Chapter Text
Damian dropped low, sweeping the legs of the holographic opponent before it could even register his movement. He was the Son of the one and only Batman, the Heir to the Demon Head, and genetically tailored for perfection. So why did training feel like it was taking more energy and effort then it usually did, He felt so empty, so out of place and so dissociated from reality and he hated it, It was indescribable but he felt like he was dead, like he was just a walking corpse being forced to live up to the worlds expectations, He just felt so lifeless towards everything, He just wanted to sleep and never wake up but that wasn't an option, He didn't have that luxury despite being rich, It angered him, It always did, the thought of continuing to live this life after he had once left it bought so much anger to him it become his whole personality. But truth be told he was starting to get tired of being angry all that and he was wondering how much longer he could still feel angry till it started to feel numbing.
A sharp blow hit his side and he was quickly brought back to reality, turning his focus back to the training dummy, He sighed, mentally and physically exhausted despite having just started but he'd never admit that. He snapped himself back to focus but every move felt so unwilling like it was just his body moving instead of it being a decision his mind made, His father had always reminded them to think before pursuing anything but he wasn't thinking anymore he was just pursuing, His mind was quiet and loud all together it felt so overwhelming that he tried to focus his ears on anything but the sounds in his mind, but the cave was quiet. it was hard to focus on a sound if there was nothing to focus on
But when finding silence, Silence is what became too overwhelming to comprehend. The silence drives him crazy, He started to feel so out of his mind that he started getting desperate to just feel something, to make a decision that he consciously made for himself instead of it being automatic. So he made the impulsive decision to intentionally override the safety protocols on the training simulator, cranking it up to a dangerous level just to force his mind to feel something, anything. Anger, fear anything but this.
As the simulator got intense, He thought he might finally get that rush of adrenaline he was looking for something that made him feel alive, but as it progressed he didn't feel anything to top it off he was beaten, lost to the simulator easily, grunting as he knocked back. the simulator quickly ended after it detected that he stopped fighting
Damian groaned. angry, angry that he lost to a stupid simulator, He picked up his staff and stormed into his room to wash up for dinner that was in in hour, He stripped himself of his clothes and stepped into the shower, the cold water felt relaxing, the way it made his body jolt ever so slight was enough to make him feel like he was one with reality again, but it quickly ended as his nerves adjusted to the cold sensation, he felt truly hopeless
He stepped put of the shower and he put on some clothes to wear, he picked something comfortable though it barely did anything. he checked the time to see that he had 30 minutes more till dinner, He picked up his sketch book and a pencil to draw with, He started with a practice sketch but seeing how it was turning out like he had wanted he grew frustrated, Drawing was supposed to be relaxing, something he could use his mind on, what to draw and how to colour it but his mind wanted to draw multiple things at once and no matter what he drew it just wasn't right, wasn't what he had wanted, wasn't how it was suppose to turn out like his mind had wanted it, It was so frustrating. he threw the book aside and covered his face in anger, why couldn't he do anything right.
He wanted to cry, wanted to crash out, he wanted to know what was wrong with him. But he couldn't because he already hears Alfred calling out his name and the rest of his siblings down for dinner. When he got down he saw everyone were already on their assigned seats, He was building the courage and emotionally energy to interact with his family. Eventually he went and took his seat next to Todd who was staying for the week, Todd greeted him with a simple "Hey Dames" He replied with a simple grunt before he looked at the food, Alfred had made his favourite but he didn't have the appetite to eat. But he'd rather eat than have his family asking him questions that he himself didn't have the answers to. So he started eating
after they all finished dinner it was right around the time for patrol. today it him and Grayson out for patrol together, So they both suit up and made their way to their usual patrol routes. Hours passed with a stretch. Nightwing was ready to call it a night and head back to the cave but they were stopped by a group of tugs looking for trouble, They didn't want want to talk so it resulted into a fight which ended quickly having that they were fighting tugs with no fighting experience but during the table one of them had managed to cut his arm, it was now bleeding and Grayson was acting like a helicopter mom over a cut that wasn't even that big. but the feeling that the pain sent through his body, it felt amazing, it was as if he was finally reconnecting with the world, his mind was quiet too, his mind his started to focus on the pain rather then thinking of a hundred things at once, the pain.. grounded him better then all the other alternatives he had tried. he let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding but then he was snapped back to reality to Grayson calling out his name
"Robin! are you okay?" Nightwing asked as he was applying pressure to the wound, Damian scowled in response and apparently that was enough for Nightwing. They called it a night and retreated back to the cave to assess to his wound,
After his wound was assessed he went to his room and laid on his bed, the lingering pain of his wound grounded his mind, He had never felt so at peace, he could think without having multiple things in his head at once, He felt so alive, the pain made every nerve in his body work it felt so right, it was what he was desperately craving all this time and he finally got, he felt so at ease now as if his mind was getting a well rested break after running a marathon on fumes. He could finally sleep without his mind interrupting him.
Eventually a week had passed and the wound had healed and Damian was back to feeling the numbness he had hated yet grown used to so much. the week when the cut had hurt were the days he felt like himself, He could draw freely without his mind putting up expectation for himself, He could train without growing tired after a few minutes, it was the most alive he had felt in years. without realising it he had started to crave the feeling with the passing days after his wound had healed. So during patrol he'd occasionally allow himself to be hit by tugs and goons despite his ego of being the best out of his siblings. but the hits only left small bruises that healed within days
Ultimately, he had grown desperate. He had snuck in one of Todd's knife into his room after patrol, locking the door behind him. He considered what he was doing and thinking if it was worth it or not but he was to far from reality to care, so he slid up his sleeve and made the first cut to his wrist that weren't to near his veins, he sighed in relief when he made the first cut, the pain the feeling of being back to earth was so comforting, He felt like himself again instead of a walking corpse. He knew it'd be easy to hide because he wore long sleeves on a daily bases but despite that he promised himself he wouldn't lose himself doing this.
However, Time passed, Months had passed since his first cut, visibly he was the same, but emotionally he couldn't be happier, he was proud of himself that he had never gotten caught within the past months so he was confident that he wouldn't get caught in the near future because he was an assassin!
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"Demon Brat stop throwing a fit. Just admit the lost." Jason twirled his staff around before planting it in the ground
Damian snarled, He knew Todd was better than him in combat. Mother had personally trained him with care and patience while he was stuck with trainers who wouldn't even bat an eye if he was injured or they hit him to hard.
"Again.." He clenched his fist and got up, Grabbing his staff and went back to his previous position
"Sorry Demon Brat but I don't want to spar anymore. I'm actually quite hungry" Jason put his staff back down near the training equipment and stepped out the training grounds
Damian clenched his fist, biting down his lower lip to hold back the anger that flared inside him. He groaned and put back his equipment where Todd had put his. He hated the name Demon Brat.. He wasn't that bad.. was he? He clenched his fist and shook it off
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After dinner, Damian was in the living room with Drake who was drinking his third energy's of the hour. The silence awkward yet comfortable? but the silence was broken when Damian said something
"Drake.. Father has suggested you decrease your caffeine intake as it is unhealthy" Damian snarked as he hid
"Mind your own business Demon Brat, I actually work unlike you.." Drake spat back without hesitation and Damian would be lying to himself if he said that, that didn't hurt
"I'm just looking out for your well being Drake" Damian defended himself quickly
Drake scoffed out a laugh "Like I'd believe that after you've tried to kill me last week? Funny Demon Brat."
"It was an accident!" Damian tried again, It truly was an accident, Damian had been trying out the new batarang that have been made, He wanted throw it at one of the dummies but had not notice Drake walking past it which caused the batarang to barely dodged Drake's neck
"Like I'd believe that." Drake scoffed and got up with his things to go work in his room
Damian clenched his fist, Holding back the urge to cry, Why was it so hard for Drake to believe him? Was he really that bad of a brother that he wasn't worthy of Drake trust? Todd's time? Even Grayson and father was angry at him for nearly killing Drake, Grayson didn't trust that it was an accident either and father called him reckless, They were so quick to believe Drake without letting Damian explain himself
Damian hated it, He hated it so much. He stormed into his room, Slamming the door behind him and Crashing onto his bed to cry. He didn't even realise he had forgotten to lock the door when he pulled out the blade from under his bed
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"Has anyone seen Demon Brat? I wanna bring Titus out for a night run and I need his leash" Said Jason as he grabbed his phone
"In his room, I heard his door slam shut earlier" Stephanie said as she braided Cassandra's hair
"Aight thanks" Jason ran up to Damian's room and knocked on the door "Dami"
Damian heard the door knock and panic surged in as fast as light, His wrist were a bloody mess and he had no time to clean it up
"Dami, Are you in there?" Jason called out again
"What is it Todd!" Damian yelled with his usually snarky tone hoping he could buy enough time to hide the crime scene on his wrist
"I need titus's leash" Jason waited for Damian to open the door for him, He soon realised the door wasn't locked "I'm gonna come in" Jason said as he twisted the door knob and was about to step in
"No-!" Damian yelled out a unexpected yell but it was too late, the door was already wide open and standing there was Todd
"Too lat-" Todd was about to make his teasing snarky tone but soon stopped and paused when he saw the blood that covered his wrist along side the wounds that married it.
"Damian-?"
He had been caught