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Ivan never knew love.
He had always felt different. Not quite like the other kids. Other kids would whisper how he was a little strange, too quiet.
Whenever he had entered Anakt Garden, he was just a shell of a person. With everything he had seen at such a young age, how could he not be? His mind had shut down in order to protect himself. He wasn’t like other kids. Other kids didn’t grow up in the slums.
He stuck to himself for a while. Everyone was too much, and they all thought he was too little. He would sit alone at lunch, play alone outside, and quietly do his work while the other kids giggled and whispered in class. It was like he had already died, and this was his personal hell. With every piece of food he ate. Every note he sang. Every day that passed, he felt himself rot inside a little more.
That was until he came into his life. His own personal ray of sunshine that he could worship silently.
He’d follow after Till while he went through his day to day life. Close enough to watch, but not enough to be noticed. Acting like a shadow almost. Sometimes it felt like he had a friend, even if it was one-sided.
He sat just a table away from the other boy during lunch, and watched him play with the other kids from behind a tree. Occasionally he was even brave enough to choose a spot next to Till when singing.
He was comfortable being in Till’s shadow for a while. After all, to make a shadow you have to have light, right? So Till would be his light, and he would be Till’s darkness. The perfect match. Not that Till thought so, but Ivan let himself indulge in these thoughts late into the night. Times when he would stare up at the ceiling and count the amount of cracks till he bore himself to sleep.
That was until one day. The day that their eyes finally met. The day that anger and the rawest emotion stared back at him as they swung at each other. Ivan felt like he was burning alive the longer he was under Till’s glare, but it was intoxicating. Ivan had only once felt this alive before, and that was the night he had looked at death head on for the first time. He still remembered the surreal feeling of dangling off the roof top, with the freezing wind making his whole body shiver.
Ivan was ecstatic. With every blow traded he felt the darkness in him lighten a bit. He’s sure he looked absolutely insane to the other kids, but that would be an issue for another time. Right now he was relishing in Till’s gaze, already thinking about all the ways he could get Till’s attention back on him.
Eventually they were pulled off of each other, and Ivan had stuck to Till’s side ever since. No matter how much Till hated it. He would do anything to get the other boy to just look at him. It didn’t matter how he accomplished his goal, as long as he succeeded. And most of the time that was through riling him up, until a teacher had to get involved.
Every now and then they would have a calmer moment. Most of the time being when they’re sitting together under a tree. The sun is setting and Till is drawing while Ivan goes back and forth between admiring how the other looks when focusing, and the streaks of graphite on the page. Till made the dullest things seem so alive. It didn’t even matter to him that Till would always draw the girl with the pink hair. He could watch him draw forever.
The drawings grew more detailed with every sketch. The sweet pink haired girl with glasses covering almost every single page in Till’s sketchbook. It was admirable how absorbed Till would become when drawing. His brows furrowed, and his face was tense. You could even see a bead of sweat forming right above his eyebrow.
Ivan had a silly dream. A dream to one day be the one that Till is drawing. That he’ll be just as concentrated on making sure to get Ivan’s smile correct as he is Mizi’s eyes.
He knows that dream will never come true.
Till is already obsessed with someone, and that person will never be him.
To Till, Ivan was nothing, and Mizi was everything. This wasn’t a feeling Ivan particularly liked. But he knew he couldn’t do anything about it, so he suffered silently.
Mizi was a pretty girl, he could understand Till’s infatuation with her. Not only did she look nice, but she was also kind. So he could never hate Mizi for it. Plus, Till’s feelings wasn’t her fault. She had nothing to do with Ivan’s pain. No matter how much he wanted to blame her, he knew logically that if it wasn’t Mizi, it would be another girl.
And so he was satisfied with what he had. Till would look at him occasionally with unfiltered fervor, and other times Ivan would quietly follow after his every step. Constantly observing the other.
It was only during soft moments he witnessed between Mizi and Sua, where he yearned for something more. Moments where he saw them interlinking arms and whispering into each other’s ears before giggling. Swapping cheek kisses instead of punches. Why couldn’t he have that. Why couldn’t Till want him as much as he wanted Till.
He would watch as they looked at each other like they were the only people in the world. Like nothing else mattered to them. All they needed to get through life was each other.
Ivan knew no one would ever love him like he loved others. He was too intense for that. Too much in that way, compared to the too little he was in everything else. It seemed like he could never be a healthy balance, he could only ever be an extreme. And he’s, for the most part, come to terms with that. He’s made his peace knowing that no one will ever like or love him in the way he wants them too. But in moments like these, where he saw others have exactly what he had wished for, prayed for even. All he could feel was a boiling rage bubbling inside of him. Because why could they have it but he couldn’t. What did he do wrong in his life to not have the one thing that means so much to him. It’s all he’s ever asked for, and in return he gets to witness other people have it instead. He felt like he was being eaten alive.
These thoughts mostly came out while he was lying in bed late into the night. He would think about the way the two girls love each other so completely and freely. The way that he would never have what they have, and how he just has to make his peace with it.
Eventually, Till would fill his thoughts once more, thinking about how bright the other is. How different they are. Till was his opposite in every way possible. If Till was light, he was darkness, and that darkness was gonna swallow him whole.
One way that they were similar though, was the pain in Till’s eyes as he watched the girl he didn’t dare approach. The dejected look he would gain the moment he was reminded that Mizi already had somebody else. It looked nearly identical to how Ivan would look if he didn’t cover it up. It was such a conflicting feeling. For Ivan found a twisted joy in knowing that Till and Mizi would never happen, yet every time that look would appear in Till’s eyes, all he wanted was for Mizi to accept his confession so he would never have to see Till sad again.
Even if the thought of them together made his eyes grow blurry.
It was all so overwhelming. Why did he have to feel things so intensely. He wasn’t even the type of person to cry, but late at night when all he can think about are these things, his face will grow hot and his eyes will sting. He couldn’t deal with this pain much. There was only so much he could tolerate before it just became unbearable. And in times like these, he would always turn to the one and only comfort he had.
On the other side of the room lays a tiny piece of metal that he had gotten out of a broken pencil sharpener.
It wasn’t his idea to start doing this. He was just sharpening his pencil one day, and he simply failed to realize it was broken. He ended up cutting his finger. And to his shock, his mind had quieted down a bit whenever he focused on the way that the cut stung. So, he snuck it back to his room. Saying that he was gonna go throw it away when instead he hid it behind several items in his room, making sure no one would ever find it. It would be his secret. The only way to relieve the pain for a little while.
He softly tip-toed to the other side of the room. He sucked in a breath whenever the floor creaked beneath him, he had to be careful. Even the slightest noise would echo throughout the quiet dorms and run the risk of waking someone up. He took a deep breath as he moved the several books and various objects out of the way to get to the thing he desired most right now.
Ivan blindly felt around for the blade, he sighed in relief as he felt the cold metal in his hand. His heart raced as he looked at it. He slowly raised it above his arm. The blade glimmered under the moonlight peeking out from his little window. Ivan shut his eyes tight, before quickly swiping it across his skin.
It burned. But it made everything in his mind go quiet. A way to relieve this pain and dim the growing darkness inside of him. Ivan slowly opened his eyes, making sure that he wasn’t getting any blood on his clothes. It’s happened before, and it was a pain to get out before morning. Luckily, he wasn’t, and so he continued. This time with his eyes open as he watched the metal glide across his skin. His arm now littered in scratches, little and big. He couldn’t go too deep anymore, the blade was getting dull. He’d either have to get a new one soon, or quit. He was already thinking of ways he could sneak another pencil sharpener in his room tomorrow and break it himself. He wasn’t addicted or anything, but knowing what’s waiting for him in his dark room, deep into the night, is the only reason why he can make it through the day right now.
Ivan gently set the blade down, and just stared at his wounds. Admiring them. The blood dripping down his arms made for a pretty sight. It was his favorite shade of red.
He suddenly shivered, the warm blood compared to the freezing floor of his bedroom was a strange feeling. He watched as it dripped onto the cold floor, Ivan pitied it. It now had been infected with his disgusting blood. The floor didn’t deserve that. No one deserved to be contaminated by him. Whether it was his love or blood.
His eyes welled up with tears. He pushed his palms harshly into them, trying to stop himself before he started hyperventilating. He breathed in shaky breaths, as his hands eventually made their way into his hair. Knots getting caught as he tugged roughly. He slowly rocked back and forth, attempting to soothe himself.
His breathing eventually evened out, and he sluggishly pulled his hands out of his hair. He looked a complete mess. His eyes were bright red, and snot was dripping down his nose. Ivan wiped it with his arm and immediately regretted it as he used the wrist that was still bleeding. He felt filthy. Tears threatening to fall down his cheeks again.
He shakily picked up the blade once again, it now felt heavy in his hands. He put it back in its spot, never meant to be seen by anyone except for Ivan when he was at his lowest. He was exhausted, yawning as he slowly made his way back to his bed. He collapsed onto it and was already half asleep. The last thing he thought about being to remember to clean his arm once he woke up.