Chapter Text
Shane is twelve when the theoretical concept of a soulmate, his soulmate becomes irrevocably real. Impossible to ignore. When the idea of a soulmate someday in the future instead becomes something…no someone, he worries about day and night. Some girl, living who knows where, who becomes his first thought in the morning and his last thought before he falls asleep.
Before then, he knew about soulmates. In that way you know about anything when you’re young – interpretations of what your parents, your teachers, your classmates say filtered through the lens of being small, or being an idiot. Shane frequently feels like more of an idiot. He doesn’t really understand his classmates, and he feels like his parents are often explaining things to him that he should just get. His teachers didn’t know what to do. And they usually didn’t bother to take the time to walk him through the nuances he was missing.
Obviously, people talked about soulmates in school. Shane had read the stories about great love, grown across time and space through a soulbond. He had watched the Disney movies, staring rapt at the screen as the prince and princess completed their soulbond – becoming one heart. Shane had been taught in school about the science (as if a phenomenon of unknown origin could really be described as “science”) explaining how the bond opened for one person once their soulmate experienced their so-called worst moment. Though in reality, any significant trauma or injury could be sufficient to trigger the bond.
Though there were general rules about how a bond opens, it differed from soulbond to soulbond. Some people were born with their bond open, if they were born premature, needing their soulmate’s comfort from their first, struggling breaths. In second grade, Jennifer Davidson came running into class the day after she broke her arm falling off the monkey bars, bragging about how her soulmate had comforted her through getting her cast put on. Shane was secretly excited when the next year he had broken his wrist playing hockey, hoping that like Jennifer his soulmate would reach out to him as he sat in the ER with his dad. Unfortunately, nothing changed. His dad teased him. Buddy if you’re going to be so excited every time you hurt yourself, your bond is never going to open! Shane had immediately started tearing up, and his dad quickly hugged him, explaining he was just kidding and reassured him that of course Shane’s bond would open.
After that, Shane can admit he became somewhat obsessed with soulbonds. He was, first and foremost, terrified that his dad was right and his soulbond would never open. So he read everything he could about soulbonds. And not the silly cartoon movies. Shane started researching in the library. He read article after article about what types of experiences triggered soul bonds.
Shane’s parents were soulmates. Though they didn’t know it when they got married. It was only after they got pregnant and lost the baby, that the bond opened simultaneously. Sharing the moment that opened a soul bond was considered to be special. To never know a moment of the one-sided bond. Of course, the bond was not fully fused instantaneously. Shane did not fully understand what had to happen to fully fuse a soulbond. His teachers always spoke in flowery language that Shane couldn’t parse through. His parents just said that it was an extra step, that he would understand once he was older. His research used complicated scientific terms that Shane couldn’t even find in the dictionary.
In all of his research, Shane still didn’t know if he could trigger his bond on purpose. Some scientists theorized the bond opened only when a person’s intent was pure. That somehow, you were hurt on purpose, the bond could tell you did not yet need the emotional support the bond provides. Other scientists dismissed this entirely, and hypothesized that it was the mental and emotional pain, no matter the cause, that opened the bond. After reading more articles, most of which required Shane to keep a dictionary next to him to understand all the words, it turns out no one even knew who was right, because the world decided it was “unethical” to run experiments on the creation of soulbonds with purposeful injury. Given the risk that it wouldn’t count, Shane decided he would just have to wait. He didn’t want to risk hurting himself if it wouldn’t even help him find his soulmate.
Shane started keeping lists of likely events he thought might trigger his end of his bond. In his studies, he figured he would most likely open his bond playing hockey. It was a violent game, even in his U11 league. And Shane was good, so he would keep playing, and probably break a lot more bones. Shane’s little grin at the thought of his future injuries fades immediately remembering his dad’s joke. Shane couldn’t be too excited about getting hurt. Shouldn’t be seeking it out. Just in case.
Of course, given the lack of scientific advancement, the understanding of soul bonds had much more literature of the religious and spiritual kind. The idea that the soulbond was God's gift to humanity. The unseen ties between complete strangers being proof of a higher power. Shane didn’t really believe in a god. His mom was an atheist. His dad always argued he was agnostic. How can we really know, Yuna? I’m just hedging my bets. Whatever. Shane didn’t go to church, and he was much more interested in the articles explaining the type of emotional and mental connection soulmates could build. He didn’t need to know why soulbonds existed. He just needed a plan to trigger his own.
Shane read about a pair of soulmates who could push entire thoughts to each other after their bond fully fused. For most soulmates, even a fully fused bond was limited to emotions. Each person could sense the emotions of the other, and push through emotions in response. Sending calm energy before a stressful presentation. Or sending an emotional hug when their soulmate had a bad day. Before a bond was fully fused, the one partner could sense emotions, and send a response back, but the emotions were supposed to be more muted compared to a fully fused bond. And of course, the other person had no sense of the other’s emotions.
Each soul bond was different. Based on the brains, the feelings, the emotions of the soulmates. But who really knew? His teacher had nearly started a riot when she asked the class how they could know if the color blue that she saw was the same color that any of them saw. Shane remembers sitting at his desk flabbergasted. Realizing for maybe the first time that the way he saw things, thought about things, felt things, could be entirely different than anyone else…than everyone else. He couldn’t help but think it explained why he felt so different from his classmates. Why he just didn’t seem to fit in.
So yeah, Shane couldn’t help but be excited about the idea of a person, his person, being able to see him, understand how he was feeling. Shane didn’t really have anyone that understood him. His classmates thought he was weird, and didn’t invite him to play kickball during recess. His teacher had to assign Jason to be his partner when his class built terrariums in science. His and Jason’s terrarium was really good. The rocks were perfectly placed. The plants grew taller than anyone else’s in the whole class. Jason still didn’t want to play with him. Shane still cringes thinking about how quickly Jason averted his eyes and ran to his friends across the room when Ms. Johnson announced the class would pick partners for the astronomy unit.
By the time he was twelve, Shane had had no luck in befriending Jason, or really anyone else in his class. He had some friends on his hockey team. But they didn’t invite Shane for sleepovers, or to birthday parties. Shane really only saw them at practice or during games. And so, Shane was sitting alone in his classroom, pretending he wanted to read his book inside during recess rather than play soccer with the boys in his class, when he felt his heart crack open. Even with his years of obsessive study on soul bond opening, Shane was not prepared for the pain.
It felt like a blackhole ripping through the center of him. He cried out. His book fell to the floor as he doubled over at his desk. If Shane had ever been worried that he wouldn’t realize his soul bond had opened, he was immediately corrected as the feeling swept through him. Shane didn’t know that he had the words to describe the emotions his soulmate was feeling. Shane certainly had emotions, but usually his feelings were straightforward, and Shane was pretty even-tempered. Whatever his soulmate was experiencing was devastating. Shane couldn’t imagine what was happening to the person on the other end of his bond, but as he trembled on the floor of his empty classroom, he realized that it was time. He had been preparing for his soulmate for what felt like his entire life. And maybe it was a lot more intense than he could have imagined, but he was not about to let his soulmate down. Not when he only just got them.
Shoving the screaming pain away as much as he could, Shane tried to send comforting thoughts through the newly opened bond. Shane had no idea if it was helping. He couldn’t have known how confusing a new bond could be, he was getting only flashes, confusing waves of emotion pulsing through the bond and slamming into his head and his heart. Shane took a deep breath. In four, hold four, out four. Just like he practiced with his mom when he was teetering on the edge of a tantrum or preparing for a hockey game. He knew his soulmate was hurting. He needed to focus. Inhale. Exhale. Shane gritted his teeth as the emotions pouring through the bond continued.
Before he knew it, the bell rang and his classmates started filing through the door. Shane only vaguely recognized that he was still crouched on the floor near his desk, trying to breathe as his soulmate’s pain raged on. Shane was disoriented. Jason, it would be Jason, noticed first and started pointing and laughing at Shane. Mr. Cole walked over.
“Shane, are you okay? What’s wrong?”
Shane couldn’t respond. He just shook his head no, and tried to hold himself tighter.
“Don’t know. Just hurts.”
Shane manages to finally pant out. Mr. Cole finally seems to assess that nothing is physically wrong with Shane. He kneels down, and almost whispers.
“Is it your soulmate?”
Shane nods a quick up and down before he groans as a fresh wave of something roils through his body.
“Okay, Shane. Let’s get you to the nurses office.”
Mr. Cole acts quickly, yanking Shane up by his armpits and basically dragging him from the classroom. The nurse, Kelly, has Shane lie down on the hard cot in her office. She passes Shane two small red pills. Bond suppressants. Shane looks at the pills in disgust. He’s been waiting his whole life for his soulmate. He doesn’t want to shut them out. Keep them quiet. Not even temporarily. Shane manages to choke out a sharp no. Kelly shakes her head, but steps away and tells Shane she is going to call his parents.
What feels like hours later, but was probably twenty-seven minutes, Yuna rushes into the room.
“Oh baby. Are you okay? Tell me what’s happening?”
Whatever bad emotion his soulmate is suffering through seems to multiply tenfold as soon as Shane sees his mom. Shane starts sobbing, calling for his mom and reaching out to be pulled into her arms.
“Shane, baby, you have to take the pills.”
Shane starts crying harder. Why didn’t his mom understand? His soulmate needs him. Yuna purses her lips. She knew how stubborn Shane could get. With a slight shake of her head, she concedes.
“Fine. But we’re taking these home, and if this gets any worse, you’re taking them. don’t care what you say.”
Kelly and his mom awkwardly maneuver Shane into his mom’s car. Shane is too focused on breathing deeply, trying not to vomit, and to push any positive or calm emotion through the bond towards his soulmate. Yuna looks over nervously.
“Shane. I’m so sorry, but I really think you should take the pills.”
Shane doesn’t respond. When they get home, he shuffles into the house, leaning heavily on his mom. He falls more than sits on the couch in the living room. He senses his mom staring for a few seconds before she stalks off to the phone in the kitchen. He can hear his mom on the phone with his dad.
“David, I don’t know what to do. I’ve never seen a bond opening this intense. And he’s still so young. I don’t know what could possibly be triggering this. What do we do?”
He vaguely hears his mom hang up, and then she calls his doctor. Shane turns around, burying his head into the pillows on the couch. It’s been over an hour since the bond opened, and the turmoil his soulmate is experiencing doesn’t seem to be lessening. Shane doesn’t want to think about what kind of injury his soulmate experienced to cause this.
Shane is still lying on the couch two hours later when he feels the emotions quiet. They don’t disappear, but it’s as if a thick blanket has been laid on top and Shane feels immediate relief from the onslaught on his soulmate’s pain. Taking a full breath for the first time since the bond opened, Shane calls out to his mom.
Luckily, the pain does not return. His dad gets home, carrying a bag from the pharmacy. Shane eyes it suspiciously, thinking of the bond suppressants the nurse tried to shove down his throat. David walks over, sits down, and pulls Shane close into him.
“Hey buddy, you seem to be feeling better.”
Shane nods and points to the brown bag in David’s hand.
“What’s that?”
David moves to open the bag.
“Well, first of all, I got the biggest bag of gummy bears I could find. And a ginger ale. I also picked up a prescription Doctor Grant called in for you. I know you don’t want bond suppressants, but these are different. These are bond dampeners. They won’t block out any emotions, just make it easier for you to handle. You can still send emotions back the exact same, but the emotions you feel from your soulmate will be filtered – just a little bit.”
Shane’s eyes narrow.
“It really won’t change what I can send to my soulmate?”
David nods, and shakes out two white oval pills.
“I promise.”
Shane hesitantly takes the pills from his dad’s hands, and swallows them down with the ginger ale.
Now that he can think again, Shane starts formulating a new list of questions, and things he has to research. Starting with these so-called bond dampeners. Shane’s only been bonded for a few hours, but he is going to do everything he can so that his soulmate doesn’t ever have to face this pain alone. Shane won’t do anything, won’t take anything that prevents him from being there for his soulmate. Next time he feels his soulmate’s emotions, he will be ready. He will be better.