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How many times have I looked up into the crowds of this stinking city, hoping wildly to be pinned by the penetrating blue eyes of hazy memories? The fantasy has rooted so deep that some days the disappointment is the sharpest, clearest fucking feeling. How long has my heart been carrying the weight of those moments?
The image of his slim back as he walked away, my love dripping off unsheathed claws after my moment of confession. Why had I been stupid enough to think he might look for me one day? His dismissal had been so clear, so heart-wrenching it still reaches across all these years.
“I don’t feel love.”
It isn’t till the taxi stops at the curb that I even realize my hand is out. Come back too sharply into the now.
I collapse into the back seat and tell the guy to just drive for a while, not wanting to go back to the spartan studio apartment Hilde would go apeshit over if she found out I’d been living in for the past year, not the luxurious two bedroom on the other end of town with the fucking kitchen island and jacuzzi tub.
Street-rat like me would probably have had a breakdown living in an apartment with more than three rooms. That’s what I told myself at the time, but now I wonder if it had been some kind of penance. I wasn’t here for pleasures; I was here because I was a sick fuck that had never learned to let shit go.
The salvage business two wide-eyed 18-year-olds had started five years ago had gone gangbusters, enough to open a secondary location on earth right outside the Sanc kingdom. We had quite a few employees now that could have headed the second operation at launch instead of me, but…
I let out a breezy sigh. I know there’s an art to letting go, but fuck me if I’d yet to learn it. Couldn’t let go of Solo, fought a war clinging to memories of Maxwell church, kept over a foot of hair because cutting it would be like losing Sister Helen all over again.
Once I had money, I even began keeping odd collections of old comic books and broken things. So I kept and I hoarded because I was too weak to endure the pain of things coming to an end.
Watching Heero Yuy walk away had scarred my heart so deep it still felt like it was bleeding.
So yeah, Hilde had connections on Earth. Right outside Sanc Kingdom. The top place Heero might go if he ever came back. So of course, once that was decided, I hadn’t been able to stop my stupid fucking self from offering the next few years of my life to starting up the enterprise.
It had actually been pretty exciting at the beginning, so much so I’d nearly forgotten the reason I’d uprooted so drastically from the most stable life I’d known. Nearly.
But six months went, then a year, then two. Once facilities were stocked, permits went through, people hired and trained it was like a tether loosed and suddenly I wasn’t really here anymore. I still worked scrap and answered all the shit that needed answers, but seeing the same people in and out, feeling the same vague shame and disappointment- it was like a light in me just shut off.
Maybe so I didn’t overcharge.
Putting on enough of a façade at work was easy, always had been, but vidcalls with Hilde were a little more difficult. I resorting to calling from the office if we needed to go over things, vid filters are a masterful thing. There’s only a tiny mirror in my apartment bathroom and none at work, but I know I’m pale and drawn and if Hilde saw that she’d be up my ass.
So I ate, slept and did the 9-5 (more like 6-whenever the hell I forced myself to go home) that I could almost, almost fool myself. Till the harsh reality of going home alone every night wormed its way in; showed me just how fucking pathetic I was. Hence, sitting in the back of this taxi cruising down random streets and letting the ticker count up just how desperate I was not to be alone anymore.
All these years and I couldn’t seem to unclasp my fingers from a dream I’d foolishly thought could come true. Had thought the look in Heero’s eyes meant something when we grasped at each other in the dark, biting down noises and words, moved hot and heavy against one another with hormonal greed.
God I’d been so stupid back then, fuck even now!
I knew, look I knew Heero could compartmentalize his feelings like he’d been trained and tortured to do, but some small part of me had thought that there actually were feelings to compartmentalize; feelings that meant maybe Heero would want to stick around for a while and see where things between us could go.
When the war ended, I’d thought that if one of us was going to be brave it might as well be me because I didn’t want to just walk away again too worried about rejection. But fuck if hindsight wasn’t a nasty bitch and it would have hurt so much less to go my whole life wondering ‘what if’, rather than-
“I love you.” Cold blue eyes staring so deeply inside I felt ripped open and naked.
“I don’t feel love.” Helplessness was too light a word for what poured into the wound of my heart as Heero turned, duffle-bag slung over his shoulder, and never looked back.
So why had I set myself up to possibly relive that embarrassing moment of harsh reality? I honestly can’t even remember now, except that I’m apparently a masochistic piece of shit that had never met another person in my varied walks of life that felt so much like home.
Looking into Heero’s eyes had made me feel known, feel seen as the whole of myself and not just the parts I chose to let out. Even Hilde, pretty innocent Hilde, didn’t know about some of the shadier things from my past life. The whoring, the drug-use, intimately knowing the feel of a windpipe crushed beneath my fingers.
Heero knew. In the sweaty, shrouded dark, when we’d exchanged happy delightful stories of our childhoods, the starving and death, the humiliation and doing whatever we had to do to survive; we’d made ourselves perfectly fucking known to one another.
And I guess I’d thought it meant something. Felt such privilege to be given the gift of Heero’s past that I’d made the biggest ass out of myself possible and was still running after the man when the chance had come up, like a god damn puppy hungering for attention.
But now it’s time for letting go.
I finally give the cab driver an address 10 blocks from my apartment and the man doesn’t even bat an eye, not hesitating the slightest before driving right into the heart of the ghetto. I knew taking a taxi to this part of the city would put a bit of a target on my back, but after tipping the guy pretty well I take a few steps into an ally and blend seamlessly into the shadows.
I’d memorized the layout of the place in the first few days of habitation, as well as some of the less than savory clientele that lingered around. Place had nothing on some slums I’ve been in, but I really didn’t want to deal with confrontations. Just didn’t have the energy.
Jesus, who the hell am I anymore? I don’t feel like Duo Maxwell, ex-gundam pilot and part salvage business owner, sure as hell didn’t feel like Dodger the street-rat either, and whoever the fuck I’d been when Heero Yuy’s hands were all over me, eyes gazing too intimately into mine, showing emotions I had no words for. Well, whoever the fuck that guy was, he’s gone. Torn apart by the rabid dogs of monotony and despair.
It had to have been fate fucking with me again tonight of all nights; the five-year anniversary of Heero walking away from us all, that Quatre Winner’s bright beautiful face had been shining out from my vidscreen.
“Quat?” And fuck but I couldn’t help but be delighted. Quatre Winner was one of the purest, most badass men I’ve ever known in my pathetic walk of life and for some reason seemed to give a shit about me in turn. We’d felt like brothers during the war, like Quatre’s hope and heart was enough to sustain us all. And even after being out of communication for years it still felt that way.
“Duo! It’s good to see you my friend!” We’d exchanged news and updates, a few anecdotes about our day to day lives and for the first time in months I’d found my smile to be more than just a mask.
“So, I’ve been talking to Hilde.” I blinked. That was a strange bomb the blonde had just lobbed and I wasn’t really sure which were the right wires to cut. I hadn’t even had the slightest clue that two of my best friends spoke with any kind of regularity.
“Oh yeah? What about?” Quatre grinned in a way that made me feel like a game had been going on behind closed doors.
“Well, your business has piqued quite a lot of interest. Winner Corp has made an offer to foot a branch of your business on L4.” Well, I nearly goddamn choked. Getting an investor like WC was a golden ticket to retirement. We could probably afford a branch or two on every colony and several more on earth.
But something rankled in a way that made the offer seem like a hand-out. I’d had to work to the stinking bone for everything my entire life, it made this offer of Quat’s feel too much like charity. And damn it if the man couldn’t still read me even from thousands of miles away.
“This has nothing to do with our past or current relationship my friend. Your business has all the makings of being an extremely good return on investments; what you’ve been able to accomplish in the last few years alone has been incredible! And if we don’t jump in, one of our competitors will.” Well. That deserved some more surprised blinking.
I’d known we’d been ballooning as a company, but wasn’t one much for accounting or the business dealing side, that was handled by Hilde and a few other trustworthy people. No, I was good at telling men what to do with tools, where not to stick said tools, and how to sort through thrashed, twisted machinery that got dumped in the yard, hopefully without dying.
I’d had no real idea the business was doing well enough to entice a megalodon like WC. I hadn’t honestly been paying that much attention lately.
“Holy shit.” Quatre’s laughed and I blushed, realizing I’d said that aloud. “Well fuck Quat, that’s, I mean that’s awesome! Jesus Hilde musta gone through the roof!”
“Well, she didn’t even crack a smile during initial negotiations, but when we talked privately that night, she squealed high enough to cut the audio.” Duo had burst into laughter. He could imagine Hilde near beside herself in delight.
“I can’t believe she hasn’t called to do the same to me man! When did all this go down?”
“We finished deals yesterday, I asked for the pleasure of breaking the news to you. Hilde recommended you as the launch head of the new division.” The goddamn man would just not stop throwing these grenades! Leave earth?
My heart had quailed a little at the thought, not sure if I was really ready to admit defeat. Quatre continued without my input. “While I think you would be fantastic for the job, what you’re doing on Earth is incredible, you’re highly spoken of, and you’ve been there long enough to set down roots.” I hadn’t corrected him. “But I wonder if there might be a different reason you would refuse the post?”
Aquamarine eyes twinkled in just the way I remembered when Quatre was trying to be crafty, and I’d been bewildered that he’d figured out the pathetic reason I’d come to Earth. My stomach churned with embarrassment.
“I mean, I think at this point it’s kind of a lost cause.” It had finally been Quatre’s turn to be surprised.
“I didn’t think things had progressed that far, maybe you guys should talk before you decide?” Then I was really goddamn confused.
“Who, me and Hilde?”
“No, you and Heero.” I had honest to god thought I was going to pass out; body going numb, my whole self feeling like it was floating right above my shoulders. It was all so sudden it took long moments to realize I had stood up and Quatre’s voice was saying my name over and over with increased urgency. I breathed deep and with forced slowness several times, finally sat back down to face Quatre’s overwhelming concern. I cleared my throat.
“Haven’t talked to that guy since he walked. You know that Quat.” He had just looked at me for a long time.
“He hasn’t contacted you?” Which meant he’d been in some kind of contact with one of them. Not me. I could only shake my head. Quatre briefly looked incensed, but smothered it into the blank, board-room game face I’d never liked. Made him look too much like his father.
“Heero returned to Sanc two months ago and was in contact with me shortly after. He’s been part of Relena’s bodyguard detail since.” My immediate thought was if Heero was ok, but obviously he was if he was well enough to work. Wanted to ask if he knew I was right outside the palace grounds, but I suddenly really didn’t want to know.
“He hasn’t contacted you?”
“Oh.” Jesus, I had felt like the life had been sucked from me. After all this time, all this fucking pining and nights alone, the man I was still in love with hadn’t even bothered to let me know he was alive. Not even an ‘I’m back, leave me alone’.
Like I wasn’t even worth considering.
“Duo…”
“So that job still open?” I’d swallowed back the pain, the sting of yet more rejection, and stared Quatre, beast of the board room, into submission. What else could I do? We talked over semantics and flight plans, and never once did he mention that guy’s name again.
Things had been set up so well in this branch my second in command was ripe to take over any time. I’d brought him in to talk to Quatre and focused on swelling with pride when he not only managed to hold down most of his nerves, but showed a breadth of knowledge of the workings of similar companies WC was involved in that I hadn’t even known about.
When it came time to talk about me leaving planet-side it shocked the hell out of me when Quatre insisted that as-soon-as-possible meant exactly that, that he had a ticket for L4 booked for tomorrow morning. My second looked equally shocked, but recovered much better than I had.
I knew why Quatre had decided getting me off-planet was that important and it was humiliating the situation was so fucking easy to read. Maybe he’d known what had been going on between the two of us during the war and his big romantic heart had conjured up ideas of me running into Heero’s waiting arms. Good thing he wasn’t giving me much time to think about it.
And then I was saying goodbye to everyone that was on site today, an impromptu party of pizza and hastily procured baked items from a place down the street we all loved, my desk cleaned of what little personal items I had and then that was that. Hailed a taxi and slipped into the night of this city for the last time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reaching the decrepit hall of my apartment building is surreal. My last night looking at these moldy walls, smelling the cat piss emanating from all directions, being annoyed by the wonky painting of the ‘3A’ on my door because they were too cheap to use metal numbers. I open the peeling door for close to the last time and survey what I’d accomplished in my personal life the past 2 years.
A grimy studio apartment with a single wooden chair in front of the only window, complete with a tiny table housing a few books and magazines, the kitchen stained and barely used with a single set of all the essential utensils, a chipped dresser shoved at the end of the bed with the small TV on top, a few toiletries (the bathroom was small and near unusable) and one framed picture.
I pick up the photo, staring at details I’d memorized in the hours spent staring at it.
It’s all five of us pilots in street clothes. Christ, I don’t even remember where we’d been, but Quatre had set up the camera and insisted on taking some shots. I do remember that Heero hadn’t been very participatory till I’d literally dragged him in frame next to me and then he’d easily let himself be manhandled into different positions till Quatre had been satisfied.
I remember the way his muscles had been so stiff and reluctant, but relaxed when I put my arm over his shoulder; how my heart had pounded when he’d leaned in closer.
Wetness plops right over his face, obscuring the youthful features. I wipe insistently at my eyes, laying the frame down flat on the dresser. It takes a bit to locate my duffle bag and when it’s filled with clothes and books, some movies and the picture frame it looks pathetically empty still.
I sigh deeply, laying out on the bed to stare at the water-stained ceiling for the last time, listening to the muffled noises of neighbors walking around and talking, children screaming somewhere on the upper story, cars and people out on the streets keeping the city blood alive and pumping.
I wonder if I need to inform the landlord I’m leaving, but it’s a month-to-month thing and the guy is a prick anyway. I’m paid till the end of the month and a cold email is all the idiot deserves.
There is a sweet old lady on the first floor that I briefly wonder if I should say goodbye to. Whenever she made meatballs she always had me over for dinner. She had a couple kids around the city and they came whenever they could to help out so it wasn’t always just her and her 4 cats. I’d stop by in the morning.
Besides that, I haven’t made very many connections on Earth that aren’t work related. That thought hits pretty hard.
I haven’t even been trying all this time, have I? Once I stepped out of Maxwell & Schbeiker’s at the end of the day it was like I ceased being an autonomous person, moving around the city without ever really being a part of it. Like I wasn’t whole anymore.
A knock sounds at the door, rattling the few dishes in the cupboards that had come with the apartment. My mind automatically conjures the super, somehow figuring out I’d planned on skipping out. It’s a ridiculous thought, is probably someone looking for the stoners down the hall who made the hallway sweet and skunky.
I had bought a couple joints off them, but found it dulled my anxiety a little alarmingly. I’d had to acknowledge how much of it there constantly was once it came crashing back in after sobering up. Shit, I still had some stashed in that half-full coffee can. The knock sounds again, hard and insistent.
“Yeah, hang on!” I grab down the coffee can and pull out the small baggie. What the hell was I gonna do with one and a half joints? Give them back to those guys? Leave them? Flush them down the toilet? Best if I just gave them back, no point wasting the stuff.
Shoving the baggie into my pants pocket I put the can on the counter and go to see who the hell is hanging around so persistently at the door. I was ready for stoners, for the super, for the little old lady that lived downstairs. Even ready for the damn cops.
I was not ready for Heero Yuy.
He looks different, older and more filled out. His eyes still cut hard, but there are lines around them that had not been there when we were teenagers. His hair is shorter, and speaking of short I’m looking down from a pretty good height, at least 6 inches. He isn’t very tall, but he fills out those jeans and dark t-shirt spectacularly.
The first shock of seeing him is stinging in my throat and I know I should say something, but no words will come. It’s painfully apparent Quatre had talked to him, possibly even bitched him out and that- that hurts so badly I’m terrified I’m going to cry again. Catch the wetness trying to edge into my eyes till I have to look away from the beautiful ghost of my past.
He just stands there, silent and blank and it’s so goddamn painful I think about just shutting the door in his face.
“Duo.” His voice has changed, deeper now, but just as filling as it had always been. Sends my heart fluttering wildly, but instead of feeling young and joyful hearing my name in that voice, I just feel sick.
I nod my head like a fucking fool, like I’m confirming my identity. But I just can’t say anything. So fucking pathetic. But honestly, it doesn’t matter that I am, that I have been; I’ve already decided I’m letting go of this fantasy.
Even if it is finally standing right in front of me. I can barely look at it. I’m leaving, I’m going to let go.
“Hey man, long time no see.” From the corner of my eye, I see him nod as well and suddenly notice his hands are balled-up fists in his jean pockets. I can tell how little he wants to be here doing…whatever this is.
I rub at the skin under my eye and remember how fucking tired I look all the time now. I really don’t want to do this dance; I want to try and sleep as much as possible before the hectic circus of inter-colony space travel. “Look man, it’s really late. It’s…cool to see you and I’m glad you’re good, but can we do this later?” Hands pull out of jean pockets to cross tightly against Heero’s chest.
“That will be difficult since you’re not going to be planet side after tomorrow.” It’s so weird hearing the different timbers mixing with ones I remember so well, once knew intimately. Even with the differences though I can hear ‘pissy’ a mile away. Sighing I look up at the rusty sprinkler overhead, when the hell had those things last worked?
“Yeah, kind of sprung out of nowhere. I’m sure Quat told you all about it.” Better to get this painful reacquaintance over, then we could report back to our mutual friend we’d seen each other and said our goodbyes or whatever.
“He did.” I give it ten heartbeats. Right.
“Well, good to see you buddy, I’ll send you a postcard when I get to L4. Take it easy Yuy.” His hand slaps against the door mid-swing. I look up in surprise and now he looks pissed and confused in a way I’ve never seen him. Never seen so much emotion painted so clearly that wasn’t insane battle joy or ecstasy.
“Can I come in?” The words sound dragged out, forced into the air between us. I want to say no, it’s right there filling my tongue. But even after all this time, I can’t say no to Heero goddamn Yuy.
I turn back into the apartment, hearing the door finally fall shut behind me. I move nervously into the kitchen, no real thought but to not get near the bed. I see the coffee can and laugh a little, remembering the biggest crisis in my life just 5 minutes ago was what to do with some weed.
There’s a questioning noise behind me and I think ‘fuck it’, I was never a saint and this guy showing up again warranted a bit of anxiety reprieve. I start looking through drawers.
“Want a drink?” Seems like having a plan was finally settling my nerves.
“No thank you.” Ah-ha! Matches. I pull out the baggie, fishing out the half-finished joint.
“Want to smoke?” I shoot him a daring eyebrow and slice of a grin. He looks entirely bemused. The intense facial expressions, so weird!
“Uh-” I pop the joint in my mouth and move towards the window, not actually caring about his answer, jumping up to sit on the table edge, place my feet on the wooden chair in case he had some crazy idea of sitting there. The window is propped open with a wooden dowel, the smell of cooling pavement and exhaust floats through on cool night air.
I flick a match and light the blackened end of the joint, sucking life into it and possibly myself. I feel more than see Heero move up next to the table and hold the joint out to him, actually jumping with surprise when fingers trail against mine to take it. I’m shocked as hell when Heero takes a deep hit, holds, and lets a thick cloud out towards the window.
He’s looking out the window at the surprisingly nice view of a small back street lined with bright colorful shop signs, ivy a climbing carpet up the sides of wet, dirty brick. I stare at him. He’s just as gorgeous as I remember, more now that his jaw and cheekbones have defined. His shoulders are relaxed all on their own, no need for me to coax it out of them.
I feel the fuzzy rush of THC and CBD making their happy way around, glad this is a blend and not indica. I’m already so goddamn tired and if I fell asleep now…then I wouldn’t get to be with Heero for however long it takes him to say whatever’s on his mind.
“Why’re you here?” I venture as my brain gets a little mushy. He takes another hit before handing the joint back.
“I wanted to see you.” Is said in a rush on the exhale. I stare at his profile, still looking out the window, hands back in his pockets.
“Oh.” I take a hit, then another. What the hell am I supposed to say to that? Was I supposed to bring up the fact he obviously could have found me easily in the two months he’d been back?
He finally tears his eyes away from the window, but only to look around the apartment, taking in everything he hadn’t already.
“This place doesn’t really seem like you.” An angry wave of ‘what the fuck do you know?!’ sweeps up, but the weed helps it fall back down. I shrug, deciding to take another hit.
“Not like it’s home anymore, already have everything packed.” I see him eye the half-filled duffle and it feels so intrusive I want to kick him out of the apartment, not let him see the barren pathetic life I’ve been living, pining after his stupid ass.
He doesn’t say anything for a while and I stare out the window instead, getting lost in the people moving down there and the heavy feeling of being high.
“Duo-” It’s said so close, so much closer than I expected that I jerk in shock, the table shaking alarmingly under my ass. He’s right there, a foot from my face and eyes softer than I’ve ever seen them. I shoot off the table, knocking the chair over in my haste to put distance between us.
It’s in the wrong direction though. I’m left standing near the bed, trying to keep him in my line of sight so he can’t sneak up on me again, but all those repressed thoughts of skin and heat flood my system. I want to tell him to leave, to get the fuck out, to not have that fucking hurt expression on his face, jesus, like he’s gonna cry.
“Do you want me to leave?” Yes! Is what I should shout, but I don’t really want that, at all. I want an apology, I want to be in his arms again, I want to make him smile and see if that’s changed too.
It’s all too much and getting high was probably the wrong decision.
I shove the heels of my hands into my eyes and just breathe. It doesn’t matter that Heero is here, that I still want him; he knew I was here for two fucking months and didn’t make himself known until papa Winner scolded him.
And I’m leaving.
That strengthens my resolve. I’d been stupid and foolish in life and love up to this point where Heero was concerned, but that didn’t mean it had to continue.
“I told the super I’d be out tonight and was gonna get a hotel close to the spaceport, Quat set up a flight at an ungodly hour, probably so I’d be delirious and agree to work for peanuts.” I give a small chuckle, trying to hide the embarrassment of such a blatant lie, but a hotel is a good idea anyway.
The flight is crazy early and sleeping somewhere that doesn’t stink of mold would make a nice change. I move deliberately to close the window and pick up the half-packed duffle.
“Can I give you a lift?” I honestly hadn’t expected that kind of offer and my stoned brain agrees before I can make up an excuse. He holds the door for me as I shut off the lights and then we’re standing in the hall together. I blink down at him and he’s looking so soft and vulnerable I feel a lump forming in my chest, pushing up into my throat. I clear it away harshly.
“I gotta make a few stops.” And quickly move down the hall and away from those imploring eyes.
First are the stoners, who are entirely too happy to take the weed and wish me “stellar times on my voyage through the stars.” Then it’s the little old lady on the first floor who insists on making a Tupperware of leftovers, eyeing Heero a little.
When she hands over the food I get pulled into a hug and she whispers “he’s cute” into my ear before wishing me well. I look over, catch a smile on Heero’s face and I hate the way my stomach squirms. I’m alive with curiosity over the changes Heero must have gone through to let so much emotion show, but I’d be damned before I was gonna ask.
Last stop is to drop the key in the super’s mailbox and then we’re on the street.
“We need to walk a little to get to my car.” Then Heero is brazenly strolling down the dark city street. Only Heero could pull it off in a place like this, not even tweaking junkies are gonna mess with him, the predatory confidence is enough to chill any rage or desperation.
This is the Heero I remembered, but why does it feel like now it’s just a mask he wears when he needs to? We don’t say anything as I follow him a few blocks towards the nicer, more well-lit areas, finally stopping at a black SUV.
“Wow man, we gonna pick up some kids from soccer practice?” Heero chuckles and I hate how pleased it makes me feel.
“Company issued.” And that cools any pleasant feelings instantly. I throw my duffle in the back, slide into the leather passenger seat and immediately take out my phone.
There are logistical reasons, I need to figure out where the hell I’m even having Heero drive me, but mostly I don’t want to talk. Heero starts the car without prompting and begins driving towards the spaceport.
After a few minutes of scoping and making reservations somewhere close enough to the port but also not too far and extend this excruciating experience, I give an address that he punches into the sleek, fancy dash-screen.
I want to make some quip about knowing princesses having its perks, but just can’t muster enough enthusiasm to make it sound anything but sarcastic. I may be feeling some twisted, agonizing things over the guy but I really don’t want our last conversation to be a fight.
I stay silent and stare out the window, letting the silence stretch into uncomfortable and beyond. To my surprise Heero is the one to send some courageous words into the void.
“Quatre tells me your company has been very successful.” I have to laugh, leaning back into plush leather.
“Pretty good for a couple spacer brats. Hilde always had a head for business.”
“And you always had a way with machines, it was something I admired about you.” I look over at his silhouette in shock. He smiles. “I admired a lot of things actually.” Was Heero being…flirtatious?? I clear my throat and look back out the window.
“Could’ve fooled me. Pretty sure that’s the first compliment I’ve ever gotten from you.”
“That’s probably true. G’s training didn’t really include how to be a decent person. If he was alive, I’d lodge a complaint.” That shocks a laugh out of me and there’s that relaxed smile again.
“Man, you’ve definitely loosened up some.” Heero’s hands clench on the steering wheel.
“That was part of the reason I left. Some of G’s old colleagues contacted me right after the last battle. They’d set up a facility to help reform soldiers that had been…modified.”
“What kind of facility?”
“Part medical and part mental rehabilitation. They…G didn’t just put me through physical training; he implanted chips in my amygdala and frontal lobes to regulate emotions and fear responses-”
“What the fuck?!” I sit up straighter, interrupting his flow of words. “What kind of sick bastard does that to a kid?” Heero smiles ruefully, looking over briefly like he’s pleased.
“The kind that wants to win wars at all costs.” I shake my head, motioning for him to continue.
“Needless to say, they wanted to remove those first, and it was damned tricky. It took almost two years to recover some lost motor functions. But after, I underwent their regular PTSD and social rehabilitation classes. It…it helped a lot.”
I’m fucking shocked. Shocked G was such a crazy asshole, that Heero had gone along with it, but also proud that he’d eventually faced the things done to him and gone to such lengths to overcome it.
“I’m happy for you man, that’s some fucked-up stuff to go through, and you seem pretty happy now.”
“I’m getting there.” His dash informs us we’re a couple minutes away from the hotel. Part of me is sad that this reuniting with Heero is coming to an end, who knew when we’d see each other again?
But an even bigger part of me is relieved.
Heero has obviously moved on, working to improve himself and building a life. I need to finally start doing the same. I know I’m not happy, but am starting to hope I’ll get there someday too.
The car falls silent again and I’m content enough to let things lie. It feels like something is finally settling inside me, some restless pain easing now that I know Heero is safe and healthy, and even if it is a bitter pill to swallow, knowing definitively he doesn’t want or need me in his life is its own kind of painful relief.
We pull up to the curb of a ridiculously nice hotel (they had jacuzzies!) and I try to think of a way to say goodbye without it sounding needy or cold.
“Can I come up?” I turn to look at him and there’s an achingly familiar fire in his eyes. It’s a look I’d come to expect before getting pulled down onto a bed or into a dark corner.
And fuck does that hurt.
It hurts so much that he could give a fuck less about loving me, but still wants full access to my body. It hurts because of how much I want it too. I can picture it perfectly: the way his mouth would taste, hands grasping and pinching at my skin, the feel of his muscles thrumming with power, how much softer he could be in those moments that it would probably make me cry.
It’s that thought that snaps me out of it. I feel too much to just get off for the night, and Heero fucking knows that.
“Don’t think that’s a good idea Yuy.” It’s silent in the car for a long time. It’s suddenly not important to get a goodbye from him. After all of this he probably just wants me to go. I open the door and get out without looking at him, grab the duffle from the back. As I slam it closed, I see he’s gotten out of the car to hover near the passenger door, staring determinately at the ground.
“Look, Heero…”
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…if you’d wanted….” He stops and, fuck, his eyes are brimming with tears. It takes everything in me not to rush over and comfort him. I don’t even know what to say. He inhales wetly a few times. “I thought about you the entire time I was in that place, thought about what I would say if I ever got to see you again.”
I blink. But before I can work out how that fits in with his ignoring me all this time he goes on. “I wanted to tell you why I walked away, but I didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up in case I didn’t survive the procedures. I wanted to tell you what it meant to me- everything between us during the war, that sometimes I focused on those memories to get through. But I just….” He looks up at me then and the tears make his blue eyes look like sapphires.
Had I made myself forget how gorgeous they were?
We stare at each other for a long time, he seems equally as caught. It’s not until the doors to the hotel open and light music spills out that we break the stare. He wipes at his eyes and I adjust the duffle on my shoulder. I have no idea what to say, my brain still swimming in weed and sadness.
But I think I know what he’s trying to say. He’d been a damaged boy grasping at anything that gave him comfort, chemically and mechanically cut off from the person he should have been. Maybe if G hadn’t done those things he would have found healthier ways to cope, but I’d been there and his training at least allowed sexual release so he’d taken it.
“Yeah Heero, it’s alright. We got each other through the war and now you’re getting healthy, right? I’m happy for you man.” I expect him to look relieved at not having to explain, but he just looks crushed.
I don’t know how to help him though and he doesn’t say anything. The doorman finally comes over and asks if we need our car parked and if not for Heero to move it.
Heero looks at me imploringly and I wonder if he wants to talk more, but if he’s got more to say we can always vidchat, maybe start a long-distance friendship. It’s getting late and I know full well what will happen if he comes up to my hotel room.
“Guess this is goodbye then He-man. Maybe we can vidchat once I…” But Heero starts crying in earnest and I’m so shocked I can only watch as he stumbles back around the front of the car, jumps into the driver’s seat and peels away.
My heart starts slamming in confusion and fear that he’s gonna crash with the state he’s in, but there’s nothing I can do standing on the sidewalk, not having his number or a way to reach anyone he knows besides Quat, and I just can’t deal with him on top of everything. All I can do is walk around the shocked bellman, check into my hotel room and cry into the 1000 thread count luxury pillow cases.
I’m finally realizing there’s a part of me that will never be able to let go.