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Nikolai would say he and Fyodor had a close bond.
Fyodor wasn’t too terribly expressive when it came to that sort of thing, but there was a reason Nikolai wasn’t dead yet.
And, he didn’t miss the way Fyodor looked at him. His eyes glinted like cold steel, shattering Nikolai like glass and analyzing carefully the way each broken piece caught and refracted the light.
In time, those eyes would be dull and lifeless, the light gone from them forever.
Sometimes, Nikolai would stare at Fyodor, and Fyodor would turn to stare at him, and their eyes would meet. Those encounters always made Nikolai smile. His beloved Fyodor, mentally dissecting him like a dead bird.
Naturally, when Nikolai arrived at Meursault and reunited with Fyodor, his heart wouldn’t stop pounding.
And when he clasped Fyodor’s pale, cold hands, he felt the black-haired man’s fingers curl slightly over his.
It wasn’t long before Nikolai became painfully aware of a new challenger.
He didn’t miss the way Fyodor consumed Osamu Dazai with his eyes. It wasn’t mental dissection, however; it was him sizing up a competitor, one who had proved his intelligence.
Nikolai felt his chest tighten. It wasn’t until his jaw began to ache that he realized he was gritting his teeth.
Sigma didn’t hold as much interest for Fyodor, but he was still in the game.
That was when Nikolai had an idea.
Raising a finger in the air, he declared, “Quiz time!”
The others turned to look at him. Fyodor’s face was impassive, but his head tilted slightly to the side, strands of his black hair falling into place at the miniscule movement.
Nikolai placed a hand on his chest. “As you all know, I am here to kill Fyodor and Dazai! And, I’m going to play with Sigma. Anyway…”
He twirled around, his cape fluttering behind him. He stopped and pointed at Fyodor. “This man right here is the star of our show today! Give it up for… Fyodor Dostoevsky!”
Dazai and Sigma applauded politely. Fyodor dipped his chin, a smile tugging at his lips. Nikolai’s gaze lingered on the black-haired man’s mouth for longer than he wanted.
Forcing himself to look away, he continued, “I’m sure you’re still very curious about our dear Fyodor, especially regarding the matters of his heart. That brings us to our quiz today! Who does Fyodor love the most?”
Dazai and Sigma looked at each other. Dazai put a finger on his chin. “Well… Can I vote for myself? Because I’m voting for myself!”
Nikolai chortled. “Interesting!” He hoped he wasn’t gritting his teeth again. “And you, Sigma?”
“Um…” At that moment, Sigma bore a startling resemblance to a fish out of water. “I’ll vote for you, Nikolai. He did let you hold his hands.”
Nikolai twirled around again. “My vote doesn’t count, because I am the one posing this quiz!” He pointed at Fyodor. “And now, the moment of truth! Who do you, Fyodor, love the most!?”
Fyodor slowly raised a hand. Nikolai’s eyes caught on the former’s slender fingers.
“An interesting question,” Fyodor remarked. “I wouldn’t say ‘love’ in the conventional sense. Then again, there are many facets to ‘love.’”
All eyes were trained on the movement of Fyodor’s hand. Nikolai’s heart pounded.
Fyodor chuckled. “Out of all the people gathered here, I love…”
“It’s probably me,” Dazai muttered to Sigma.
Fyodor pointed at Nikolai.
“You.”
Nikolai’s heart stopped.
Fyodor understood him. Fyodor valued him. And… Fyodor loved him!?
“Quit gaping like that, Nikolai.” Fyodor brushed aside strands of his black hair. “You look like a fish.”
Nikolai hugged him.
“Oh, this is so wonderful!” he cried, squeezing Fyodor as hard as he could. “You, my dear Dostoy, are the only one who understands me! I love you, too!”
Fyodor winced. “Too… hard…”
Nikolai let go of him. “Right, sorry!”
Dazai and Sigma were aghast.
“It should’ve been me!” cried Dazai.
Sigma was speechless.
“Oh, this is so wonderful!” yelled Nikolai. Every inch of his body felt as light as a feather. Laughter bubbled up from his chest.
He grabbed Fyodor’s hands and bounced his arms up and down, singing, “Bernadette, you are my liberty…”
The latter let it happen, a satisfied smile on his face.
Nikolai hugged him again, more carefully this time. Fyodor’s slender body was cold to the touch. The jester nuzzled Fyodor’s cheek.
“Nikolai.”
He turned to see Fyodor smiling at him. It was an enigmatic smile—par for the course for Fyodor—but his eyes glinted with something softer.
“If you want to kiss me, I don’t mind it.”
Nikolai blushed all over, his heart fluttering. “Like on the lips, or—”
“Sure.” Fyodor closed his eyes. “Don’t keep me waiting.”
Nikolai kissed him.
Fyodor’s skin was almost frigid, but Nikolai didn’t mind. Their lips fit together perfectly, like puzzle pieces with the softness of a dove’s wing. Their noses touched, and Nikolai rested both hands on Fyodor’s face. Everything seemed to glow with velvet radiance.
When they separated, Nikolai felt the tension ease from his body.
“You’ve never kissed someone before, have you?” Fyodor asked him. He was composed as usual, but a faint blush dusted his cheeks.
Nikolai nodded, not trusting himself to speak.
“You’re quiet. I don’t mind if you talk, but your silence is a rare occurrence.”
“I’ll kill you, I swear it!” Nikolai suddenly burst out. The words flew from his chest like a flock of ravens. All at once, the tension settled back into him.
Fyodor raised an eyebrow. “I know you will.” A teasing smile curled his lips, and Nikolai got the impression that Fyodor knew something he didn’t.
“But…” Nikolai took a deep breath. A smile warmed his face, and his heart began to grow light. “Not yet.”
He gently took Fyodor’s hand. His whole world glimmered in his palm, and he wasn’t about to let its light die out so soon.
Fyodor smiled at him. “You know me. Do what you like.”
His fingers curled over Nikolai’s.
Meanwhile, Dazai and Sigma were still in shock.
Dazai sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Man, I really thought we had something…”
Sigma smiled, his eyes glistening. “I was right.”
Nikolai smiled until his face hurt, but it was a pleasant kind of pain. He was a bird, soaring high into the sky on wings of light.
In order to become truly free, he would kill Fyodor.
But there was no rule saying that had to happen now.