with a small smile on his face.
Pony immediately rushed to Johnny after the meet. Johnny opened his arms, signaling for a hug. Pony collapsed onto him, his face falling into the valley between his shoulder and neck.
Pony was all sweaty and his hair had gotten messed up, but for some reason it triggered something in Johnny. He brushed his fingers through Pony’s hair. As soon as he did it, he quickly pulled away.
Surprised, Pony looked up. They were close. Too close. Pony could even feel Johnny’s breathing. Even worse, or maybe— even better, Johnny’s arms were wrapped around Pony. After a few awkward seconds of silence they pulled away.
“Hey, good job Pone. I forget how fast you run, huh?” Johnny said.
Pony’s face lit up. He grinned crazily. Pony always had an expression that was true to his feelings. He wasn’t very good at displaying a poker face. He couldn’t help it. “Thanks Johnnycakes. Probably gotta smoke less, or else I ain’t making it next year…” Pony threw his arm around him as Johnny chuckled.
Johnny had always slept on Pony’s bed when they had sleepovers, but this time it felt… different. Johnny still didn’t know whether it was good different or bad different. Pony took his side of the bed as usual and faced the wall, their backs against each other. Pony decided to invite him over that night for a sleepover, like the good ol days. Soda was out doing heaven knows what.
“Pony?” Johnny murmured, hoping he didn’t disturb him.
“Yeah?” Pony replied, wide awake.
“I wanna ask ya something. It’s gonna sound stupid…”
“What is it?”
Johnny paused.
“Uh, you ever kissed anyone?” Johnny instantly regretted the words that escaped his mouth.
“No…” Pony sheepishly admitted.
“Really? I mean your pretty good-looking and-“ Johnny realized what he had just said. He froze.
“Johnny. You ever kissed someone? Any broad or anything?” Pony broke the awkwardness, heart fluttering due to the other boy’s earlier comment.
“Well. No. The thing is Pone… I.. I uh..”
“What?” Ponyboy eagerly said.
Another moment of silence.
“You think I’m good-lookin?” Pone whispered.
Johnny turned around, facing Ponyboy’s back. “Better than any broad.” Johnny muttered, half hoping he wouldn’t hear it.
Ponyboy soon turned around, now they were face to face. “You ever kissed a boy?”
“Nah! Why would I?” Johnny knew what he said was a lie.
Pony couldn’t help but have a sad expression displayed on his face. Great. Of course. Why the hell would Johnny be interested in a boy? Pony was stupid for even asking. Darry was right. He never used his brain.
Soft moonlight shone on Pony’s face. Johnny thought he looked prettier than ever. Johnny sat up, and Ponyboy followed too. “Sorry.” Pony murmured.
Johnny looked at him real good, and leaned in. He kissed Ponyboy. Pony didn’t resist, leaning into it. Johnny thought Pony’s lips were so soft, compared to his own chapped lips. His warmth consumed Pony. All Pony wanted to do was run his hands through his hair and tell him how much he loved him. He pulled away with a gasp. Johnny frowned and covered his face with his hands.
“Shoot! I’m sorry Ponyboy… I’m sorry. I’m sorry.. sorry.. I didn’t mean to-“ He was shaking, in utter disbelief.
“I… but.. I ain’t no queer!“ Pony’s brain short-circuited.
“I ain’t no queer either!” Johnny cried, rocking himself back and forth.
So why did I like it? Ponyboy thought. I ain’t no queer, so why did I like it? Pony swallowed hard. No, no, no, no. This can’t be true.
Pony got up and left. He left the house and started running. Just running. He didn’t know where he was going. He just ran.
Ponyboy started to sob. Why was he like this? Why did he do this? He thought about what the gang would say. What his brothers would say. No one could know. This could never get out. But he couldn’t resist Johnny.
When he finally got to the lot, he sat down.
He started to let everything out. He cried for himself, for Johnny, and the fact that he liked him. A lot. Pony was a queer. Tears and hiccups kept escaping his eyes and mouth, as he wallowed in self pity. “No, no, no. I like girls. I like girls. I like girls.” He kept repeating, but he knew he was lying. “I like Johnny.” He softly said under his breath, admitting it.
After a few minutes and reflection on his relationship with Johnny, he decided what he really wanted. Just before he got up to go back home, Johnny appeared. He looked a bit flushed and out of breath, Pony assuming he ran to find him. He still thought he looked beautiful as ever.
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry Ponyboy” Johnny said between deep breaths. His voice cracked.
Pony stood up and walked closer. He cupped Johnny’s face with his hands, pulling him closer to admire his face.
“You’re real beautiful— you know that pretty boy?” Pony smiled. He couldn’t believe he just said that.
“Pony… you don’t have to… it’s okay, I understand. It was wrong. I know you like girls.” He sighed. “Just.. pretend I’m Cherry or somethin.” Johnny said with sad eyes.
“Johnny man… I don’t wanna pretend anymore! I’m sick of this— pretending that I don’t want this. I don’t want Cherry! I don’t ev-“ Ponyboy was interrupted with a kiss from Johnny. His eyes widened. Pony unconsciously ran his fingers through his hair.
Johnny let out a whimper as he felt Pony’s tongue against his. Ponyboy thought that was the hottest thing Johnny has ever done. Pony kept saying “Johnny” over and over between kisses. A string of saliva attached between their lips stretched as they pulled apart for air.
Pony squirmed at the loss of Johnny’s lips. Johnny moved down to peck kisses on his jaw. He smiled to himself, knowing they probably couldn’t stay like this for long, he pulled the other boy by the hand back to the house. Pony felt like a little girl, he kept giggling and smiling when Johnny would kiss him.
“Oh my gosh… Ponyboy… you actually like me.” Johnny said, still not fully believing it. Pony only responded with another kiss. He tried to engrave Johnny’s kiss-drunk face into his mind, savoring the moment. Drool ran down each other's lips, a result of the sloppy kisses.
Johnny collapsed onto Ponyboy, pecking his neck. He sleepily groaned and cuddled up to Pony. “I like this.” Pony whispered. He wasn’t used to Johnny all cuddly and vulnerable. But he liked it. “I wish it could be like this.”
“It can.” Johnny played with his soft ungreased hair.
“What are we gonna do now?” Pony rubbed his back, enjoying his warmth and weight against himself.
“I don’t know.”