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The video was fuzzy at first. There were bright green blobs all over the place, then brown closer to the bottom, and what looked like two people.
“Tell me about him,” a feminine voice said. It sounded open, encouraging.
A man sighed. Then, the video focused, and Shane Hollander and Rose Landry came into view. They were sitting on a bench in a park, in what looked like a secluded area. Apparently, not secluded enough.
Shane took a sip of his coffee as he mulled over the request. “He’s… an asshole.”
A shocked laugh burst out from Rose’s chest. “Oh, wow!”
Shane chuckled. “He is! But he’s also… really great,” he said on a sigh.
Rose groaned playfully. “Oh no, the wistful sigh!”
“Shut up, Rose,” Shane huffed, trying to hide his smile.
Rose took a sip of her coffee. “How long had you two been seeing each other? A year, two?”
Shane winced. “Seven.”
Rose’s jaw dropped. “Seven years?”
“But it was always just sex,” Shane rushed to clarify. “Nothing more.”
Rose seemed dubious. “No offense, Shane, but no one has sex with someone for seven years without any feelings involved.”
Shane grimaced. “He does. He’s had… arrangements that lasted longer than ours. I mean, I clearly meant nothing to him. He used to ghost me for months all the time, and only text when we would be in the same city so we could set up a plan to fuck.” He looked down at his coffee cup like it was the most interesting thing in the world. “I think he knew how I felt about him. Last time we were together, he went on about how he likes girls and there are so many girls he fucks on a regular basis. Told me about some of them. At the time I thought it was just him flirting, but after thinking about it more, I think he was warning me off.” He hesitated, then continued, “He travels a lot for work, too. It’s part of why we worked. We both were in the same situation, I guess. But… he has a girl in every city he visits. And he made it very clear I’m just another name on the roster.”
Rose balked. “What a dick!”
Shane shook his head. “No. It’s really not his fault. I caught feelings when I knew I shouldn’t. He was just… reminding me what I already knew.”
Rose scoffed. “Still, that’s not okay. He could've been so much nicer about it, he just chose not to be. I dunno what you could see in a guy like that.”
Shockingly, Shane smiled wistfully. “He just… He gets me. And, yeah, he’s a dick, but he’s also… really sweet. And so attentive. He always seems to know exactly what I need.”
Rose shrugged. “Well, yeah, lots of good tops are like that with their subs during sex. And you probably get so cute when you’re in subspace, any dom would go weak for you.”
Someone behind the camera stifled a laugh. Shane glared at her, but it lacked heat. He continued, “He’s just… the type of person I’ve always needed. He listens to me talk about hockey. And I don’t have to worry about boring him.”
Rose sat back, affronted. “Hey! You don’t bore me with hockey talk.”
Shane gave her a look, nonplussed.
“You don’t,” Rose insisted. “I love listening to autistic people talk about their fixations!”
Shane blinked at her. “I’m not autistic.”
Rose’s mouth dropped into an o shape. “Right.”
“You think I’m autistic?”
Rose hesitated before she gave in. “I mean, maybe? I have a cousin with autism, and some of the things you say or do remind me of her. Like, you told me you hate clubs because loud sounds hurt your skin and the strobe lights can give you a panic attack and, to be honest, that panic attack I saw you have was more like an overstimulation meltdown. And you only buy clothes without tags because the feeling of them on your skin makes you feel sick and you can feel the difference if you cut them out yourself. You stim all the time. And—and I say this with love—social situations are not your strong suit.”
Shane looked about two seconds away from a panic attack. “Fuck.”
“But that doesn’t mean anything,” Rose insisted. “I’m not a professional. I can’t diagnose you. I really didn’t mean anything by it.”
“No, God, don’t you fucking get it?” Shane said, his distress mounting. “I’m the only Asian guy in the league. And, yeah, you’re right, I get upset over the stupidest things—“
“It’s not stupid—“
“And on top of that, I’m gay! As far as I know, I’m the only gay guy in the league. I fucking can’t, Rose, I just can’t! I just want to be fucking normal!”
“Hey, don’t talk about yourself like that. None of those things make you not normal,” Rose said. “Just… different.”
“I don’t want to be different,” Shane shot back. “I mean, fuck, I spent the last six months trying to be straight. It’s the only thing I’ve ever put my mind to that I couldn’t do.”
“And that’s okay,” Rose reminded him gently. “Shane, you don’t have to be straight. Being gay isn’t a terrible thing. It’s just… you. And I love you.”
Shane rubbed his eyes. The camera didn’t catch any tears, but it didn’t need to see them for any viewers to know he was crying.
“God, I hate myself sometimes,” he admitted. “I hate being the minority in everything. I hate being gay. And I can’t even enjoy any of it, because the guy I’m in love with thinks of me as nothing more than a glorified fleshlight.”
Rose cringed. “Okay, no. You need a rebound. And one that’s, like, not a woman. You need to find someone to top you and get him out of your system.”
Shane shook his head. “I fucking tried. After you and I broke up, when I was in Mexico. It was awful. I mean, the sex was good, but I just spent the whole time wishing it was him.” He shrugged. “I don’t feel too bad about it, though, the other guy said some guy’s name when he came, and it wasn’t the name I gave him, so clearly we were both thinking about other people.”
“Gays are impossible,” Rose muttered. She tilted her head. “Come on, tell me something you don’t like about him.”
Shane shook his head. “There’s nothing, Rose. I'm in love with him. I love everything about him. Even when he’s an asshole. He challenges me. He makes me feel… like a person. Like there’s nothing wrong with me. Like… like I can be loved like that.”
Rose moved across the bench and brought Shane into a hug. “Fuck, Shane, don’t you ever think you can’t be.”
Shane shook his head again. “What else am I supposed to think? I’ve been hung up on this guy for the better part of a decade. He’s the only person I’ve ever wanted and he doesn’t care about me at all. Literally what else am I supposed to think?”
“That he’s just a random guy and there are three-point-five billion men in the world. And you are Shane fucking Hollander. You don’t need him. You can do so much better.”
Shane laughed bitterly.
The video ended abruptly.
***
samsonsam holy shit????
hahahahahaley Is this real
juicyybabeyy lmao not only is he a fag but he got hung up on a fucking hookup how pathetic
clearcutboots Damn that’s fucking shit
jameswilson26 Get fags out of the nhl 🤬
shaydenluv4ever WE ARE THIS MUCH CLOSER TO SHAYDEN REAL
iconickitty14 hey fuck you espn for putting this video out
maya_attack He’s a sub this makes sense
stranger._.danger It’s 2017 and we’re still outing celebrities and treating it like a scandal? How embarrassing for us
muppetsocks I’m sorry I’m in tears isn’t rose Landry his ex?? Who wants to bet they had a come to Jesus moment? 😂
hollanovisrealurjustahater I’m trying to be calm about this but???? Holy fuck
jessica.byers can we leave Shane Hollander alone
folklore_lover_1989 did rose say hes a bottom AND a sub im screaming that’s so funny
penguinininin Ummm?????? Wow.
fre.sha.va.ca.do what a fucking joke
shanehollandersleftpinky Imagine being w someone who fucked w your emotions for 7 YEARS???? Shane bb drop his ass
johnlogan1976 Get Hollander out of the MLH we don’t need queers in sports !
disabledgirlypop Why is he acting like being autistic is this terrible thing? He’s talking about it like it’s the worst thing ever. So messed up for autistic fans seeing this.
sarahsmiles_sarahcries I can’t wait for the day we stop fucking caring about random celebrities’ sexuality fucking leave this man alone
hollanov5ever It’s all fun and games til someone gets outed all over social media
adams_other_apple I know everyone is buzzing about Shane Hollander falling for his hook up but what guy has the opportunity to hook up with Shane Hollander for YEARS and fumbles that?????? Bro I would be so much better than that guy Shane I know your worth
rozy.tops.hollzy im actually sick over this who thinks its ok to out someone like this
ajatdollywood i wonder who the guy is 👀
bucketeer Can we leave him alone? Last I checked someone didn’t need to be straight to play hockey and I’m pretty sure that’s what Hollander is famous for doing, so…
queen_roselandry Rose Landry best ex gf ever????? Hello?????
shanehollanderswife if Shane Hollander is gay I will kms
montrealbornandraysed I’m not homophobic but I really don’t think gays should be in sports. Don’t they share locker rooms and shit? Ew he probably gets off looking at them in the showers
xlizzylizzylizzylizzyx im so sorry rose landry that your super hot ex is gay
loverly Ive never been so confused about how to feel about something in my LIFE
crescentmoonsnshxt Are we ignoring Rose clocking that Shane’s autistic????? Is this woman a witch????
mesosoup Only Asian in the League. Only gay in the League. Only autist in the League. Someone save Shane Hollander.
***
Rose hasn’t left Shane’s side since the video was leaked. Shane appreciated her presence, because he was pretty sure he would have jumped out the window to his death if she wasn’t there. But she was there, so he didn’t kill himself. Yet.
Because not only did the world know he was gay, but fucking Ilya Rozanov saw exactly how Shane felt about him. And that? Somehow, that was worse than being outed.
Well, maybe worse. They were battling for first place.
Shane hadn’t allowed himself to cry. He stuffed his emotions down and let Rose be upset on his behalf. Then Hayden and Jackie, coming into his apartment together, Jackie on the verge of tears. Then JJ, who looked beyond out of his depth, and angry, and Shane wasn’t sure if he was angry at Shane or angry for him. Then his parents, coming in a whirlwind of fury and tears. And Shane didn’t know if they, too, were angry about the video being leaked or about what Shane had admitted on it.
Shane didn’t know how any of them felt about his sexuality, so he clung to Rose’s side. She seemed to notice, and so never strayed far from him. She sat beside him on the couch and held his hand.
Shane felt a bit like he was on display. They were all watching his every move like they were waiting for him to snap. When Shane stepped in a puddle of water next to the fridge, all of them tensed where they stood like they were bracing for an explosion. Shane just grit his teeth and pulled his socks off. He felt like he had something to prove. He didn’t go get a new pair, he just pressed his feet to the cold floor and tried not to physically recoil.
No one mentioned what was on the video. No one talked about what he said on it. No one talked about his sexuality, or Rose’s suspicion that he was autistic. No one talked about how he’d admitted he hated himself. No one talked about the fact that he was in love with someone who didn’t care about him at all in return. They just kept saying it was a breach of privacy, and they were upset for him. Shane couldn’t decide if he wanted them to say something about the video’s contents or if it was better if they left the topics untouched.
Shane couldn’t fucking believe the sharp turn his life had taken. Six hours ago he was sitting in a remote park with Rose, where he’d thought they were alone, talking about rebounds and unrequited love. It was barely three hours later that Shane’s phone began to blow up with messages and calls. Everyone he knew was trying to get into contact with him, asking if it was true, wanting more details. His coach benched him. His agent told him not to comment on anything and let her get a handle on things. His teammates sent messages with varying degrees of support and sympathy. Most were wildly homophobic. Even players from other teams messaged him, either by phone or on social media. Scott Hunter had sent a surprisingly thoughtful and supportive message that hit Shane like a hockey puck to the chest.
Ilya, notably, did not say a word.
Shane tried not to think too hard about it. This was probably for the best; Ilya knew now exactly what he meant to Shane, and was probably put off by it. And why wouldn’t he be? They were supposed to be just physical, no strings attached, a bit of fun and nothing more. Then, Shane went and got his feelings involved. Of course Ilya wanted nothing to do with him.
Fuck, he really had to stop thinking of him as Ilya.
“Shane, honey, I really think you should eat something,” Yuna tried for the thousandth time.
Shane just shook his head. “I’m not hungry.”
Rose frowned. She knew he hadn’t eaten since they’d gotten breakfast. They’d been on their way to get lunch when Shane’s world imploded.
“Shane, you haven’t eaten in, like, twelve hours,” Rose said.
Shane startled at her words. He checked his phone, pointedly ignoring his notifications that were still pouring in, silenced. He glanced at the time display. It was almost nine at night.
“Don’t you guys have to be somewhere?” He heard himself ask.
Hayden shook his head. “The kids are with their grandparents. We’re here for you however long you need us.”
JJ nodded. “I have no outside responsibilities.”
“And you’re our son,” Yuna added. “We’re not going anywhere.”
Shane glanced at Rose, who shrugged. “You know I planned on being here tonight, anyway.”
Shane groaned. He dropped his head in his hands. “I don’t want you all to feel like you have to babysit me.”
Rose rested a hand on Shane’s shoulder. “We don’t. We’re here because we love you.”
Love. Shane used to be okay with that word. He used to think little to nothing of it. Then, he realized he liked looking at men a lot more than women. When boys in locker rooms started talking about girls and how hot they were, Shane just nodded along, unable to relate, but already a master at pretending. He hadn’t realized until years later what it meant that he felt this way. He had tried so hard to be straight. He fucking tried. It seemed that, when it came to love, Shane never had any control.
There was a pounding at the door. Everyone jumped.
“Hollander!”
Shane’s body froze. No.
“Is that Ilya Rozanov?” Yuna spat. Her face twisted in fury.
Shane couldn’t do this. He couldn’t fucking do this. He couldn’t face Rozanov after what he’d said in that video. He couldn’t let Rozanov see the truth on his face. He couldn’t let Rozanov break his heart right now when it was already so damaged to begin with.
Rozanov pounded on the door again. “Hollander, I know you’re in there! Let me in!”
Hayden swore under his breath. “I’ll get rid of him.”
Shane didn’t move. He didn’t speak. What was he fucking supposed to say?
“Fucking prick,” JJ muttered. “Taking advantage of a low point just to kick you while you’re down. Connard.”
“How does he even know where you live?” Yuna asked.
Hayden opened the door a crack. “Go away, Rozanov—“
Before he could brace himself, the door swung open and Ilya forced his way inside the apartment, sending Hayden staggering backwards into the apartment, his arms pinwheeling as he regained balance. Shane stared, unable to breathe, as Ilya’s eyes landed on him.
Hayden glared at Ilya’s back as he caught his breath. “Get the fuck out, Rozanov, no one fucking wants you here,” he spat.
Swear jar, Shane wanted to say, but he still couldn’t speak.
Ilya and Shane stared at each other. Ilya’s face was unreadable. Shane didn’t know what to make of his presence. He didn’t know what to make of any of this.
Yuna spoke up, voice hard, “Rozanov, you need to leave.”
Ilya didn’t even acknowledge her. He kept looking at Shane. His voice was gruff as he spoke, “Hollander.”
Shane ducked his head and averted his gaze, embarrassment coursing through his veins and pooling in his gut. He couldn’t fucking do this right now. Fuck, he couldn’t do this ever. He couldn’t face Ilya knowing that the man knew everything about how Shane felt and returned absolutely none of it.
Ilya spoke again. “Shane.”
Shane’s thoughts halted. He looked up again before he could stop himself.
Ilya seemed almost taken aback when Shane looked at him again. Shane wondered what he saw; he knew he felt a pain so deep he thought it’d kill him, or at the very least, he knew it would stay with him for the rest of his miserable life. He’d been steadfastly not crying, but he felt like a wreck anyway. He’d run his hands through his hair hundreds of times in the past few hours. He was outed to the world in a truly humiliating fashion. And now, he was staring at the man he loved, the man who would never love him back. So, yeah, Shane probably looked like a disaster right now.
Fine. He didn’t care anymore. They were done with their arrangement, anyway. And if Shane told himself enough that it didn’t bother him, maybe it finally wouldn’t.
Ilya took careful steps closer to Shane, like he was approaching a spooked animal. Shane just watched, frozen, as Ilya got closer. When Ilya was in front of him, he lowered himself to his knees at Shane’s feet. Shane gasped. Rose stood and backed up to give them space. Neither man noticed.
Ilya reached up, reverent, and stroked the tips of his fingers across Shane’s cheek. Shane gasped. He couldn’t help it; it was a long day, and he’d spent months thinking the closest he’d get to this man again would be shoving each other into the boards and pretending his heart wasn’t in tatters. He turned his face just enough to nuzzle his cheek into Ilya’s palm, bottom lip catching on the knob of his wrist.
Ilya let out a shaky breath. “Moya lyubov,” he whispered. He kept his eyes locked on Shane, like he was terrified Shane might disappear if he so much as blinked. Softly, he said, “You think I do not love you? Shane. I love you so much.”
Shane sucked in a shuddered breath. “Ilya—“
“I love you,” Ilya said again. His fingers curled around Shane’s jaw, achingly familiar in the motion but terrifyingly new in its gentleness. “I love you so much, malysh. I love your freckles and I love your eyes. I love making you smile and laugh. I love the way you fold your clothes when we’re together. I love how curious you are. I love how you get distracted by fucking real estate.”
Shane’s eyes fluttered shut. “You don’t—”
“Shane,” Ilya whispered. “I do.”
The thing was, Shane didn’t even know what he was going to say. He had a feeling Ilya did, though.
“You’re so special to me, solnyshko,” Ilya breathed. “I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
Shane’s throat tightened. He tried to keep his breathing steady, but his chest was starting to ache with each inhale he tried to take. He could feel his face screwing up.
Ilya moved his hand to the back of Shane’s neck and tugged him until his head rested on Ilya’s shoulder.
The tears finally fell.
Shane’s sobs were quiet, defeated, as he curled into himself. He teetered forward and fell off the couch, straddling Ilya’s lap on the floor. His hands fisted the fabric of Ilya’s t-shirt. Ilya wrapped his arms more firmly around Shane and gently began to rock them back and forth. He held him as Shane cried into his shoulder. And for the first time since that video came out, Shane allowed himself to grieve the future he thought he could have. If he pushed himself enough, if he had enough discipline, if he just tried and ignored the implications of everything else, he could have his career. He wouldn’t have to choose between hockey and whatever else he wanted, because none of those things would even matter. But now, everyone knew he was gay, and everyone knew there was something wrong with him, and his career was over, his life was fucking over, and Shane could only cry as it all spun out of his control.
Ilya just held him. He pressed his mouth to the crown of Shane’s head, repeatedly dropping soft kisses and whispering Russian phrases into his hair. He rocked them until Shane’s tired sobs slowed and his tears dried. Realistically, it wasn’t very long, probably only a minute or two, but after it was over, Shane felt every millisecond of it branded onto his skin for the rest of his life.
Ilya swooped in when Shane finally unearthed his face from the crook of Ilya’s neck. He pressed kisses to the drying tear tracks on his cheeks and gently thumbed them away. Then, he pressed a gentle kiss to Shane’s lips. He was quiet as he asked, “Did you eat?”
Shane meekly shook his head.
Ilya frowned. “You must eat, malysh. You are growing boy.”
Shane smiled in spite of himself. “No ‘m not.”
Ilya grinned. “What do you want to eat?”
Shane’s smile dimmed; Ilya’s did too. “I’m not hungry.”
Ilya frowned again. “You have not eaten. Please eat. For me?”
And, fuck, how was Shane supposed to say no to that? “I can try.”
Ilya brightened and rewarded him with another light kiss. “I can make you something. Chicken?”
Shane nodded. He knew he’d eat anything Ilya made for him.
Ilya looked pleased. “I’m not sure I can make enough for everybody, but is okay. I only cook for you.” He tapped Shane on the nose, making him smile again. Ilya moved like he was about to help Shane up, then paused when his hand brushed Shane’s ankle.
“What?” Shane asked.
Ilya’s brows knitted together with genuine concern. “You are not wearing socks?”
Someone snorted nearby. Shane ignored them. “They got wet.”
This just made Ilya confused. “So you get more socks. You do not have more socks?”
“I do,” Shane answered, almost smiling.
Ilya shook his head. “I don’t see you three months and you’re completely different person who doesn’t wear socks.” He helped deposit Shane back on the couch. He gave Shane a kiss on the forehead. “Stay. I get socks.”
Shane watched him go, his chest warm. He sighed and bit his lip to curb a smile. He said, “Okay, Rose.”
She practically jumped back onto the couch beside him. “Oh, my God, he’s perfect!”
Shane shook his head fondly.
“He’s amazing for you! He’s so sweet and he’s obsessed with you! Oh, my God, can I be your bridesmaid?”
Shane balked. “Rose, we’re not even dating, let alone getting married!”
Rose rolled her eyes. “He’s making you chicken!”
“And last time we were together he made tuna melts.”
Rose’s eyes lit up. “Wait, he’s cooked for you before?” She looked thrilled. “Shane. Shane! This man traveled across international borders to comfort you in person. He was in Boston! In the US! And now he’s in your bedroom getting you socks because he knows you so well.” Shane blushed.
“Yeah, how many times has he been here, anyway?” Hayden asked, still skeptical. “He found your room pretty quickly,”
“It’s the only room he’s been in,” Shane retorted, then his eyes widened and jaw dropped at the realization of what he’d just said. Rose choked on a laugh she tried desperately to stifle.
It was then that Ilya emerged from Shane’s bedroom proudly holding up a rolled pair of socks. Seemingly without thinking, he kneeled in front of Shane again. He unrolled the socks and reached first for Shane’s left foot, almost like he knew Shane always started on his left for everything he did.
“I can do that,” Shane protested.
Ilya sent him an unimpressed look. “Shut up, Shane.” He picked up Shane’s foot.
Shane watched as Ilya gently pulled the socks onto his feet, then pressed a kiss to each calf before he gave Shane a smile. He stood and pressed a kiss to Shane’s head. “I go start dinner now. You have pasta?”
“Maybe?” Shane answered, his brain still stuck on what just happened.
Ilya muttered something about how Shane should know the contents of his own kitchen, then left with one last stroke to Shane’s cheek.
Shane didn’t even have to look at Rose to know she was about to burst. “Rose. No.”
Rose squeezed Shane’s hand tight enough to hurt. “Shane,” she whispered enthusiastically. “I love this for you!”
Shane looked over at Ilya puttering around in Shane’s kitchen, rooting around in the pantry, presumably hunting for a package of pasta. “Aha!” Ilya emerged from the pantry, proudly holding up a box of spaghetti. He looked absolutely thrilled. Shane ducked his head to hide what was probably a ridiculous lovesick smile.
To Rose, he admitted softly, “I love it for me too.”
Ilya served dinner twenty minutes later. He’d made them a simple meal of pasta with chicken and vegetables, seasoned and doused in olive oil. Usually, Shane wouldn’t have touched pasta during the season, but Ilya had put it in front of him, and he figured his career was over anyway, so it didn’t matter what he ate anymore.
“This is wonderful, Rozanov, thank you,” Yuna said as everyone tucked in.
“Ilya,” he replied.
Yuna nodded. “Ilya. Thank you.”
Rose made a soft sound beside Shane. Shane shook his head to himself and pointedly ignored her as he twirled noodles around with his fork. Everyone at the table seemed to exhale when Shane took his first bite.
“So,” Yuna said eventually, “what do we do next?”
Shane shrugged. “I’ve already been benched.”
Hayden’s fork dropped to his plate. “What?”
Shane nodded. He took a sip of water. Yuna had stood firm that he should have water before he had ginger ale, something about making sure he hydrated and not having carbonated drinks too close to bed. Shane had argued until Ilya joined his mother’s argument, after which he just gave up and accepted he wouldn’t have his comfort drink today.
“Coach emailed me. Said something about me ‘not representing the team’s values.’ I dunno. I didn’t read it too closely.”
Yuna’s lips twisted. “Well, that’s an easy fix. That’s a clear case for a discrimination lawsuit. We just have to remind them of that.”
Shane cringed. “No, absolutely not. We’re not suing my team.”
“Of course not,” Yuna agreed easily. “They won’t let it come to that.”
“Do you think you’ll be able to play All Stars?” Hayden asked.
Shane paused. He really didn’t know the answer to that. Part of him wondered if he’d even still be invited after this or if the organizer would withdraw his invitation. But Shane could admit the league cared about optics enough to prioritize saving face over excommunicating any gay players.
Ilya took a sip of his water. “This is not important now. For now, we look at good things. Your friends and family are here. I am here. Rose Landry is here.”
Shane pursed his lips to curb a smile. “She’s my friend, yes.”
Ilya grunted. “The internet is very supportive. I saw most people say it was wrong to put out video. Most people have nothing bad to say about you.”
“It’s true,” Yuna said, still sounding reluctant to agree with anything that came out of Ilya Rozanov’s mouth. “Most people have been very supportive of you, Shane. The league will understand that it’s a bad look if they retaliate against you in any way.”
Shane took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I just… I don’t want to be the gay guy.”
It was the first time they’d acknowledged what was on the video, what Shane was. He chanced a glance around the table, bracing himself for… he didn’t know what. Anger or disgust, maybe. Disappointment. Sadness. Instead, all he saw was understanding and pity.
“You’re not,” Ilya was the first to say. “You are second best player in league.”
“I’m the best.”
“Second best,” Ilya said dismissively. More intentionally, he continued, “You are hockey player first. Is not like it changes you. You have always been gay. Now people know. Does not change that you’re the reason Montreal has two cups.”
Shane shook his head. “You don’t get it. You weren’t outed as a pathetic gay sub who fell for his fucking hook up to the whole world.”
Ilya gave him a long look. He opened and closed his mouth a few times before he seemed to accept defeat. Instead, he said, “Eat.”
Shane rolled his eyes and picked up his fork. Beside him, Rose made a sound like she was trying not to laugh. Shane pointedly ignored her. They’d discussed his preferences in more detail, and she’d helped him come to the conclusion that he was quite submissive in bed. He couldn’t imagine what was going through her head at the knowledge that Shane ate when Ilya told him to.
Ilya cleared his throat. “You know, we have all done it.”
Shane furrowed his brows. “Done what?”
Ilya took a sip of his drink, trying to seem at ease, casual, but Shane knew to look for the slight tension in his eyes, the faint tremor in his hands, the little bunch to his shoulders. He was nervous. Still, Ilya shrugged, almost nonchalant, and said, “Fallen in love with person we are supposed to be casual with. Not just you.”
Shane bit his lip to curb a smile, head ducked low to hide it. “Clearly,” he said, voice betraying how the words softened him.
Ilya smiled, pleased with himself. He stood, taking his plate with him. “Is anyone else done?”
He cleared away a few more plates that were offered up. Shane felt his heartbeat start to pick up pace. “I’ll clean those.”
Ilya rolled his eyes. “No, I do them.”
Shane shook his head, embarrassed, but insistent as he said, “You won’t do them right—”
“I know, I know, wash once with soap then put in dishwasher so it can clean already clean dishes.”
Shane stared at Ilya, mouth agape. “How do you know that?”
Ilya shrugged, casual. “Was in the video you made about your cottage.”
“The…” Shane’s brows furrowed. “Are you talking about the b-roll we filmed?”
Ilya nodded. “Da. That.”
Shane raised his brows, dubious. “You watched that?”
Ilya shrugged again. “Sure. Was very good. Best nap of my life.”
Shane rolled his eyes, easing back into the banter with which he was familiar and not Ilya Rozanov saying he watched that incredibly dumb short film about his new house. “You’re an asshole,” he threw out for good measure.
Ilya grinned and carried the plates into the kitchen.
In a soft voice, Rose said, “So like… how much would he have had to pay attention to notice that?”
Shane shook his head slowly. “I forgot it was even in there.”
Yuna cleared her throat. “Well… this has been an eventful evening.” She sighed. “So. Seven years, huh?”
Shane ducked his head, his cheeks flushing with warmth. “Yeah. Since rookie season.”
Yuna nodded slowly, digesting this information. “I see. And you love him.”
She said it like a fact, a statement, rather than a question. Shane still answered, “I do.”
Hayden shook his head. He fiddled with his entirely uneaten plate of pasta. “I think this is gonna take some time to get used to.”
Shane furrowed his brows at his plate. “You weren’t hungry? You’re always hungry.”
Hayden shot a wary look to the kitchen and lowered his voice. “What if he, like, poisoned it, or something?”
Rose raised an unimpressed brow. “The same food he ate?”
“Maybe he has the antidote or something!”
Rose rolled her eyes. “Doesn’t that seem a little unlikely?”
“You don’t know Rozanov,” Hayden hissed.
“Neither do you,” Shane reminded him. “I mean, you know Rozanov, yes, but not… Ilya.”
Hayden’s face twisted in disgust. Shane’s chest panged uncomfortably at the sight. Hayden spat, “What, so he’s ‘Ilya’ now? I mean, this is the same guy you’ve hated for almost a decade!”
“No, Hayden, this is the guy you’ve hated for almost a decade. I never hated him. I…” Shane shrugged a shoulder helplessly. “I love him.”
“How?” Hayden shot back. “I mean, he’s fucking Ilya Rozanov. This is the same guy who constantly chirps people and laughs when he makes other guys bleed. He’s constantly getting into fights. And, God, Shane, he’s fucked his way through half the continent. ‘A woman in every city?’ Ring a fucking bell?”
“Hayden, shut up,” Jackie hissed.
“I’m with Hayden,” JJ said, speaking up for the first time in a while. “We can’t trust this guy. He’s a dick. He’s bad for you.”
Hayden flailed a hand in JJ’s direction. “Thank you!”
JJ gestured widely at nothing in particular. “This is bad, mon capitaine.”
“And what about everything you said to Rose?” Hayden continued. “He said you were just another girl on a roster.”
“You said it yourself, he does not care about you at all. He ghosts you unless he wants to fuck!” J.J. added.
“He told you about the girls he fucks!” Hayden said.
Shane glared at Hayden. “That’s enough, Pike. You too, Boizeau.”
Hayden sat back, his eyes wide with shock. “Are you serious? You seriously are ignoring every bright red flag he’s waving? For him?”
“There are no flags, Hayd.”
Hayden threw his hands up in frustration. “God, Shane! I’m worried about you, man! What happens when he gets bored? A guy like that doesn’t just slow down and fall in love. He’s gonna fuck you over, man.”
“Shut the fuck up, Hayden,” Jackie hissed, but he once again ignored her warning, just turned his glare on his wife.
“What, you wanna just sit back and watch as fucking womanizer-asshole Ilya Rozanov breaks our best friend’s heart?”
“I’m not going to.”
Everyone turned around and saw Ilya. He looked… furious. His eyes were dark with rage, jaw set, shoulders tense like he was gearing up for a fight. He looked terrifying. He looked hot as fuck.
Rather than back down, Hayden stood and approached Ilya, squaring his shoulders. “You know, you say that now. And, sure, maybe the sneaking around was fun, but Shane said it himself, it was just hook ups. Have you ever been in an actual fucking relationship? Because it takes effort. Effort I don’t think you know how to give.”
Shane shot to his feet. He put himself between the two men and physically shoved them apart. Ilya went easy, but Hayden stubbornly stayed put where he was.
Shane glared at him. “You two need to cut it out. We’re not on the ice and this isn’t a fucking game. It’s my goddamn life. So if you can’t get over yourself then you need to get the fuck out of my apartment.” He looked at both men. They both at least had the decency to look contrite. “Understood?”
Ilya nodded. “Sorry.”
Hayden still looked suspicious, but he sighed. “Fine. Yeah. I’m just… worried for you.”
Shane softened. “I know. But you don’t have to be.”
Hayden looked skeptical, but could at least understand this wasn’t the time to delve back into it.
Ilya, however, did not seem to get the memo. He looked straight at Hayden, expression grave. “You do not know me well. But I have waited my whole life for someone like Shane. I love him with my whole heart. And I will not give him up easily.”
Rose squeaked. Shane was nearly bowled over by the raw honesty in Ilya’s expression, the emotion and truth in his words. Hayden’s gaze flickered back and forth between the two of them before he released a heavy groan.
“Are you fucking kidding me? Are we gonna have to start liking him now?”
Shane ducked his head to hide the smile he couldn’t quite stifle. “I’ve always liked him.”
“Clearly,” Hayden huffed, but when he glanced at Shane again, he gave him a little smile, and Shane could breathe a little bit easier.
Ilya cleared his throat. “Shane, can we talk in private, please?”
Shane nodded despite how his chest tightened. “Yeah.” He led Ilya to his bedroom and tried to stop his hands from shaking as he closed the door behind them.
The second the door was shut, Ilya was on him, connecting their lips in a fierce, passionate kiss. Shane groaned softly, fully aware of everyone on the other side of the wall. But once Ilya did that thing with his tongue, everything else fell away and it was just him and Ilya. Shane tangled his fingers in Ilya’s curls and pulled him closer. He let Ilya back him up against the door with a thump. Shane groaned again. He let his hands run everywhere, all over Ilya’s body, places he thought he’d never get to touch again.
“Fuck,” Ilya hissed, breathless. “I missed you.”
Shane was almost embarrassed by the words before he remembered he wasn’t the one who said them. He pulled back so he could look Ilya in the eye. “Did you really?”
Ilya rolled his eyes. “Is fine, Hollander.”
Shane gave him a bashful smile, unable to maintain eye contact as he admitted, “I missed you, too.”
Ilya smiled. Then, his face changed to something more serious. “We should talk.”
Shane nodded reluctantly. “Yeah. Yeah, let’s, uh… let’s talk.”
Ilya sat on the edge of the bed and looked up at Shane expectantly. Shane nervously made his way to sit beside him, leaving a bit of distance between them. Ilya eyed it like a chasm he was poised over, like one wrong move would send him falling into an abyss.
“I’m sorry,” Ilya started. “For… what I said that day. I was not thinking about what it would mean to you.”
Shane nodded. “That’s okay.”
Ilya gave him a nonplussed look. “Don’t. I hurt you. I did not mean to.”
Shane pressed his knuckle to his eyelid, his shoulders tense. “It’s fine, Ilya.”
“Shane.” The hard tone of his voice gave Shane pause. He looked up, freezing at the sight of Ilya’s teary eyes. “I hurt you. And I’m sorry.”
Shane nearly choked on his own tongue. He didn’t think he would ever see Ilya so… open. Genuine. Guilty.
Shane offered Ilya a smile that he hoped was reassuring. “It’s okay. It was just a misunderstanding.”
Ilya didn’t seem as comforted as Shane wanted him to be. Shane leaned forward and planted a chaste kiss on Ilya’s lips. Ilya smiled softly.
“I want…” He paused, considering his words. “I want to come out. But I can’t yet.”
Shane stared at Ilya, struck dumb by his words. “You want to what?”
“I want to come out,” Ilya repeated. “I love you. I want to be with you. But Russia…” Ilya pinched his lips together as he sorted through his words. “Russia has laws against it. And I still have Russian passport, so I am still Russian citizen. And my father is very sick. Dementia. I need to be able to go home. But after… I don’t want to belong to Russia anymore. I want to belong to you.”
Shane sucked in a breath. “Ilya…”
“I want to be with you,” Ilya admitted. “This is what I was trying to say last time, but I didn’t know how. I want to be together. I want to…” Ilya shook his head. “I want to be boyfriends or whatever. I want everyone in the world to know. And I want different passport. Different citizenship.”
“But if we come out, you won’t be able to go back to Russia,” Shane said slowly, more for himself than for Ilya.
Ilya shrugged. “After Father dies, there will be nothing left for me there. I will not ever need to go back.”
“But not yet, right?” Shane asked. He couldn't fathom Ilya just… giving up his home country. He took solace in that Ilya would have time to think over it and change his mind.
“Not yet,” Ilya replied. “But for now… maybe you tell people you and mystery man worked it out and you are together? That way you are not outed as pathetic gay sub. Just gay sub.”
Shane glared at him. “Fuck you.”
He launched to his feet and made to leave the room. Ilya trailed after him, a pleased little smirk on his face.
“You’re happy about it,” Ilya accused.
Shane rolled his eyes as he wrenched open the door. “I’m fucking not, you asshole.”
Ilya’s grin only grew wider. God, Shane loved him so fucking much.
They rejoined everyone back in the living room. Rose looked at Shane with faux concern. “Everything okay in there? We heard thumping.”
Shane blushed. Ilya grinned.
Yuna cleared her throat. “Alright. I think that’s enough for today. Do you boys want to put anything out or should we wait for a later time?”
Shane hesitated. He didn’t actually know what he wanted. Everything had spun so far out of his control in the past twelve hours, he didn’t know where to even start to get it back.
Ilya rested a hand on the small of Shane’s back, rubbing his thumb in soothing strokes into the fabric of his t-shirt.
“I don’t know,” Shane said honestly. “I don't know what to do now.”
Yuna nodded like she expected as much. “Let’s just put a pin in it for now, okay? There’s nothing that can’t wait until tomorrow. And remember, Shane, if you really don’t want to, you don’t have to say anything, okay? It’s up to you.”
Shane forced himself to nod. In a small voice, he mumbled, “Are you mad? That I’m gay?”
Yuna gasped. Her eyes filled with tears too fast for Shane to process. “Oh, Shane.”
Ilya moved away as Yuna came to sit at Shane’s side. She pulled him into a hug, her arms tight, her warmth reassuring as it had been since he was young.
“Oh, Shane. Never,” she told him. “I could never be upset about who you are. I don’t care if everything on that video is true. You’re my son, and I love you so much.”
Shane sank into his mother’s embrace, tears slipping down his cheeks again.
“I’m sorry I ever made you feel like this,” she breathed.
“I forgive you. You forgive me?”
“Shane.” Yuna leaned back. She gave him a smile, eyes bright with tears. She thumbed away his tears. “Shane, there’s nothing to forgive. Absolutely nothing.”
Shane sniffled and nodded. Yuna drew him back into her arms, rocking them back and forth the way she’d always done when Shane was upset. Shane let himself be comforted by his mother, ignoring everyone around them, and just surrounded himself with the comfort she’d always offered him.
Eventually, she let go and dried his cheeks with a smile. She pressed a kiss to his forehead, then sighed as she gave him another smile.
“Alright, honey. We’re gonna go, okay? We’ll come back tomorrow and come up with a game plan then. For now, just don’t think about it and have a good night with your boy, okay?”
Shane blushed. “I’ll try.”
Yuna smiled. She stood. Shane followed her and his dad to the door, where David pulled Shane into a strong hug.
“I love you,” David told him softly. “I’m so proud of you. Nothing will ever change that. I’m so proud to be your dad.”
Shane allowed the words to sooth him like a balm. Eventually, David let him go. Yuna kissed Shane goodbye, and they left with promises to come back tomorrow.
Shane turned and watched Hayden and Jackie climb to their feet.
“We should head out, too,” Jackie said. “We love you so much, Shane.”
Hayden nodded. “Even if you have very questionable taste in men. Ow!” He exclaimed when Jackie elbowed him in the ribs.
Jackie pulled Shane into a tight hug, followed by JJ clapping him on the shoulder and offering his own goodbye. It was then that Rose appeared with her bag. Shane furrowed his brows.
“You’re not staying?”
Rose shook her head firmly. “I love you, but I do not want to be a third wheel for your reunion sex.”
Shane blushed. “That wouldn’t—”
“Shane, stop,” Rose said kindly. “You deserve to be happy. I just don’t want to be hearing it.”
Hayden paused. “Wait. No one’s staying? How do we know Rozanov isn’t gonna murder Shane?”
Shane, Rose, and Jackie all turned menacing glares on Hayden. He put his hands up in surrender.
Eventually, the last four cleared out, each leaving with a tight hug for Shane. Jackie and Rose even hugged Ilya, Jackie whispering a soft, “Take care of our boy.” Ilya took this seriously.
And then, they were alone.
Ilya held a hand out to Shane with a soft smile. “Come, moya lyubov. I want to hold you.”
Shane took his hand and let Ilya lead him back to his bedroom. Shane stalled before they got to the bed. Ilya turned, face open and waiting for whatever Shane was going to say.
“Ilya, I know this is… a lot,” he started carefully. “And I am sorry for running away that day. I didn’t realize I was hurting you, too.”
Ilya shook his head. “Is my fault—”
“Ilya, no,” Shane interrupted. “Just…” He squeezed his eyes shut to gather the courage to say, “Earlier, you said… you wanted to be boyfriends. Is that… something you want? Really?”
Ilya’s body tensed just slightly. And yet, he nodded. “I do.”
Shane breathed a sigh of relief. “Good. That’s… good.”
“I’m glad this is good,” Ilya told him. “Now can we cuddle?”
Shane snorted a laugh. “Yeah. Now we can cuddle.”
***
shanehollanderhockeyplayer
Yesterday a video was leaked of a conversation between myself and my close friend. This conversation contained personal information about myself that I never planned to share with the world, but it’s out there now. I am angry that it happened this way and that my privacy was violated, but I will not be ashamed of who I am.
Yes, that video was real. I am gay. This has been a point of difficulty for me for as long as I can remember. Growing up in team sports is not easy for a gay man. Going pro is even more of a challenge.
Being a closeted gay man in the locker room is a terrifying experience. You hear slurs thrown around like the word ‘the,’ and you know they’re talking about you, even if they have no idea. You know the men you have come to think of as brothers will turn on you the instant they learn you’re not straight. You wonder if you’ll lose everything if you try to live authentically and be who you are.
I never intended to come out. But if this is the route I must take, then I will. I want to make this path easier for queer athletes in the future. I don’t want queer men to struggle like I have, and I don’t want them to feel like they have to choose between embracing their sexuality or playing the sport they love. It took me too long to realize I don’t have to choose. I can have both.
And speaking of having both, my now boyfriend is very insistent that he clears the air for everyone and we state that this was just a misunderstanding between us. We love each other. He’s just an idiot.
I also want to take this moment to say that I’m sorry about my reaction to Rose suggesting I am autistic. I have nothing against people with autism, it was just a shock to have someone say this in such simple terms. After more consideration, I do plan to get tested. I think it’s time I stop repressing everything that makes me different and start embracing it.
That being said, I do plan to be at the next game. I plan to continue playing hockey until someone drags me off the ice.
Thank you everyone for your continued support, and a special thank you to everyone who prioritized my privacy after the leak. It’s not easy having been outed like this, but seeing support from so many people has made a difference.
See you at the next game.
-SH
crescentmoonsnshxt This man is so classy omg
livenchillen 🚨🚨NEW QUEER ICON ALERT 🚨🚨
jessica.byers im sorry you felt like you even had to make this statement. im sorry this happened to you shane 💔
siren.songs dude i was offline for one day wtf happened
rose.landry✅ I love you so much Shane you deserve the actual WORLD!!
folklore_lover_1989 so the stuff about you being a sub is true?? 😂😂😭😭😭😭
iconickitty14 still fuck espn for outing a player. you didn’t deserve that Shane. im glad youre rolling with it, but that doesn’t mean it should have happened.
bucketeer I’m glad it all worked out and I know we look forward to seeing you play in the next game! Go Metros!
haydenpike35✅ Love you man! He better treat you right
beakersqueaker And if anyone has anything to say about this I’ll kick your ass. Hollander doesn’t *need* defending but he deserves it and I’m stepping tf up
jameswilson26 You should be ashamed ! Fags do not belong in sports ! Get out of the MLH !
hahahahahaley OKK I SEE YOU GET YOUR MAN 👏👏👏
juicyybabeyy im still laughing cuz wdym ur ignoring everything about you being a sub????
iwantattention good for you shane!
hahahaha69 and maybe we can learn not to out celebrities 🤨
jeanjacquesboi✅ Mon Capitaine! Happy for you. Always standing behind you, brother!
kittycatonfireee It’s unfortunate you even had to say this. You don’t owe us anything. We support you Shane!
hollanovhasbeenreal but like 👀👀 who’s the bf 👀👀👀
disabledgirlypop This is not enough. You offended people with autism and you think this half-assed apology is enough? Pathetic. They deserve better than this. And using a slur notoriously used against people with intellectual disabilities like id*ot? You should be ashamed of yourself.
zaneboodmanhockey✅ You will always have my support shane!
ajatdollywood damn was hoping i could have a chance 😩
johnlogan1976 Disappointing . U should not b aloud to play !
adams_other_apple Good luck, Hollander! Real fans will always support you.
nycartervaughn✅ Amazing statement, man. Always a pleasure to play against you. Nothing will change that.
mesosoup I hate to say it but I’m still scared for him. No response from anyone in the metros franchise. What’s going on behind the scenes and are they willing to support their best player?
rozy.tops.hollzy we love you shane 🫶
rainonfireeee yes king
shanehollanderswife shane if you give me a chance i can make you forget men exist just give me one night and your supposed bf will mean nothing to you i promise you just haven’t met the right woman yet (the right woman is me) just give me one chance
xlizzylizzylizzylizzyx were glad youre gonna play, we need you!!
muppetsocks I’m glad you’re okay Shane!
goaliewyatthayes✅ Nothing will ever change your hockey skills. I’m glad to hear you’re happy off the ice too! Maybe that’ll make you go a bit easier on us 😉
shanehollandersleftpinky We definitely chose the right person to make famous 🥰
caringisfunnn as someone who also got diagnosed with autism later in life, i can tell you it’s hard, but so rewarding to finally know!! that news can be such a game changer. you deserve to know yourself better and how to best support yourself. good luck Shane!!
penguinininin I’m sorry this happened to you but this is an amazing response and you will always be my #24
jackiepike35 We will ALWAYS love our shane. Dinner soon please ❤️❤️ got more ginger ale just for you!
fre.sha.va.ca.do idk how this man will ever show his face in public again
noeyeddeer Seriously tho who is the guy???
mamayunahollander I love you Shane! So proud to be your mom ❤️
montrealbornandraysed Is the rest of the team okay with this? I can’t imagine they are. This is a team sport and it needs a team decision.
stranger._.danger Ok but real talk have you ever done bondage
admiralscotthunter✅ I’m happy for you, Shane. You’re a great friend and a great man. Next time we play each other drinks are on me
hollanovisrealurjustahater It’s great to hear you have a boyfriend and you two worked it out and I am not picturing anyone specific at all
clearcutboots My son came out as gay just a few weeks ago. You have been his idol for years. You give him so much hope. You already are a role model for Asian kids who want to play pro sports, and now there are little queer boys who will see the best player in the MLH is gay and know they can go pro too someday. Thank you for giving that to my boy and so many others.
ilyarozanov81✅ Congratulations. Will still be fun to beat you 😉
loverly an amazing statement, especially considering how difficult this situation must have been
maya_attack You deserve to be happy Shane ❤️❤️
sarahsmiles_sarahcries Never ever feel ashamed for living your authentic self. It’s the person you are supposed to be, and it’s the person people will love most. And I promise you, we do love you for you. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜