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“Stay. I don't mind going alone really, why don't you take a nap?”
Thom spoke, falsely caring about Jonny getting sleep. Truth is, he currently dreaded his presence. He had been hopelessly yearning for this perfect moment of solitude.
“Oh no, I'm fine! I'd like to explore the town and such, whatever you'll be doing”
Earlier in the week their bus broke down beside a shopping district, he longingly stared at it by the side road. A location sitting patiently in his memory, recalled with subtle joy. Exploring nearby shops, the plan exactly. Now that Jonny said it, the memory swiftly rotted and festered with contrary anger.
Why would Thom want to act on something so materialistic and wasteful as shopping? Precious was any lick of free time, no room for iniquity such as that!
“No. Nothing of those sorts, something else… you wouldn't wanna come” He idiotically lied, wanting to appear pretentiously mysterious with his time.
“Again, whatever you'll be doing, I'd like to be there.” Jonny disgustingly replied with love.
Thom sighed, holding the door wider for another. Yes wasn't explicit but Jonny happily skipped to leave like his presence was begged for.
Jonny strolled through the hotels bleak carpeted halls, while the other hopelessly drug each foot along. To see the flame in Thom's demeanor that transformed Jonny into a gentle moth was his only wish. He destined that today he’d drag him out from the burrowing cave, only dubious to how.
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Sunlight beamed, not a cloud to shy a singular ray away. Gently warm before the summer hit and found empty of sloppy humidity. The weather conditions were noted into Thom's memory, maybe to be recalled when brainstorming a new plan.
Jonny couldn't care less of where he was dropped onto, he came prepared to shift whatever opportunity Thom had in mind into something to salvage them.
He followed Thom around like a lost puppy. However, they were both lost. Only Thom disfigured it with confidence in his totally masterfully planned day. He frantically spotted a nearby cab and began his road to nowhere.
“Where to?” The cabbie snappily said.
With the destination a secret, Thom leaned up front to whisper an exchange of mumbles.
“Ah! Alright then, we'll be off!”
He floored it, sending Thom hurling to the backseat as he remembered his long annoyance with motorized transportation.
With bubbling curiosity Jonny choked down the urge to ask for his plans, (Even if it was obvious He didn't have a plan) He knew he had to keep his faith prevalent and show he didn't mind his life being in Thom's hands; he’d be crazy not to follow.
Plus, they lacked a fight to tag along. Prying could easily set that off…
Thom acknowledged this choice of silence and the trust it meant. Slowly softening his heart and reminding him their relationship isn't only as band partners.
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“Right here this is perfect!! this is what I want.” The car freezes up. Breaking his daydream, Jonny confusingly studied the horizon, something about Thom's obviously empty plan sparked differently. Not too much though, because why would Thom drag him to… an empty field?? He knew there couldn't seriously be a plan…
With an urgent flat palm shove, Jonny sprung outside with pep. The exact urgency he hoped for, so he left no comment to the subtle rudeness. Thom fanned for the cabbie to move along.
Free growing, unkempt, and fluffy agrostis grass held their gaze for miles. A vibrant touch of childlike wonder roared with the idea to roll around in the field's glory. Jonny kept composure to waltzing and stood attentively for Thom's explanation. But those desired words were never spoken and instead folded and put aside.
With an underlying manic touch, Thom's new expression didn't hold resemblance to the one in the hotel.
Now, there was definitely a plan.
Deserting the white line of the road with a forward spring, he dipped a foot into the land before him.
“You know… I was pissed when you were being so annoyingly persistent in dragging yourself along with me.”
His words were nasty, but the craved vulnerability felt warm to Jonny, so he brushed them aside.
There lacked a “But-” in the sentence, however Jonny wasn't going to wait for the twist and result in something heart felt because he desperately wanted to squeeze in his complaints. He began forming the needed streak break of dreadful silences, quick phrases and lousy conversations.
“I've been pissed at you too. You're always bickering about random things, over half… well, almost all you have no control over.“
Thom stood guilty but began trudging outward to the field as Jonny followed.
“It's always how you're so anxious but you don't always wanna specify what so I'm left clueless on how to help. Then you're afraid of alienation to seven different degrees. If you're not losing yourself, you're losing your place in existence by dissociating and distancing from your friends, family, or overall passion for anything. You're afraid everything you love will die in obscurity, and it MIGHT!!
“Well… inevitably it all does… AUGH I'm sounding just like you. You're getting to me, but
you metamorphose into the people you spend your time with, so I choose this.
“Then it's whatever stupid car woes and phobia you carry, we get it Thom, you crashed your car like a bajillion times, it's scary, I understand, but have you ever fancied writing anything else??”
He slows his pace, realizing all he's saying is becoming silly.
“I'm just as worried, hell when we got in the stupid cab I thought about Killer Cars for a second… but only a second.
“Maybe it isn't a bad topic after all.”
A part of him wants to distance and step back after lashing out. But avoiding the typical, he steps forward. The message wasn't meant to hurt. The anger was environmental to all they've been through recently, in other circumstances they'd be cooperative. There was an inaudible exchange of understanding that.
“Please share a loving stare with me… Don't take it personally.” Jonny desperately prayed while glancing over.
“Wait… Killer Cars?”
Thom stares back.
He questioned his recalling of that stupid reference out of his whole speech; but its power to cease the possible tension made it the answer to his prayer.
Their words released subtly.
“We should’ve decided on a version, I really thought it belonged on the album. We wrote 3 different variations or so, right? If we spent more time on it and refurbished it we could've snuck it right between..
“Hmm, Well… where could’ve we put it…” Jonny pondered.
Thom picked back up, “OK computer was the right time to go over the transit and motorways stuff… and you're right, people probably don't want to hear me bicker about cars anymore, it sits well as a b-side…
“…didn't know you enjoyed it enough to randomly remember it.”
Lightly, Jonny colored up, embarrassed and slightly provoked to explain himself about the underlying truth to why he really liked the song, despite Thom not even asking.
Thom halts flipping his gaze between either the cloudless sky or a nearby anthill and goes in for his expression with a dedicated study.
Jonny attempts to refocus, “Yea just a uhh, lovely song to pla-”
However, Thom gleefully interrupts, with his easy facial study complete and his conclusion drawn.
“Ehhhh… well, yes, but I bet you like how I exemplify that last bit.”
Jonny pretended to expressively play confused but his mind perfectly replayed Thom’s every moan when singing.
“Were you REALLY thinking about the dangers on motorized transportation or whatever sophisticated answer you'd cover it up with OR were you thinking about the kinky undertones?”
“The what??” Jonny became a little stunned he took it there, his real devotion of thoughts praised the audible part, not much of direct lyricism.
“Not ONLY am I wrapped up, I am also BLINDFOLDED” Thom playfully reminds.
“Er yes....And drunk.”
Jonny nervously added, it's an important detail to not be forgotten. He always wanted to ask about the intention behind the detailing of the scene but afraid of being degraded for such thoughts. Apparently, it was as suspected!
“I'd never care for anything like that… besides, like the song says the driver is in the killer car, so I'd never take you alive.”
“Oh? So that's what's stopping you? What are you alluding your actions to if our hypothetical fate stood differently? The car being, well not so killer.”
“A normal car doesn't make for a good song.” Jonny persists with a bit of humor.
“In our case, it will.”
The nearby ants cease their march and become the peanut gallery to the awakening performance, the conversational soundcheck seemed to be over.
“Thom ugh… enough of this.” He diverts his attention elsewhere and rubs his frontal lobe trying to adverse the thoughts. Thom steps closer with precision, Jonny briefly looks up to see him replace a few steps to avoid crushing a bundle of flowers.
“Okay, okay aside from that, you fancy that more vocal bit, don't you?”
“Eek! Target’s been penetrated. Yes, irrefutably I do.” Jonny only thinks this response, but equally it’s told through a revealing smile. A part of him wanted to remain modest and not indulge any more into the topic, but he couldn't help it.
“You know, I never get the pleasure of hearing you moan, or scream even. How come??”
Jonny noted a bit of contrast between the two sounds, he felt a scream holds a more frightening connotation, what exactly did that convey about Thom’s desires? He brushes it off knowing there was no time to dissect the word choice.
“If you wanna hear it so badly, You'll have to make things happen yourself”
The vocalization of the setting made its reminder through a wind flow, both then appreciated the cloudless day providing full luminance to their expression and the open field providing nowhere to flee.
The answer, along with the flash of Jonny’s typical elongated smile excitingly ruddled Thom.
Although he remained quiet and withheld the emotion to action.
In a contradiction to the rush, he politely plopped in the grass and stared off pretending to be distracted with something in the dirt. Jonny lies criss-cross parallel, his eyes leading with the path Thom's fingers trace with a stick he’s mindlessly digging with.
However, it's not so mindless.
The authentic plan holding the real spark Jonny noticed when they left the cab, is starting to unfold.
Just because they're finally talking with interest doesn't mean the dispute doesn't still exist.
Jonny's mind is dead, It's still on edge anticipating a reply. After a bit he became anxious that there might not be a reply. He spoke with vulnerability and honesty because he's truly asking for Thom to do something to him, it took him a small loss of dignity to admit that. He stays patient, and waits for him to offer an act. But Thom wasn't using this time to think.
The stick he dug with created a decent hole, he stayed persistent with digging until he reached gold; a little earthworm shows itself to the world with its thickened clitellum, showing that it's full grown.
Jonny diverts his attention back to him, realizing what he’s holding.
“Hey where'd he come from?”
“Right from underneath our noses! And he’s just what I'm looking for… very ripe.” he ceases to release the worm, keeping him tightly pinched between the pointer and thumb around a group of rings, the worm frantically spazzes around attempting to return to soil.
“Earthworms don't feel pain like us, Jonny.”
“Hm… interesting! Are you gonna drop him?” slight fear trickles inside while he observes Thom's new fascination.
“No. im about to make things happen myself”
“Huh??” He slightly mutters.
The absurdity of the sudden earthworm sighting almost caused him to not pick up on his cheeky re-quote.
After recalling it, he's even more lost.
“I know you miss me.”
“We spend every waking second together performing, traveling, doing what not, but the spark isn't always there when we're on duty. You seem desperate, you're open to my personal disposure. Don't deny!! it's exemplified in your every action.”
Jonny embarrassingly fiddles with the grass blades in front of him, the other maintains eye contact.
“I know you wanna spend real time with me and revert to true emotional exchange. You are incredibly exhausted and you were alongside the rest of the band when fantasizing about a decent rest, but you relinquished that desire and put your own cares aside for this afternoon with me. A good rest is a tremendous loveable act in this dystopia we've created for ourselves that is touring. I noticed you made a sacrifice Jonny!“
Thom excessively exaggerates his hand gestures between words, all so he could dangle the worm still lodged between his finger tips.
“The question is, how much do you wanna sacrifice?
Do you have dignity?
Oh, and may I take it away?”
Thankfully, he rejected the use of denying. Revoking Jonny’s autopilot response to being called out left him speechless for a minute or two.
“Don't be afraid, there's nobody for miles, be honest with me.”
He finally coughs something up.
“Thank you for acknowledging that, the dispute with you this morning wasn't much… I was honestly fighting with myself, I wanted to stay, although any act I've ever done doesn't convey a certified comparison to what I'd really sacrifice for you” he giggled lightly, then the truth shined through.
“Id remove all my dignity. Not sure what you mean by this but I'm all yours.” he softly spoke with both hands out to the side showing the full exposure of his being.
Thom lit up with his submissive reply, knowing that it’s going to be a glorious day.
He satisfyingly thanks him while crawling over even closer, maybe a foot apart now.
Jonny's eyelids glided low, protruding his elegant lashes while Thom brushed his finger tips to his chin. He willingly opened his mouth with excitement, no need to pry!
However, there lingered a factor on Jonny's mind, wasn't there some sort of…?
-before it could even be thought through, the filthy tan worm warily waved around on his lips. He instantly frowned after realizing they weren't being met with another pair, then jolted back with fear. Before he could screech, Thom smiled even wider. Singling to him this displayed the loss of dignity being asked of.
A perfect revolted expression and denial to the act could be promptly painted.
Only he would do anything for Thom and he did say he’s all his... So he remained ghastly mute.
He doesn't force the worm down quite yet, he leans back and allows the situation to be observed first.
"I've always wanted to know how these tasted, can't really do that with worms being formed of meat and all. I'm asking if you’d help me out. Don't get squeamish, I'm depending on you, Isn't that what you want?”
Dependency.
A correctly identified desire of his. A crave to act as a pair, as partners, to trustingly be there for one another, a million memories are recalled and a million fantasies follow the word.
This situation didn't come to mind, because there was no honest dependency.
With less excitement, he re-opened his mouth.
Not for any reason that he's somehow depending on him to know how this worm tastes.
He knows it's just a game. He doesn't need Thom to try and lighten the act up like he's doing him some favor.
He pinched the brisk worm tightly and led his hand up to his lips for the second time.
To Thom's delight, he audibly winced with fear, but it's not enough. He knows Jonny’s too compliant with the act to scream yet like he deeply wanted to hear.
“Dont be afraid to bite, we don't share the same perception of pain remember? it will only be a second!”
He plopped it right on the tip of his tongue, his fingers jolted back to escape the hasty clamp of Jonny's teeth. Then he waved his hand around a bit as if he made contact and bit him, he didn't, but a close call.
All the muscles of a worm's body work independently to each other, the whole body's a group of sections for the muscles. The first bite missed, leaving a frantic millisecond where he became hyperaware of every grotesque fleshy muscle whipped violently around, then he chewed over 20 times to ensure death.
“Chew. Restlessly so, but don't swallow yet!” He uncomfortably suppressed his spit to Thom's demand, keeping some of the worm remains lingering.
Jonny thought his demands and all that talk of sacrifice meant something sexual but it resulted in a different kind of being dirty he didn't have any zeal to fantasize over.
However, The sacrifice was sexual, Inherently by the roles they took in doing so, he just didn't grasp this relation yet. The other man thoroughly indulged in what he saw as obvious.
Afterwards, seeing Thom’s lopsided smile made it worthwhile.
Frantically, Jonny returned it with teeth.
“You have worm guts in your- …do you want me to get it?”
“Uh- okay sure” his smile dropped, he opened up for an examination of his teeth similar to the dentist. But Thom didn't pay any attention to it. With a shove he sprung forward, now restrainingly on top of him. He squeaked a light yell with the hatefulness of hitting the grass but quickly tightened his mouth to a smile knowing joyfully what lied next.
The noon sun displayed on his face, blinded by the rays, he squinted his eyes and covered them with his hands. Thom quickly pulled them away by his carpals, sinking his chipped and restlessly bitten finger nails into his veins. He placed them above his head to ensure no further intervention, he wanted no obstruction to the view of his face.
To reach his mouth, he scooted closer towards his face by sensually rubbing himself along his body, now sitting neatly on his stomach. With his tongue peaking out, he dove below and began licking his front teeth. Jonny widened his mouth allowing Thom to fully cover every crevasse. Devotingly, he cleaned the insides of his molars removing excess worm guts. Knowing he wasn't getting as close as he wanted, Thom released his wrists and used his fingertips to pry his lip to the side, extending his ability to lick the inside of his cheek.
Mumbling exchange’s of each other’s names was heard between breaths, highlighting their enjoyment.
With Jonny's hands relinquished he applied them to the middle vertebrae’s of Thom's back which sharply poked through his shirt, further eliminating distance between them. After a moment, Thom backed up but kept his index and thumb secured on his lower lip. Driving his thumb inside and forcing Jonny to bite the nail for him.
He pressed with a curve downward and scooped in the small pool of saliva under his tongue. After dipping, he reclaimed normal posture, sitting straight up on top of him. With this, Jonny moved his hands off to the side.
Thom politely opened his own mouth to carefully suck on his own fingers coated in a stringy layer of Jonny's spit. His last finger lingered in his mouth longer, the nail digging into the nooks of his front teeth. Stalling to supply him with excess time to lovingly stare at Jonny. Encapsulated in his demeanor, he fixed his side part for him. Jonny felt their mixed saliva on his fingers brush against his forehead but was indifferent to it. Especially after Thom's tongue grazes his cheek bones for a few strokes, leaving him slightly drenched.
Jonny lifts his arm up, rolling his sleeve above his hand, then dabbing it over himself like a sponge.
“Forgive my persistent tongue work, you deserve a normal kiss” he fused their hands gently within one another on top of Jonny’s chest, fingers bridged over, slowly tightened for loving security. Thom almost leaned forward again but halted himself.
“But first!”
An inaudible twomp was felt in Jonny's heart, he tried to remain positive composure in his face, that is until Thom fully released his hands. He's confused again. He's in the golden opportunity of his partner straddling him in an open unoccupied field and his fate in his hands. Jonny waits awkwardly as his own hands lie isolated on his chest. What is it Thom? What could it possibly be??
“Is… is everything okay, is this too much or something?”
Thom scrambles through his front pocket. “What? No, no, I'm fine… I appreciate the check up but you're stealing my line, I'd probably ask you that, especially after this.”
The sun aggressively beams, Jonny crunches his neck up hovering his head over the grass a few inches and casts a shadow over his eyes by his hand to try and capture Thom's exciting reveal. When his hand relinquishes from the pocket out comes the second worm. Jonny flops his head back to the grass, there's a heavy lack of support within the earth's cushion, but he doesn't care. His facial muscles quiveringly tightened to a wince and fearfully curled his hands to fists.
He leaves the worm on Jonny's chest in preparation for his speech.
“The existential and detrimental pain a tour can provide can help isolate yourself from recognizing the parallel of pain in others. Actions like this help as a direct reminder that I'm not alone!! Everyone suffers sometimes, and that's alright we suffer together, sometimes I need to hear a scream to truly understand that.”
“Thom, just WHAT are you talking about?”
The realization hit.
“Stop bullshitting Thom. The reason for all this isn't as deep as you want me to believe, you just wanna see me devote myself to you a little bit, you wanna see me on my knees desperate to make you happy, does me admitting that do so? I sure hope, I know you know I hope.
“I may be extra willing to make you happy because you've been so down recently but lets be honest, I'd feel like this anyway, and don't act like you wouldn't too, but please consider alternatives to what we're gonna do.”
He reaches for the worm and fiddles with it in his hands for a second.
“I won't make you eat another Jonny, this one gets to live, don't fret!”
The sentence was spoken with reassurance but he knew the worm was kept for a reason, there was no pleasant side to this.
“I fancy the cylindrical shape of a worm, very interesting, its perfect for-”
Jonny emits a weary search for air, grinding his teeth in horror. hands sulking into his chest, trying to propel himself further into the ground.
“...”
“Jeez im not explaining, just take it.”
Thom leans his hand into the nook of Jonny's neck and chin and squeezes the possible head of the worm tight. It bunches around every direction to flee, expanding in and out rapidly to no avail, there's only one destination.
“Nghh! Thommm... ughh just…. Just do it quick fuck!!!”
Jonny's hands seep through his skull clawing at his own scalp taking hold of chunks of hair as he pulls away. The worm meets to the opening of his right nostril and squirms gently in. Simultaneously a staccato scream was channeled driving past every grass blade in the field, embellishing true disorder. Audibly pausing then starting again every millisecond as the worm only wiggled further. Thom gripped the worm's edge, it elastically stretched to go further every second.
“Snort it!!-”
“GAH NO. NO.O NO.!!1!!!!”
“Okay okay!!-”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH” his eyes burned in their sockets.
Even though Jonny's consent was questionable at first, A direct no will stop it. Yanked by a group of fiddling muscles, the worm slithers on his lips for a second again then out and flinged into oblivion.
Closed eyes. Air sealed lips drawing perfectly horizontal.
The worm was long enough to dangle in the back of his throat for a second, any longer it could've hooked into the roof of his mouth and led back out the other end. During the process, his mouth slightly watered, it barley grazed his uvula.
It's like the motions wouldn't stop. He could still feel it... expanding, shrinking, expanding. Crawling further.
He quiveringly whipped a blend of snot and worm mucus off his nose, he hollowed the tip of nostril out with his pinky. It didn't feel gone yet. Thom muted, avoiding any nose picking jokes. He got off of him completely and sat on his knees to the side of him, Jonny continued to sprawl out on the grass.
Then the revenge spike finally dug in.
“AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!”
He launches up and drags Thom to the ground.
Jonny utilizes the environment to his advantage. Rushing the palm of his hand into the dirt, he ruffles the ground up to scoop a handful of it. A fist forms over it, trembling with grip and driven into Thom's skull. Head slammed to the left, his mouth drooling open to the earth ripping the grass from under him.
Clusters of dirt engross his face with some pieces now hiding in his hair.
A meek inchworm made its way up, scurrying along across his nose bridge, its smeared with a thumbprint and drug along his cheek.
He continuously destroyed the landscape carving a hole collecting more dirt to shove. Thom squeaks a gasp after each pile trickles on him.
Jonny’s bony knuckles scrape into his hollow cheeks, he flattens his longer fingers across his entire face applying pressure shoving his head deeper into the ground.
Disoriented, Thom takes it all helplessly with his eyes fixed to his brain. Jonny grabs the temples of his head and lodges in with his thumbs, then framing his following fingers to his skull.
“YOUR SICKLY THOM!1!”
Dirt crumbs fly outward haphazardly, some into Jonny's mouth while screaming
SICK, SICK, SICK!!!!!” each syllable paired with a shake of the skull, ain't nobody home.
Thom fuses his eyelids together and his teeth hook on his dry lips, his whole face freezes up in an attempt to regain stability. His good eye lullingly opens and trudges up to meet Jonnys, the other stays shut. He weakly smiles, still covered in all the frantically thrown dirt.
Jonny stretches his face out growing weary, questioning his ability to smile during this. His point of Thom's sickness is further proven. He wants to laugh but can only scream a little instead.
He releases Thom's head on one side.
The other side doesn't even grip him correctly, only casually held by hair.
The memory of the worm lingers again, showing its presence like a phantom limb. He wipes his nostril a second time, sniffing out a little, ensuring it really is gone.
He peeps painfully “mmhh it burns…”
His fingertips glide past Thom's forehead to the crown of his head, he clamps a piece and provides a rough tug.
Thom flings his forearm up, clearing his face of dirt from forehead to nose.
“Tell me..what burns?”
Jonny grabs his arm, then continues wiping his chin and lips for him, to the best of current abilities, he's clean again. Jonny, grabbing fully on Thom's hand now, puts it to his own mouth.
Thom points up, shushing him, despite Jonny going to say anything at all.
“Noo no.. dont say it.. I bet I can find out.”
Thom breaks his hand free and strolls it down, chin to neck to chest to-
“Wait, what out?” Jonny rhetorically spurts, “I mean my NOSTRIL, the one you shoved the worm up.”
“yes.”
He squeezes his shirt into a ball, and slightly pushes him away.
“I think I've already had my fun for today, maybe not fun… I'm not sure.”
“Thom?”
“Ehuhm.. Yes Jonny??”
“I wanna go home. Well the hotel, I'd love to go to my real home too… we're just submerged in the earth, you especially, ill wash your face for you, but I feel dirty, take me back. Now.”
“Just know you're so loved by me.
well return and wash up, we've both eaten too much dirt. I'm pretty sure worms are mostly dirt, I mean that's all they eat so I only assume.”
“Yea, no idea. I hated this. I think… Ughh… I dont know!!
“it was unexpected and disgusting which kinda gave a whole thrill to it, you'll never cease to surprise me I guess. It was still hella gross. Sorta painful, maybe that was fear talking.
“But obviously to mention, I enjoyed when you cleaned my mouth out afterwards, but feel free to do that any day!! You don't have to force feed me rubbish first to justify it. Okay?
“Having your tongue in my mouth was better than the worm, does that make you feel better?”
Thom giggles a bit at the thought he was at some form of competition, “good to know im more appreciated then the worm.”
“Id appreciate you more if you offered a real kiss.”
Smiling sincerely paired with slow speech. Thom firstly apologized, “I'm sorry for uh… feeding you a worm, and for forcing you to snort one… take my hands again.”
Hands fall into formation gripping the other, Thom releases one to replace it on the side of Jonny's head to remain stable when falling down. Their lips vibrantly meet, with a light opening, teeth jaggedly glide against each other. Jonny finds the unorganized collision slightly amusing and releases a breath of a laugh in his face, still reminiscent of worms. All has been forgiven at this point though. Somehow…. Was it really??
While Jonny may not have enjoyed some factors, being submitted into Thom's unpredictable trust could probably persuade him into doing it all again, he forever adores being in his disposal.
Hopefully, they'll find a better way to execute that.