Archive of Our Own

If Grace had to pick one word to describe the trip to Erid, it would be boring.

Before at Tau Ceti at least he'd had a problem to solve. Something to keep his mind active. Now he was just on the world’s longest road trip with uncertainty at the end. Sure Rocky kept promising that the Eridians would find a way to solve his food problem, but that wasn't a guarantee. So he had years to sit around doing nothing while contemplating his possible doom.

Fun. 

If he had to pick a second word to describe it . . . it would be lonely.

Which he always immediately felt terrible for thinking because he wasn't alone, he had Rocky. But . . . sometimes it just wasn't enough.

He likened the feeling to how he'd often felt on Earth. Even in a crowd or a group of people, he felt lonely. Which was silly, he wasn't alone, there were literally people all around him, but . . . he never felt like he belonged. 

When he tried to join conversations he got weird looks and that made him want to either curl up and die or bang his head against the nearest wall. And if he was invited into a conversation, he never knew when he was allowed to jump in. He was a misshapen cog. Clunky. Ruining the smooth workings of the machine. He'd learned pretty quickly that that was what he was best at. Rubbing people the wrong way. 

So he'd gotten used to being alone. Being on the sidelines. Having nobody listening to his ideas or worse just outright rejecting them. It was like he was in orbit around humanity, able to witness it all from afar, but never able to get close because he would risk crashing and destroying everything. 

So when Stratt had plucked him out of the crowd to work on the project to save the sun, he'd honestly been a little baffled that people were actually listening to him. He still got weird looks and fumbled through a lot of things, but . . . people had actually listened to him. He wondered now how much of that was Stratt’s influence instead of people just genuinely respecting him. Stratt hadn't respected him either. Not really. She'd just found him useful. 

He had . . . complicated feelings about Stratt. Ones he didn't really wanna unpack if he was being honest. He didn't think he could ever forgive her for what she did but . . . she had been right. 

That was infuriating.

Grace shook his head, tossing that train of thought aside before it could pick up anymore steam. He sighed, leaning forward to rest his hands against the table where he was currently looking at a tiny piece of xenonite under the microscope. Yeah he was that bored that he'd started sticking random things under the lens just to stare at them. 

He considered watching a movie instead, but he wasn't really feeling like anything specific and didn't want to spend forever scrolling through the, what felt like, billions of options he had. 

You could go bother Rocky, the bit of his brain that secretly enjoyed causing (relatively harmless) problems offered, and he was extremely tempted for a second. He hadn't seen the little guy in a few hours now and knew he was probably somewhere in the ship tinkering with something while fully aware where Grace was and what he was doing, but he shook his head slightly, turning back to the microscope. No, he wasn't gonna do that. Rocky was already going to have to put up with him for years on this trip, something that Grace was also not thinking about because he knew he was eventually going to go stir crazy, and he didn't need to make Rocky sick of his presence before they'd even reached the quarter mark of the journey. 

Nope, I'm not gonna bother him, he thought back at the problem voice, removing the slide with the xenonite and looking around for something else to stare at extremely closely. He felt proud of himself for the self restraint, and he pictured someone patting him on the back in a congratulatory way. If he concentrated hard enough, he could almost feel it, the gentle vibrations of the friendly slaps. He even let himself sway just the tiniest amount, like he knew he would do if someone actually made contact with him. 

. . . Grace knew it was really pathetic. Imagining a fake human giving him some casual, physical affection, but . . . well, he didn't care. He was lightyears away from Earth on a tiny spaceship heading to his death an alien planet with zero humans or mind readers on board. Literally nobody had to know.

It wasn't like this particular coping mechanism was a new one anyway. While he still had a patchy memory, especially of anything pre Stratt, he remembered enough to know that this mental exercise was a well used habit. 

He . . . hadn't gotten much physical affection in his life back on Earth as a single adult. He'd get occasional fist bumps or high fives from students, and one of the other teachers at the school had been partial to giving other teachers hearty slaps on the back once in a while, but other than that . . . nope not really. And because he'd had zero friends and only a few acquaintances, he hadn't exactly had anyone close enough to him that wouldn't find it incredibly weird if he asked for a hug like the pathetic loser he was. 

How did one ask for physical affection anyway without it seeming weird? He'd gotten some from his ex but . . . well, a lot of the standard romantic gestures just . . . weren't what he'd wanted. Sure he'd been fine with kissing her and cuddling on the couch, but anything more than that had just made him feel uncomfortable. What he really wanted was just . . . casual acknowledgements he supposed. Someone bumping elbows with him as they walked by. Getting pulled into a friendly side hug or even a full one every once in a while. Brushing shoulders, a friendly punch on the arm, knocking the side of their leg against his when sitting side by side. Heck, if someone he cared about came up to him and just straight up headbutted him, he'd probably be over the moon, even if it hurt. 

He just . . . craved the idea of little gestures that proved someone noticed him. Someone knew he was there and cared enough to let him know. 

How did you ask people for that?

Grace hadn't figured that out back on Earth and now he never needed to. He was going to live on a planet where there were no humans and physically touching the inhabitants could kill both him and them so like . . . yeah it wasn't a problem anymore. And he was fine! Really! He was used to this already after all. He'd live, just like he had been for years and years at this point. He had a feeling that one hug statistic that inspirational social media accounts liked to throw around about needing a certain amount of hugs per day to live was greatly exaggerated. Mostly because he couldn't even remember the last time he'd gotten a real hug and he was still kicking despite all the odds against him. 

So yeah. He was fine. Nothing to worry about. He just had a little mental fantasy coping mechanism. That was probably normal. Hopefully. It's not like he didn't know it wasn't real. He wasn't hallucinating, he was just . . . daydreaming. Yeah. That was normal. Everybody did that. 

⟨⟨What Grace doing, question?⟩⟩

Grace didn't jump a literal foot in the air, and he most certainly didn't yelp in an embarrassingly high pitched tone. Nobody could prove anything. He did however drop the slide containing the xenonite in his surprise and it shattered on the floor.

“Shoot,” he hissed, quickly dropping to the floor after it, reaching out on reflex before thinking better of trying to scoop up glass shards with his bare hands and instead standing and looking around for something that could get the glass up safely.

⟨⟨Grace clumsy⟩⟩ Rocky said with a few high pitched chirps that Grace knew was his version of laughter. He was in the tunnel that arched over the lab, tapping his feet as he regarded Grace.

“You startled me,” he grumbled, finding a small hand broom and dustpan in a drawer and stooping to clean up the mess, picking the xenonite out of the glass and pocketing it while dumping the rest in the sharps disposal container, “Did you need something?”

⟨⟨Grace not move for long time⟩⟩ Rocky chirped, gesturing toward him with one arm ⟨⟨Just stand staring at hand. Weird. Rocky came to see what so interesting to stare at so long⟩⟩

Grace was getting better at recognizing Rocky's tone, and he was well aware of when the Eridian was mocking him. 

“Nothing, Rock, I was just thinking,” he sighed as he chucked the dustpan and broom back in the drawer and kneed it shut.

⟨⟨That sound dangerous⟩⟩ Rocky chirped, wiggling with amusement ⟨⟨Grace brain ok, question?⟩⟩

Grace groaned loudly, dropping his face into his hands, knocking his glasses off to hang from one ear in the process. He was really starting to regret using that one on Rocky, because Rocky was now using it on him every chance he got. 

“Yes my brain is fine,” he snipped back, putting his hands on his hips. Rocky just made that high pitched noise that reminded Grace of giggling again. Well, now that Rocky was here, and bothering him, he decided he now had full permission to bother him back. “So what have you been working on while I've been staring so much?”

~~~~~

Grace looked down at the open box in front of him, feeling a weird sinking sensation in his chest. 

There was only one box of ramen packets left. 

He had decided to go through all the rations to calculate how much he had to figure out just how long he needed to stretch it (even though most of him didn't want to think about it actually, but he'd decided to stop being such a coward and confront reality today). He still had plenty of other rations, plus the extra coma slurry, so really he shouldn't be freaking out at all yet but . . . he liked ramen. He hadn't realized how much he'd been eating it apparently. Now he was gonna have to save it for special (read: when he was feeling the Very Big Sad) occasions so he could stretch it out as long as possible. 

He took a deep breath, imagining someone lightly punching him in the arm, saying something like ‘hey, cheer up, it's not so bad, you've still got plenty of food!’ He imagined them throwing an arm around his shoulders and he swayed a little from side to side, concentrating on the phantom, imaginary sensation of being lightly shaken in a ‘cheer up’ sorta way. It helped a little bit. Maybe. He wasn't sure.

He swallowed, ignoring the tightness in his throat. He was not going to cry over ramen, what was he, a child? It was just ramen. (Once it ran out he was never going to eat it again for the rest of his life, however long that would be, because he had no way to get more, and he was never going back to earth again and he would never taste fresh fruit ever again, and—)

⟨⟨Grace staring again⟩⟩

You know, for a 500 something pound (at least in the current 1.5 G) alien spider made of rock, Rocky was scarily quiet sometimes.

⟨⟨Grace fall down⟩⟩ Rocky observed, notes amused as Grace winced where he was now sitting on the floor after trying to spin around in surprise, stepping on a fraying shoelace, and falling sideways instead.

“No shoot Sherlock,” he grumbled, grabbing at the stack of ration boxes to pull himself to his feet. Owww he was definitely going to get a bruise on his hip from that.

⟨⟨No understand last word⟩⟩ Rocky wiggled back and forth in his ball, making the edges clunk against the floor.

“He's a fictional human detective who's really smart,” Grace explained, rubbing his hip before turning to close the ramen box, picking it up to shove it in a dark corner somewhere so he wasn't tempted by it.

⟨⟨Ah yes, Rocky very smart. Is good comparison⟩⟩ Rocky clunked after him.

“It's supposed to be ironic,” Grace grunted as he shoved the ramen box onto a top shelf in the back and pushed another box in front of it, “Sarcasm.”

⟨⟨Rude⟩⟩ Rocky chirped, but he didn't sound offended in the slightless ⟨⟨Why Grace move boxes, question?⟩⟩

“Just . . . organizing. Taking inventory. Figuring out how much food I have left, you know,” he said as nonchalantly as he could, trying to ignore the familiar dread wrapping around his chest. After all, it was a perfectly normal situation to be in. Lightyears from Earth with a finite amount of food and no way to get more. Yep. Totally normal.

Rocky seemed to deflate a little at the reminder that Grace was currently every so technically on a ticking timer. Then he shook himself and perked up, putting two of his hands up against the xenonite.

⟨⟨Rocky help! Rocky better at math than Grace⟩⟩

Grace laughed softly, the dread loosening just a little bit.

“Can't argue with that.”

~~~~~~

Rocky was sleeping, and Grace was doing his absolute best not to spiral. The Dread™ had returned about an hour into his watch, and it wasn't going away no matter what he did. He'd looked for things to watch or read on the laptop, he'd paced in little circles close to the barrier, he'd even attempted to do a handstand against the wall (and fallen on his face) and yet the distractions did nothing for the tightening sensation around his ribs. 

He stopped his restless pacing next to the barrier, leaning back against it before sliding to the floor. He immediately pulled his knees to his chest, resting his forehead on them and hugging his legs with one arm while resting his other forearm on the back of his head. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe correctly. This was stupid. There was literally nothing to be anxious about right now. He was fine, Rocky was fine, the ship was fine, the fuel was fine, the trajectory was fine, everything was FINE.

And yet, The Dread™ remained. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid—

He groaned softly, removing the arm on his head so he could lean back, thunking the back of his head against the xenonite he was leaning against and staring up at the ceiling. He started counting screws in the panels there before his brain zoned out and he lost count. He checked the time on the laptop. Probably about . . . twoish more hours until Rocky woke up. Roughly. That was fine. He could handle that. Heck, compared to after Adrian this wait was miniscule. He quickly mentally changed the subject before he could start thinking about that.

He sighed softly, leaning forward, folding his arms over the tops of his knees and resting his chin on them. He closed his eyes and pretended someone was sitting next to him, their arm wrapped around his shoulders. He leaned just a fraction to the right, not enough to fall over, but enough to pretend he was leaning against someone's side. If he concentrated he thought he might be able to feel the weight of an arm around him. The warmth of the xenonite at his back could be coming from another person instead of Rocky's incredibly hot atmosphere. He reached up to rub the side of his arm and pretended the hand doing it wasn't his. 

He clung to that pathetic fantasy for the next two hours like a lifeline, and when Rocky woke up he pretended he was fine. He was always fine before, being in space shouldn't change that, right?

~~~~~~

⟨⟨This real hug, question?⟩⟩

Grace jolted slightly, not expecting to hear Rocky speak, too absorbed in the movie. He quickly rubbed at his eyes to hopefully hide the fact that they were a little wet and turned to look at his friend.

“Hm? What?” He asked, blinking hard a few times. Why did Lord of the Rings always make him cry? It was unfair.

Rocky pointed at the screen, where Sam and Frodo were breaking out of their hug. 

“Oh, uh, yeah that's a hug. What do you mean by ‘real’?” He asked, leaning back and trying to act more nonchalant than he felt. Frodo and Sam heading off on a perilous journey that they didn't know if they would return from to save the world hit different now, and besides it was totally fine to cry at really really good movies. Shut up.

Rocky shuffled from foot to foot inside his ball.

⟨⟨Grace hug Rocky ball, but Rocky can not hug back⟩⟩ he finally said, and he hunched forward a bit in a motion that looked almost guilty. 

“Oh,” he said, because he wasn't quite sure what to say to that, “Well uh, it's fine though!” He quickly added when Rocky’s carapace dipped just a hair lower, “I definitely prefer that to you or I dying in each other's atmospheres.”

⟨⟨Is not the same though⟩⟩ Rocky chirped mournfully ⟨⟨Not like in movie⟩⟩

“It's ok, I promise,” Grace reassured, even as he felt a small twinge in his heart as he remembered that he would never receive a proper hug ever again, “I still love our hugs. Promise.”

Rocky rocked back and forth a few times, radiator pieces moving up and down like Grace had begun to notice he did when he was thinking hard. Then he rolled the ball toward Grace, bumping his side with it.

⟨⟨Hug⟩⟩ was all he said, and Grace snorted softly with laughter before twisting to properly drape himself over the ball. He felt the vibration of Rocky thumping his carapace onto his side of the xenonite, pressing against Grace's heart, only separated by a thin panel. Rocky hummed a low rumbling noise that vibrated through Grace's ribs and he smiled slightly. 

He could almost pretend the arms he was imagining wrapping around him in return were real like this. Almost.

⟨⟨We watch second Ruler of Rings movie now, question?⟩⟩

Grace let out a slightly wet laugh of surprise and nodded, still leaning against the ball.

“Yeah buddy, we definitely can.”

~~~~~~

Rocky was acting strange. It was almost like he was . . . avoiding Grace? Which was odd because normally Rocky was always in the same room as him. Whether they were interacting with each other or just quietly working on separate projects, usually all Grace had to do was scan the room and Rocky would be in his line of sight. Not always of course, and it's not like Grace expected Rocky to stay with him at all times. He was pathetic but he wasn't that pathetic, and having some alone time (despite knowing that Rocky could see him wherever he was in the ship, being alone in a room still felt like alone time. . . if he didn't think about it) was fine. But over the last couple of days it felt like he'd hardly seen Rocky at all. 

He saw him every night when he went to bed obviously, so Rocky could watch him sleep, but even then Rocky only gave short responses to Grace's attempts at conversation. Mostly he just bugged Grace to go to sleep faster, like he wanted to be done talking as quickly as possible. Grace had also watched Rocky sleep in return once, but the rest of the time? Fleeting glimpses at most. He'd walked in on Rocky in the lab once and Rocky had actually jumped, crouching down like he was hiding something. Grace had opened his mouth to maybe say hi, or maybe ask what he was doing, or maybe literally anything, but he hadn't gotten the chance because Rocky had immediately bolted. Scooping whatever it was up and rushing off to a different corner of his half of the ship.

So yeah, he was definitely avoiding Grace. And Grace, for the life of him, had no idea why. His anxiety brain was beginning to spiral a bit after day three of this, going over everything he'd done and said in the past few days to see if he'd done anything to offend his friend. He didn't think so?? But also he wasn't an Eridian. Maybe he'd committed some cultural offense that he didn't even know about? But no, usually Rocky was pretty blunt about things he didn't like, letting Grace know exactly how he felt. Him being so cagey and distant now was . . . unsettling. 

It's happening again, a little voice in the back of his brain said, You always chase everyone away.

Grace physically shook his head, willing that thought away. No, no this was different. Rocky had seemed chill with him. He didn't seem tired of his weird ramblings or his . . . overemotionalness. He'd seemed to genuinely like hanging out with Grace, listening to the things he had to say. This was probably just . . . some Eridian thing. Or maybe Rocky needed some alone time too. Grace didn't know how social Eridians were exactly, maybe Rocky needed some time away from the disgusting leaky space blob for his sanity.

Yeah. That was totally it. They were fine, and Rocky just wanted some space for a bit. Totally normal.

. . . If he weren't such a coward, Grace would just go find Rocky and ask him. It's not like the ship was that big, and also Rocky was confined to just the tunnels and his ball because of the whole incompatible atmospheres thing. But . . . well, if he had done something wrong, he didn't want to potentially make it worse. Better to just wait for Rocky to come to him later.

Yeah. Hopefully this was nothing and he was just overreacting and tomorrow Rocky would be back watching over his shoulder and rolling around under his feet like nothing had happened.

You keep telling yourself that, the voice whispered, and Grace gritted his teeth and ignored it.

You're fine, you're fine, you're fine, he thought over and over to himself, picturing someone patting him on the back consolingly with each ‘fine’. 

It didn't really help.

~~~~~

⟨⟨GRACE GRACE GRACE GRACE!!⟩⟩

Grace jolted awake with a strangled gasp, bolting upright and blinking rapidly in the darkness. His brain was still half in the weird dream he'd been having about his old apartment being filled with rocks, and it took a second for it to catch up with reality.

“Wha?” He slurred, fumbling for his glasses on reflex and squinting into the darkness around him. He heard a couple of soft taps on the ground to his right. Then he realized that the loud sound that had woken him had been Rocky. “What's wrong?” He gasped, his heart rate spiking again, “Why were you shouting? Is everything alright?? Mary lights.”

He hissed as the lights came on and momentarily blinded him, causing him to slam his eyes shut before squinting. He saw a Rocky shaped outline standing next to him as his eyes adjusted, and he frowned a little because something didn't seem right with that image. Why—?

Grace jolted as panic shot through him. Rocky wasn't in his ball.

“Rocky!” He cried, scrambling to roll over onto all fours, ready to stand and try to scoop his friend up, burning hot carapace and all, to get him back into his atmosphere because no no no no Rocky couldn't be out here he was going to die—

⟨⟨Surprise!⟩⟩ Rocky chirped, sounding very excited and Grace paused, rocking back onto his heels and finally properly looking at Rocky because wait a minute, shouldn't Rocky be shrieking in pain right now and also on fire?

As he finally forced himself to look, Grace realized he'd missed something. There was a thin layer of xenonite covering Rocky, extending over his limbs and carapace so they could move freely in Grace's atmosphere instead of being confined to the inside of the ball. Rocky held up two hands and spread his claws, which could fully articulate with an even smaller mesh like the stretchy panel in his ball, and shook them in excitement.

⟨⟨Rocky make suit! Now Rocky can interact with Grace side of ship without dying! Grace like, question?⟩⟩

Rocky dropped his hands, standing up straighter in an expectant sort of way, and Grace just stared, his mouth slightly open in shock. He sat there, mind buffering from so much happening all at once, for long enough that Rocky started to wilt slightly.

⟨⟨Why Grace not saying anything, question? Thought Grace would like surprise. Is surprise bad, question?⟩⟩

That finally jolted Grace out of his stupor, and he quickly raised his hands, waving them around.

“Oh! No no no no it's great, I love it! It's just, slow stupid human brain remember? Uhh, trying to process stuff. I—you made this?”

Rocky hummed, bobbing his carapace and tapping his feet a little, which made soft tink tink tink noises against the floor now that they were encased in xenonite. 

⟨⟨Yes! Been working on long long time! Many many many many days! Since Grace come back for Rocky!⟩⟩

Grace blinked in surprise. Really? 

“Oh, wow, that long? How did I not—?” Grace cut himself off as he remembered the past couple of days specifically, “Hang on, is that why you've been avoiding me recently?”

Rocky hunched a little into himself.

⟨⟨Was not avoiding⟩⟩ he said, notes low and almost sheepish ⟨⟨Got close to finishing suit. Wanted to keep surprise. Finish fast fast fast. Not want Grace to see before finished⟩⟩

“. . . So you weren't mad at me or anything?” Grace asked, immediately feeling pathetic and needy for asking, but needing the answer anyway.

Rocky immediately stiffened, before he hurried closer.

⟨⟨No no no no no Rocky not mad at Grace! Never mad at Grace!⟩⟩ Rocky stopped right in front of him and reached out, placing a xenonite encased hand on Grace's knee in a motion that seemed reflexive. 

Grace froze instantly, not even daring to breathe as he stared down at the hand on his knee. It pressed into him, not hard, but solid, and Grace could even feel the warmth from the tiny amount of the scorching atmosphere that radiated through the xenonite through his sweatpants. He felt Rocky's claws twitch slightly, squeezing his knee momentarily, and he sucked in a shaky gasp.

Rocky's hand ripped away without warning, making Grace flinch backward.

⟨⟨Apology apology apology!⟩⟩ Rocky warbled, and Grace looked up to see he'd skittered a good few feet away from him, his legs curled into his carapace as tight as they could go with the xenonite suit ⟨⟨Did not mean to hurt Grace! Apology apology apology!⟩⟩

“Wha—no, hey, you didn't hurt me, what—?” Grace stammered, still reeling a little from the touch, but trying to shove past all of those very weird and very confusing emotions to help his distraught friend, but Rocky interrupted him.

⟨⟨Grace make pain sound! Grace leak!⟩⟩ Rocky all but wailed and Grace flinched again, his heart clenching as he realized he had never seen Rocky this upset before.

“No no no, I'm not—” Grace started, holding his hands out in a placating gesture, but he paused as he felt something wet slip down his cheek. He reached up and rubbed at it with his hand, looking at his fingers to see they were damp. What? “O-oh, uh,” he stammered, because huh, he was crying. That . . . he'd have to unpack that later, “S-sorry, I don't know why that happened, but, uh, but you didn't hurt me, ok? I promise.”

Rocky uncurled slightly, tilting his carapace up hesitantly.

⟨⟨Grace sure, question?⟩⟩ he asked softly, and Grace nodded emphatically.

“Yep! Positive. I may be squishy, but I'm not that fragile, heh,” he made a feeble attempt at a joke, and when Rocky didn't react, his forced smile dropped and he cleared his throat, looking away and reaching up to rub the back of his neck, “Uh, sorry. You just—you surprised me is all.”

Rocky stood slowly, keeping his carapace low as he regarded Grace. Finally he spoke.

⟨⟨Rocky meant to give Grace good surprise, but Rocky miscalculated. Gave Grace bad surprise. Apology. Can move back into ball if Grace prefer⟩⟩

“What?” Grace choked slightly on the word, “What?? No! No no no the suit is great! I really love it! And it'll be easier for both of us if you can get around my side of the ship better right? This is a very very good surprise I just—” Grace cut himself off. What was he even about to say? That he was a broken, pathetic, weirdo of a man whose brain has short circuited because a hand other than his own had given him a casual, friendly touch? 

⟨⟨Grace say surprised, but did not react happy⟩⟩ Rocky took a few steps closer and Grace had a sudden, almost violent urge to lunge forward and grab Rocky in a hug that he wrestled back because that would be really weird, ⟨⟨Why, question?⟩⟩

“I—” Grace started, wringing his hands together and looking anywhere but Rocky. He really felt terrible. Rocky had put in all this work and had gone out of his way to keep it a secret to surprise him with it, and here Grace was ruining everything. Why couldn't he just be a normal person?? “I just . . .” He tried again, but his voice trailed off. How did he even explain this? How could he explain to Rocky how broken he was when he didn't even fully understand it himself?

⟨⟨Grace⟩⟩ Rocky said hesitantly, and he didn't say question, but he still tapped one of his feet twice against the floor softly. Grace took a deep breath and then let it all out in a sigh, reaching up to run a hand through his hair.

“So, humans can get a little . . . weird when we go for too long without . . . without touching another person. We're fairly social creatures so that sorta makes sense from an evolutionary perspective. But um, anyway, if a human goes for too long without it they can get . . . weird when they receive touch. Like they went for so long without it that suddenly getting it again is like . . . I don't know overwhelming? You didn't hurt me I promise I just . . . uh, well I wasn't expecting to ever get touched by another person ever again,” he kept running his hand through his hair as he spoke before just grabbing a fist full of it at the back of his head and tugging it with a forced laugh as he tried to play off what he was saying as not a big deal. Because it wasn't. He was fine. He'd been fine without much touch back on Earth, and he didn't even have a best friend back then. Now he did. And Rocky cared about him. Clearly if he was this upset about potentially hurting Grace. 

Grace was so caught up in his spiraling thoughts that he jumped a little when Rocky spoke again, even if Rocky's voice was much softer than normal.

⟨⟨This why Grace acting more sad recently, question?⟩⟩ he asked, and for some reason the words punched the air from Grace's lungs.

“Uh, w-what do you mean?” Grace stammered, trying to feign ignorance. He hadn't been acting more sad. 

Liar, the voice in the back of his head whispered, and Grace shook his head slightly to dispel it.

⟨⟨Grace quieter⟩⟩ Rocky's carapce tilted downward a bit ⟨⟨Spend long time staring at nothing. Hug self lots. This because Grace not have touch, question?⟩⟩ 

Grace took a deep breath before letting it out his nose, slumping a little and leaning back so he could pull his knees to his chest instead. His foot was starting to fall asleep from sitting on it for so long.

“Yeah,” he finally said as he hugged his knees, and his voice was a lot more croaky than he'd meant for it to be, “Sorry I didn't tell you I just . . . it really shouldn't be bothering me that much? Like I never really got much physical affection back on Earth either. I should be used to it but . . . well, I guess not. But I'll be fine!” He added quickly, “Touch starvation, uh, that's what it's called by the way, isn't fatal or anything,” at least . . . he didn't think it was, “So I'm not gonna die from it. You . . . you don't need to worry about me I'll—I’ll be fine.” His voice broke traitorously on the last word and he blinked rapidly a few times because dangit his eyes were welling up again. He was never beating the leaky space blob accusations.

It was silent for a few beats as Rocky seemed to process Grace's words, and Grace rested his chin behind his arms folded on top of his knees, very pointedly looking at the quilt he was sitting on as he waited for a response. 

⟨⟨Grace feel ♪♩♩ question?⟩⟩ The unfamiliar notes were low and descending, reminding Grace of a pebble being dropped on the ground, bouncing a few times before coming to a stop. 

“What's that mean?” He asked, voice low and hesitant.

⟨⟨Means to be alone. Means to want other people around, but not have⟩⟩

“Lonely,” Grace said softly, “Word is lonely, and . . . yeah I guess I am feeling lonely.”

⟨⟨But—but Rocky here⟩⟩ Rocky shuffled a little from side to side, like he was agitated ⟨⟨Grace not alone! Grace have Rocky⟩⟩

“I know,” Grace said, “I know I still have you, and I really appreciate it. I would not have lasted this long out here without you. It's just . . . sometimes you can feel lonely even when surrounded by other people. Sometimes you want to be closer to others, but you just don't know how to ask for the things you want. You don't know how to interact with people. Because you're different and weird. You don't fit in and you don't know what you're doing wrong, and everyone always drifts away, so it's easier to just stay on the outside. Easier to not get closer to avoid the pain of losing others. And by then it's too late to really get close with anyone anyway, and so you're just alone and—” Grace broke off, the words, which had been tumbling faster and faster out of his mouth as he spoke, halting with a hitched gasp as a hesitant weight settled against his shoulder.

He turned his head, blinking through traitorously blurred vision to see a xenonite covered claw resting against it. It flexed slightly and Grace felt the pressure from the soft, hesitant, delicate squeeze, and he kind of felt both like he was being burned and also like he never wanted the claw to move ever again.

⟨⟨Rocky here⟩⟩ Rocky repeated, and there was an extra sound layered under the second word, a rumble, like an underline. Emphasis ⟨⟨Can touch now. Grace not alone. Never again⟩⟩

Grace's cheeks were very wet now, and his breath was jumping all over the place as he turned to look at his friend standing in front of him. No face, and yet Grace got the distinct feeling that Rocky was watching him with so much love and care that Grace's chest hurt. 

He hesitantly reached up with a shaking hand before placing it on top of the claw still resting on his shoulder. He felt it flex beneath his own fingers, alive, separate from himself. Real. 

Grace hunched forward with a soft sob, and he was embarrassed to find that he was shaking.

⟨⟨Grace . . .⟩⟩ Rocky started, and then paused for a second before continuing ⟨⟨Grace want to try real hug, question?⟩⟩

Grace let out a startled laugh, though it sounded more like a wet cough, or maybe a sob. Then as he considered the offer, he realized with a pang just how much he wanted a hug. A real one. Reciprocated. Arms wrapped around him, holding him close.

Grace's throat was too tight to properly reply, so he just nodded weakly. He held his breath as Rocky moved closer, his movements slow and hesitant, like he was unsure what he was supposed to do. Or like he was trying not to frighten Grace. Grace stayed perfectly still as Rocky carefully wrapped two of his arms around his torso under Grace's arms while the claw resting on his shoulder moved to cup the back of his neck instead. Rocky hesitantly pressed his carapace against Grace's chest, and then he applied the tiniest amount of pressure with his arms, pulling Grace close, but not breaking him like Grace distantly knew he could. He knew if Rocky wanted to, he would be able to crush Grace's ribcage and snap his spine without even trying. But Rocky was almost impossibly gentle. Too gentle in Grace's opinion, because with the sensation of arms wrapped around him, came a sudden, desperate need to be held. 

Grace's breath hitched and he immediately collapsed forward, wrapping his arms around Rocky in return, feeling the points of the xenonite panels that stuck out here and there through his shirt and letting the gentle warmth of it wash over him. Grace rested his cheek on top of Rocky's carapace and started sobbing again. 

⟨⟨Is hug ok, question?⟩⟩ Rocky asked, and Grace felt his arms shift slightly, like he was about to let go. Grace immediately tightened his own hold, scrabbling at the xenonite suit in a desperate, futile attempt to keep Rocky where he was because he knew he had no chance of keeping Rocky in place with his meager strength.

“Yes!” Grace blurted, accidentally shouting the word and he winced as Rocky immediately froze, “Uh, y-yeah, hug is good. Hug is great,” he continued softer, his voice thick and shaky with tears against his will. 

Rocky hummed and stilled again, and Grace shivered as the hum vibrated through him, even stronger than it had through the xenonite ball, and he curled as close as he could to his friend. Rocky seemed to notice his reaction, because he started humming again, a soft and continuous rumble that reminded Grace of a cat purring, with some musical notes layered on top. Rocky tightened his grip just a fraction and Grace swallowed down another sob as the pressure grounded him. The warmth was seeping into every inch of his frame. He felt safe. 

They stayed like that until Grace's tears dried and his small tremors stilled. And even then Grace really didn't want to move. He wanted to stay like this forever actually, dignity be darned. But he knew he couldn't do that to Rocky, who was probably incredibly weirded out right now, but putting up with it for Grace's sake because Rocky was just the bestest friend ever.

He took a deep breath before loosening his grip and leaning back. Rocky got the hint and let him go, taking a few steps back and tapping two of his claws together. Grace quickly rubbed the back of his hand across his face in a futile attempt to remove the drying remnants of his complete breakdown as he tried not to immediately do so again from the loss of contact that he was already beginning to mourn. He accidentally knocked his glasses askew as he did and he just left them to hang from one ear instead of fixing them.

“Uh,” he started, because the silence suddenly felt oppressive as his insides began to squirm with embarrassment and shame, “S-sorry about that. I, uh, I’m usually not that pathetic, I—”

⟨⟨No understand word⟩⟩ Rocky interrupted, and Grace paused.

“What, pathetic?” he asked. Rocky bobbed his carapace up and down. 

⟨⟨Yes. What word mean question?⟩⟩

Grace bit his lip.

“It, uh, it means like sad, miserable, useless, weak, inadequate—”

Rocky suddenly let out a high pitched noise, bordering on a shriek and Grace flinched in shock as Rocky stood taller and stamped a foot on the ground with a very loud bang.

⟨⟨No no no no bad bad bad Grace not this. Grace not this word⟩⟩ Rocky's chirps and notes were higher pitched than normal, sharp and piercing in a way that felt like they were cutting straight through him. Rocky stomped a few more times, making more high pitched noises, and Grace realized something. Rocky was angry. No, he was furious. Had Grace ever really seen Rocky truly angry before? He'd seen Rocky be frustrated and annoyed, but never this . . . animated. Rocky suddenly took a step toward him and Grace was ashamed to say that he actually scrambled backward a bit on pure instinct.

Rocky froze, all sounds he was making dying instantly, before he drooped.

⟨⟨Apology. Rocky . . . Rocky did not mean to scare Grace⟩⟩

“Y-you didn't—” Grace started to lie, but Rocky stomped his foot again, though it was much softer than before.

⟨⟨Did⟩⟩ he shot back, before he made a slight whistling noise, his vents fluttering up and down ⟨⟨Apology. Rocky not angry at Grace. Angry Grace talk about Grace bad bad bad. Grace is not this word⟩⟩

Grace sighed, leaning back on his hands and tilting his head back to look at the ceiling.

“I am a little bit. Most humans don't have a complete breakdown because of a hug of all things.”

⟨⟨Most humans not stuck in space⟩⟩ Rocky countered, and Grace snorted in surprise. He smiled slightly as he sat back up, crossing his legs and resting his forearms on them to regard his alien roommate.

“I guess you got me there,” he conceded wryly. 

⟨⟨Yes. Rocky always get Grace⟩⟩ Rocky's notes warbled a little in a way that Grace was starting to realize meant amusement ⟨⟨Grace easy to get. Grace wrong. Rocky right⟩⟩

Grace huffed a small laugh and rubbed his eyes again. They were starting to burn a bit from all the crying which was annoying.

“Yeah, ok pal sure,” he decided to just give Rocky this one. They both went silent for a bit before Grace felt his guilt at this fiasco of a conversation begin to rise again. “I'm sorry for ruining the surprise Rocky.”

Rocky tilted his carapace to the side a little.

⟨⟨How Grace ruin surprise, question? Suit still work. Immune to leaky space blob fluids⟩⟩

“No, I—” Grace hid a surprised laugh with a cough, “No I mean like you spent so much time on it and I didn't give you the reaction you wanted. I'm sorry.”

⟨⟨Was not looking for specific reaction from Grace⟩⟩ Rocky huffed, rocking a little from side to side like he was shaking something off ⟨⟨Rocky only want Grace happy, statement. Grace happy, question?⟩⟩

And wow did that response just sucker punch Grace in the gut. He blinked rapidly as he nodded, his throat too closed up to speak.

“Y-yeah. Yeah I'm happy Rock,” he croaked. When was the last time someone had wanted him to be happy?

⟨⟨Good good good!⟩⟩ Rocky chirped, doing jazz hands and spinning in a circle ⟨⟨Now Grace can show Rocky how to fly ship!⟩⟩

“Wait, wha—?” Grace stammered, but Rocky was already scuttling off, so much faster outside of his ball, “Rocky!” Grace yelled after him, scrambling to his feet and fighting the quilt against its efforts to trip him, “Wait, hang on!”

~~~~~~

Things slipped into a very strange new normal after Rocky built his new suit. It took a bit for Grace to get used to turning around and seeing Rocky just standing there, not in a ball or tunnel. Rocky could also now get into places he couldn't before, as well as mess with things he couldn't grab through the barriers. Thankfully Grace was able to put down some ground rules pretty quickly about things Rocky could and couldn't touch. He didn't need an overly curious alien accidentally breaking delicate equipment with his frankly ridiculous strength. Seriously, it was very unfair that Rocky was that strong when he was so much shorter than Grace. The universe was very rude.

Aside from that though, things mostly stayed the same. Well, actually no, there was another change. Rocky also seemed to be testing the boundaries with Grace specifically.

Grace would be sitting on a stool in the lab minding his own business, and Rocky would walk by and poke him in the leg, or climb on the desk and pat his shoulder while asking him what he was doing. Or Grace would be sitting in the Don't Go Crazy Room and Rocky would move closer and closer to him in small increments until he was fully pressed against the side of Grace's thigh. Or Grace would be walking through the hall and Rocky would rush past, pausing to bump gently against Grace's leg in acknowledgement before continuing on his way. Or that one time where Rocky just straight up grabbed Grace’s hand and started playing with it, moving it around, grabbing his fingers, and clicking the whole while as he studied it. And Grace just kind of . . . let him? It's not like Rocky was hurting him. And . . . he would be lying if he said he didn't secretly enjoy it a little. Every touch. Every poke and prod. It was . . . nice. It made him feel like he existed, in a weird way. Someone else knew he was there, and was acknowledging his presence. 

Also he would be lying if he said that the warmth from the xenonite wasn't the best feeling ever.

It was around day three or so of the new suit when Rocky bluntly asked a question that caught Grace completely off guard.

⟨⟨Can Rocky touch Grace face, question?⟩⟩

Grace immediately choked on the water he'd been drinking through the little straw the packet came with while sitting on a spare mattress he'd dragged into the Don't Go Crazy Room because the walkway was actually super uncomfortable to sit on for a long time. 

“W-what?” He spluttered as Rocky chirped in alarm at his coughing. It was probably only the fact that Grace had already choked on water before in front of him that kept Rocky from completely losing it.

⟨⟨Apology apology apology!⟩⟩ Rocky squeaked, backing up a step ⟨⟨Did not mean to offend Grace!⟩⟩

Grace got his breathing back under control and cleared his throat.

“No you—you didn't offend me,” he stammered quickly, “You just, uh, surprised me? Why do you want to touch my face?”

Rocky tapped two of his claws together.

⟨⟨Touch gives better image of things. Still hear Grace fine, but touch would be . . . more⟩⟩ 

Grace relaxed slightly, not realizing that he'd tensed up a little bit.

“Oh, that makes sense. Uh, sure you can . . . do that. Just uh, don't break my face, ok?” He meant it as a joke, but Rocky huffed air from his vents in a sharp whistle.

⟨⟨Rocky never break Grace⟩⟩ Rocky seemed genuinely offended ⟨⟨Rocky careful. No hurt. Never⟩⟩

“It was a joke Rock,” Grace sighed, but still smiled slightly before turning toward Rocky, leaning forward a bit by resting his forearms on his thighs, “Have at it.”

Rocky moved closer, slowly and almost hesitantly, before he reached up with one claw and poked Grace's cheek once. Grace let out a startled laugh and Rocky skittered backward.

⟨⟨Why Grace laugh, question???⟩⟩ he asked, clearly baffled, and that just made Grace laugh again.

“Sorry, sorry,” he chuckled, “Just, wasn't expecting that when you said you wanted to touch my face. It was kind of funny.”

Rocky made a grumbling noise before moving closer again, this time reaching out with two claws. Grace held still, trying not to flinch away as Rocky placed both claws on either side of his face. Not that he was afraid Rocky would hurt him, it was more just the instinct to avoid things coming for your face. He couldn't even remember the last time someone other than him had touched his face.

⟨⟨Squishy⟩⟩ Rocky chirped as he pressed down with the smallest amount of pressure. Grace snorted.

“That's nothing, here, watch this,” he gently shooed Rocky’s hands away before slapping his hands on either cheek and squishing hard enough to give himself fish lips.

Rocky shrieked and Grace burst out laughing.

⟨⟨Grace face collapse!⟩⟩ Rocky chirped, and he sounded both amused and disgusted ⟨⟨Weird weird weird!⟩⟩

“Yeah faces are suuuuper stretchy,” Grace grinning, “Here look—” and then he proceeded to shove his palms into his face to stretch his mouth out, then he filled his cheeks with air like a chipmunk.

Rocky made a bunch of chittering noises before reaching out to poke his cheek, and Grace blew the air out like Rocky had popped it. Rocky shuddered.

⟨⟨Disgust⟩⟩

Grace wheezed.

“Our noses are also pretty flexible, depending on the person,” Grace added, before squishing it flat and then pushing it up like a pig snout, “You can make a lot of funny faces just by squishing it.”

⟨⟨Humans so strange⟩⟩ Rocky sounded fascinated as he reached out to poke Grace squarely on the nose. 

Grace outright cackled.

“Did you just boop me?” He wheezed.

⟨⟨No understand word⟩⟩

“Here it's like,” Grace reached out and tapped Rocky's carapace in the center where an imaginary nose would be if he had a face, “Boop!”

⟨⟨Oh!⟩⟩ Rocky perked up, wiggling two of his claws in excitement before reaching out to poke Grace's nose again. He made a sound clearly copying the high pitched, staccato way Grace had said it, and Grace snickered.

⟨⟨Silly⟩⟩ Rocky chirped, wiggling from side to side and Grace nodded.

“Yeah, it's pretty silly,” his face was actually starting to hurt from smiling so much. He leaned forward a bit as Rocky reached out again.

Rocky poked and prodded at Grace's face and he had to bite back a few giggles because it kind of tickled. Thankfully Rocky avoided his eyes (he absolutely did not want to get booped in the eyeball), instead squishing his cheeks and nose. At one point Rocky pinched his nose and Grace couldn't resist making a honking noise that made Rocky jump a mile and Grace had to explain horns and clown noses after he stopped cackling.

It should've been very weird, letting an alien . . . explore his face (man there had to be a better way to say that, that just sounded wrong), but it actually wasn't? Grace felt warmer and lighter than he had in a while, just letting Rocky learn the joys of weird human facial squishiness. He didn't think he'd laughed this much in a while.

⟨⟨Grace have small hair above eyes⟩⟩ Rocky observed, running his claws over his eyebrows before he reached up to ruffle Grace's hair ⟨⟨Not long like this⟩⟩

“Yeah those are eyebrows,” Grace said, trying extremely hard not to melt as Rocky pet his hair. That was definitely his weak spot, “They help keep sweat out of our eyes.”

⟨⟨Disgust⟩⟩ Rocky chirped in a way that sounded almost cheerful and made Grace wheeze again.

⟨⟨Rocky like hair⟩⟩ Rocky raised another claw and began aggressively petting the top of Grace's head, and Grace couldn't stop a shiver as chills raced down his spine. Rocky hummed and tilted his carapace a little ⟨⟨Grace like this, question?⟩⟩

Grace felt his face grow warm.

“N-no,” he stammered, but then Rocky gently scratched his scalp and Grace melted.

Rocky chirped out an amused laugh of his own as he continued to play with Grace's hair, and Grace was having a hard time keeping himself upright. He just wanted to give in to the urge to relax and slump forward. Rocky had messed with his hair before, through the stretchy panel on his ball, but he hadn't had full articulation then. Now that Rocky did, he could run his claws through Grace's hair like a very thick comb, and Grace was very embarrassed to admit that it felt heavenly.

When Rocky pulled away Grace actually made a small noise of disapproval before he could stop himself and he immediately went red and sat bolt upright.

Rocky laughed again with high pitched chirps and Grace rolled his eyes and shoved at his carapace, succeeding in moving Rocky exactly zero inches.

“Shut up,” he grumbled, and Rocky wiggled a little from side to side.

⟨⟨Grace just like ♬♫♬♪♩♩⟩⟩ he said in a downright teasing tone.

Grace squinted suspiciously. 

“What's that?”

⟨⟨Is small animal on Erid. Kept as companion by some. Likes to get scratched⟩⟩

Grace immediately had the mental image of a cat made of rocks and he groaned, slumping forward to rest his face in his hands.

“I can't believe you just compared me to a pet,” he whined, though he wasn't really that upset by it. It was pretty funny. 

Rocky just chirped another laugh.

That night when it was time for Rocky to watch Grace sleep, he got in his suit instead of staying in his xenonite tunnel like he normally did, and he stepped right up onto Grace's mattress blanket nest thing and settled himself right next to Grace.

And Grace . . . didn't say anything. He just laid down next to Rocky, curling on his side so he was facing him. Rocky shuffled closed without a word, pressing his carapace against Grace's chest, and Grace hesitantly rested an arm over the top of Rocky's carapace in return. Rocky responded by draping an arm over Grace's torso, pressing down just a hair against his back in a sort of half hug.

⟨⟨Happy dreams⟩⟩ Rocky said, notes soft and quiet, deep in a way that vibrated through Grace's chest ⟨⟨Sleep, I watch⟩⟩

Grace smiled slightly, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against the warm xenonite suit.

“Goodnight,” he mumbled. Rocky began humming softly in a deep rumbling way that made Grace relax completely.

He didn't even have to imagine arms holding him close. They were warm and they were real.