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It started with a high. One that Cas didn’t catch at first. It wasn’t until Dean did something so impulsive that Cas would classify it as "stupid". Something that put the previous couple of days into perspective, and Cas realized that it had been a gradual thing, and yet, had quickly spun out of control.
Dean had left one afternoon to get the cracked screen of his phone fixed. He didn’t return home for five hours, which had Cas suspicious.
When he did return home, he presented Cas with the new phone he’d bought.
A pair of state-of-the-art headphones, too. Incompatible with every charger they had in the house, by the way.
Cas had blinked, not sure how to reply when Dean excitedly told him about all their fancy, and yet, entirely useless, features. Like five different light patterns, and speaker mode.
“Well, I signed up for their members’ club,” Dean explained. “The more I spend, the more I save. That’s just smart.”
Cas frowned at him.
“I bought you a laptop,” Dean said, smiling proudly.
Cas blinked. “I have a laptop.”
“Yeah, but this is brand new! And I got points, you know. So next time we buy something there, we get a coupon.”
“Right,” Cas mumbled.
“I bought a laptop for me, too.”
Cas looked at the stack of boxes that Dean had piled on to the table.
“You bought two laptops?” Cas asked.
Dean rolled his eyes, getting impatient. “The points, Cas! The more I spend now, the more we save later.”
Cas wasn’t even sure where to begin. Dean worked construction. He didn’t need a laptop. On the rare occasions he did, he used Cas’. Cas’, which was funded by the university.
That’s when it dawned on him. The past few days made more sense in this perspective, too.
Dean had joined Cas’ on his runs. He hated running. But he’d been excited, and full of energy for that early-morning cardio. He’d pushed himself too hard, too, rolling his eyes when Cas had pointed it out.
He had been more interested in sex, too. They had a healthy sex life, but Dean had been insatiable lately. He'd been all over Cas for days.
Cas had barely closed the door behind him after getting home from work yesterday before Dean had gotten down on his knees right there in the front hall. They’d had sex twice last night, Dean almost enthusiastically horny. He’d jerked off in the shower this morning, too.
Dean had gone to bed at a reasonable hour, maybe a little later than usual, but nothing that had made Cas worried. But, he realized, he’d fallen asleep before Dean. And Dean had been awake before their alarm, up and ready to take the day before the day was.
Cas watched Dean while he kept talking excitedly about the electronics store’s members’ club and all the futuristic features of his purchases. His speech came rapidly, one sentence barely finished before the next started. He spoke loudly, too, like Cas was across the house, and not just across from him.
"And, you know, I was thinking we should remodel the kitchen," Dean said then. "I could probably do it myself. Whaddaya think?"
His eyes were bright, pupils blown when he smiled expectantly at Cas.
Cas offered him a soft smile and gently grabbed the plastic-wrapped box with a new phone from him.
“Did you get a receipt?” he asked calmly.
“Uh,” Dean searched his pocket and procured a wrinkled piece of paper. “Yup.”
Cas accepted it and straightened it out. He tried not to wince at the total printed at the bottom. He folded it and tucked it into his pocket.
“Dean, honey,” he said, grabbing his arm gently and leading him to sit. “I think you’re manic.”
Dean opened his mouth to argue, then stalled.
“Yeah,” he agreed. “Yeah, I totally am.” His shoulders sank. “Fuck. I spent over $2,000.”
“Don’t worry about that. We’ll get that sorted out,” Cas reassured. Everything was unopened, still sealed in plastic, which meant the damage was reversible.
But right now, they needed to pull the plug.
“Can you give me your wallet and keys?” he asked Dean.
Dean nodded. He handed them over along with his cracked phone.
“What do you need?” Cas asked. “Should I call Sam?”
Dean nodded again. “Yeah, I think so.”
On the phone, Cas and Sam agreed that Sam could finish his workday before coming over.
Things didn’t spiral further. They made sure Dean wasn’t alone, and they stuck to the routines. With Benny, Charlie, and Bobby’s informed help, Dean was able to stay at work. Cas was able to get a full refund on Dean’s spontaneous tech haul. A heavy sleep aid got Dean the rest he needed, and soon enough, the episode was de-escalated.
Dean came down. Then started to creep lower.
That came gradually, too. It was sneakier than the mania, and Cas didn’t recognize the severity for much longer.
At first, it seemed like self-care. By-products of the intervention to prevent escalation. The sleeping meds were serious, and Cas didn’t think anything of Dean being more tired than usual.
He knew mania was triggering for Dean, as well, and he figured the introversion was Dean calming down after trauma responses.
He didn’t recognize the withdrawal as a symptom. He snapped at Dean for being lazy and sulky, and he’d been entirely unsympathetic when Dean then claimed he was sick and called out of work.
But a few weeks into it, Cas returned from the university for the third day in a row to no evidence that Dean had left the bed at all. That's when he started to worry.
Dean admitted it readily. Eyes rimmed with red and lips chapped from dehydration, he told Cas: “Depression.”
Cas felt bad, but overall, he’d figured it was easier to handle than mania. Somehow less risky. And less of an unknown beast.
But it hadn’t been easy at all.
Dean didn’t get out of bed. He didn’t shower. He didn’t eat.
Stepping away from him got harder every day. Cas would head to work with his stomach tied in knots.
Cas usually kept his phone off during his classes, but he’d allowed himself to “forget” lately.
When it buzzed with an incoming call in the middle of a class he was teaching, he swore his heart stopped for a moment. His hands shook so bad he almost dropped the phone when he went to check the caller.
“I apologize, just a sec,” he’d mumbled, barely aware of the students watching him as he checked the screen.
It was just Gabriel. Cas declined the call but scrolled through the few notifications on his lock screen with sweaty fingers.
One message made him freeze up.
3.11PM From Dean 💪❤️️: love you
Heart stuck in his throat, he unlocked his phone and called the sender.
His vision tunneled as he heard the dial tone, waiting for the call to go through.
With every second that ticked by with no reply, Cas felt more and more disconnected from his body.
Then he picked up.
“Hey,” Dean said, voice gruff with disuse.
Cas exhaled in relief. “Dean.”
“What’s up?”
Cas peeked up at the students in front of him. Most were idling, talking among themselves or tapping on their laptops. A few watched him. He turned his back to them.
“How are you doing? Are you okay?”
“Sure,” Dean replied.
Cas swallowed, trying to get his throat to relax. He didn’t know if he was closer to crying or getting sick everywhere.
“Are you at home?”
“Yeah,” Dean said.
“Okay,” Cas said. He tried taking a deep breath but it didn’t abate the sick feeling inside him. “Okay, uh. I’ll be home soon.”
“Right,” Dean agreed. “Wait, aren’t you supposed to be teaching right now?”
“Yeah, yes. I am. I am teaching,” Cas said.
Dean was quiet for a beat, probably wondering why the hell Cas had called him. “Right, well… I’ll let you get back to that, then.”
Cas bit his bottom lip, trying to get words out.
“I love you,” Dean said. Then he hung up.
Cas stared at his phone for a moment. He turned back around. The students were watching him, waiting for him to continue the lesson.
When he finally spurred into movement, he snapped his laptop shut.
“I’m terribly sorry, but I have to cancel the lesson,” he said while compiling his things and throwing them into his bag. “It’s a personal emergency. I’ll reschedule.”
And with that he rushed out of the room, ignoring the confused students he left behind.
I love you. That wasn’t what Cas had needed to hear.
He’d needed a see you later.
He rushed home, hit the curb while trying to park, and ran up to the front door of their house.
Shoes and coat still on, he ran through the house, calling out for Dean.
He found him in the bedroom, sitting in a nest of blankets, and eating cereal.
“Dude,” Dean said, surprised.
Cas breathed out in relief and came to sit on the edge of the bed. “You’re okay.”
Dean gave him a weird look. “Yeah?”
While Cas caught his breath, Dean pointed out the obvious. “Aren’t you supposed to be teaching?”
“Yeah… I just…” Cas sighed. “How are you feeling?”
“I mean, bad,” Dean said honestly, shrugging.
Cas studied him. His skin was paler than usual. His hair was greasy from missed showers. He’d lost weight.
“Do you- Are you thinking about hurting yourself?” he asked.
Dean looked down. He fiddled with his spoon, but didn’t eat anything.
“I’m not gonna,” he mumbled, not meeting Cas’ eyes.
Cas closed his eyes. Tears stung behind his lids. He swallowed them down.
“Do you think it’s time we get you some real help?” Cas asked.
Dean met his eyes. He nodded.
Cas didn’t cry. Not as he packed a bag of Dean’s necessities, and not as he drove him to the psych ward. He didn’t cry as they waited to check in, or while Dean filled out the form from the receptionist.
He didn’t cry until a kind, but curt nurse held up a hand when he tried to follow Dean, and told him “Sorry, sweetie. Family only at check-in.”
Cas’ argument that they were partners, that they were family, fell on deaf ears.
Dean stayed back to hug him while he cried for a while.
“Keep it up and maybe they’ll let you check in with me,” Dean joked, wiping tears off Cas’ cheek.
“Not funny,” Cas said, though he chuckled through the tears.
Dean grinned at him and kissed him gently.
“I’ll be okay, you know,” he offered.
Cas sniffled. He wiped his eyes. “Will you marry me?”
Dean huffed. His smile was genuine. “Get me a ring and don’t ask in a psych ward, then yeah, in a heartbeat, baby.”
So Cas did.
Once Dean was out of the hospital and stable, Cas took him into their garden on a warm summer evening. Floral and herby scents filled the air. The lilac that had survived their move swayed gently in the breeze, and the grass was damp with dew beneath their Crocs.
That was when Cas got down on one knee, presented Dean with a simple metal band, and asked him again.
And Dean said, in a heartbeat, “Yes.”