Chapter Text
Robby walks in the front door behind his husband. Their four year old daughter is asleep in his arms, sweet head pillowed against his shoulder.
Robby and Jack are arguing. Again.
“What the hell, man? I’m so tired of doing this.”
The sweet head that Robby had assumed was asleep pops up and looks over at Jack. “Papa said a F word.”
All bad words are an F word, no matter their beginning letter.
“I know, beautiful.”
“Put him in a time out!” She demands.
“Oh, I’m sure just knowing his sweet baby girl heard that ugly word is punishment enough.”
She looks skeptical, but accepts the answer she’s given.
Robby and Jack have been married for six years.
Sylvie Louise Robinavitch, often interchangeably called Syl or Lou, came along two years later. She is their only child, a great mix between Robby and their surrogate. She has Robby’s straight, dark brown hair, but her eyes are a beautiful hazel green color that often makes people wonder if she’s actually Jack’s. She has Robby’s smile, but the surrogate’s nose.
The combination of features kind of make it look like Robby and Jack actually had a child together. Jack gets a kick out of people saying she looks like him.
Robby puts Sylvie down and tells her to go play.
Jack turns to Robby once Sylvie has left the room and says “I’m tired of fighting with you, Robby.” And he looks tired. There are dark bruise-like spots under his weary eyes. Days old stubble makes him look unkempt and worn.
How had they gotten here? How had their love and friendship grown so drastically apart that this was their life now?
They don’t have conversations anymore. They argue. They bicker. They get pissy with one another and throw their hands up in frustration.
They do their best to hide it from their daughter, but he’s sure she picks up on the tension.
“Then stop fighting with me! Jesus. Can we not just go one day without arguing?”
Jack stares at him in exhaustion before shaking his head. “I have to go get ready for work.”
Robby tilts his head back and sighs.
As he makes his way to the refrigerator to see what he can feed Sylvie, he hears her wander into the bedroom with Jack as he changes.
“Dada?” Robby hears. She’s getting a bit old to still call him Dada but they’d never in a million years correct her. It’s too precious.
“Yeah, Lou?”
“Why you always have to work night nights?”
Jack is quiet for a moment before he says “That’s just my schedule, baby girl.”
It’s a fucking cop out answer. Robby has been trying for a couple of years now to get him to switch back to days with him so they could all be on the same schedule.
He’s gotten to the point where he’s given up asking. They just get into the same arguments every time and never get anywhere with it. The last time he’d tried, he’d blown up and yelled “Why the fuck won’t you just move to days, Jack?” And Jack had blown up right back at him. “I like working nights, Robby. Jesus fucking Christ!”
They’d stormed off in separate directions and hadn’t talked for a full day. Maybe even two. And Robby stopped bringing it up.
But it’s still a sore spot.
Their opposite schedules make it hard to do anything together as a family. They almost never see each other. Robby hates it.
Jack walks in with Syl on his back, piggyback ride from the bedroom.
“Dada said maybe tomorrow night he can put me to bed!”
He won’t. And Robby hates him for putting it in her head because now he’ll have to be the one to comfort her.
“You’re an asshole,” Robby whispers after Jack drops Sylvie in a dining room chair.
“What?” He looks genuinely taken aback.
“You promise her shit like that and then you let her down every fucking time.”
Jack’s eyes go cold. “We can’t all be perfect like you, Michael.” It’s said with a sneer. “I said I’ll put her to bed tomorrow night, I’ll do it. I’m due a night off anyway.”
He wipes the look of disgust off of his face before facing their daughter again. “Okay, little lady, Dada is off to work. Give me big hugs and kisses.”
They go through a whole thing. Kisses and hugs and tickles and giggles. Robby watches with a sadness in his heart.
Jack starts to walk away when Sylvie giggles “Dada! You forgot!”
Jack turns back and smiles. “What did I forget?”
“You forgot to give Papa hugs and kisses! Silly Dada!”
Robby stands there against the counter as Jack makes his way over.
They wrap their arms around each other in a familiar hug. The kiss is a quick peck on the side of the mouth.
They murmur “love you” but at this point Robby feels like it’s out of habit more than actual feeling. Or the expectation that they should say it. They are married, after all. It’s what you do when you’re married.
Jack leaves and Robby looks over at his daughter.
“Mickey Mouse pancakes for dinner?”
She squeals, ear shattering. “Yes! No, wait! No! Minnie Mouse, Papa. She needs a bow.” She says it with all the love and adoration that only a four year old girl can manage to convey in a word, hands clasped together.
“You drive a hard bargain, Syl. Minnie Mouse with a bow it is. Can you help me mix the batter?”
“Of course!”
Robby laughs. “Of course,” he mimics, lovingly.
They pull a chair over and get to work, pouring and mixing. Robby uses a squeeze bottle to shape the pancakes, bow and all.
Sylvie’s hair is in a ponytail and she has a streak of flour on her cheek. He takes a picture and shows it to her. She laughs and says “Send it to Daddy!”
It breaks Robby’s heart that there’s this deep, possibly irreparable, rift between this child’s parents and she has no idea. No, he doesn’t want her to know that he and Jack aren’t happy. But there’s something so sad that Robby and Jack are living this facade and their four year old daughter just happily goes about her life wanting them to hug and kiss and send each other pictures like everything is okay.
But Robby does as requested and sends the picture to Jack.
What a cute little mess, is the response he gets shortly after.
He relays the message to Sylvie who gets a crack out of it.
Robby doesn’t bother responding back.
He and Sylvie enjoy their pancakes, using chocolate chips and whipped cream to make the face.
Robby bathes her, dresses her in her favorite princess jammies, brushes her still wet hair, and snuggles in on the couch with her. They allow her one episode of Sesame Street before bed. It gives them time to decompress and wind down before bedtime.
Sylvie sings along to the songs, giggles at the silly parts, and claps throughout to show her appreciation.
It’s 8:00 when Robby carries her to bed. They read her current favorite book, On the Night You Were Born.
“On the night you were born, the moon smiled with such wonder that the stars peeked in to see you and the night wind whispered, ‘Life will never be the same.’”
They’ve read it so many times that by the end, Sylvie is reading with him by memory.
“Heaven blew every trumpet
And played every horn
On the wonderful, marvelous
Night you were born.”
But marvelous comes out more like mahvewus and Robby kisses her head, love consuming him.
He tucks her in and turns on her nightlight and white noise machine.
He takes a shower, quietly checking back in on Sylvie when he’s done to see that she’s asleep, her little hand tucked against her cheek.
Robby settles in for another lonely night. He long ago gave up on texting Jack during his shifts for at least some sort of pathetic company. Their conversations over text never held much substance anyway, and Jack’s responses got shorter and more generic over time until Robby stopped bothering.
He thinks back over the decline of their relationship.
There are several factors that he’s sure has contributed to their downfall. He does feel like a big part of it is their opposite schedules. It’s hard to find time to connect and spend time together when opposite schedules are involved. They have naturally drifted apart because of it.
But on top of that, their lives have turned into being parents. And they love it. Of course, they do. But it hasn’t offered a lot of time for just them, on top of barely having time together because of their schedules. Most of their time outside of work is consumed by their daughter.
And beyond that, Jack went through a rough mental health period and refused to get help for the longest time. That refusal for help put a massive drain on Robby. Jack has since gotten into therapy and on medication but by the time he did, the emotional toll had been taken out on Robby and their relationship had been altered.
Jack had felt like a burden and had started pushing Robby away.
It was all a big sad mix of circumstances that aligned just right, and they hadn’t figured out how to recover from it.
Robby isn’t even sure if either of them wants to figure it out at this point. They’re both tired. Drained to their very core. It’s almost easier to just let it fall apart.
And that thought simultaneously makes him feel nothing at all and terrifies the shit out of him because he remembers a time when Jack was his whole world.
He sees a picture of that time on the side table. It’s one of Sylvie’s favorites. It’s a selfie style picture, taken outside. Jack’s curls don’t have any gray in them. Robby’s hair is sticking up. Robby is in side profile in the picture, and there are crows feet at the corner of his eye where he’s clearly grinning as he kisses Jack on the cheek. Jack is laughing, eyes crinkled, staring straight into the camera.
Robby picks the picture up and lightly rubs his thumb over their faces. Wistful. Longing for a time that doesn’t exist anymore.
************
The next morning, he’s woken not by his alarm but by the pat pat pat of a small hand on his face.
He opens his eyes and yawns, rolling on his side to face his little girl standing beside his bed.
“Papa, I’m awake,” she declares, matter of fact.
Robby groans and looks at his phone. His eyes nearly pop out of his head when he sees that it’s only 4:30.
“Sylvie Louise. It is still night time.”
“No! My brain told me it’s wake up time! See my eyes?” She opens her eyes comically wide and puts one close enough to Robby’s that he swears her eyeball nearly touches his.
Robby pulls back and huffs a laugh. “Syl,” he groans in tired frustration. But she’s not to be dissuaded so he rolls out of bed and shuffles behind her to the living room.
She crawls up onto the couch and pats the seat beside her. Robby plops down, and she crawls into his lap, snuggling in.
“Can I watch TV?”
He looks down and gives her a look. She knows she gets one episode of Sesame Street before bed. He and Jack both decided they wanted to try to minimize technology as much as possible until she’s a little older.
She has a great imagination and they do a combination of playing and reading and learning time. And they have her in ballet and gymnastics which keeps her busy twice a week after school.
She’s in Pre-K at a stupidly expensive private school. Robby and Jack had figured, what better way to use their salary than their child’s education? It’s a really good school, and they’re really happy with it.
He doesn’t want to start a habit, but he’s too tired to play with her right now so he says “One episode of Sesame Street and then you have to go find something to do before we have to get ready for school.”
Syl holds her fist up for a fist bump. The size difference in their hands is comical. Robby gently bumps her fist with his and turns on Sesame Street.
Robby dozes as much as he can with a four year old digging her bony body parts into his thighs and stomach and once, double painfully, an elbow straight to the balls. When he gasped and doubled over, Sylvie put her nose against his and went a little cross eyed as she looked into his eyes with concern and said “Okay, Papa?”
“Okay, baby girl.”
Once her show is over, Sylvie runs to her room to grab her bucket of playdoh and playdoh toys. That’s a kitchen table activity, so she sets up in there while Robby begins the morning routine of coffee and breakfast and getting ready for the day.
They sit and eat breakfast together before Robby gets Sylvie dressed in her school uniform and braids her hair into pigtails.
He drops her off at school before heading to work.
Jack is finishing up some charting when Robby walks in.
He sees Robby and says “How was the princess this morning?”
Robby runs his hand down his tired face and says “She woke up at 4:30 this morning ready to start her day.”
Jack nods. “She’s a busy girl with a busy schedule.”
Robby smiles tenderly. “Yeah.”
“I’m almost done here and then I’m heading home.”
Robby nods and claps Jack on the shoulder before seeing what awaits him.
The day is busy, back to back patients, and very little downtime. He’s probably going to have to work on some of his charting at home after Syl goes to bed.
He’s exhausted just thinking about it as he walks in the front door.
What he doesn’t know is that that exhaustion is about to hit him tenfold.
Jack has a look of regret on his face and Robby already knows.
“They called me in. Robby, I know. I get it. I’m sorry.”
Robby shakes his head, lips curled in a snarl. “Don’t. I don’t want to hear it. Don’t fucking make promises to her that you can’t keep, Jack. Goddamnit.”
“Robby-“
“Have you told her? That you can’t put her to bed?”
“I haven’t had a chance. They just called me to let me know that two people called out. I’m about to tell her.”
Robby walks off without further comment.
He’s so frustrated. He’s so deeply tired of doing this.
And then he sees his husband letting their daughter down again, and he sees her take it like a champ. There’s sad and upset in her eyes, but she puts on a brave face and tells Jack, “That’s okay, Daddy!”
But what he doesn’t see is that after he’s left, her lip quivers and she says “I miss Dada. He was ‘apposed to put me night nights.”
“I know, Lou. I know. I can tell you’re disappointed. It’s okay to feel disappointed. You were told one thing and that got taken away from you. But we’ve talked before about how important Daddy and Papa’s jobs are, right? And sometimes people need us when it’s not fair. I’m sorry, honey.”
She lets him hug her, and Robby makes sure to spend extra time playing with her. They play baby dolls and Syl cooks at her little kitchen in her bedroom and they have a tea party and by the time bedtime rolls around, her face is splitting with a happy grin again.
Robby does all the evening routine again and tucks her into bed.
He drags himself to the shower and stands under the spray way too long.
A bone deep weariness has settled over him.
Things can’t keep going like this.
He texts Jack before he can lose his nerve and take it back.
We need to talk.