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“Grace have mate, question?” Rocky asked, the translator warbling over his melodic hums. Rocky stamped one foot twice when saying ‘question’, it was something he did a lot, Grace made a mental note to ask him about that later.
The question however made his stomach churn, a dreaded question that had haunted him in one way or another since he was old enough to understand what the word ‘mate’ meant. The urge to lie bubbled to the surface, he wanted to resort to his usual deflective techniques, spurting pathetic half truths in an attempt to push the focus off of him and make the question go away. He stared at the blank face of Rocky’s carapace, somehow the faceless creature was able to stare into his soul without any eyes, Grace drew in a heavy breath,
“Grace heart rate change.” Rocky commented before Grace could even open his mouth, “only does that when Grace lie, statement.” He continued, tilting his carapace slightly and sending a panicked shiver through Grace,
“It does not.” He retorted quickly, tone way too high pitched to be even remotely convincing,
“Does.” Rocky said simply, “is doing it now.” He lifted an accusatory arm to point vaguely at Grace’s chest, Grace withered under the scrutiny, cursing his weak human heart for giving him away. Grace averted his gaze to the screens covering the walls of the room, an artificial beach still filling the space, he watched the waves roll back and forth, finding comfort in the repetitive movement.
Rocky trilled beside him, the sound wasn’t translatable and Grace had come to associate it with a sound of frustration. Suddenly Rocky’s xenonite ball smacked into his side, not hard enough to bruise, but still with enough force that Grace let out an offended cry,
“Hey! That hurt.” He whined, turning to face Rocky who was rearing back in his ball prepared to roll again,
“Grace avoiding question.” Rocky grumbled, the translator somehow changing its tone to perfectly match the frustrated notes,
“I am not.” Grace replied, unconvincing even to his own ears, he looked down with cheeks slightly flushed and sighed heavily, “its just not my favourite topic, okay? Can we just drop it.” He muttered, pointedly avoiding looking at Rocky, despite knowing that Rocky could see him anyway. Grace knew that Rocky was persistent when he found something that caught his interest, and he knew this topic was one that Rocky simply wouldn’t let go of,
“Why not, question?” The stamping of Rocky’s foot was louder this time, betraying his frustration at Grace’s refusal to cooperate with what he thought was a simple question, “humans not have mates?” The question was ridiculous enough to pull an involuntary snort out of Grace,
“Oh no, humans definitely have mates.” He told Rocky, tone laced with light amusement,
“Then why Grace not talk about it, question?” Rocky was starting to sound distressed, air expelled from his vents with a high whine and Grace winced, he knew that he couldn’t avoid this forever,
“I don’t have a mate, that’s all.” He said dismissively, hoping that answer would be satisfying enough, knowing deep down that it wouldn’t be,
“Oh.” Was all Rocky offered in reply, immediately going silent. Grace didn’t say anything either, just allowed the space to be filled with sounds of artificial waves and Rocky anxiously clicking his claws together, “Grace sad not have mate, question?” Rocky asked finally, much quieter than before, there was a sour tone to the underlying hum and Grace felt his chest seize,
“Uh, well- I,” he stuttered weakly, unsure of how to respond. Rocky tilted his carapace towards Grace expectantly, for once the quiet that followed that question wasn’t judgmental, just laced with genuine concern and wonder, “not really.” Grace finally admitted quietly, fiddling with a loose thread on his trousers and hoping to quell the nauseating anxiety bubbling in his chest. Rocky hummed in response, the sound comforting in a way Grace didn’t know how to name.
Memories of past conversations swam through Graces head, angry shouting from past girlfriends demanding to know what was wrong with him, wanting to know why he didn’t love them like they loved him. A deep and broken feeling buried deep in his chest, shame coiled tightly in his stomach as each nasty thought bubbled back to the surface.
The memories of his history with relationships had come later than the others, dragged to the surface as he remembered the meeting where Stratt had asked him to give up his life,
“You don’t even have a dog.” Her cold clinical tone haunted him, the idea that his life was worth less just because he didn’t have some partner that would miss him felt like a dagger to the chest. He could never understand why he just couldn’t experience attraction like everyone else, couldn’t fix whatever was broken within him that made him incapable of romantic affection. On a planet where a lack of partnership was seen as an issue, Grace had once again felt like an outsider.
So many conversations ending with,
“You’ll find the right person eventually.” A sentiment that was meant to be comforting but only left a sour taste in his mouth.
Grace had tried, had pretended to experience crushes and forced himself into relationships that were doomed to fail from the start. Relationships that always ended the same way, with both of them hurting and Grace trying to pretend that he was sad it had ended, and not just sad that he had forced himself into it in the first place, knowing that it was never something he was made for,
“Grace?” Rocky called, a light distress creeping into his tone that made the man just feel so much worse, of course this would be how he destroyed their friendship. Another bond lost because he was incapable of just being normal.
He winced as he felt tears drip from his face, he hadn’t even realised he was crying,
“Yeah bud?” He turned to face Rocky, wiping tears away and praying that Rocky hadn’t noticed them, knowing that he definitely had,
“You’re leaking.” Rocky commented, leaning back in his ball, still a little offput by humans unnatural leaking of fluids,
“We’ve been over this, it’s called crying Rock.” Grace huffed a soft laugh, letting himself be briefly distracted by the familiar and comfortable banter, Rocky trilled unhappily,
“Why are you leaking, question?”
“I told you, it’s just not a topic I like very much.” Grace snapped, immediately regretting it, it wasn’t fair to Rocky, how could he know that Grace was broken? He chided himself for taking his frustration out on the only person, creature, that ever truly cared about him, “sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped.”
“Is okay,” Rocky reassured quickly, “Rocky should not have forced Grace to answer.” He tilted his carapace down, a shameful gesture that made Graces chest seize with guilt,
“No, it’s not your fault, I’m just-” he stopped himself before the word could slip out, closing his eyes and mentally scolding himself for ruining what was a previously nice conversation,
“Grace is what, question?” He stamped his foot unhappily, Rocky knew Grace well enough to recognise when he was about to say something bad about himself. Grace sighed, he turned to look at Rocky, vision slightly blurred by built up tears,
“Broken.” Grace replied, tone hollow in a way that made Rocky expel air from his vents unhappily,
“Grace not broken!” He protested, smacking his ball into Graces side again, much harder this time, “Grace in good health for human, Grace smart and brave, statement.” He continued, his frustrated hums starting to overpower the translator as he grew increasingly disgruntled,
“No, not like that,” Grace brought a hand up to point at his chest, just over his heart, “broken in here.” He explained, Rocky fidgeted,
“No understand.” He grumbled, rocking back and forth, growing increasingly distressed,
“Humans have mates Rock, it’s considered unnatural to not have one. Especially at my age.” He explained with a sigh, each worst leaving a bad taste in his mouth, he tried to swallow down the lump forming in his throat
“Dumb dumb dumb, Grace is young. Normal for Eridians to not have mate at this age.” He was stamping several his feet now, the sound loud and full of distress,
“Humans don’t live as long remember? It’s not normal to still be alone at my age.” Grace continued, growing frustrated at Rocky’s lack of understanding, then immediately becoming mad at himself for being frustrated at something Rocky couldn’t help,
“Grace in space, cannot have mate in space. If on Earth still, Grace could have mate.” Rocky said, lifting his body the way he does when he thinks he’s finally solved something,
“No!” Grace replied too quickly, he took a moment to compose himself before continuing, “I don’t- I don’t want a mate Rocky.” He admitted finally, the words feeling like a weight off his shoulders and a punch to the gut all at once. Rocky was silent for a long moment, humming something at a frequency Grace couldn’t hear but could feel in the air between them.
Grace was crying again, he pulled his knees to his chest and stared blankly at the screen in front of him, preparing himself for the words he knew were coming. The words he’s heard a dozen times before,
“Okay.” Rocky said simply, causing Grace to snap his head up and stare incredulously at the blank face of Rocky’s carapace,
“Huh?” He spluttered uselessly, Rocky didn’t falter,
“Normal for Eridians not to have mate.” He explained as if it was the most natural thing in the world, “we call-” he let out a long string of soft sounds, climbing up and down the musical scale in a way that made Grace slightly slack jawed, he knew that the Eridian language was beautiful but this was something else entirely. The note concluded with a soft trill, Rocky shook his entire body happily, completely unaware of the fact that he had just shattered Graces entire world view,
“What does it mean?” Grace asked slowly, carefully masking the way his voice threatened to tremble as he felt the tears building up again. Rocky hummed for a moment, considering how to explain such a beautiful word using the limited human language,
“Means one that is loved without needing to love.” He finally decided, jolting in panic as Grace let out a choked sob, “Grace leaking again, Rocky say something bad, question?” He pushed at Grace’s side with his ball, stress leaking from every note and filling the room,
“No, no!” Grace quickly reassured him, waving his hands frantically, “it’s just a beautiful word Rock.” He continued, sniffling lightly,
“Then why leaking, question?” Rocky asked, tilting his carapace in confusion, Grace smiled as he thought about how much Rocky behaved like a dog sometimes. He kept the thought to himself, knowing that Rocky would be deeply offended by the comparison,
“Humans don’t have anything like that.” He explained, voice quiet and quivering at the edges as he thought about all the things he’d been called in his life, “it’s seen as a bad thing on Earth, it makes you-” he cut himself off quicky, but Rocky was too quick and finished the statement for him,
“Broken.” Rocky whined quietly, connecting the dots and starting to understand what Grace was talking about. Grace hummed in acknowledgment,
“Yeah, that.” Grace still refused to make eye contact, despite Rockys reassurances, he couldn’t push away the dread building in his chest, bracing himself for the moment Rocky switched tunes.
Silence hung heavy in the air, Grace grew increasingly anxious the longer Rocky didn’t say anything,
“Humans dumb.” Rocky finally said, tone so certain that Grace couldn’t stop the snort he let out. He cast his eyes over towards Rocky, allowing a small smile to spread across his face as Rocky tipped his carapace down slightly in acknowledgment. Grace stared at Rocky through the xenonite for a long moment, letting the dread melt away as his friend stared back with no underlying disgust, or anger or any other negative emotion he was usually met with after this conversation,
“Yeah,” he agreed through a soft exhale, leaning his body into the xenonite ball and smiling wider as he felt Rocky press his own body into the other side, a gentle warmth seeped through the barrier and settled into Graces chest, “humans are dumb.” He continued, for once finding the words easy to say, he couldn’t believe that it took being sent into space on a suicide mission for him to finally accept this part of himself. But as he heard Rocky let out a soft hum, he realised that there was no one else he’d rather make this discovery with.