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Obito, honest to Kami, did NOT plan on surviving the war.
So, sitting in a prison cell with multiple chakra seals, blurry sight, and his, nephew? cousin?? relative???,,, relative , Sasuke in the cell in front of him, he has no idea what to do next.
Which was quite disconcerting, actually, since his whole life (okay, NOT actually his whole life, but like, most of it) he had a plan to follow, and a traitor plant for a companion to remind him what the next step of the plan was, which was kinda stupid since madara had like, repeated it a million times.
He squints his eyes a bit to see his relative brooding in the corner of his cell and, like the idiot he is, sitting on the floor instead of the tiny bed they’d been mercifully given
“...uh”
Sasuke does not turn around
“So are you my cousin or…”
Dear kami this is going absolutely horribly
Sasuke slightly turns his head to shoot him a ‘I REALLY do NOT want to speak with you, you absolute manipulative bastard’ glare, which, wow, that's a highly specific glare.
In Obito’s defense, this agonizing silence was getting to his head, since his relative is not willing to speak to him, (and he isn’t even going to ask the ANBU that are most definitely here, guarding them, because who in their right mind wouldn’t have people guarding the unstable Uchihas who had wanted revenge a bit too much.)
Loud footsteps approach the cells.
He lets a relieved sigh, because there is no mistaking the painfully optimistic vibes that Naruto has, even without access to his chakra.
That blond head and obnoxiously orange jumpsuit come into view, along with Sakura (huh, that's new).
“Sasuke!! Obito!!” the former says, with a face-splitting grin which is in no way an appropriate reaction to seeing two war criminals.
Sasuke still does not turn around, but he does let out a non-aggressive ‘hn’ to acknowledge them, and Obito gives them a little wave, because his hands are not tied, apparently, even though he can (and has) choked someone to death with them alone.
(There’s no way that he is going to be forgiven, like, at all, even with Naruto’s and Sakura’s a̶n̶d̶ ̶K̶a̶k̶a̶s̶h̶i̶'̶s̶ insistence.)
“We’ve managed to convince the other Kage to let you free!!!”
What.
“What.”
Sasuke has turned to fully face them with an incredulous face and furrowing brows.
(it seems he has underestimated Naruto’s undying resolve and Sakura’s support, again)
“You’ll probably have to do community service for the rest of your life, BUT! You’re not gonna be executed!”
This has to be a fucking joke.
“Naruto,” Sasuke says, “how the everloving fuck did you manage that.”
Sakura responds for him, “He can be very insistent when he wants to, Sasuke, you would know.”
Sasuke visibly cringes.
Obito is going to have a breakdown.
“I’m literally the starter of the entire war,” he says, “I will try to kill you the second I get out of here.”
Naruto grins (AGAIN) at him, “No way! I’ll beat your ass!!!”
Sakura smiles sweetly (and Obito is totally not intimidated by this 16 year old girl who is giving him a silent threat with her eyes alone, holy shit when and where did she learn to do that)
Sasuke gives him another look, this one says ‘nobody believes you’
Alright, shit.
They have a point, he can’t really kill them (or even try) because he will get jumped immediately.
What’s something equally traumatizing than death for some teenagers who have participated in a war??
Sex maybe???
But there is no way he is going to threaten them with SEX, ew, they’re TEENAGERS, he's in his thirties.
Okay, so he can’t threaten THEM with sex, but maybe someone close to them? (and an adult in age?)
(This mental process is actually quite disturbing, he does not want to have sex with anyone but he has to make them see he’s not a good person even if its a bluff)
Who is close to them?? ALL of them??
Their sensei? No, they all had separate senseis, and one (or two) were dead.
Wait.
Fuck.
...
THERE HAS TO BE SOMEONE ELSE PLEASE.
…
…
Kami dammit.
“I’m going to fuck your sensei”
They’re all staring at him now.
Then Naruto throws his head back and starts laughing like crazy. So is Sakura, while Sasuke is staring disbelievingly at him.
Obito will admit that this isn’t his best thought out-plan, but, what the hell, he’s going to stick with it.
The laughter quiets down, Sakura wipes a tear from laughing too hard.
They look at him again, probably expecting the expression earlier of ‘they’re right, that was ridiculous’ after saying such an outrageous thing.
Obito is kinda sad that his sharingan is not active, their faces morphing into looks of horror are absolutely priceless.
They can tell he’s not joking, (he's bluffing, not joking, and he had been putting on the ‘Tobi’ facade for a LONGGG time, he's an expert actor.)
“But- but you’re both…?”
Huh..?
Wait.
Right, Hidden Villages see homosexual relationships as jokes.
After so long of not being in one, (in a Hidden Village, not in a homosexual relationship) and being surrounded with either (former) ANBU members or psychopaths, he forgot of that prejudice.
“So?” Might as well go all in.
“Uh,” Naruto looks very lost right now.
(So do his other two teammates)
“Yeah, actually when you’re an Uchiha and give someone who is not related to you your Sharingan, you get married.”
“What??”
(He literally made that up on the spot)
“You see, it's a very old law and stuff, uh, the Uchihas didn’t like a Sharingan user that wasn’t under their control, so they made that law. It was made before Konoha was a thing.”
(The dots are connecting a bit too well. If this is actually a thing he’s going to scream.
Actually, if this is actually a thing he’s technically not even lying to them.
Now he just has to ignore that he's talking about Kakashi)
“... I didn’t know that” Sasuke
Alright, good job Obito, first step of gaslighting done.
“SO! I’m going to ignore that!” Naruto exclaims a little too loudly
He grabs the keys of the cells and fiddles with the lock. The second the doors swing open, 4 ANBU jump down (?), probably to escort them to the Hokage.
As they’re led out of that prison, Obito hopes that his awesome intimidation technique hasn’t fallen on deaf ears.
Now just hope he doesn’t see Kakashi on his way to the Hokage and all will be fine (he's going to start tearing down Konoha's corruption from the inside, even if it means getting his hands more dirty)