Chapter Text
ARC 1: The Hell of Bearing the Name of Oneself
Prologue: Ending and Beginning
Now returning to the room he had been assigned to at the inn, Subaru bobbed his head as he undressed. Shifting from the cross-dressed attire of Natsumi Schwartz back to his spare attire. Now that he had left the Shudraqian village, however, it was no longer possible to repair his counterpart's wig that easily. It needed to be treated with great care and attention, so the process was very delicate. He washed the wig by pressing it into a fine mesh net, and then he carefully washed his used clothes and shoes.
After the minimal treatment, Subaru sank into his bed. The solitude of the room allowed Subaru’s mind to recall the events that had transpired in peace. Closing his eyes, he slowly drifted away from consciousness.
Subaru: [Rem, Beako… Emilia-tan…]
With an ache in his heart, Subaru called out to the names of his loved ones in a distant country. Stung by the deep longing of his soul, he grasped onto his shirt. He dreamt of his reunion with his loved ones; he wished for this seemingly never-ending turmoil to end.
With this idea in mind, his consciousness faded—
As if the room around him had been swallowed into a pit of nothingness, its remnants took shape in the form of a humanoid shadow. A sense of familiarity rose from within Subaru’s consciousness. And although his physical body did not exist in this realm, he felt the urge to reach out to it.
???: [I love you, and I’m sorry…]
The voice was tainted with disdain. Its tone—no, her tone, rather—was as sorrowful as it was soft and delicate. It was almost melodic in how the words naturally left her mouth. And deep in his heart Subaru knew that this short moment of comfort and familiarity would be one of the last he’d experience in a long while.
Subaru’s soul pleaded for a body. For he had no arms to reach out to her, no legs to bring him close, and no shoulder upon which she could rest her grief. The figure repeated herself then, in a voice clearer than before.
???: [I love you, I’m sorry…]
A sense of urgency welled up from within Subaru. If this were her attempt at laying bare her emotions, then he had to respond. He had no mouth, and yet he must speak. For if he were to keep silent, then he knew this moment would come and go in the blink of an eye.
He struggled. Desperately. As though clawing from the depths of dark water, Subaru had forced his consciousness towards her fading silhouette.
Don’t go.
His words would not form, as no voice would emerge. The feeling alone threatened to tear apart at his very being.
Stay. Please.
Although he could not see her face, he felt it—hesitation, sorrow, longing—emotions so intense that they seeped into the empty space around him. As if it were warmth that bled into cold air, as if it were life that returned to a body gone cold.
The figure took a clearer shape before his very eyes. And for a fleeting moment, the two of them shared that fragile instant of intimacy. His attempts to reach out had not been futile. For now, he had a body; he had the arms to hold her and the shoulder upon which she could lean.
And so, Subaru reached out, as though afraid she would disappear the moment he hesitated.
Subaru: [I don’t want you to go.]
The words escaped him almost desperately, trembling with an emotion he himself could not fully grasp.
Subaru: [What am I to do without this… without you…?]
Subaru sensed the weakness and fragility of her body beneath his touch, as though she would crumble apart if he held her too tightly. Yet despite her frailty, her warmth remained gentle.
???: [I love you.. Please forgive me. There was no other way]
At a loss, Subaru brought the figure closer against his chest. His hold became increasingly tighter as panic seeped into his voice.
Subaru: [What do you mean? You say that as if… this is goodbye.]
The final word caught in his throat. And somehow he already understood, an awareness that settled in far too quietly, far too cruelly. That was what terrified him most.
Without thinking, he wrapped his arms around her. In hopes that his hold could anchor her to this moment. He buried his face into the hollow at her neck, clinging to what warmth had remained, as if refusing to let the abyss take it away.
???: [In time… you’ll understand…]
Subaru: [No…]
With a shaking voice, he continued.
Subaru: [Don’t say things like that! Don’t leave me behind without explaining anything… If there’s another way, then we’ll find it! So don’t—]
???: [Even when you are unaware of it, I will always be by your side. I will always love you.]
The realm was reduced to nothingness once more. The warmth had dissipated into a freezing emptiness, leaving Subaru alone with the silent abyss. The lingering sensation of her embrace clung faintly. He refused to let go of what his heart already knew had vanished.
As long as he remembered her, he would be able to endure. Even if the world around him collapsed into silence, and even if the path ahead became nothing but uncertainty and pain. That single promised certainty would remain within him. Fragile, yet unbreakable in its own way.
Her warmth, her voice, and her sweet embrace.
If those could be kept alive within his memory, then he could continue forward. For as long as she remained within him, he could persevere. Natsuki Subaru will persevere.