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The sun was about to set in the distance and the silence was quietly loud between the two men, riding through the landscape to pursue the next stage. It has been peaceful since the last encounter with Sugar Mountain, Magenta Magenta and Wekapipo. After the situation, they decided to not speak on the issue as it was too sensitive and Johnny was sure that Gyro wanted to forget all about it and proceed to the next stage in complete silence.
At the moment, both were silent, as they had been for a couple of hours, only thinking, sometimes interrupted by hand gestures or a couple of words to indicate the direction they had to take. Apart from that, both maintained the silence, between heavy breaths and sighs that indicated their tiredness, or, at the very least was the most likely, they were afraid of talking, afraid of confessing what they were feeling deep down within themselves It wasn't easy to put into words what you could possibly be feeling when you're tired and, once again, confused, exhausted.
Both Johnny and Gyro were two vastly different people, who had the luck of finding each other in such a complicated and rushed situation. Their argumnts usually didn't last long and almost always softened by Gyro's dry jokes that barely picked a laugh out of Johnny, or by another event of a risky situation where they would immediately go back to normal, both to save each other but also because it occupied their minds. Johnny, being the way he was, a lot of times ignored the situation and Gyro until he started talking to him again, pretending the argument never happened. The climate between them had aggravated a lot since the last couple of encounters with other stand users in search of the Corpse Parts, maybe because something enlightened within them, and it was hard to pick it apart.
But they weren't mad at each other, they were tired, exhausted. There was something inside that couldn't keep quiet or sit still, that wanted to come out and Johnny knew what it was, but he pretended he didn't know, pushed it aside as many times as possible, thinking and wishing he would just forget about it. After all, they were close to New York, eventually Steel Ball Run would end, one of them would win, they would separate and go to their respective home, their families or unsolved situations. Then, they would forget about each other and everything would be fine. Or at the very least, that's what Johnny wanted to do.
Even with the common silence, Gyro was exceptionally mute, he didn't even give directions in the last two hours of riding and Johnny even had to snap his fingers a couple of times to get his attention, he looked more tired than normal, even distracted. Johnny sighed, wanting to ask him what was wrong, but that wasn't his person, he wasn't used to asking that, so he just bowed down his head and continued forward. Gyro, also kept his head down, his hat covering most of his face and not allowing Johnny to make out what he was thinking, feeling or expressing.
A couple of kilometers forward, the sun had already set in, Johnny looked behind him one more time to see Gyro slumper forward against Valkyrie, his hands weakly grasping the horse's straps. "Gyro." Johnny called, thinking, maybe, this would wake him up from his slumped state. But he didn't move, he just kept his position, his hat absolutely obscuring his face. "Gyro, come on." But he still didn't answer and he was walking slower than usual, staying a couple of meters behind Johnny.
Johnny's hear picked up pace as he started to really wonder and worry about his colleague. He turned around with his horse and closed the space between them. Gyro's hands weren't even grasping the straps, they just closed around them and his body stood still by pure will of his own body, used to the position on top of the horse. Johnny's frown deepened as he got closer and closer until he shook his shoulder, but he didn't budge, he just slumped even more on top of the horse until he was almost fully lying down. Somehow, his hat was kept on top of his head, barely moving too.
"Jesus Christ." Was all Johnny said before he shook his shoulder once more. Gyro groaned just loud enough for Johnny to hear him, sounding pained and tired. "Don't fucking tell me you got sick." Johnny muttered until his breath and sighed deeply. He could already feel the sweat on his forehead from his nervousness but pushed it away to angle Slow Dancer next to Valkyrie in an effort to push Gyro up. He placed his hand under his armpit and other around his waist to push him up which didn't take very long.
Johnny felt lucky at that moment that he had considerable upper body strength, a gift that came with being paralyzed from the waist down. Ever since he was shot, he had to use a lot of arm strength to get by, especially riding a horse of this size, he had to make with what he had. He was small in stature, but not small in size, so it came in hand when he had to hug Gyro back and push him against him.
Gyro didn't make a comment and when Johnny looked at his face, he finally saw what the problem was. His eyebags were profoundly deep againsy his pale, usually tanned, skin. His eyes had a red rim around them and he could barely keep them opened for the duration of the ride. His hair, usually well kept, clang to his forehead with the sweat he felt all over his body. His big lips were opened allowing him to breathe in short sequences every once in a while, his characteristic green lipstick was wiped out a long time ago. Gyro didn't even push him away when Johnny pushed him against him in an effort to keep him upright.
"Fucking shit Gyro." Johnny complained under his breath. He slapped his face lightly trying to wake up momentarily. Gyro only opened his eyes for a bit, before looking at him. Johnny could see he was in massive pain. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Gyro only swallowed hard and tried to move his hands to grasp the horse straps. Johnny shook his head before picking up the straps himself. He had to find a place to camp, fast. Johnny struggled for a bit to catch his balance and Gyro as he led both of them to a small opening of a woodsy area. It wasn't much, not very safe, but it was the best he could find for now to cover themselves from the snow that just kept falling. At some point the snow was so persistent that Johnny was becoming annoyed with it, muttering a couple of fuck's and shit's under his breath. His heart sank to the bottom of his stomach as he tried to collect himself as best as possible.
He entered the little opening to the small portion of the woods, at least to hide in between the trees and from predators, including their enemies and terrorists. Johnny sighed as he stopped in front of a little small, squared space, with enough space for at least one tent. Now, he had to think of how he was going to do this, considering his legs don't work and he can only use his arms for the time being. He scratched his head, trying not to panic.
Just as he was about to guide Slow Dancer further, he heard a small thump before he looked behind him to find Valkyrie alone. And Gyro on the floor. Johnny's breath hitched as he tried to keep his nerves under control. Johnny wsa able to make Slow Dancer lower his head enough so he coule free his legs and crawl until he reached Gyro, who slammed on his side on the snow covered floor. He grasped underneath his armpits and pushed enough so both of them were in the little squared space. Fortunately, it did not have a lot of snow, mostly because it was covered by rather tall trees and it, at least, shielded them from the giant bits of snow.
That action alone was enough to make Johnny tired but he couldn't really stop now, so he crawled to Slow Dancer before, with a lot of effort, attached both of the horses straps to two single trees. He slowly reached his own and Gyro's bags, throwing them with a bit of force, since it was the only way he could get them. Whatever fragile object they had in there, had to wait for Gyro to recover for Johnny to care.
It took him about an hour to get the tent up and a small camp fire to warm them up. He had previously place a small blanket underneath Gyro before he pushed him inside of the tent for the time being.
Finally, when he had everything in order, he was able to sigh and breathe in, in peace, still deeply concerned by his own state of being. Of course, he had his own demons, but Gyro was severely sick behind him and something deep inside of him was clawing at his chest, a small lump was formed in his throat and his eyes burned with pain. He tried collecting a bit of snow, some of it to boil and drink, and some of it to place on top of Gyro's forehead in an effort to cool down his fever.
Johnny took his time trying to take Gyro's shirt off and just left him with his undershirt, completely soak through with sweat. His chest looked extremely pale and Johnny had to swallow another lump before he allowed himself to sob for a little bit. He was tired, he was exhausted, he was definitely afraid, oh so afraid of what might happen to him. For the second time of his life, he felt himself slip through the depressiveness of his feelings, afraid that another person he cared about would die. He had to give everything to stop it.
He moved the rag on his forehead a couple of times to keep him cool, Gyro would sometimes mumble a couple of words and phrases in italian, but Johnny didn't understand and he didn't give him too much thought.
After he made sure Gyro was asleep and safe inside of the tent, covered with both of their blankets, he stood in front of the small camp fire, in an effort to keep his hands and arms warm. Because he couldn't feel anything below his waist, he was afraid that he could potentially have frozen legs and not notice, but that became a worry in the back of his mind, and, for now, he had to make sure that Gyro was, at the very least, safe and sound. He picked up his tin cup, with leftover wine, and drank it to his heart's desire. At least the alcohol could help him cope with everything, in a way. It just came rushing in too soon, at the same time.
This time, he would do everything in his power so he would be okay, warm and... loved? Johnny felt his own face flush red at the thought. For the first time in a while, he was alone with his thought, unbothered by Gyro's sentences and rambles, he had to figure shit ou in his head and make up his mind. He didn't know how to describe his feelings, just the tenseness and closeness he has felt to Gyro for the last couple of months. They've grown closer and closer to the point that friendship was not enough to name what he had been feeling for his colleague. He was so much more than that, obviously.
At first, Johnny pushed it so behind his head, because the intense shame he felt inside of him was enough to make him hate himself. What was him? A queer?What was that? Feeling very attracted to another man, a man who became his closest friend in such a short amount of time, it was quite uncharacteristic of the time. He didn't want to be a queer, he didn't want to care, so he tried to not care. He tried to make himself smaller, something else that wasn't him and he couldn't do it. Instead, he'd cry everytime Gyro was close to death, anytime something happened to him, he would scream and cry as loud as his body could. He had no shame in that, he learned that there could not be a problem with him caring for Gyro.
He himself cried when his brother died, when he was shot, when he lost his ability to walk, to live in a sense, and he got it all back as soon as he joined the race and met a man named Gyro Zeppeli.
Johnny sighed before turning his head back to look at the small opening of the tent and the shape of Gyro's body inside. His chest rose and fell slowly, with a certain rythm, and Johnny was afraid it would flatter at any moment. He sniffed for a little bit before the first couple of tears fell from his eyes, then, it became a waterfall and everything fell on him.
His body shook with violence as he cried in the dark, in front of the small campfire, feeling ridiculous and ashamed, too small and too useless. If he could give his health to Gyro, he would have done it without a second thought. Sometimes his father's words worked inside of his mind "God took the wrong son." Sometimes he believed it, sometimes he wished that was the case, and now he just wants to leave the negative, to become 0.
He cried for what felt like hours as his suicidal ideations were pushed to the side, instead, he pushed himself close to the tent and just looked at Gyro. One hand lifted to touch his pale, sweaty cheek and Gyro groaned lowly. For a second, Johnny wanted to kiss his sweet, soft face and take away his worries and his pain. He placed his hand in his hair and pushed it back, from underneath his back and the soft blonde strands fell in waves above his head, on the ground. Johnny kept his hand there, scratching and petting the top of his head and forehead.
An insane thought ocurred inside of his mind and he suddenly paused, thinking about it. Pushing himself inside of the tent, right beside the lying man, he placed his lips on top of his forehead, without a kiss, just touching. He wanted to have an idea of what it felt like, at least at that distance. And then he laid down and leaned his head on his should, placing a hand on his arm, as if afraid to let him go.
It took him an hour or so to finally fall asleep, constantly worried he might stop breathing or that his heart would cease to beat. He was not ready for that, If that were to happen, he'd just off himself completely, there would be no reason for him to continue.
On the second and third day, Johnny felt the exhaustion take his body. The snow kept pilling up more and more as he tried to keep the fire, the tent and Gyro alive. By the second day, Gyro was more pale and would constantly cough. Such coughs were so aggressive, his entire body would shake in a way, Johnny was afraid he would break his ribs. But it stopped and, then, all he could hear, would be the laboured breaths of his friend. Johnny would place his lips on his forehead, to feel his temperature. The fever would not go down.
On the third day, he was visibly a little better. Johnny tried to make some soup with some food they had saved up and gave most of it to Gyro. He didn't need the soup, he needed Gyro to be alive. And so he persisted, changing the rags and even washing his body in the best way he could. By that point, the blankets were wet with his sweat, but it didn't matter.
By the fourth day, Gyro opened his eyes for the first time. His head pounded dramatically and he lifted a shaky hand to feel it. He found himself weak and confused by his sorroundings, not understanding what was happening and why it was happening. He laid there for minutes, or maybe an hour before he turned his head to the side, only to be obscured by blonde, curly strands of hair and a certain heaviness on his shoulder. His eyes turned down and so he saw Johnny half lying on top of him, half lying on the ground, one hand grasping his arm. His heart immediately started beating erratically as he finally underestood the situation. It wasn't sexual, he was just sick, but it might as well be as intimate as that. At first he didn't know what to do, but then he quickly decided to move, certain that Johnny probably needed to sleep.
Gyro couldn't exactly see what he looked like, but he could sense his exhaustion, too much at that moment. He took in his environment, clearly in a tent and some light coming from the outside. He sighed heavily before his chest shook with a couple of coughs, but nothing as heavy as his previous condition. He sighed and pushed himself to the side and then up, in an effort to keep himself up, but his movement was too much and Johnny felt it too, getting up quickly and immediately looking at him.
Johnny looked... destroyed. He had large eyebags, so dark you would've thought he had TB, his skin was so pale and devoid of any emotion. His clothes were as ruffled and messy as his hair, now uncovered by the usual beanie he had. It was nowhere to be seen. He looked at Gyro with such worry and emotion, wide-eyed, Gyro felt his inside melt and freeze all over again, trying to calm himself. Johnny looked around before he figured out what their position was, and scurried away from him before swallowing a thick lump.
Gyro could only look at him with a small smile on his face, taking everything in. He didn't negate himself, though, he looked at Johnny with such compassion that he felt embarassed. The smaller man looked back at him nervously and asked "Are you okay? Are you feeling well? What do you feel?" He even lifted a hand to get close to him, to see, but he stopped himself from touching his friend, Gyro noticed it immediately.
The taller man made a small effort to sit. "You took care of me."
Johnny looked at him strangely, as if that was a strange question to ask. "Why wouldn't I?" Gyro felt his body shake at that. "I could never leave you like that."
Gyro had to hide his smile by biting his own lip, his own cheeks reddening and his feelings bubbling. It has been a while. He knew that, somehow, Johnny was very close to him, he slept on top of him.
"You were by my side."
"I could never leave you, Gyro." Johnny chose the words carefully, in an effort to not let out his true feelings. The last few days were scary, the scariest since his brother died. He had enough. "Sorry... I was too close."
Gyro looked at him intensely, thinking and pondering inside. His mind was a mess of wonder and excitement, despite the pain he was still feeling. He moved his body to get closer to him, placing a hand in between them. Johnny shook a bit under the pressure of his eyes and leaned back a little bit. Gyro, of course, noticed.
"I can tell." He said, nothing else needed to be said.
Johnny looked at him confused.
"Johnny." He started. "If I don't say it now, I might regret it when I die." Johnny flinched at those words before looking back at him, confused.
"Gyro, you're still sick, please." He lifted his hand once again, to push Gyro, but all Gyro did was take his hand in his and look at him even more close. "Gyro, what are you doing?"
"Let's not pretend you don't understand." Gyro continued. "I feel for you what I would feel for a woman, maybe even more-"
"Gyro, you're sick, you're probably delirious!" Johnny was desperate, his heart was beating against his chest in both delight but fear, maybe fear that he was imagining it or maybe that he was making it all up in his head. Gyro was sick, he was definitely saying it because he was sick.
"Sickness is doint nothing in my heart-"
"Gyro, please." Johnny took his hand away from his and placed it on his chest, in an effort to push him away. The tears were already gathering in his eyes and flowing in his cheeks. "It's not possible, th-this is not possible, incorrect!"
"Don't fucking tell me that when you took me, carried me for how long and slept with me." Johnny eyes bulged out of his head and he shook his head, trying to deny it. If he didn't know, if he didn't think about it, it never happened. As much as he was delighted in being close to Gyro and touching him, he knew the circumstances of their lives and their time. It wasn't possible. They couldn't love.
"Don't try to delude me into believing that, you are doing a diservice to my heart and I fear I might not forgive you if you're just saying this to lie!" Johnny spoke loudly. By that point, his tears were constant, dropping on the floor beneath him. He was shaking seriously and avoiding eye contact with Gyro.
"I would never fucking lie about this, you know me more than anyone in this fucking continent. Don't you dare accuse me of lying when I am telling you this at such a vulnerable place, I could die!" Gyro shouted even louder. He grasped Johnny's shirt with strength he didn't know he possessed at that moment, sick out of his mind. Johnny sobbed harder, still avoiding eye contact. "I feel for you what I never felt before for anybody else. So, please, Johnny, spare me that bullshit and just admit it yourself."
Johnny just sobbed for the duration of the silence that imposed on both of them, feeling useless and ashamed. His body swayed side to side in an effort to lure himself back to normal, but the feelings just kept coming, and the guilt and the shame. All in between to make him feel as worse as possible, almost as a repetition back to the day he became paralyzed.
"I do not care for what people have to say, I run away from my home as a wanted man, I am ready to take on the world." Gyro coughed at that moment and Johnny lifted his head in worry. "So tell me."
For a moment, nothing was said but only their breaths could be heard, Gyro's ragged breath and Johnny's hitched one, from the sobbing and hiccups. Gyro sighed, frustrated, and ended up lying down once again, waiting. Only a few moments later, he felt Johnny crawl back to his side and slowly place his head on top of his chest, his lips touching his sternum.
"I think I love you, Gyro." Johnny murmured under his breath. Gyro lifted his hand to touch him in the head, playing with his strands of hair in between his fingers, feeling the softness. "And I don't know how to cope with that." Johnny closed his eyes, engaging with the feeling of his friend's fingers in his hair and let his head fall forward. "I was so afraid."
Gyro shushed him and pushed him up until they were both lying next to each other, looking into each others eyes. They laid like that for what seemed like hours, the apologies came later, words that never needed to be said, but through their eyes. "I was so afraid that you could die, I'd end up alone and then..." Johnny stopped for a moment. "Then I'd be alone and I don't think I have the ability to reach 0 on my own." Gyro understood that because he himself went through that, several times faced himself with the negative, not knowing how to come out of it. Johnny went through so much on his own that Gyro felt like it was an insult to compare themselves, but he didn't mind, he wanted to be there, at the very least, right next to him.
"It's okay..." Gyro whispered.
Johnny's sobbing calmed down a bit and lifted his head. "I wish to never leave your side. I don't care."
"I love you." Gyro whispered again. Johnny got closer and closer. And then their lips touched in a sweet, short kiss. A kiss they had been waiting for way too long. For a few more hours, they just engaged in soft kisses and capable hugs, neither of them had the strength to do much more than that. But Johnny was able to take care of Gyro, he nursed him back to health. Their relationship became a secret, but it became an exciting secret both of them shared with no one else, it was between them and God. They made sure nothing else could come in between, they had waited for way too long.