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"I saw the gun."
"What gun?"
"From the shooting?" Philip answered. "I saw where it is, I can show you."
Helen opened his eyes in shock. She breathed deeply and replied quickly.
"Take me there."
He nodded. Something was bothering Philip, something about Lukas…
I just want it to end…
He swallowed hard. There was something to do before that, before it was too late.
"Later, okay? We have to go." Lukas had been unstable for far too long. His message, along with his behaviour the past week, had sparked an uneasy feeling in Philip's chest.
"Where?" Helen asked.
"Lukas'," Philip said hurriedly. "Come on," he added, running to the car.
They reached the Waldenbeck house in record time, with Helen driving swiftly while Philip looked outside the window. He was biting his lip and fidgeting, his restless leg jumping up and down. As soon as they arrived Philip jumped out of the car, scanning the land for a sign of Lukas. He spotted his unmistakeable blond hair a few feet away.
Lukas was sitting on the ground, head down and eyes hidden behind strands of hair. He hadn't looked up, not even when the car had approached, and Philip feared for the worst. He ran up to him, panicking.
This can't be happening...
There was no blood in sight, for which Philip sighed in relief. The gun was lying on Lukas' lap, having apparently been retrieved from the water by Lukas. He was staring at it, hands made into fists on his sides. Philip dropped to his knees in front of the boy, who finally looked up.
His eyes were terrified, puffy and bloodshot from crying. His face crumbled as soon as he saw Philip, and he let out a sob.
Philip grabbed the gun from his lap and threw it away. They watched as it fell on the grass, a few feet away from them. Lukas sobbed again.
Philip threw his arms around Lukas' middle and enveloped him in a tight hug. He expected the boy to fight back, push him away, but Lukas leaned into him and gripped his hoodie tightly. Philip was grateful Helen and Gabe had kept their distance. He feared their presence would make Lukas recoil.
"Sorry," Lucas muttered against Philip's chest. Philip squeezed him tighter, trying to comfort the crying boy. "I'm so sorry…"
"Shh, it's okay," Philip assured him without letting go. "You're okay."
Lukas' sobs quieted down after a few minutes, and Philip moved away to look at him.
"Is your dad home?" He asked quietly.
Lukas shook his head.
"Do you maybe want to go inside?"
"What are Helen and Gabe doing here?" Lukas asked suddenly, noticing for the first time the two adults watching them from outside the car.
Philip sighed, mentally preparing himself for another freak-out.
"I told them you were at the cabin. I know," he said before Lukas could interrupt him, "you asked me not to, but honestly, you can't go on like this. Look at you."
Lukas was looking at him with wide, terrified eyes.
"Can we go inside? I’ll tell them to wait out here. We can sort you out and talk a little, you can scream at me if you like," he added, trying to sound reassuring. "But Helen is going to want to talk to you after. I'll help you in anything I can."
Lukas seemed to think about it for a second, but he finally nodded. Philip got up and walked swiftly towards his foster parents and asked them to give them a moment. They exchanged a worried glance but ultimately agreed. Lukas was already heading inside.
Philip caught up with him at the door and led him upstairs. Once they were inside Lukas' room, he picked up a t-shirt from the pile in the wardrobe and threw it at Lukas.
"Put it on."
Lukas followed his order on autopilot and sat on the bed. Silence fell between the two, and Philip knew he had to be the one to break it.
"What the hell were you thinking?" He asked, half angry, half anxious.
"I wasn't," Lukas said, as if it wasn't obvious. "I just wanted it to stop."
Philip run his fingers through his hair, looking around the room nervously. His gaze fell on Lukas. His not-boyfriend was sitting on the bed, looking down and biting his lip as if he was trying not to cry.
Philip let his arms fall to his sides and looked at him for a moment.
"You do know that gun has no bullets, right?" He asked as an afterthought.
"What?" Lukas asked, looking up in confusion.
"The gun," Philip repeated. "You emptied it on the deer that night, remember?"
Realisation downed on Lukas and he opened his eyes widely.
"Oh."
Philip sat down next to him on the bed.
"I'm an idiot," Lukas whispered.
"Well," Philip said jokingly, but was only met with quiet. “You’re just scared. I understand."
Lukas gulped, eyes going back to his lap. Philip's leg was pressed against Lukas', comforting and grounding him.
"What exactly did you tell Helen?" He asked.
"That you were at the cabin that night. That you told me everything, and showed me the gun. That you didn't want me to tell her because of the sponsors." Lukas covered his face with his hands, groaning, "Nobody blames you. Helen just wants to take your statement. Everything is going to be fine."
"Nothing is fine," Lukas corrected. "Nothing has been fine since that night."
They grew quiet again. Philip run the past few weeks over through his head, and concluded that Lukas was right.
"You can't do that to me again, you know," he whispered brokenly. "If something happens to you, I—"
"I'm sorry," Lukas apologised again. He took Philip's hand in his and squeezed. "Okay, I'm ready. Let's go down."
"What are you gonna tell her?" Philip asked while getting up.
"We are gonna tell her," Lukas corrected him, and it made Philip turn around. "And we'll tell her the truth. About the murderer, about Tommy, about—" He hesitated. "About us."
Philip looked up at Lukas in wander. How many times had he dreamed about Lukas saying something like that?
"Because you're right." Lukas cupped Philip's face with his hands. "I can't keep this up. And I can't do this to you again. This is the only way to end it all."
Lukas leaned down and kissed Philip, soft and sweet and full of promises. Their foreheads pressed against each other.
"Are you sure?" Philip asked, even though he dreaded the answer.
"Not really. But there's no other way." Lukas sighed. "And I should tell my dad, before Helen or Gabe do. God, he's going to kill me."
"It'll be fine," Philip assured.
"You'll be there, right?" Lukas asked, voice losing the confidence it had moments before.
"Of course."
They kissed again, deeper than before. Tongues met without hurry, pressing against each other while they breathed in sync.
A sense of dread filled the room. It was clear; this was the calm before the storm. They savoured every second of the kiss, not knowing when they would get the chance of being alone again. When they parted, Philip smiles secretively at Lukas, who smiled back.
In a show of courage, Lukas took Philip's hand and interlocked their fingers. Lukas pulled at their joined hands, dragging the boy outside the room. Philip smiled at Lukas' nape as they went down the stairs. Even during the darkest of time, things seemed to be looking up.
There would be more time to talk about their relationship in the future. For now, they had a murderer to catch.