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Three years after his Mission had reached its conclusion, Shi Mei found himself starting to enjoy his life for the very first time ever since he saw his mother die.
He wouldn’t say he was happy, for his worst nightmares kept haunting him in his sleep and the guilt always found a way to crawl into his thoughts, never setting him completely free; but that felt right, like it was what he deserved. These punitions helped to settle him.
Shi Mei thought he was feeling peaceful.
Travelling through villages, helping those in need, bringing as much joy as he could to the people who had never done him any wrong was bringing him peace. Like he had finally understood what his real purpose in life was.
Like he had finally come to understand that he could help the world without making it sink into an ocean of flames and destruction.
Peace wasn’t something he had grown accustomed to, though it was everything he had ever dreamed of. He didn’t need to always be overanalyzing his surroundings, looking for every single possible thing that could become a threat to him anymore. He didn’t have to follow the orders of a man who claimed to know better than him, who only viewed him as another pawn for him to use to accomplish the most horrible deeds.
He found that people weren’t always so selfish and hurtful. Most of the time, they were, actually, quite nice with him. Sometimes they even offered him a roof to sleep under for the night and food for his travels in exchange for some medicinal herbs.
He refused to stay in the same place for too long though. He couldn’t let himself build a home. He had lost that right at some point in his life; if it was when he decided to plant that flower in the chest of an innocent man or when he betrayed his other self along with his whole clan, that he wasn’t sure.
By being constantly moving, he didn’t need to state his identity, or to create a new one once again. He was nothing but a passing spectre who helped people and he would disappear as quickly as he appeared wherever and whenever he was needed.
(He didn’t have the right to get a proper identity and be recognized for his good deeds anyway, for he was a sinner and this was his repentance.)
That was more freeing than he had ever imagined, not having to uphold expectations.
Those people wouldn’t know him as Shi Mingjing, or as Hua Binan.
They wouldn’t expect him to be ever so delicate, gentle, polite and perfect.
And they also wouldn’t know he had once been so shameful, cruel, hateful and monstrous.
In another lifetime, he had become a creature he himself couldn’t recognize as a part of him anymore. The resentment he held so dear and close to his heart had once been the only thing keeping him moving forward, along with the fear that kept his limbs always running because he once had been nine years old and really only a little kid who hadn’t known that much about life because a child is supposed to be kept innocent and away from bad things but he had opened that door because he had been hearing these terrifying, disturbing, inhumane, hoarse screams which couldn’t possibly have been something other than a desperate and urgent cry for help from his beloved mother and the view it brought him was so, so—
“Daifu!” A voice ripped him from his wandering thoughts.
Shi Mei had been quietly resting alone in his room when the villager to whom the voice belonged stormed into his loaned-for-a-few-nights quarters. It was Lü Canhua, a young joyful lady with a very expressive loud voice, her perfume always leaving a sweet trail behind her. She had very kindly invited him to stay in her late parents’ quarters as soon as she had learned he was a blind doctor when he had reached the village yesterday.
Only a few breaths later she continued, “There’s a bunch of people who just arrived in the village, one of them is hurt! Is it possible that you could help them?”
Shi Mei got up in a second and started walking towards her. “Would you be so kind as to bring me to them, Lü-guniang?”
He was led by the young lady through the streets and houses before reaching a place of commotion where a lot of voices could be heard:
“Why did you even try to go fight it alone, you dumbass?!” a first young voice shouted.
“How was I even supposed to know it was that strong?” was answered through clenched teeth, as if the kid speaking was in pain.
“Well, you should have known! You just embarrassed yourself and all of us in front of zongzhu!!” a third disciple spoke.
The chatterings made Shi Mei smile despite himself, reminding him of a time where he had two boys constantly bickering beside him and he had to play the tempering part, although he was anything but a tempered man. Each time it happened, Shi Mei couldn’t help but feel extremely annoyed at the two idiots but also at himself for being unable to shut them up for good, else he would seem way too out of character. But seeing it from an outside point of view for the first time, he couldn’t help but think that they really were just some harmless kids.
“Xue-zongzhu isn’t gonna allow us to go on a night hunt with him until we’re… like… grown up or something…”
At the sound of that name, Shi Mei froze. For the first time since he had done it, Shi Mei regretted ever cutting his own eyes. Had he been able to see the blue robes those kids were wearing, he never would have made the mistake of getting close to disciples of Sisheng Peak. Would any of them recognize him? He hadn’t stepped in the mountains of his former Sect for a while now, surely such young disciples couldn’t know about him… right?
Having stopped in his tracks, Lü Canhua let out a confused sound, probably wondering what was wrong. He couldn’t bring himself to answer her or do anything really; panic was starting to rise inside him, fear paralyzing his limbs. He hadn’t been prepared to face people who had lost so much because of him this soon. The sound around him began to fade, slowly disappearing behind a faint high-pitched buzz; when an oh-so familiar voice pierced through it.
“Shi Mei?!”
Shi Mei broke into cold sweat. His heart was beating hard and fast in his rib cage. “...Young master,” he breathed without him knowing. Fighting hard to recompose himself, he turned towards the voice and bowed low. “Xue-zongzhu,” he greeted, his voice only slightly wavering.
Hard and quick steps were taken in his direction and before Shi Mei had the time to react, the Young mas— the Sect leader –He isn’t the Young master anymore, he tried to remind himself, -since his ever-so-kind-hearted parents died because of me– took him by the arms.
“Shi Mei! Please, where have you been? Please do not bow to me!” He sounded desperate.
Shi Mei tried to extract himself from his grasp on his forearms, but as soon as he did so, the Young master reinforced his hold and whimpered “Don’t leave, please!”
Was he going to snap at him? Hurt him? Punch him? Insulting him for being the cause of all his sufferings? That would only be right. Though Shi Mei wasn’t sure he was prepared for it right now.
He wouldn’t say he had ever liked the Young master, he always was so clueless about the world around him, about the people close to him. He never noticed anything, always so centered around his own person… A spoiled brat, really. But he didn’t hate him, and hurting him was one of the last things he had wanted.
“I heard some junior was hurt, Xue-zongzhu,” he said, trying to reason with him.
“What?” the Young master very intelligently quacked. “Oh… Right.” He let go of his arms slowly.
Shi Mei finally took a breath. He turned to walk towards the still bickering children. He could feel the following stare of the Young master on him as he reached them, but paid him no mind.
“Okay, what do we have here?” he asked with his most gentle voice.
The kids ended up explaining to him what had happened while they helped transport their hurt friend to Shi Mei’s room. They were on a night hunt with Xue-zongzhu –Shi Mei was a bit surprised at that, although it did look like the Young master to do as he see fit, it still wasn’t really common for a Sect leader to go on a night hunt, especially with juniors– tracking a corrupted beast when one of them tried to impress their Sect leader by trying to beat the beast all on their own. Xue-zongzhu had managed to get there on time at the last moment to save them from an obvious death.
Following his orders, they brought the junior to Shi Mei’s bed and he began to examine the child’s injury. They honestly weren’t that much in a bad state, only one shoulder was damaged, but had the Young master not been quick enough, the junior would have been pierced right through the head instead of the shoulder. As it was for now, Shi Mei just needed to take care of it so it wouldn’t get infected, let the kid rest a little and then they’ll be able to return home with the rest of their group.
Once everything was done, he turned around and bowed to the Sect leader watching him across the room, leaning on the frame of the door, “This one has done what was necessary for the injury. I shall recommend the child to rest for a while before taking off. I will give you some ointment to administer regularly if you do not possess it already.”
“No, it’s alright… We have some.”
“If that is all, I will be retiring.”
“But… Isn’t that your room, where would you want to go?”
Anywhere away from you, Young master, thought Shi Mei.
But he said, “There is a side chamber I have been granted access to.”
The Sect leader was silent for a moment, then sheepishly asked “...Please allow me to come with you?”
…Did he know how pitiful he sounded? Acting in such a way in front of his disciples… Was Xue Ziming not supposed to be a proud and powerful cultivator? Did he have no dignity? Why did he want to speak to him so much? Well, that’s probably to reprimand you, don’t you think? an inner voice reminded him.
As reluctant as he was to have an actual conversation with him, he just couldn’t bring himself to refuse the Young master this. He knew he owed him explanations.
Shi Mei deeply sighed and nodded.
“Alright, follow me.”
Xue Meng certainly hadn’t expected anything from that night hunt.
The juniors had been eager to go with him for a while now –Zongzhu, you’re so strong and cool!! We want to go with you!!!–, and his Elders all thought stepping outside of Sisheng Peak would do him great, because he was apparently “crumbling under the stress”, whatever that meant. Of course he was going to be stressed and pressured! He had to start leading a Sect overnight when he wasn’t really that prepared for it! It’s not like his father had planned to die and to leave the reins to Xue Meng so soon!
So he had finally agreed to go track some random creatures haunting villages the Upper Cultivation world still didn’t give a damn for. He was willing to admit the Elders were right, but only on a certain lever. Yes, being outside definitely helped him to think of something else than all the administration bullshit and responsibilities his new role as a Sect leader gave him, and getting to a task as simple as killing some monsters was indeed reminiscent of a simpler time; but having to take care of a dozens of juniors all alone was too much to ask of him!
What were they thinking?! Honestly he was barely an adult himself! Always so childish and fragile, never understanding or noticing anything –always left behind.– How was he supposed to look for other human beings?
So, of course, one of them got hurt.
Well I guess if it didn’t happen I wouldn’t have met him.
Seeing Shi Mei for the first time after years was like finally returning home. Because they had always been four. Never three. Even less only one.
Right now, his former best friend was seated on a low table across from him, silently pouring tea into two cups. Neither of them spoke for a while, not knowing how to start the conversation. Shi Mei gave him his cup, and Xue Meng sipped at it for a bit. It wasn’t sweet at all, in fact it was very bitter. Does Shi Mei really like this kind of tea?
The earlier panic and desperation of seeing his former friend having faded, Xue Meng put his cup back on the table and started observing Shi Mei more closely.
He was dressed in fine light green robes, not that different from the ones he might have worn when he was younger, especially when he was studying under the Guyueye Sect. His skin was still as pale as jade, contrasting with the dark brown of his hair, always half worn up in a bun and half let down. He truly was beautiful. The only things that proved everything had changed were the white ribbon hiding his now injured peach blossom eyes from the rest of the world and his entire demeanour. It was completely different from how he used to behave. His ever so soft smile was absent, his jaw and fist were clenched, his shoulders tensed. Where a gentle voice would have asked Xue Meng what was wrong, here he was only met with a deafening silence.
It seemed his own extending silence was only making Shi Mei tense even more as the minutes were passing. It was almost like…
Is Shi Mei afraid of me? Xue Meng suddenly wondered, worried.
“Are you alright?” he finally asked.
Surprise spread on Shi Mei’s face. “I am alright, Xue-zongzhu,” he replied kindly, the tension on his shoulders not yet disappearing
“Uh…” Xue Meng continued, since Shi Mei visibly wasn’t going to, “What have you been up to?”
Shi Mei seemed genuinely confused by his question, his mouth slightly parting and his brows furrowing.
“I have been… travelling?”
“Where to? Since when?” Xue Meng quickly asked.
Shi Mei opened his mouth, then closed it. Then he opened it again. “Young master,” he started. “Are you… perhaps trying to catch up with me?”
Xue Meng felt heat rising on his face. Of course, I’m trying to catch up with you!! What else am I supposed to be doing?! Just help me with it, please!
“Well… It’s been a while and you kind of just disappeared after… After everything happened so…” he took a breath. “Yeah. I guess I am trying to catch up with you.”
He didn’t get an answer for a while, Shi Mei seemed deep in thought. He took a sip of his tea, then carefully replied, “I left two or three weeks after we had last seen each other. I have been wandering through villages ever since.”
“Why didn’t you come back to Sisheng Peak?” he immediately asked.
“Why would I come back?” Shi Mei replied, as if what Xue Meng was asking made absolutely no sense at all.
…For me? For us? For all of us? Why would you even leave…?
Xue Meng felt tears filling his eyes. Stop fucking crying, you idiot! he snapped at himself. Xue Meng desperately felt the need to grow up, but it seemed it was really impossible for him to be mature enough. He exhaled slowly, trying to calm his nerves, and decided to make the conversation about his own loneliness for now. He had questions he wanted to be answered.
“Well, I know that you…” he trailed off, “I mean… Two years ago Shizun and Mo Ran wrote me some stuff… And it was awfully confusing, that damn mutt is the worst writer–” Starting to criticize his cousin was a far more familiar field for him to speak without feeling like he was literally walking on eggs but he was unfortunately cut off.
“Wait. Mo Ran is alive?” Shi Mei asked, unbelieving.
“...Yeah? Why would you think he was dead?”
Shi Mei was silent for a moment.
“It hadn’t seemed like he was going to make it through the night, last time I saw him,” he finally said, turning his head away, as if averting his gaze.
So that meant Shi Mei had encountered Mo Ran in a pretty bad state. Perhaps after what happened to him at Tianyin Pavillion? Xue Meng didn’t really know what to make of this information. He would definitely have asked more questions about it if he didn’t have a more pressing matter in mind.
…He had, at some point, wanted to be very careful about how to bring up that specific topic, but Xue Meng was never known to be careful, and so he blurted out “You’re a Butterfly Boned Beauty Feast, right?”
Shi Mei flinched at those words. If he was standing he would definitely have taken a step back.
The Sect leader rapidly recognized his mistake and quickly added “I’m not gonna tell anyone! I’m not as dumb and naïve as I once was. It’s just… Well, it’s a big thing! And I wasn’t even aware of it even though I claimed myself your friend!”
Shi Mei didn’t answer, he was just frozen, barely breathing.
“...I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to say it like that,” he said apologetically. “I’m also sorry I wasn’t aware of it in the past. I’m sorry I didn’t make efforts to get to truly know you.” He quickly added, “You probably didn’t even feel safe around me to share those things anyway.”
He couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to keep such an enormous secret from everyone. Although he really did believe his father and the rest of the Sect would have supported and protected Shi Mei had he ever revealed his identity, he couldn’t blame him for not taking the risk. After all, their world had behaved in a monstrous way towards the demonic clan for thousands of years. Why would he believe his Sect to be any different?
“You know,” Xue Meng continued, “I never really had friends. I mean, I was too immature to really try to get some anyway. Who would even like someone who claimed themselves the strongest and the most beautiful compared to others?” he let out a wet ironic laugh at that, progressively feeling overwhelmed. “And when you started studying under Shizun… I think I thought it was only natural for you to become my friend. And…” his voice began to waver, his eyes starting to water once again. He was losing track of what he had actually wanted to say. “You know… It’s just… There was me, my father, my mother and then Shizun, you and Ge and… I couldn’t keep a single one of you and I’m so sorry–” he choked on his words and let out a hiccup of a sob.
There. He was shamefully crying when this wasn’t supposed to be about him. Clearly his position in all of this wasn’t the worst at all. Yes, he did lose everyone, but so what? He didn’t have any sufferings in his childhood like Mo Ran or Shi Mei. He didn’t get tortured or suffer any physical damage. He didn’t have to live with all the horrible stuff of the first timeline haunting him or whatever other bullshit all that was about.
He was still sobbing when Shi Mei eventually spoke up.
“I am sorry for the hurt I have brought you. To learn the loss of your parents has pained me greatly and I can not do anything to ever repair the suffering it has caused you, and for that I deeply apologize.” He bowed low to him, forehead on the ground.
“But that wasn’t your fault!” Xue Meng nearly shouted. “You don’t have anything to do with the death of my parents. They sacrificed themselves because I was too weak to protect myself! The blame relies entirely on the people who attacked us and my own uselessness.”
“Perhaps. But this situation was still brought by my actions.”
“Frankly I don’t think I care. This all but showed the hypocrisy of the other Sects and the people my father worked so hard to protect all his life.”
Shi Mei rose from his bow, his lips were pressed in a thin line, as if restraining himself from expressing the turmoil of emotions this conversation was making him feel.
He searched for his words for a little while.
“I don’t blame the Young master for his actions towards me. Our relationship was doomed, because of my evil intentions, from the start,” he eventually said, deciding to answer his previous apologies rather than acknowledge the fact that Xue Meng didn’t blame him.
“Did you have evil intentions towards me?” Xue Meng still felt his voice slightly trembling, but his own quivers and sobs had stopped, though tears were still endlessly pouring from his eyes.
“Not directly, I suppose. Though to be fair, anyone was being considered as a potential weapon for me to use at some point,” he replied with a faint apologetic smile.
“What do you mean?”
“...My—” Shi Mei cut off and took a deep breath. “My mother had created a plan to get us all home.” He clenched his robes into his fists, lowered his head and muttered, “...It doesn’t matter anymore.”
His mother?
…Alright. Xue Meng guessed he could drop that subject for now. It probably wouldn’t be appreciated to keep going and would bring them to an impasse.
“When you say ‘us all’, you’re talking about your clan?”
“I am,” he answered through clenched teeth.
Okay, that did correspond with what he had put together from Mo Ran’s letters. Shi Mei wasn’t some ‘evil guy’ who had fooled them all along; he had a noble objective, Shi Mei wasn’t that different from the one he had always known! He was still very kind and with a big heart! I mean, apparently he still did something terrible to Ge but… Oh, speaking of Mo Ran—
“Earlier, you said Ge was in a bad state the last time you saw him. What did you mean?”
Shi Mei sighed. “Shizun wanted to save Mo Ran, so I freed Shizun from where he was imprisoned. Then, later on, Taxian-jun found his way back to him, so I had to stop him from bothering Shizun.”
“What do you mean Shizun was imprisoned?!”
“...Hua Binan kept him locked in a room for days. I could only wait for him to leave, for me to help him break out,” he said quietly, deeply ashamed.
“...Right. Hua Binan.” Shi Mei stiffened when Xue Meng pronounced that name. “I forgot about that… Would you prefer to be called by your birth–” he wasn’t allowed to continue the question.
“Please don’t.” Shi Mei’s voice was hard, uncharacteristically so. “Please call me Shi Mei or Shi Mingjing.” Then, more sheepishly, he added, “Actually, you don’t have to call me anything, if you don’t want to…”
“Okay, Shi Mei,” Xue Meng replied, smiling. “So, you saved Shizun and you helped him save Ge.”
“I wouldn’t phrase it like that. I only tried to repair the damages I myself had done, as best as I could. In the end, Shizun still got hurt and Mo Ran still lost his core.”
“But if you didn’t do anything, Mo Ran might have died and I don’t know what would have happened to Shizun.”
Shi Mei chose to stay silent. So Xue Meng continued, still smiling, “I am glad you helped them, thank you.”
Shi Mei clenched his jaw and nodded once in acknowledgment.
At that moment, someone knocked on the door. Shi Mei instantly relaxed and called out, “You can come in.”
A young woman entered the room. She was the one Xue Meng had found Shi Mei with when he first saw him. She was a small woman, probably only reaching Xue Meng’s chin. What struck him first were her immaculate white robes, almost like Shizun’s, but these weren’t cultivator robes. These were funeral clothes, really. Except she had a trace of light purple in her hair, that didn’t seem like a funeral thing to wear. She had a round face and big curious black eyes, her hair was loose down her back, only a few strands kept in the light purple ribbon at the back of her head. Her thick and short eyebrows made her emotions extremely readable, right now, she seemed happy.
“The kid just woke up! They seemed a bit better from what I could tell?” Lü Canhua said.
“Thank you for telling me. I’m going to check on them right away,” Shi Mei answered and then turned towards Xue Meng. “Xue-zongzhu, this has been an interesting conversation. I will ask for some privacy with my patient, but know you should probably be able to take off very soon,” he said as a clear dismissal.
Xue Meng felt a cold pit filling his stomach. Really? So soon? You barely even said anything the whole time! Do you really wish so much to not speak to me? Shi Mei bowed and started walking towards the door. It couldn’t just end like this, he couldn’t fail this too!
“Shi Mei! Will you write me letters after I go?” he blurted out without thinking.
Shi Mei chuckled a bit, letting Xue Meng see his real smile for the first time since he got here. “Did you forget, Young master?” he said, agitating his hand before his face, specifically before the white ribbon covering his eyes.
“Oh! Shit, I’m so sorry— I didn’t mean—” His face felt like fire. “Could you just— I don’t know… I don’t know. Please can we just stay in contact?” he begged, his voice almost a whisper at the end.
Shi Mei sighed heavily. “Just go, Young master,” he said, sounding exasperated.
Xue Meng felt extremely defeated and didn’t want to leave it at that, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to convince him. And he really didn’t want to force Shi Mei to act like his friend when he clearly didn’t want his friendship. “...I’m sorry,” he said with a thick voice and then almost ran through the door, bypassing Shi Mei –and the young lady with him– before he could be the one to leave first once again.
He felt hot tears roll down his cheeks as he left the building. He had to hide, he couldn’t let any disciple see him in this state and he didn’t seem to be able to stop his sobbing. Even if his disciples seemed to oddly look up at him, watching your Sect leader crying like a baby surely would reduce this image to craps.
He picked Longcheng and flew towards the nearest forest so no one would disturb him. He leaned his back on a tree, then slid down until he sat on the ground. He hugged his sword close to his chest, the one his Ge had reforged just for him, and then cried and cried and cried.
It’s alright, it’s alright, he kept telling himself, almost as a mantra, slowly soothing him. It wasn’t the end of the world. He had seen a literal end of the world, after all. He would know what it looked like. This was just someone abandoning him, again. But it’s alright. He is a Sect leader, he is strong. He isn’t even so alone anymore. He got his Shizun and his cousin back, even if they didn’t see each other that often. There were still two very annoying blond twins visiting him from time to time. There were also his juniors which he loved very much, he hoped they would be able to grow up safely. He wasn’t alone. It’s alright, it’s alright.
He continued crying until the sky started to turn pink. Then, he dried his tears, got up, unwrinkled his robes with his hands, and he returned to the village to get his juniors back.
Xue Meng didn’t succeed today. Maybe he wouldn’t succeed later either. But he would try again, as soon as the chance showed up.
After the Young master and the children took off, Shi Mei stayed hidden in his room for a long time. He wasn’t doing anything, he just sat there in a lotus pose, his back leaning on the bed. He wasn’t really feeling anything, his limbs were numb, his thoughts were wandering endlessly, time didn’t mean anything.
He thought he heard someone calling for him. But the voice was distant, he couldn’t distinguish any words. After a time, the voice disappeared and he was met by an ominous silence. It wasn’t like he could hear the birds sing or hear the small chatterings of the villagers down the street. There just wasn’t any noise. Like, at all.
Though Shi Mei had grown accustomed to being blind, in these kinds of moments, the pitch black was absolutely dreadful. But no matter how much he started to panic, his attempts to move got him nowhere. He was just stuck. Like he was paralyzed.
What was happening?
He tried taking deep breaths. He knew sometimes too much stress could make the body behave strangely, though that was the first time he experienced this. He had had some weird attacks, where he couldn’t stop hyperventilating and felt like he was going to die. Those would usually happen when his plan was about one misstep from falling apart or when he would wake up from a horrible nightmare. But never had he felt like he was stuck out of his body, unable to interact with the world around him. Perhaps this had to do with his new blindness? Like his body still struggled to adapt to a missing sense? It didn’t seem to make much sense but was that really just a reaction to seeing the Young master all of a sudden after three years?
This discussion had really punched him. He couldn’t understand why the Young master wasn’t more angry with him. Why he had almost been nice— no, gentle to him. He had been gentle to him. Like he was feeling empathetic with him. Surely he had misunderstood a few things. Surely he didn’t understand who Shi Mei really was. Perhaps he had already forged a new version of him, which maybe wasn’t Shi Mingjing his kind shidi but just another form of that masquerade, like Shi Mei the poor butterfly boned beauty feast, as if he was to be pitied.
Couldn’t he be free of that prison? He didn’t want to be that person, or any person Xue Meng might create, really.
The spiraling only helped him getting more and more stuck, more and more disconnected. He couldn’t catch his breath anymore.
So he didn’t hear when his room’s door opened, or when someone entered the room.
“You’re alright. You’re alright,” a soothing voice said, not far from him, at his height. “Take a breath with me?”
Lü Canhua started exaggerating her breaths, to let Shi Mei copy her. He did as such, and slowly he regained control of his body, though he still felt extremely numb. He also wasn’t able to talk.
“Try touching things around to reanchor yourself, please? It might help.”
Shi Mei touched the floor, then his own robes, then the edge of the bed behind him and then his face. He wasn’t sure it was really helping, but he still did it.
“Alright, you’re doing great,” she said very kindly. “I tried to bring you your food earlier but you weren’t answering so I left the trail on your doorstep. Should I get it before it starts getting too cold?”
He shook his head, he didn’t feel hungry.
Lü Canhua could probably read his thoughts. “Okay, that’s alright for now. But I’ll make a new pot later so it’s hot again, then you will have to eat it whether you want it or not. You wouldn’t want me to waste that much food.” Then she asked, “Do you mind if I play the xiao?”
Shi Mei really wanted her to leave, actually. But he didn’t feel like talking so he just shook his head and tried to reanchor himself once more by taking deep breaths and stretching his limbs, trying to feel his body.
She then started to play. It was a calm and happy piece. Not really how he imagined her, she seemed more like a girl full of endless energy. But it did help him, so he appreciated it. At one point, Shi Mei really was starting to feel better. He was incredibly tired, but felt more calm than anxious.
“Okay!” she exclaimed and then Shi Mei could hear her getting up. “I’m gonna get you food, and then we’ll see what we’ll do!” she stated and then got out of the room, leaving him alone as he wanted.
As soon as she left, Shi Mei started to realize what had just happened. Honestly, he was feeling kind of mad right now. He wasn’t the kind to get vulnerable in front of someone, even less in front of a stranger. As much as he was thankful to her, he very much didn’t want to deal with her anymore.
So when she came back with a new trail, Shi Mei dismissed her, “Thank you for your help, Lü-guniang. I will be fine from now on.”
But Lü Canhua apparently wouldn’t hear it. “Hm… No, I don’t think you will. Let’s talk a bit?”
Shi Mei clicked his tongue. His mood was starting to go really bad. “Talk about what?” he snapped.
“Daifu, I’m not trying to upset you, don’t get me wrong. I only wish to give some advice I would have liked to hear when I needed to.”
He didn’t answer. Apparently everyone today just wanted him to go through the suffering of speaking to people he clearly didn’t want to talk to.
She continued despite his silence. “The cultivator guy who was there earlier— a Sect leader, if I understood correctly? He didn’t seem like a bad guy— well, I mean… I guess you can never know when a guy is evil… But! He really seemed desperate to speak with you.” She chuckled for a bit. “I think you should write him letters, give him a second chance.”
“What do you know?” he said, voice flat. “Also, did you forget I’m blind too?”
“You could always ask someone to write the letter for you. How do you think illiterate people read or write messages or letters when they need to?” She paused. “But you’re right. I don’t know anything, so feel free to ignore me, especially if he is secretly an asshole!” Then she said more quietly, “I just really hate when people give up on others.”
This hit hard. But Shi Mei gritted his teeth and stayed silent.
“Okay, I’m gonna leave it at that. I’ll be in my rooms if you need anything. Leave the trail on the stepdoor when you’re finished eating, I’ll go fetch it later. I wish you a good night.”
Then she left, probably expecting him to not answer her once again (and she would have been right.)
Shi Mei stayed unmoving for a bit. Then he ate, put his trail on his doorstep, got himself prepared to go to bed and decidedly didn’t think about anything that happened today. He fell asleep absolutely not thinking about the Young master’s numerous “sorry” he pronounced with a pitiful voice each time, the peacock that he once was totally forgotten. He wasn’t thinking about poor Young master and all his “please” as if Shi Mei was someone worth begging for. He definitely didn’t think about how he was “giving up” on him, abandoning him.
He started dreaming and thought, maybe, he would send a letter one day.