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Shige didn’t know what he was even doing here, in this hot noisy hell called party. However, he promised his friends he’d stick around for at least half an hour so he couldn’t run off just yet.
Hoping to find a quiet corner, Shige went towards the back rooms but he soon found out that was a big miscalculation on his part as he suddenly found himself in a dimly lit room where two people were making out. To make things worse, both were male and one of them instantly noticed him. Shige’s eyes met the eyes of a young man with platinum blond hair who was sitting on the drawer while another man was busy sucking at his neck. Shige should have stepped back immediately but for a few moments he was unable to move as if hypnotized. The blond’s beautiful face was slightly distorted in pleasure as he continued to gaze at Shige tauntingly.
Finally snapping out of it, Shige turned away and made a hasty retreat. His heart thumping and his face burning, he went to the balcony which was surprisingly vacant. He took a deep breath welcoming the cool night air. However, he didn’t get to enjoy the solitude for more than a few minutes as he heard a soft voice.
“Hiii.” Turning his head Shige saw the voice belonged to the young man he saw earlier. His blond hair was messy and his shirt was still largely unbuttoned. It was dark but Shige could imagine the pink flowers already blossoming on his pale neck.
”Uh, hello,” he replied stiffly unable to meet the man’s eyes.
“Don’t think I’ve seen you here before.”
“That’s because I don’t normally go to these things.”
“I’m Yuya,” the man said stretching the syllables. “And you?”
“Shige.”
“Well, Shige,” Yuya said smiling sweetly “you’re exactly my type.” His whole look projected relaxed confidence.
“I’m flattered but I’m afraid you’re not quite mine.”
“Oh, come on. I’m everyone’s type,” the man replied taking a sip from his plastic cup.
“I mean I’m straight.”
“Oh.” Yuya looked at him and Shige hoped he would finally get it and leave but that wasn’t quite the case. “Don’t worry, I’ll let you top.”
Shige’s mouth fell open and for a moment his eloquence left him. The young man was clearly enjoying his reaction. He took another sip and got closer invading Shige’s personal space.
“OK, listen. I don’t know what kind of response you’re used to but I’m not sleeping with you.”
“Why?” the blond asked looking like a child who was denied a toy.
“Even if I were gay which I’m not I wouldn’t sleep with a person I just met. Especially with a person who was making out with someone else five minutes earlier.”
The blond didn’t say anything but the predatory look on his face told Shige he still wasn’t entirely convinced. There was only one thing left to do.
“You know what? I gotta go. Sorry.”
“Fine. It was nice meeting you, Shige.”
Even without turning back Shige could feel a heavy gaze on his back.
The next few days Shige couldn’t stop replaying that night in his mind. Which wasn’t unusual, he told himself, since it wasn’t a normal encounter and his life was largely uneventful. But the image of dark beckoning eyes seemed to be engraved at the back of his mind and the more he tried to erase it the more vivid it became.
It must have been two weeks later that Shige found himself at another party. Just minutes after he arrived, he spotted a familiar blond man across the room. He was wearing a pink shirt and tight jeans that hugged his legs in all the right places, had a fancy hairdo and was smoking a thin cigarette. Shige thought the latter was probably an accessory more than anything.
“Who’s that?” he asked an acquaintance who seemed to get around.
“The pretty blond? That’s Tegoshi Yuya. They say his parents are loaded and always busy so the guy just does whatever he wants. And whoever.” Shige rolled his eyes as the guy laughed at his own joke. “I’m straight but, hell, I’d totally do him.” Shige really felt like giving the man a piece of his mind but then he decided it wasn’t worth it. He always did.
Despite Shige’s expectations, Tegoshi did not try to hit on him again. In fact, he didn’t even look his way, chatting with many people, laughing and drinking. Glancing his way, Shige’s bad mood got even worse. He just couldn’t stop thinking that there must have been something wrong with him if he couldn’t enjoy something so many people found terribly fun.
It was well past midnight but Shige was still there, on a sofa in the corner alone with his drink.
“Having fun?” Shige was startled by a high-pitched male voice.
“Sort of,” he answered.
“I thought you don’t like parties,” Tegoshi said leaning on the windowsill.
“I don’t.”
“Why’d you come here then?” Shige didn’t reply immediately so the man continued. “Could it be that you have fallen for me?”
“What are you talking about? It’s just… I make myself go out once in a while. Just for a change, you know.”
“I see. Well, it’s a boring party anyway. Me and some friends are going to karaoke. You can come too if you want.”
Shige hesitated.
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to molest you,” the blond said with a cocky smile.
“It’s not that. I’m just not a very good singer.”
“That’s not the point at all. The point is having fun. So, are you coming?” The man’s smile was warm and inviting if a little sly.
Before he knew it, Shige found himself nodding. He wasn’t really sure why he agreed but at this point any scenario seemed better than just sitting there like a wallflower.
Shige never went to karaoke so late at night but, thankfully, there were some people he knew so it wasn’t terribly awkward. Besides, everyone was already at least tipsy and that always eased the atmosphere.
It was a few rounds and several songs in that someone shouted “Shige!” and no matter how much he protested he was pushed into the middle of the lounge and given a microphone. After much browsing and a few drunken encouragements to hurry the hell up, Shige picked “Hanashitaku wa Nai”, one of his favourites. He tried his best compensating his lack of skill with passion.
“That was pretty good! Why’d you say you couldn’t sing?” Tegoshi exclaimed animatedly as he sat next to him.
“I didn’t say I-” Shige began to protest but the man didn’t listen.
“I mean it wasn’t perfect but there’s just something about your voice, I can’t even tell…”
“Tegoshi! Your turn!” someone shouted at the back followed by many excited voices of support. The blond took his place at the microphone and quickly selected a song. It was a sad ballad by some female artist. Shige didn’t know what to expect but as the young man began to sing, he was blown away by the clear strong voice and the dramatic sensual expressions that accompanied the song. The man was clearly a natural. When it was over, everyone in the room clapped and whistled loudly.
It was hard for him to admit it even to himself, but Shige was actually having a good time. He waited for the cheering to subside to tell the blond how much he liked the song, but Tegoshi didn’t sit back next to him. Instead, he came up to a tall guy standing in the back, talked to him for a minute, then they both left the room. Shige tried finding something else to do but he still kept looking at the door unable to focus on anything happening. The two men finally returned some fifteen minutes later, Tegoshi’s hair rearranged and his face flushed.
Suddenly Shige felt strange nausea overcome him, he needed to get out, there just wasn’t enough air in this room. He stood up quietly and walked out without looking back.
Once outside, he walked and walked without any purpose until he ended up at a bridge. It must have been about 4 AM since it was still dark but in one corner of the sky daylight was seeping through. There were no cars or people as if everyone vanished and Shige found it calming somehow. He leaned on the railing to look at the cityscape. It was a beautiful view but Shige wished he could see the stars behind the smog.
He didn’t know how long he has been standing there when he heard steps behind him. The steps halted and he turned around to see the man he wanted to see the least right now.
“Why are you here?” Shige asked.
“I should be asking you. You seemed to be having fun,” Tegoshi retaliated leaning on the railing next to him.
“I was but there’s always a point when you know it’s time to leave. It’s just a feeling.”
“Oh, so you’re not fleeing from me then?”
“Why would I be?”
“Because you’re attracted to me and don’t want to admit it,” Tegoshi said.
“It’s not like that at all,” Shige snorted indignantly. “And even if I were, it wouldn’t matter. If I like someone, I date them properly. I never fool around.”
Tegoshi just smirked.
“Did I say something funny?” Shige asked.
“No. I just didn’t think anyone has those views in our age. To me dating is way too complicated.”
“Really now?”
“Yes. All it does is make people paranoid, jealous and manipulative. They only date because they hope that someone out there is gonna come and fix all their wrongs, make their life ok. That’s just a delusion,” the blond said resting his weight on the railing and looking into the distance.
“Sex is good and fair. You get what you see. But when people date, they always try to hide their weaknesses and insecurities, they put effort to look good and pretend they have their shit together, they want the other person to like them even though half the time they don’t even like themselves and then get confused why it falls apart.”
Shige listened slightly bewildered. He always thought some of his views were very nihilistic but now listening to the blond’s speech made him feel naïve. “And that is why you don’t date?” he asked.
Tegoshi shrugged. “It feels good to be desired, lusted after. But once you go stable, you’re trapped in a cycle of jealousy and doubt. Once a person knows you’re attached to them, the challenge is gone and they suddenly stop wanting you. Besides, even when people are dating someone, they are still attracted to other people so what’s the point? Men just aren’t made to be faithful. They always want something they can’t have.”
“So you too then?” Shige asked.
“Well, I’m a man, aren’t I?” Tegoshi grinned in amusement. “Being gay makes it easier. Men don’t expect you to call them the next day, they don’t really care about anything other than getting into your pants.”
“And you’re really fine with that?” Shige asked.
“Well, it has its downsides but at least it’s fair and you never get bored.”
“You must be popular with men,” Shige said sounding way more bitter than intended.
“I am. Most of those I slept with were straight though. Or at least liked to think of themselves as straight.”
“So you don’t believe in love then?” Shige asked wanting to change the topic.
“I don’t know. Sex I know, but love… I never seen it in real life. I’ve seen people lusting for each other, people clinging to each other because they couldn’t stand to be alone, people who lived all their lives together barely standing each other but that’s not love, is it?” Tegoshi turned to look at Shige but it wasn’t really a question.
Shige got so caught up in conversation, that he was surprised when the blonds’s face was illuminated by the scarlet hue of sunrise. Catching Shige’s gaze, Tegoshi stopped his speech abruptly. He seemed a little self-conscious about his rant, so he fell quiet.
“Aren’t you going back? They’re probably waiting for you,” Shige asked breaking the silence.
“I’m always where I want to be,” the man replied firmly but he stepped back from the railing. “I’ll see you around, Shige.”
Watching the blond walk away with slow but confident steps, Shige wondered if there was some sort of tragic story to him but decided it was most likely just his wishful thinking.
Shige didn’t go to any parties after that spending his nights in the safety of his home, reading books and watching films. Life was beginning to feel normal again.
It was a Friday night and there were many young people chattering loudly on their way to karaoke parlours and night clubs. Shige cursed himself for not going out to buy some groceries earlier but there was no other way now since he was really running out of food.
“Shige! Haven’t seen you in ages!” a loud voice exclaimed behind him. Turning around, he saw an old friend. One he didn’t particularly like.
“Hey. I was just - ” Shige started to say but was interrupted.
“How’s it going, man?”
“Fine. It’s… ok, really.”
“Still single?”
Shige sighed at the question. He heard enough of that from his mother.
“Yes but it’s not like -” Shige was interrupted again and he wondered why he even bothered. Most people, he thought, never really heard the answers to the questions they asked.
“Well, that’s no surprise since you never go out. Come on, come with me, I am just about to meet the guys.”
“Actually, I was - ”
However, all of Shige’s polite protests were ignored and he was pretty much dragged into a nearby bar.
Ten minutes later Shige was sipping his beer and thinking that maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea after all when he was startled by a familiar voice close by.
“We meet again. Maybe it’s fate?” Tegoshi winked as he walked past him swaying his hips.
The blond was seated at the opposite end of the bar but every now and then their eyes would meet. Shige tried to stop himself from looking but he kept being drawn in by the tantalizing gaze over the rim of a glass. Finally, Shige successfully engaged himself in conversation with a friend and forgot about the blond. When he finally did look some 20 minutes later, he found the man gone. He couldn’t explain the strange mix of relief and disappointment that washed over him but he decided it was time to go anyway.
There was a narrow dark corridor leading to the bathrooms and Shige decided to drop by before leaving. However, as he made his way there, he crushed into someone walking out. The impact had him stumbling and pressed against the man who, as Shige realized in a second, was none other than his tormentor.
Of course, Shige has had a few drinks but he knew it wasn’t alcohol that was pulling him in right now, it was something much deeper. It was impossible to say who crossed the final distance, the two men were gravitating towards each other as if pulled by an invisible magnet until finally their lips crushed.
The kiss was different to all the kisses Shige had before. It was deep and needy and electric. Tegoshi was clinging to him desperately, pulling him closer. It was so easy to get lost in the feeling and Shige felt himself getting hard instantly. When they finally broke for air, the blond leaned in whispering into his ear hotly. “Fuck me.” Suddenly something in Shige’s head clicked and his body and mind cooled down in an instant. He looked as if he has been slapped.
“What’s the matter?” Tegoshi asked utterly confused.
“Sorry, I can’t. I need to go,” Shige muttered as he freed himself from the blond’s grasp and attempted to walk out but Tegoshi blocked the way, brows furrowed and lips pressed tight.
“Why?”
“It’s a mistake.”
“No it’s not. You want me,” Tegoshi said his voice cracking.
“You make it sound so simple.”
“Because it is. You’re the one making it complicated.” The blond’s beautiful face was now distorted by anger.
“What I want is not necessarily what I need.” Shige said.
“Is this about your damn principles? Are you worried I’ll ruin your straight little world?”
“It’s not that,” Shige replied. “If we do it, I don’t think I can let you go,” he added quietly before storming out. This time Tegoshi didn’t try to stop him.
Shige tried to get back to his boring little life again but he couldn’t stop thinking about the incident. He told himself it wasn’t his fault but he couldn’t forget the hurt and disappointment in the man’s eyes. No matter how he looked at it, it felt like he owed an apology. After a week of brooding he finally decided he needed to set things straight once and for all.
After a little asking around, Shige learned the blond was a student at Waseda and he liked to hang out on the campus even after the lectures were over. When Shige found him, Tegoshi was sitting on a bench outside the library building alone. He looked in front of him but his gaze was distant. He had a lit cigarette in his hand but didn’t seem to bring it to his mouth, it was just burning idly.
“May I sit?”
“Sure.” Tegoshi replied. He didn’t look surprised at all. Just sitting next to Tegoshi was making Shige a little nervous. His blond hair and fancy clothes really made him stand out and it felt like everyone was watching them.
“I just wanted to say sorry about the other day.”
“You don’t have to,” Tegoshi replied without looking at him.
“But I want to,” Shige insisted, “I didn’t mean to be rude.”
“It’s fine, ok? But…” the man seemed to hesitate, “what did you mean when you said you might not be able to let me go?”
“That…” Shige’s mind went blank for a second. “Forget about it. I wasn’t thinking straight.”
“Oh. That’s what I thought,” Tegoshi said.
Suddenly, their conversation was rudely interrupted by the loud ringing of Tegoshi’s phone. He looked at it once with neutral expression, then canceled the call. Shige didn’t ask but the blond still caught his curious gaze.
“It’s just my old man.”
“You didn’t have to. I could wait,” Shige said.
“No, it’s fine. I probably would’ve canceled it anyway. It’s just one of his monthly calls to maintain his image of a good father.”
“Your parents don’t know you’re…”
“Gay? They do. I told them years ago. They act like they don’t though. Well, they don’t really care as long as it doesn’t affect them.” The young man’s face was clear of all emotion and Shige found it unsettling.
“So you can’t give me what I want and I can’t give you what you need.” Tegoshi said with a bitter smile. The silence that followed was void of any comfort.
“So… you study here, huh?” Shige asked. He was never good at small talk.
“Yeah,” Tegoshi replied. “I wanted to study psychology. But I soon realized I was learning way more on the streets than in the classrooms.”
Tegoshi fell silent again. It seemed like he couldn’t care less if they continue talking or not.
“I guess I’ll be going then.” Shige said after a minute. He wished there were guides on escape routes from awkward conversations.
“Sure. See you around. Or not.”
Shige got up slowly. He did what he came for but there was a nagging feeling at the back of his head that this wasn’t the last time they met.
That night Tegoshi looked nothing short of gorgeous. He was wearing tight blue jeans, black leather jacket and white tank top underneath. His yellowish blond hair fell to his shoulders in soft waves.
Before he knew it, Shige was making his way across the room to where the blond was standing, taking his hand and leading him to the back of the club to a small crumpled storage room. Once there, he backed Tegoshi against a table and leaned in.
It was the point of no return. Shige couldn’t stop. The passion consumed him like he never thought was possible. The kiss was hot and intoxicating like a thirst that could not be quenched. He then hauled the man up to sit on the table, his hands and mouth roaming all over that small lean body. Tegoshi’s legs encased him in a tight grip.
“Shige…” Tegoshi’s hot whisper resonated in the empty room fueling the other man’s desire. All blood left Shige’s brain but vaguely he wondered why the hell he even struggled so much when this felt so good.
Shige could barely pull away long enough to pull the jacket down the blond’s shoulders biting into the soft flesh. Soon the jacket fell on the floor followed by Shige’s shirt. He reached under the boy’s tank top feeling the smooth heated skin underneath. Tegoshi shivered from the touch, his skin sensitized from arousal.
Finally letting go of the delicate lips, Shige moved on to suck onto the blond’s neck. Meanwhile, Tegoshi made a quick work of his belt and zipper, reaching inside, wrapping his hand around him and stroking him firmly. Shige groaned knowing at this rate he might come before the main course.
He didn’t hesitate to pull the blond’s pants down along with his underwear. He didn’t remove it completely just yet though, there was something incredibly hot about such exposed look. Shige ran his hands up and down the strong thighs and small but firm ass.
“Shige, fuck me. Now.” Tegoshi’s voice husky from desire sent shivers down his spine.
Shige moved in for another searing kiss pulling the blond’s jeans and shirt off all the way. Shige stroked his lover’s cheek but the blond gently bit hit fingers sucking them into him mouth. Shige thought he couldn’t get any harder but, apparently, he could. When the fingers were wet, Shige reluctantly removed them, pulled the man’s legs higher up and pushed two in. They both were too riled up for long preparations so he instantly began to prod and twist his fingers making Tegoshi moan low in his throat and grip his shoulders. Satisfied, Shige took his fingers out slowly aligning their bodies before pushing in. The blond’s legs once again locked behind his back, pulling him closer.
The faces were close, their hot breaths mingling. Tegoshi’s face and body were covered with sweat but it looked surprisingly erotic sparkling in the dim light. Shige loved the intimacy of the pose but he knew the pace was not enough. Reluctantly he disentangled himself, pulled Tegoshi off the table, turned him around and put his left knee on a bench before pushing in again.
The angle allowed a quick hard pace and Shige reached out with his left hand and began to stroke his lover’s cock in time with his thrusts. The blond moaned loudly, his body trembling under the double assault. It was oh so good and Shige felt himself getting closer with every thrust but stubbornly he wanted to make his lover come first. It worked since in a few moments the man thrashed against him spilling hot seed over his hand. With a few more thrusts, Shige was coming too, long and hard biting the pale shoulder of his lover. Even as he was completely spent, he stilled for another minute savouring the moment.
Shige woke up with a start, his body on fire and his heart pounding against his ribcage. The battle was lost.
Maybe, Shige thought that afternoon while sipping tea, Tegoshi was right. Maybe he was complicating things. Maybe he should have said “yes” that very first night and it would have been done and over with. Maybe it was just a stage that he needed to go through. At any rate, it seemed now there was just one way to find a peace of mind.
Shige faced himself in the mirror examining his outfit. He did his best to strike a fine balance between casual and dressed up finally settling for a dress shirt and jeans. “What am I even doing?” he murmured to himself. Through a friend, Shige found out there was a grand party coming Friday and there was no way the blond would miss it so he jumped at the chance but now it all seemed far too real and he felt stupid.
When he finally arrived, the party was in full swing. The apartment was packed with young people drinking and laughing and dancing. Shige thought he clearly was desperate if he even showed up at such a place. However, Tegoshi who was normally the life of a party was nowhere to be found.
Shige was slowly navigating the apartment trying not to make his quest too obvious when he saw the bathroom door open. As if in slow motion, Shige watched Tegoshi emerge from the bathroom looking rather disheveled. He was about to approach him when suddenly another man walked out. He seemed to be shouting something but Shige couldn’t hear through the noise. Or was it a buzz in his head? Mind blank, Shige felt his feet turn him around and carry him out of the apartment. He could hear Tegoshi calling him but he didn’t turn back.
“Shige! Wait!” Tegoshi finally caught up with him on the stairs.
“What?” Shige turned around sharply.
“You came to see me, didn’t you?”
“What does it matter? You clearly weren’t wasting your time,” Shige said.
“Maybe I was,” Tegoshi frowned. “Who do you think you are to be shaming me? Did you think I was going to wait for you forever? You think you’re better than others? Better than me?”
“I never said that!” Shige shouted. “I just don’t want to be another notch on your bedpost. You only want me because you can’t have me.”
“You know, maybe that’s true. And maybe you aren’t worth it. There’s plenty of fish in the sea,” Tegoshi said, his face stern.
“I should have known in the end you’re just a spoiled selfish brat,” Shige said.
“And yet you want me. You’re just afraid to let yourself go because you know you’ll enjoy it.”
“Oh, really now?” Shige felt like he was losing it. “Well, you’re afraid of having anything more than a quick fuck and getting emotionally involved. You go around with your ridiculous blond hair and leopard print shirts. You try to act obnoxious and nonchalant just to get attention, good or bad, but deep inside you’re just another lost little boy whose parents didn’t love him enough. You think people who date are fucked up? Well, you’re fucked up even more! You talk about love like you’re above it but you’re just fooling yourself because you really want the same thing everybody else does.”
Tegoshi stared at him with his big shiny eyes not saying anything. Shige wanted to stop but he couldn’t, words were spilling from him like soda from a bottle that’s been shaken.
“But you know what? One day you’re going to find yourself alone, your beauty fading, your heart thick and your bed cold.” Having said that, Shige turned around and quickly walked away leaving the blond standing on the stairs motionless as if petrified.
It was raining outside, the air grey and cold. It’s been raining all morning and Shige pulled his collar up preparing to dive into the misty street when he noticed there was someone leaning on the wall at the porch. Looking closely Shige realized it was Tegoshi. He was normally more attentive but the man looked very different from that confident cocky character Shige was used to seeing. He was dressed in a light blue shirt and jeans and his hair was styled in a neat fashion, which actually looked rather odd on his platinum blond hair.
“Yuya?” Shige had to blink a few times to make sure he wasn’t imagining things.
“Hi,” the blond said looking up and approaching him. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, then pulled out a bouquet of white lilies from behind his back. Shige had to blink a few times to make sure we wasn’t dreaming.
“These are for you,” Tegoshi said handing him the flowers. The young man looked very nervous and Shige didn’t know what to make of it. “I’ve never done anything like this before so… I don’t know if it’s weird.”
“It’s not,” Shige said finally snapping out of his trance. “I just… I’ve never received flowers before either. But they’re nice. Thank you.”
“Can we talk?”
“Sure.” Shige replied turning towards the door. The blond followed him inside quietly. Shige could feel his heart race as he fumbled with the keys. Thankfully, his face never really reflected his emotions.
Once inside, Tegoshi looked around curiously, taking in every detail of the interior. It made Shige feel a little naked. He directed the blond toward the small dining table facing the window and proceeded to put the flowers into a vase.
“That night, in the bathroom, nothing happened,” Tegoshi started suddenly.
“You don’t owe me an explanation,” Shige said. He was still fumbling with the flowers.
“I know. But I want to give you one.” Tegoshi smiled weakly. “You know, lately I’ve been thinking about you a lot.”
Shige waited for more but Tegoshi fell silent. Outside, the rain got stronger violently pounding against the window. Shige couldn’t say what he was supposed to so he went with the first thing that came to mind.
“I’m sorry about what I said last time.”
“Are you though?” Tegoshi asked standing up. He didn’t like talking to people’s backs.
“What do you mean?” Shige finally left the flowers alone facing the man properly.
“I think you should never apologize for saying what you mean. Fights are good I think. They allow people to say the things they could never say normally, get it out of the way.” Tegoshi smiled and some of his cockiness returned.
“That night I didn’t think you’d come. I thought I might never see you again and I… ” the blond sighed, “I got angry at myself and at you so when this guy came up to me I thought ‘why not’ and went with him.” Tegoshi paused trying to meet Shige’s eyes but failing. “Except I couldn’t,” he exclaimed. “I realized I didn’t want him. Even though he was hot.” The blond seemed half-perplexed, half-excited at his discovery. “I wanted you,” he added, quietly this time. “So I left.”
“I’m flattered,” Shige said, “but I’m afraid it’s not enough. I thought I could do it but after all, it’s not for me. Sorry.”
“No, I mean… I don’t just want to have sex with you. I…” the blonde paused thinking over his words.
“There’s something between us and I don’t know what exactly but I thought it would be stupid not to try and figure it out. I don’t want to regret it. You know, thinking that maybe I missed my…” He suddenly stopped getting self-conscious.
“I thought you didn’t believe in dating,” Shige noted keeping his composure.
“Well, I…” Tegoshi started looking down “I don’t really know how this works, to be honest. Since I turned 15 men only tried to get into my pants, nobody really asked me out or anything.”
“You mean you never dated anyone?”
“Not really. Not in the way you mean it,” Tegoshi admitted quietly. “It’s so far from shounen-ai manga. Most of the time you meet eyes, you hook up, it’s over in 10 minutes and you never speak again.”
“Well, I’ve never dated a man before either so I guess we’re even,” Shige said attempting a smile. “But what about the cycle of jealousy and doubt and all that?”
“I still think it happens with most people,” Tegoshi said rubbing his neck, “but it’s not impossible to avoid it. I guess deep down I always wanted somebody to prove me wrong,” he added biting his lip. Shige nodded.
“So… ” Tegoshi said, “Does that mean you will go out with me?”
“Do you really want it?” Shige asked taking a step closer until their bodies were almost touching.
“Yes,” Tegoshi replied firmly, meeting his eyes.
“Then I guess we could try.”
As Shige said it, he began to lean in and the blond was about to meet him halfway but Shige held his shoulders gently stopping him. Tegoshi looked confused for a moment but then his eyes lit with comprehension and he nodded slowly. Shige leaned in again, ever so slowly, not closing his eyes until the very last moment. Their lips touched softly and Shige angled his face a little this way and that without breaking the kiss as if in slow motion. It almost looked like the two of them didn’t know how kisses worked and were now trying it out for the first time. It lasted for a few minutes before Shige’s hands made their way into blond’s hair, tracing his jawline and caressing the neck gently.
When the kiss ended, Shige saw the blond’s eyes were dark and glazed. He had no doubts anymore. Following their unspoken agreement, Tegoshi let himself be led to the bedroom and stood there patiently waiting for Shige to make the next move.
There came another kiss, still slow and careful but just a little more firm. Shige was nearly trembling with excitement as he unbuttoned the blond’s shirt. He suddenly remembered how he as a kid would always unwrap his Christmas presents very slowly to prolong the joy of anticipation. He must have looked like a kid too and he half-expected Tegoshi to laugh at him but he never did. When the shirt finally slipped to the floor, Shige ran his hands down the boy’s naked back. The blond shivered and Shige hoped it wasn’t just from the coldness of the room.
There still was so much more to touch and the rest of their clothes came off a little faster. Shige laid the blond on the bed and paused to admire the view. Now, naked and being watched so closely in the light of day, Tegoshi seemed very self-conscious, shy almost. If Shige didn’t know any better, he’d think the man was new to this.
Tegoshi’s body was slim but made of hard muscles. Every part of him, head to toes, was pretty. Shige ran his hands down his torso and thighs mesmerized and was delighted to hear the blond sigh softly. He then leaned down covering the man’s body with his own wanting to feel skin on skin. His body was sensitized, every touch sending a surge of pleasure to his brain.
The kisses were getting deeper and more intense and when they broke for air, Shige proceeded to kiss down the delicate neck and moving on to suck on the small nipples slightly erect from the chilly air.
“Shige, please…” Tegoshi all but pleaded.
Shige got the message. He reached down and wrapped his hand around the blond’s hardness, stroking it slowly and enjoying the feel of velvety skin. Tegoshi moaned impatiently. This encouraged Shige, he held the length more firmly and started to stroke faster.
“Shige…” the man was panting hard “Take me.”
“You want me to…”
“Yes. I need you now,” Tegoshi said firmly. His light-brown eyes were now almost black with desire.
“Ok,” Shige said breathless.
When Shige did not immediately move, Tegoshi leaned in to plant a small kiss on his lips.
“It’s ok, it’s not that different I heard. I just need a little preparation.”
Seeing Shige was still nervous, Tegoshi smiled.
“I can do it myself,” He said sitting up to a comfortable position. “This time,” he added bringing his right hand to his mouth.
Shige watched at the man sucked on his fingers and then put them between his legs. He didn’t really see what he was doing but the sight of the beautiful blond with his weight resting on one arm, his legs spread and his face tense in concentration left him breathless. Tegoshi’s eyes were closed and he bit his lip as he moved his hand slowly but confidently.
It only took a minute or two before he removed his hand and looked up at Shige with an inviting smile. It was only then that Shige realized he was painfully hard by now.
“You’re ready now?” he asked trying to sound normal.
“Wait.” Tegoshi leaned down to grab his jeans and took something out of the pocket. “Here,” he said putting a condom into Shige’s hand. Shige took a deep breath putting it on with shaking hands. Tegoshi was about to turn around but he held his arm.
“Can we do it like this?”
“Sure. If you want to,” Tegoshi replied looking a little surprised before moving to lie on his back. Shige joined him but he stilled looking at his lover for final confirmation.
“Don’t worry,” Tegoshi said gently. “You won’t hurt me.”
Shige nodded before finally pushing in. Tegoshi’s body was so tight and hot he had to take a few deep breaths to calm his senses.
“Feels so good.”
“Yeah?” Tegoshi said smirking. “Kiss me.”
Shige leaned in capturing the blond’s lips with his own. As the kiss got deeper, he felt the man relax underneath him allowing him to move.
Shige knew he was never half as good a lover as his fantasy self but he wanted to make it good, wanted to see the beautiful man lost in pleasure. Right now, the blond’s face looked content but far from ecstatic.
“What do I do?” Shige asked knowing he wouldn’t be able to last long.
“Get my leg higher,” Tegoshi whispered.
Shige did just that, hauling the man’s right leg higher and trying to adjust the angle. In a few moments, the blond’s face lit up in bliss.
“Just like that…” Tegoshi said breathily.
Shige tried to keep a steady rhythm encouraged by the soft noises the blond made. Tegoshi looked right at him with dark beckoning eyes, much like the first time they met, except now it was just the two of them bound by burning passion. Suddenly, Shige felt oddly possessive, he wanted those big enticing eyes look only at him.
Shige didn’t want to come first, he really didn’t. He tried his best to hold back but he could not. He’d wanted this for way too long and his body needed the release. In a moment, his vision got dark as he came harder than he ever had.
When Shige finally opened his eyes, his lover was smiling at him.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t. There’s nothing to be sorry for.”
“But you-”
“Don’t worry, I took care of it. It’s all good,” Tegoshi reassured him softly stroking his cheek.
“Ah!” Shige realized that he still hasn’t moved so he carefully pulled out and rolled to the side, sated but embarrassed. Just as he did, Tegoshi started shuffling next to him.
“Hold me?” He said after a minute finally settling half-sprawled against Shige’s torso.
“Of course. Sorry.” Shige felt like he ruined things twice today. He put his arms around the blond and brought him closer. Their bodies fit amazingly well, he noted.
“I wish you were my first,” Tegoshi said, voice muffled against Shige’s chest.
“Really?”
“Mmhm,” Came the reply.
Shige smiled tracing the shell of the man’s ear. His eyelids were getting heavy.
“It’s really pretty here,” Tegoshi said, his head resting on Shige’s shoulder. They were sitting on top of a big slope just outside the city, the starry sky stretched high above them.
“Yeah,” Shige replied taking a swig from his beer.
“I always thought this stuff was really overrated and stupid.”
“What stuff?” Shige asked.
“You know, romance. Stargazing, fireworks, movies,” Tegoshi said. “It’s good to be wrong sometimes.”
Shige did not reply. For a while, they sat in silence enjoying the view and the warm autumn air.
“This is nice,” Tegoshi said, eyes closed.
“It is,” Shige agreed threading his fingers through the man’s black hair.