Chapter Text
Walking along the white walled corridor with his bag slung over his shoulder it’s like Hao hasn’t traveled a meter. Like he is still back home in his old ice rink with Mrs. Wong with her taut hair and kind eyes. But it’s still the same cold. The same crisp witness everywhere. The same sharp light bouncing off the walls and the ceiling. Rather than him packing or saying goodbye to his family and friends or flying here; this was the true test. Testing if he was truly fit for this. What if he immediately failed? Immediately knew in his heart that he wouldn’t fit in. That this was all a big mistake. Make him wish he could undo all those actions like rewinding a video. Jumbled voices echo into the corridor through the doorways. That crisp sound of the sharp blade cutting through the ice. Hao closes his eyes for a moment and just listens. To the sound of home. When Hao’s friends talked about what they would be doing after high school, Hao had been quiet; kept himself in the background like he sometimes did, while his friends continued to talk about law school or medical school or education or engineering. “What about you Hao? What are you going to apply for? Education? Music?”
Hao drops his bag on the changing room bench and starts undressing. To some, it might feel illogical to undress before going out in the cold. To Hao it was second nature. Hao pulls the flowy wide black pants over his legs.
“Figure skating.”
Silence. Looks.
“Oh.”
Hao had always done ice skating. His friends knew that. It was why he was always the first to arrive at school and why it was almost impossible to make plans with him on weekends. But they still seemed surprised.
“Your parents will allow that?”
“Yangfen!”
“What. Mine wouldn’t.”
“Yes.”
His friends were nice. And he enjoyed hanging out with them. But they were like him. Not really like him. Hao starts buttoning his flowy white blouse. His heart-shaped, glimmering earrings. Standing in front of the changing room mirror, Hao rolls his one sleeve up halfway. The boy in his reflection lets the sleeve loose again, but then just stands there. He is a figure skater. Things like this shouldn’t be this hard. Hao sees his friends in his mind again. Of course Xiaoyue would become a lawyer. She always got the last word in every argument and god help you if you ever accused her of being incorrect. It was like you could see the court room in front of you. And Zhaoxi a doctor and Yangfen a teacher. Hao could see them in their white robes walking along corridors with a stethoscope around their neck or a pencil in their hair looking out over a sea of kids sitting in front of them. But he could never see himself like that. Not in a suit. Not in a white robe. Not in an office. Not in a classroom. Staring at his computer screen at that never ending list of futures unrolling in front of his eyes, Hao couldn’t project any of them upon himself. He could see nothing. Hao rolls up his sleeve again. In his other hand he is carrying his creamy white skates. Their blades glimmering in the fluorescent light from the ceiling. He could only see this. Hao nods decisively to himself in the mirror. And then he leaves the dressing room.
Hao hesitates for a moment with one foot on the ice before gently kicking away. There is always something special about making the first stroke on a freshly smoothed ice. Untouched. But also something a bit sad.
“Over here!”
A man waves at Hao from a bit further away along the ice rink, standing in front of a neat row of students. All looking back at him. Hao makes his way over to them across the ice, tugging at his folded up sleeve. What if the others think it's stupid. What if they don’t get it? What if they do get it? Shouldn’t he just pull the sleeve down now and just pretend like nothing. Like it was a mistake. What if he showed himself like this just for him to find out that he is the only one. Like aways. Again. But he couldn’t be. This was figure skating after all. But on the other hand Hao had been alone. At least until now. Maybe. Hao looks at the others one by one. One has platinum blonde slick back hair and is dressed in a black dress shirt with the sleeves folded up to his elbows. The other has a shimmering deep blue top with wide sleeves. And the third one is wearing sparking blue wide legged pants and with a matching top. Like it is covered with rhinestones. The last one is standing a bit further away in an all black outfit. No glitter. No nothing. Were any of them like him? How could he even tell? What did he even mean by like him? With a sharp turn Hao stops, joining the line.
“Welcome today to your first ice skating lesson here at Snovelton all boys wintersport college,” The man in front of them says. His white skates looks almost luminescent against his otherwise black dresspants and button up shirt. His posture is very straight. “I am your trainer Kim Jiwoong and I will be teaching you figure skating during your four years here. Today we will begin with introducing ourselves to one another and I thought what better way to do that than through a figure skating. I told you to really go all in with your programs and express yourself and I hope you really have! First off we have Ricky. Ricky, Show us what you got!”
The boy dressed in all black gives a short nod before turning around and skating over to the red circle in the middle of the ice, fidgeting with one of the cuffs on his sleeves. Ricky stops in the middle of the ice, hand in his pocket looking dramatically to the side showing off his sharp jawline. Then the music starts. A snappy untamed thing that makes Hao’s eyes widen. Then the heavy beat is joined by fast vocals. Rap. Ricky glides majestically almost casually across the ice. Hand in one pocket. Not a single sign of effort across his face. Then suddenly he jumps, like a fish leaping out of the water. Spins and lands. And keeps going with the same cool expression. Then again a jump. Another spin. He glides effortlessly across the ice. Just as fast and bold as the music. Forward. Backwards. Switching effortlessly. The movements of his legs just as sharp and fierce as the beat of the song. And suddenly it becomes the most natural thing to figure skate to rap. Like they had never done anything else. As the beat gets even fiercer Ricky begins spinning posed with his one arm outstretched, bent slightly at the elbows. With the last beat of the song Ricky also stops with his hand in front of his face like he is holding something. Examining it closely. They applaud.
“Great job Ricky! Good job with the steps sequence! Great choreography.”
Ricky gives a small smile looking down at the ice before skating back to them.
“Next up Taerae!”
The song now echoing through the ice hall’s speakers is nothing like the rap of Ricky’s program. Instead it has an orchestral and dramatic tone to it. Theatrical. Taerae works his way across the ice. When doing one of his pirouettes he jumps and spins and… falls.
“That's alright get up!” Jiwoong shouts.
“Fighting!” The boy with the shimmering blue top shouts.
Taerae gets up and continues and finishes his programme well.
“Simon Shevchenko.”
The other boy dressed in all black makes his way to the middle of the ice. When the music starts Hao finds it vaguely familiar. Isn’t it from that movie that was so popular recently? Like the space one. Or the super hero one? And then they think girls are silly for liking romance movies… There are bits of dialogs from the movie in English that Hao doesn’t really catch. Skating, Simon's movements aren't soft and delicate but rather determined and almost mechanical.
“Great job Simon. Great jumps!” Jiwoong says as Simon finishes his program and joins them again by the side of the ice rink. “Next up is Chenkuang Jui.”
“You can call me Rui,” The boy in the shimmering blue shirt says before he skates over to the red circle in the middle of the ice where he sits down kneeling. His shimmering blue top scatters small specs of blue light across the ice. Rui breathes out and closes his eyes. Then the music starts. A jazzy sassy tune.
Baby
Rui rises slowly from his knees.
Where the hell is my husband?
The hand fidgeting with Hao’s folded up sleeve falls to his side again. Husband?
What is taking him so long to find me?
Arms outstretched, Rui glides in a backwards arch across the ice.
Oh, baby
Rui jumps and spins. Landing with a brilliant smile stretching out his leg behind him.
Where the hell is my lover? Getting down with… Another spinning jump. …another?
Tell him if you see him, baby, if you see him, tell him. He should holler.
Rui skates across the ice in long curves drawing S-shapes with his skates in the glistening ice. His legs moving just as quick as the music.
Why is this beautiful man waiting for me to get old?
Why he already testing my patience?
I only fear he taking time with other women that ain't me
While I've been reviewin' applications.
Rui lifts his arms slightly. Wrists bent. Holds his chin high. Eyes closed. The edges of his mouth curved upwards. It’s like one part of Hao’s brain cant really believe what is happening in front of him.
Wait till I get my hands on him, I'ma tell him off too
For how long he kept me waitin', anticipatin'
Prayin' to the Lord to givе him to my lovin' arms
And despite my frustrations.
Rui makes his way back to the middle of the stage again. Then he starts spinning so fast he only becomes a whirl of blue glitter.
Baby, where the hell is my husband?
What is taking him so long to find me?
Then he slowly lifts his one leg up while spinning and loops a finger through the blade and the shoe. Oh, baby, where the hell is my lover?
Getting down with another?
Rui releases his leg and brings it down with a sharp clack, immediately stopping. He points left. Tell him if you see him, baby.
Points right. If you see him, tell him
He should holler.
Rui turns his back towards them, hands on his hip looking over his shoulder at them. Hao blinks a few times, his brain still processing what he just saw. They applaud. Rui skates back to them with a wide smile.
“Good job Rui. Very expressive. Your Biellmann spin was very impressive too.”
“Thank you!” Rui says with a peachy tone.
“And next up is Zhang Hao!”
Hao pushes himself of the rink and makes his way to the red circle in the middle of the ice. He breathes out as he puts his one knee down on the cold ice. Kneeling. One arm crossed over the other in a 90 degree angle. Trying to shake away his thoughts. What if his program was too… you know. But after the previous performance those thoughts have little weight. Then music starts and Hao stands up. Lifting himself up to his feet by his own hand. Hao thinks he can see a twitch from that boy in blue.
You make me feel special.
No words. Only his violin. The slowed pace gives the song a different vibe. More solemn. With a kick on the ice Hao effortlessly sets off across the ice. Like gilding through water.
그런 날이 있어 │There are certain days
갑자기 혼자인 것만 같은 날 │Days when I suddenly feel all alone.
어딜 가도 내 자리가 아닌 것만 같고 │When I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
고갠 떨궈지는 날 │And my head is hanging down low.
Hao propels himself into the air. The world turns into vertical streaks of color. Then thr world becomes steady again as Hao lands and skates on across the ice. Growing up Hao hadn’t felt like anyone in particular.
그럴 때마다 내게 │Whenever those days come.
얼마나 내가 소중한지 │You tell me how precious I am.
말해주는 너의 그 한마디에. │All those words you say.
He was good in school and had alright friends but still. He didn’t see himself as funny. Or social. Not very anything. He wasn’t the type of person who ever left an impression on people. Someone in the background. He wasn't anyone. Before.
Everything's alright.
초라한 nobody │From nobody
에서 다시 somebody │to somebody.
특별한 나로 변해. │I turn into someone special.
The ice. The glitter. The music. The feeling of gliding over the ice like you were flying. Unlike his friends wasn’t a doctor or a lawyer. He was this.
You make me feel special.
Hao propels himself into the air, leaves the ice and spins again, his flowy pants wrapping around to his legs. He lands and starts skating across the ice in wide arches. Backwards and forwards.
세상이 아무리 날 주저앉혀도 (앉혀도) │No matter how the world brings me down.
아프고 아픈 말들이 날 찔러도 │Even when hurtful words stab me.
네가 있어 난 다시 웃어 │I smile again 'cause you're there.
Wherever else he was quiet or dull or but here he was something else.
That's what you do. Again, I feel special.
Hao returns to the middle of the ice and starts spinning.
아무것도 아닌 존재 같다가도 │One moment I feel like I'm nothing at all.
사라져도 모를 사람 같다가도 │Like no one would notice if I were gone.
날 부르는 네 목소리에 │But then when I hear you calling me.
Hao stops spinning. No pose. He just stands there looking at the boys in front of him. That boy in blue is making excited little claps already.
I feel loved, I feel so special.
Hao is sitting at the bench by the ice rink, is bent over his own skates pulling loose taut laces when skate crashes into Hao’s and almost crushing Hao's index finger.
“Wait, you have the girls model too?”
Hao looks up into the smiley face of that boy in blue; Rui. His eyes glittering just as much as his shirt.
“Yes. I like them,” Hao answers.
The only difference Hao could find was that girls’ skates had a more delicate design and that the brand name being written in italic writing rather than just plain.
“Me too. I hate ugly boy’s things,” Rui says starting to untie his skates.
Hao smiles.
Rui turn again to Hao. “I like your sleeve too.”
“Thanks,” Hao says his stomach doing a little flip. He saw. His finger lightly touching his sleeve folded up above the elbow.
“I liked your song too. Feel special is literally so good.”
“Thank you,” Hao says again feeling his cheeks flush a bit.
“But why did you have the instrumental and not the regular song? That would have been so good.”
Hao’s mind stops for a moment. “Well. I thought the instrumental was more… appropriate I guess.” The beginning of Rui’s program suddenly comes into Hao’s mind. Baby. Where the hell is my husband.
“Or not appropriate… I just…” Hao adds quickly.
Great. He is already screwing this up. Just as one of the other figure skaters wanted to talk to him.
“No, I get it. But you should do the regular song next time.”
“Maybe…”
Then Jiwoong walks past their bench and they bow which much look quite strange as they are already practically folded over from untying their skates. Jiwoong smiles at them.
“Good work today,” Jiwoong says. “See you tomorrow!”
“Yes teacher!”
Jiwoong walks away and disappears into the corridor.
“Did you know that he was in a BL?” Rui hisses.
“Who? Jiwoong?”
“Aha.”
“Really? How did you know?”
Rui inclines his head to the side. “Well why do you think I am here?”
“To do figure skating?”
“Girl, what is even figure skating?”
Hao laughs.
Hao rolls his suitcase into the space between the wobbly looking beds. By the window there are two desks side by side. His dorm. Then he just stands there. So this is actually happening. There is still a lump in Hao’s stomach. Hao takes a deep breath. Hao jumps as the door bursts open. Hao snaps around to see Rui rolling in his suitcases. Their eyes meeting, Rui breathes out a breath. “Phew I’m so relieved. I worried I was going to have to share a room with some straight person.”
Hao is frozen on the spot for a second. Then he laughs. Rui quickly covers his mouth with his hand. “Oh sorry! I didn’t mean…”
Hao laughs again and Rui takes another relieved breath. Then Rui stands hands at his hips, looking at the room with a scrutinizing gaze. The mattresses have a gray tint to them and there are random scuff marks here and there. One in the ceiling.
“Don’t worry I got just the thing” Rui says as he lays one of his suitcases flat on the floor beside one of the beds.
Hao slowly puts his suitcase on the floor too.
“Tada!” Rui triumphantly holds a ball of what looks like gold wire with a box attached to it. “Fairlylights!”
Rui jumps onto one of the beds and holds the fairylights up to the wall. “Shoot. I have no tape…”
Rui bites his lip, sitting back on the bed. Tape? Hao fetches his bag and pulls out his pencil case. “I have some tape,” Hao says taking out a roll of washi tape from his pencil case.
“Black and white striped washi tape?” Rui says lifting his one eye brow as he takes the tape from Hao’s hand.
“Yeah… It’s handy sometimes for notes…”
“I got some work to do on you I can tell,” Rui says before using the tape to fasten the fairylights to the wall.
Rui turns the lights on before leaning back and admiring their new decoration. In the otherwise bare room the small pink lights twinkle faintly against the white slightly scratched wall.
“Feels like home don’t you think,” Rui says smiling at Hao, his lips glossy.
Hao smiles faintly back. “Yeah…”
“And finally what is your favourite color?”
The light from the fairylights are more visible now that it is actually dark. Their soft pink light shine down upon Rui in his bed, a pink magazine in his hands. On the cover there are three girls laying on their stomachs behind the magazine with mouths shockingly agape; Quiz your friends to find out about your true love.
“What would you have done if you had gotten a straight person?” Hao says back.
“I don’t know, maybe tie him to a chair and do the quiz?” Rui says from behind the magazine. “And I might do the same thing with you if you don't tell me your favourite colour right now.”
“Pink.”
“Okay so let me just compile your results.” Rui turns the magazine upside down and mumbles for a moment. “Ooh. This is interesting…”
“What does it say?”
Rui clears his throat. “Your true love is a natural leader with a kind heart. He deeply caring and reliable to be there for you when you need him most. With your personalities being both similar and complimentary, together you will form an unbreakable bond of true love that many only dream of.” Suddenly there is a warm fluttering in Hao’s stomach. Hao immediately shakes his head. So silly…“But when meeting your true love you have to be careful not to let your prejudice or insecurities get in the way of your heart. Don’t be too quick to judge. But if you are patient and have trust all of what you dream of may come true! Wow! That sounds amazing, don’t you think?”
Rui looks up at Hao with expectant eyes but Hao’s tongue is suddenly tied. …all of what you dream of may come true. There is that flutter again in Hao’s stomach. That silly flutter that would visit him every now and then. Like every time he saw that cute boy with the locker next to him. Every time Hao would make up in his mind how Hao would drop his books in front of him and he would help him to pick them up. Ask what he did after school. They never talked. Hao isn’t even sure if that boy even noticed that he was there. But despite that the fluttering continues.
Like a butterfly preparing for flight. But never taking off. Kind of silly really. …all of what you dream of may come true. Or… what if it wasn’t?
“Hello?” Hao returns to the present with a start.
Rui looks at him with an eyebrow raised. “Already daydreaming about him are we?”
Hao shakes his head, feeling his ears turn red.
“Have you eyed up anyone in particular?”
“It’s only the first day. ”
Rui shrugs. “That doesn’t mean you can’t have eyed anyone up.”
Hao shakes his head again.
“Well Jiwoong is mine so if it is him you think about it’s too bad because I have already called dips.” Hao slaps Rui on the arm with the magazine. “Ouch!”