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Philip looked up from his hands when Lukas stopped talking about the ducks that were swimming in the lake. He let out a deep sigh, one that he had been holding for what seemed like forever. It was surreal, seeing Lukas again. Especially now that he had a fiancé back at home. He was still punching himself for driving all the way up here because of a stupid newspaper article.
What the hell was he even doing? He had no right to be here, they were both living different lives now. What happened between him and Lukas was a long time ago, but even if it was, he couldn't let himself forget about it. He was sitting in this boat wondering if Lukas was thinking the same thing.
The time Philip and Lukas spent together felt like something out of a dream almost. Except it was better than a dream. Their time together in the past was something Philip always craved. Like when he's away from Lukas, there's still an emptiness inside of him that can't be filled by any other person. Not even his fiancé. He hated the thought of that, it made him sick to his stomach.
Philip smiled a little, "you're different, you know.. I mean, kinda. You seem different anyways." he whispered, causing Lukas to raise an eyebrow at him.
"Different how?" Lukas asked with a short laugh.
"Just the way you look, and how you act. You seem, I don't know, happier?" Philip shrugged. How was he supposed to explain how different Lukas seemed? He'd end up getting nervous and tongue tied. He hated that after all these years of not being around each other, Lukas still had such an effect on him. It made his pride get the best of him.
"In a way, yeah I guess." Lukas mumbled, which seemed to be a lie that Philip caught onto fairly quickly.
"You guess?" Philip asked absentmindedly, not really noticing that he was invading Lukas' personal business. Quickly after asking, he could tell the question made Lukas uncomfortable. "You don't have to answer that.. If you don't want to." Philip trailed off.
Lukas shook his head and took a deep breath, wiping his palms on his pants. "Soon after you left town, I um, I came out to my family. I knew who I was, and I didn't want to hide it anymore. I couldn't, not after losing you, which, might sound really stupid and cliche but it's the truth. I lost a really good thing because a part of me felt ashamed of who I was because I was scared of what my dad would think about me. I didn't want to feel that way anymore." he responded, his voice still low and quiet. Philip knew it took a lot of courage for Lukas to admit something like this to him. "Other than that, I guess I am a little happier now. I feel free.." Lukas nodded, giving the man across from him a reassuring smile.
Philip was practically speechless, to say the least. this was so much to take in all at once, it was a tad bit overwhelming if he was being honest.
"What happened?" Philip asked hesitantly, his voice soft and comforting.
"Oh, uh, he kicked me out." Lukas answered quickly, to Philip's surprise. "But I mean, I accepted it, it's not like I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I told him. He made me realize just how different him and my mom were, you know? i feel like if I would've been able to tell her about you, about us, she could've talked some sense into him, maybe make him understand that being this way wasn't my choice." he swallowed.
Philip couldn't take his eyes off of Lukas now, he couldn't understand if he was happy or frustrated with this news. Either way though, in every scenario that Philip played in his head, this was all too late. Why the hell didn't Lukas bring this to the table sooner? Why didn't he find a way to tell him?
As soon as Philip opened his mouth to reply, he felt a few drops of rain that fell on his forehead. He knew it was supposed to rain, Lukas had warned him, but this was awful timing. "We should head back, the rain is only going to get worse and we really don't want to be stuck in it." Lukas added in before Philip could even try to speak again.
They weren't even halfway to the dock before the rain started to pour down, causing the two to look at each other and laugh. Philip found the idea of Lukas jinxing himself hilarious, and he was sure that Lukas was only laughing because he was. They both had to admit that it was nice to be this comfortable around each other again, even if it lasted for only a moment. As soon as Philip realized why he was really here, he stopped laughing. Fuck, he missed him. He missed lukas so much, it hurt, both physically and mentally. He just couldn't laugh anymore and when Lukas caught on, he stopped too.
Philip felt his chest tighten after their eyes broke contact once they stopped at the dock. His brain was just screaming at him to run away, that all of this was such a big mistake. He should've just stayed home, coming here was so stupid of him and now he was paying for it.
Philip climbed onto the dock with some struggle and started to walk away as quickly as he could once he got onto his feet, leaving lukas to tie the boat up by himself. He felt himself beginning to fill up with the most complicated emotions, which caused him to stop abruptly and turn around. Of course Philip was mad, he had a right to be. He walked back over to Lukas, who had the most hurt expression playing on his face.
"Why?" Philip yelled, his voice entirely too shaky for his own good. If he wanted to hide how much he was hurting, that idea was pretty much shattered now. "Why didn't you call or write me? It wasn't over for me" he frowned. "I waited! I waited for you, for five years. I wanted you to come after me. Make a fucking effort to keep me and you just let me leave. Why?"
Lukas just stared at him, frozen where he stood, looking as if he didn't understand a word that was coming out of Philip's mouth. "I did write you. I tried to call plenty of times too, but your number was changed. I gave up trying after a while." he yelled back, in a tone that made Philip's skin crawl with goosebumps.
"You what?" Philip didn't understand, none of this made sense. He wouldn't have ignored Lukas, he didn't remember receiving a single call or letter from him. He opened his mouth to speak but Lukas interrupted him by stepping closer.
"You're not getting it, I tried. But after being ignored for so long, I didn't think you wanted me around." Lukas stated, sounding defeated. "I wanted you so bad, it wasn't over for me." he told him firmly, closing the space between them.
Philip watched him closely, not stepping forward or even backwards. "It still isn't over." Lukas breathed just before he crashed their lips together. Philip didn't even hesitate to kiss Lukas back, his hands gripping onto his shirt in a desperate attempt to pull him closer.
Philip felt Lukas' hands grab onto his hips tightly, his mind clouding as he felt himself being lifted off the ground. It took him only a second to gather what was happening, and without even hesitating he wrapped his legs around Lukas' waist.
Neither of them could tell you how they ended up at Lukas' house again, all Philip remembered was his back being pressed against the staircase wall as they desperately ripped the wet clothes off of each other.
He felt Lukas' lips pressed firmly against his own as he cupped his cheeks, kissing him as if it was literally the last time he was going to be able to do so. He couldn't believe it. Lukas was all he wanted, and he finally had him.
They were both panting when they reached the bedroom, wasting no time with removing the rest of their clothes. This felt right, it felt normal. He couldn't even think about his fiancé back in the city. He was realizing that home wasn't even a place, it was a person.
--
Philip laid on the bed next to Lukas, blissed expressions painted on both of their faces as they looked at each other. Lukas was so beautiful like this and Philip just wished he could keep this image of him forever. If only he could photograph it.
He let Lukas move close enough to press their foreheads together, the both of them taking deep breaths while Lukas wrapped his arm around Philip's waist as tightly as he could without making him uncomfortable. Almost as if he was afraid that Philip was going to get up and leave him. "I love you, Philip. I'm so sorry you had to wait so long to hear that." he whispered.
Philip only smiled and shook his head. "I deserve that apology for waiting so long, you asshole." he whispered back jokingly before pressing their lips together again, only for a brief moment. He missed Lukas' lips so much when they weren't touching his own. "I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't love you. I don't have to say it for you to know." he whispered back.