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Beca was lost in thought as she led the Bellas across campus. The elation borne from fact that she had not only managed to find her way back into their ranks but was actually given the reins to lead them going into the ICCA finals all but forgotten beneath the weight of the question of how were they actually going to win? She had talked a big game when she was trying to sell Aubrey on using literally anything but the setlist held over from the previous year, but now that she was in a position to actually follow through with her promises, it felt rather more daunting.
Her mind was already frantically smashing songs together and running through her library of previous creations, trying to find the combination that would give them their best shot, but she knew now as well as she had since joining the group that the Bellas still held one key flaw that held back the quality of their performances: the lack of anyone able to sing in the lower vocal ranges.
Well, anyone willing and able, anyway.
The solution was right there, and she knew it, but she wasn't sure if she could bring herself to use it. She knew Chloe wouldn't want her to force herself to do so, which said quite a lot given her devotion to the Bellas. But still, Beca couldn't help but consider everything Chloe had done for her, and how badly she wanted to return even a little of that kindness…
Beca sighed heavily when the last of the Bellas filed out of her dorm room. She quickly stripped out of her competition uniform and sat down on her bed, rubbing her temples as she realized just how drained she was from the day.
A buzzing from her desk reminded her that she wasn't done just yet, either. Well, she shouldn't be, at least. As she opened her phone to silence the alarm, she was sorely tempted to simply wait until tomorrow, but despite how little attention Kimmie Jin tended to pay her, it was far more preferable to handle this while she was absent.
Beca grimaced as she eyed the syringe after filling it. She wasn't sure she'd ever get used to this part, no matter how worth doing it was. Taking a deep breath, she held the needle just above her skin, and was just about to press it in when a vibrant knocking at her door boomed through the small room.
"Ack!" She yelped as the syringe slipped through her fingers, clattering to the floor. "Shit!"
"Beca?" She heard Chloe's voice from the hall. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah!" Beca replied, her voice obviously strained and laced with anxiety as she scrambled to grab the syringe, too frantic to even wonder why Chloe had returned in the first place. "All good!"
"What's that?"
Beca froze, looking up with syringe in hand to see Chloe had decided to let herself in anyway. "Nothing," Beca answered, holding the syringe behind her back as she stood. She winced, knowing how ridiculously unconvincing she must seem. God dammit, how did she forget to deadbolt the door first? "It's just, uh, medication."
Chloe, for her part, seemed more a mix of skeptical and amused than concerned as she asked, "I'm not accusing you of using any illegal drugs in your dorm or anything like that, if that's what you're worried about."
Beca laughed nervously. "Right. Yeah…"
Silence fell, with Beca feeling too awkward to know what to do or say. Mercifully, Chloe didn't let it linger for long. "I'm sorry to intrude, by the way, I only came back because I realized I didn't have my phone, thought it might have fallen out of my pocket in here."
"Oh," Beca replied, feeling oddly disappointed that that was the only reason she'd returned. "Right, sure. Uh…" She set the syringe down on her desk and turned over her bedsheets until she found it. "Here."
"Thanks."
"You're starting to make a habit of barging in on me, you know," Beca teased, trying to diffuse some of the awkwardness she felt.
"I guess I just can't help it when it comes to you," she countered with a wink. Her smile was as bright as ever as she looked Beca over, and Beca felt a not-so-subtle heat creeping up her cheeks. "But I'll behave in the future, promise."
Beca was all but certain her face had taken on an undeniably obvious shade of red. There were so many things she felt she could or should say in response, but all she could muster was a half-hearted, "It's fine."
After yet another round of awkward silence, Chloe bid her goodnight and was just about to leave when Beca, against all reason - save perhaps an inexplicable desire for Chloe to stay just a bit longer - found herself blurting out, "It's estradiol, by the way." Chloe turned back and gave her a questioning expression as she continued, "You know. Estrogen. In the syringe, I mean." She sighed. "It's hormone replacement therapy. I'm transgender."
Chloe blinked, seemingly stunned by the revelation, and Beca held her breath, heart threatening to burst through her chest as she awaited Chloe's response.
She wondered if coming out would ever stop feeling like offering herself up for judgment.
"Oh," Chloe said. "Cool."
"Does that, uh… I dunno, change anything?"
Chloe shrugged. "Should it?"
"I guess not?"
"Then no," Chloe replied with a grin and another wink. "Goodnight, Beca."
"Night…" Beca mumbled as Chloe left. She stood for several seconds in something of a stupor at the anticlimacticness of it all, then shook her head and went to go change out the needle on her syringe with a new, sterile one. She had just gotten the package open when her door was flung open again and Chloe burst through, causing Beca to jump in surprise, and, consequently, fumble the second needle of the night. "Dude!"
"Wait were you having trouble with your injection?" Chloe asked, ignoring her cry of protest.
"I wasn't until you showed up!" Beca said, though she couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the situation as she chided Chloe. "I thought you said you were going to behave!"
"Sorry!" Chloe squeaked. "I just thought… well. I don't know. I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Beca said. "The needles are cheap, it's no big deal. And… to be honest, I was having some trouble. I don't like needles, so doing this is always a bit of a struggle."
She watched as Chloe bit her lip, then said, "I could help, if you want."
"Seriously?"
"Dixie chicks serious," Chloe said, nearly negating the swell of affection Beca felt at the offer.
"Jesus Christ," Beca muttered. "Okay, um, have you ever done this before?"
"Not exactly," she answered, her tone uncharacteristically sheepish.
"It's easy, it's just the sticking yourself part that makes it tough, for me anyway."
She prepared the syringe and handed it off to Chloe without managing to drop it for the third time this evening, then sat on her bed. Chloe knelt down in front of her as Beca explained, "Just stick it right here…" She pointed at her right thigh. "…and push it all the way down."
Beca's breath hitched as she felt Chloe's fingertips ghosting against the skin of her thigh to push the fabric of her shorts up.
"Right here?"
"Yep," Beca said in a hushed whisper, turning her face away more to hide her blush than to avoid the sight of the needle about to puncture her skin.
"Ready?"
"Mhmm," was Beca's only response as she sucked in a deep breath and closed her eyes.
A tiny stab of pain followed, and before she knew it, the whole thing was over and done, and Chloe had the injection site cleaned and bandaged.
Beca released a long, slow breath, then smiled down at Chloe. "Thanks…"
"Any time," Chloe replied, still kneeling on the floor and gazing up at her. Beca's heart thundered in her chest as she realized how close they were, and not for the first time since meeting Chloe began to imagine just how her lips might feel against her own.
"Chloe…" Beca whispered.
"Yeah?"
Beca would swear Chloe was inching closer. But at the same time, she couldn't help but wonder if, even after all of this, she was still just imagining things. It wasn't as though Chloe hadn't already been literally singing naked in the shower with her and seemed entirely ignorant of the implications therein.
Her hesistance was cut short by the return of Kimmie Jin, which forced Chloe to apologetically scramble out of the room to avoid her threats of calling the RA.
Beca sighed. She didn't even care if Kimmie Jin noticed her cleaning up her injection supplies at this point, and she collapsed unceremoniously onto her bed the moment she finished.
All in all, things had gone pretty well, given the circumstances, even if her chance at getting out to L.A. at the end of the year was shot. Before she could drift off to sleep though, her phone buzzed with a message, which she saw was from Chloe: "I don't mind helping with that again, if you want."
Beca smiled as she typed out her response. "Sounds good."
True to her word, Chloe had helped with her injections every week after that, at least up until the brief falling out which she had only just mended. There were no further almost kisses though, which all but confirmed to Beca that she had been imagining that Chloe had taken that sort of interest in her. They were just friends, and that was fine, honestly, even if it was a bit disappointing.
Beca found that she didn't even mind Chloe's questions during their weekly meet-ups, when normally Beca would be hesitant to discuss the topic at all. Being around her was just so easy and comfortable, her mere presence disarming in a way she couldn't explain.
"So does it change your voice? Or were you just born with a naturally high one?"
"No and no," Beca answered. "I had to voice train for that. I had a pretty deep voice once I hit my puberty. I…" Beca gave a nervous chuckle. "Well, I used to sing baritone."
Chloe's eyes went wide. "Really? Can you still?"
Beca nodded. "I mean, physically, yes. But it's, uh… it's not very fun mentally, ya know?"
"Makes sense."
"I know what you're thinking," Beca said. "That me being able to sing that low would be pretty useful for our sets." She sighed. "And honestly, I considered it already too. But I don't think I can handle that."
"No," Chloe said. "I mean, yes, it would be useful, but if it makes you uncomfortable, it's not worth it."
It still wasn't worth it, Beca knew. Chloe was right. That voice was no longer something she considered a part of herself, and as badly as she wanted to deliver the Bellas to their first ever ICCA win, she didn't want it if it required dredging up the remnants of her old self that she wanted nothing more than to leave behind. If they couldn't win without her singing baritone, so be it. She would simply have to trust in the voice she had built for herself and the team that stood with her.
Beca smiled at Chloe when she heard what song Aubrey gave them to start with, and as Chloe sang those words, she couldn't help but notice that brilliantly bright gaze never left her own.
"…because you're amazing just the way you are…"