Work Text:
To: Lord Tywin Lannister ([email protected])
From: Queen Regent Cersei Lannister Baratheon ([email protected])
Subject: Why you should pay attention to me
Dear Father,
Per our recent conversation about the Tyrells, here is a URL of a video clip that you will find illuminating. Perhaps now you will understand that I am the child you should care most for.
http://littlefingerzhighclassgirlsgirlsnboyz.com/knightofflowerstellsall
Oh, btw: NSFW
Love, Cersei
* * *
To: Queen Regent Cersei Lannister Baratheon ([email protected])
From: Lord Tywin Lannister ([email protected])
Subject: Fwd: Re: Why you should pay attention to me
Daughter,
I would have appreciated a warning about the content of that disgusting video. However, I grudgingly admit you may have a point about the Tyrells. We’ll have to marry the Stark girl off sooner than we planned. Since you have finally made a useful contribution, you may be present when I tell Tyrion about the upcoming nuptials.
Please refrain from using your official Westerosi email account. That should only be used for your official duties, such as ordering crowns for the High Septon or planning the royal wedding. It’s not as if you have actual power.
Incidentally, I trust I will never find anything like that filth with you and any family member on the Internet.
Father
Lord Tywin Lannister
Hand of the King
Lord Paramount of the West
Warden of the West
Lord of Casterly Rock
* * *
DaddyzGurl: Tyrion?
DeadPanSnarker: So now you’re actually talking to me?
DaddyzGurl: Um, do u know how to delete videos off the net?
DeadPanSnarker: just a sec
DaddyzGurl: k
DeadPanSnarker: Seven Hells! RU Nuts? Why would u post these?
DaddyzGurl: Jaime thought it was funny
DeadPanSnarker: Oh it’s funny alright. U better hope Dad doesn’t see this. Or Stannis. If he spams everyone again & includes these video URLs…oh man
DaddyzGurl: so how would I get these off the web?
DeadPanSnarker: LMAO, too late. Looks like the one has gone viral.
DaddyzGurl: u r no help
DeadPanSnarker: wow, u r pretty limber
DaddyzGurl: FU. I’ll ask Grand Maester Pycelle
DeadPanSnarker: yh good luck w/that
DaddyzGurl: Oh, btw, Dad wants 2 meet w/u tomorrow
DeadPanSnarker: about?
DaddyzGurl: wedding stuff
DeadPanSnarker: kk, I’ll be there
* * *
To: Lord Tywin Lannister ([email protected])
From: Lady Olenna Tyrell ([email protected])
Subject: Our recent conversation
Dear Lord Tywin,
I thought these links might be of interest to you:
http://www.webmd.com/menopause/guide/understanding-menopause-symptoms
http://electricpulp.com/guykawasaki/arse/
The latter seems particularly appropriate to you.
Sincerely,
Lady Olenna Tyrell
* * *
IWant2BeTHEQueen: I am so bummed. We’re still BFFs 4EVR tho
Florian&Jonquil4EVR: How is Loras?
IWant2BeTHEQueen: OMG
Florian&Jonquil4EVR: is he upset?
IWant2BeTHEQueen: um u could say that
Florian&Jonquil4EVR: omg. I didn’t think he was that into me
IWant2BeTHEQueen: He has to marry Cersei
Florian&Jonquil4EVR: 8-o
IWant2BeTHEQueen: Yh, IKR?! Hey, Grandma wants 2 know if u said anything 2 anyone about this?
Florian&Jonquil4EVR: NO! I totally did not. Not even to Lord Baelish. He likes ur hair btw
IWant2BeTHEQueen: um… ok?
Florian&Jonquil4EVR: he is so nice. I think it’s cuz of my mom
IWant2BeTHEQueen: gurl. http://howtospotaperv.com
Florian&Jonquil4EVR: Why r u sending this 2 me?
IWant2BeTHEQueen: …. g2g. Grandma needs me
(IWant2BeTHEQueen has signed off)
* * *
To: Lady Olenna Tyrell ([email protected])
From: Lord Tywin Lannister ([email protected])
Subject: Re: Our recent conversation
Dear Lady Olenna:
Your sense of humor is not appreciated.
T.L.
* * *
QueenOfThorns33: Scored 24 out of 24?
MemeticBadass:19 out of 24, if you must know
QueenOfThorns33: ;-D
MemeticBadass: Don’t tell me you use this idiotic shorthand too?
QueenOfThorns33: Some of it. My grandchildren keep me up-to-date with the latest lingo. I must admit, I find it difficult to abandon punctuation and grammar.
MemeticBadass: I would appreciate it if you did not use this “lingo” with me. There is much too much informality in communication.
QueenOfThorns33: This comes from a man calling himself “MemeticBadass?”
MemeticBadass: My last cupbearer set up the account for me.
QueenOfThorns33: You don’t know what it means?
MemeticBadass: No. I was told it was appropriate. Why?
QueenOfThorns33: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MemeticBadass
MemeticBadass…
QueenOfThorns33: Your cupbearer knew what he was doing
MemeticBadass: She. I should have taken her back to King’s Landing. All the rest have been utter idiots.
QueenOfThorns33: Can we possibly revisit the issue of Cersei marrying Loras? Did you even read the article I sent you? The first one?
MemeticBadass: I find it supremely ironic that you are calling yourself 33 and telling me that my daughter is too old.
QueenOfThorns33: That just means there are 32 other people using the screen name “Queen of Thorns.”
MemeticBadass: Oh.
QueenOfThorns33: About Loras, surely we can come to another arrangement?
MemeticBadass: No.
(QueenOfThorns33 has left the conversation)
* * *
MemeticBadass: Kevan, how would I find the correct email address for someone?
StalwartYoungerBro: Tyrion is very good at that sort of thing.
MemeticBadass: Tyrion?
StalwartYoungerBro: Yes, Tyrion.
MemeticBadass: My son? Tyrion? The short one?
StalwartYoungerBro: Sigh. Yes, Tyrion.
(MemeticBadAss has signed off)
StalwartYoungerBro: Nice to chat with you too, Tywin.
* * *
To: Tyrion Lannister ([email protected])
From: Lord Tywin Lannister ([email protected])
Subject: Fwd: See attached (Was: Delivery Status Notification)
Tyrion,
I am told by your uncle that you will be able to assist me in locating the correct address. I am highly doubtful, but see below and advise.
Lord Tywin Lannister
Hand of the King
Lord Paramount of the West
Warden of the West
Lord of Casterly Rock
_____________________________________________________________________
Delivery Status Notification (Failure)
Mail Delivery System
The following addresses had permanent fatal errors
([email protected])
Mailbox unavailable
To: “Girl” ([email protected])
From: Lord Tywin Lannister ([email protected])
Subject: Offer of Employment
Girl,
You will forgive the informality of the salutation. I don’t believe I ever bothered to inquire what your given name was.
I trust you managed to maintain control of Ser Gregor Clegane until Harrenhal fell and were unharmed in the subsequent slaughter.
I am extending to you an offer of employment as my cup bearer here at King’s Landing. This will include your previous duties as well as occasionally assisting me with translating informal communications. I believe you will find the proposed remuneration satisfactory. Fringe benefits include not being in the middle of a war zone; working and sleeping in a building with complete walls and a functioning roof; and not having to witness daily torture and executions.
Please let me know of your decision at your earliest convenience.
Regards,
Lord Tywin Lannister
Hand of the King
Lord Paramount of the West
Warden of the West
Lord of Casterly Rock
* * *
DeadPanSnarker: All u have to go on is “Girl?” Seriously?
MemeticBadass: She responded to it.
DeadPanSnarker: Well, that’s gr8t, but not very helpful. She never gave u a name? U never asked 4 1?
MemeticBadass: Lannisters don’t worry themselves with petty details.
DeadPanSnarker: Do u know anything else about her?
MemeticBadass: She was approximately 12, dark brown hair, grey eyes, small for her age.
DeadPanSnarker: um that’s not what I
MemeticBadass: most likely well born, literate, interested in sword play and dragons, father was killed for loyalty, a Northerner
DeadPanSnarker: email doesn’t work like that, Father.
MemeticBadass: I should have known you wouldn’t be able to help me. I suppose if I asked you to locate a whore you would have no trouble. You are useless. I gave you real power and authority and you managed to lose the younger Stark girl and
DeadPanSnarker: Whoa, that was Cersei, not me. I came back and she had let her escape. Hey, wait a sec.
MemeticBadass: No, I will not “wait a sec.” The two of you sicken me the way you pass blame back and forth as if you were still children.
DeadPanSnarker OMFG. LOL. OMG I’m dying. OMG. LMAO!
MemeticBadass: EXPLAIN YOURSELF
DeadPanSnarker: ROFL LOL k, hang on.
(Florian&Jonquil4EVR has entered the conversation)
Florian&Jonquil4EVR: hi my lord. TY for the invite.
DeadPanSnarker: Hey Sansa! Can u send me a photo of ur sis?
Florian&Jonquil4EVR: um sure. Sec. I don’t have a lot w/her. Oooh wait. Here u go: http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/24500000/Stark-family-house-stark-24508418-1280-720.jpg I totally hate my hair in this but I could find another. Oh, hi MemeticBadass, I don’t think I know u. NTMU!
(MemeticBadass has kicked Florian&Jonquil4EVR from the room)
DeadPanSnarker: oh that’s just gr8t. She already hates my guts. Like this will help.
MemeticBadass: Do you mean to say that the entire time I was at Harrenhal I was being served by Arya Stark?
DeadPanSnarker: Looks like.
MemeticBadass: Seven hells.
* * *
To: Lord Tywin Lannister ([email protected])
From: Lady Olenna Tyrell ([email protected])
Subject: Our impending family connection
Dear Lord Tywin,
I came across this video and thought you might find it of interest.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0s5Kn9QXtU
This may be useful for you in learning to appreciate the former:
http://www.wikihow.com/Have-a-Sense-of-Humor
Regards,
Olenna
* * *
To: Lady Olenna Tyrell ([email protected])
From: Lord Tywin Lannister ([email protected])
Subject: Re: Subject: Our impending family connection
Dear Olenna,
You never give up, do you?
Regards,
Tywin
* * *
QueenOfThorns33: No, I don’t, and you like that about me
MemeticBadass: I will confess I find your persistence…admirable.
QueenOfThorns33: Admirable enough to change your mind?
MemeticBadass: I wonder if you’ve told your grandson of his other option. Perhaps he’d prefer that.
QueenOfThorns33: I’ve been too busy following your hashtag on Twitter
MemeticBadass: My what?
QueenOfThrons33: #tywinlannisterisnotinfallible Right under your nose, all that time
(MemeticBadass has signed off)
* * *
To: Tyrion Lannister ([email protected])
From: Lord Tywin Lannister ([email protected])
Subject: Your juvenile sense of humour
Tyrion,
If you do not cease and desist with this Twitter business and any all attempts to ridicule me, I will be forced to teach you a sharp lesson.
Lord Tywin Lannister
Hand of the King
Lord Paramount of the West
Warden of the West
Lord of Casterly Rock
* * *
To: Lord Tywin Lannister ([email protected])
From: Tyrion Lannister ([email protected])
Subject: Lighten up already (was: Your juvenile sense of humour)
Father,
I have deleted the posts. I don’t know why you’re worried about a couple of Tweets; I’ve only got 25 followers and they already all hate you anyhow.
Since you’re so concerned with the family honor, you might want to check your Casterly Rock account. Stannis has been busy.
Tyrion
* * *
To: Lords of Westeros ([email protected])
From: King Stannis Baratheon ([email protected])
Subject: Fwd: Foul incest
Loyal Lords. Traitors, and Usurpers,
Below please find proof of my allegations against the adulterous Cersei Lannister and her brother Ser Jaime Lannister, Kingslayer.
http://lannisterskeepitinthefamily.com/jaimencersei69
http://lannisterskeepitinthefamily.com/inrobertsbed2
http://lannisterskeepitinthefamily.com/incestisbestputyoursister2thetest
NSFW
King Stannis Baratheon
One True King of Westeros
_______________________________________________________________
I declare upon the honour of my House that my brother Robert left no true-born heirs, the boy Joffrey, the boy Tommen, and the girl Myrcella being born of incest between Cersei Lannister and her brother Ser Jaime Lannister, Kingslayer. By right of birth and blood I do this day lay claim to the Iron Throne of Westeros. Let all true men declare their loyalty.
* * *
To: ([email protected])
From: ([email protected])
Subject:
SUBSCRIBE WesterosLords-L
* * *
MemeticBadass: What does “NSFW” mean?
QueenOfThorns33: Not Safe for Work http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=nsfw
MemeticBadass: Oh.
QueenOfThorns33: This begs the question
MemeticBadass: What?
QueenOfThorns33: Who in all of Westeros would dare send the mighty Tywin Lannister THAT kind of material?
MemeticBadass: Idiots and fools would. We should have never abandoned ravens as a means of communication.
QueenOfThorns33: Don’t look at me. I’ve been saying for years that women ought to be in charge. Such stupidity would never happen on my watch.
MemeticBadass: Do you “follow” my son on Twitter?
QueenOfThorns33: No, I refuse to have anything to do with a service that requires me to “tweet.”
MemeticBadass: Then how did you come across that, what did you call it? A hashtag?
QueenOfThorns33: Someone sent it to me.
MemeticBadass: Good.
QueenOfThorns33: Good? I would have thought you’d be furious.
MemeticBadass: I mean, I am pleased that you are not encouraging my foolish son by “following” him.
QueenOfThorns33: NP. Since we’re communicating so well, I don’t suppose we could reopen the discussion about Loras and Cersei.
(MemeticBadass has signed off)
* * *
To: All of Westeros ([email protected])
CC: Lady Olenna Tyrell ([email protected])
From: Lord Tywin Lannister ([email protected])
Subject: Royal Decree
On behalf of King Joffrey of the Houses Baratheon and Lannister, the First of His Name, King of the Iron Throne, King of the Andals and the First Men, Protector of the Realm,
Be it known that any person using the “screen name”* “Queen of Thorns,” other than the Lady Olenna Tyrell shall be subject to death. Any person currently using this appellation with or without symbols and/or numbers following, preceding, or interspersed in any part of it, is hereby ordered to cease and desist or be subject to the same punishment.
*Definition http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=screen%20name
Lord Tywin Lannister
Hand of the King
Lord Paramount of the West
Warden of the West
Lord of Casterly Rock
* * *
QueenOfThorns: Thank you
MemeticBadass: NP
QueenOfThorns: QueenOfThorns falls over in shock
QueenOfThorns: Did you just use chatspeak? What can be next? Emoticons? Will you be LOLing at my quips?
MemeticBadass: No.
QueenOfThorns: Still, I do believe that you just displayed some wit. I wonder if an actual jape will be next.
MemeticBadass: No.
QueenOfThorns: You’re not going to give in on Loras, are you?
MemeticBadass: No. But you knew that at the end of our first interview, didn’t you?
QueenOfThorns: Yes, I did.
MemeticBadass: To paraphrase a worthy opponent, “It’s a rare enough thing a woman who lives up to her reputation.”
QueenOfThorns: I don’t suppose you’re on Skype.
MemeticBadass: No, why?
QueenOfThorns: Because I would dearly love to know if you were smiling right now.
MemeticBadass: You could come over here and find out for yourself.
QueenOfThorns: OMW
(QueenOfThorns has signed off)
MemeticBadass: what does “OMW” mean? … oh
(MemeticBadass has signed off)