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Every Friday night, a specific group of Konoha’s most powerful ninja could be found gathered around a small table in a tiny, dingy izakaya on the edge of the red-light district.
There was Haruno Sakura, Head Medic. Yamanaka Ino, Head of T&I and Yamanaka Clan Head. Yamanaka Sai, ANBU Commander (though that wasn’t exactly public information). Tenten, owner of Konoha’s biggest weaponry franchise. Rock Lee, the village’s reigning taijutsu master. Inuzuka Kiba, Head of the Inuzuka and accomplished tracker, right alongside Aburame Shino, Head of tracking. Choji, Head of the Akimichi and Konoha's primary food supplier. Nara Shikamaru, the Hokage’s most valued advisor.
And of course, the Hokage himself, Uzumaki Naruto.
On this particular Friday, however, the dynamic shifted. They were joined by Uzumaki Hinata.
“Ne, ne, Hinata, why today?” Sakura asked, leaning casually on Ino’s shoulder, her cheeks already flushed pink from the alcohol. “You’re usually not very fond of Naruto drinking.”
Hinata’s sweet, gentle face suddenly contorted into something remarkably vicious. “Perhaps I’ve had enough of taking care of him, and decided I should get entirely wasted too,” she smiled serenely, though her eyes flashed with terrifying clarity. “Also, Hanabi’s taking care of Boruto and Hima. I am off the clock.”
Naruto looked instantly nervous, sweating through his orange jacket. “Hina-chan, maybe—I mean, you haven't eaten much rice yet—”
“Good for you,” Ino chimed in, resting her chin lazily on Sai’s shoulder. Sakura nodded in fierce agreement, sake sloshing dangerously over the rim of her cup. “Husbands are a little annoying after a while. That’s why I divorced Sasuke, you know. He’s a useless dickbag. Doesn’t even know how to f—”
Naruto violently choked on his alcohol, coughing into his fist. “Wait, what?! Why didn’t I know that—when did this happen?!”
Shikamaru let out a long, exhausted sigh, rubbing his temples. “She told you like four months ago, Naruto. You were eating ramen, and you literally said, ‘Great, I can have him now, believe it!’ and then signed a zoning permit with a smiley face.”
Naruto went bright red, shutting his mouth as he suddenly found the grain of the wooden table deeply fascinating.
Ino scoffed, glaring down at Sakura. “Wait, if Sasuke's a useless dickbag, what about me?”
Sakura rolled her eyes affectionately, bopping Ino on the nose. “Boyfriend, not girlfriend. You’re perfect, darling.”
Hinata sat up a little straighter. She felt enlightened, like she’d just stumbled upon an ancient, forbidden scroll containing a treasure trove of village secrets. The warm rush of the sake was settling into her veins, making her feel unimaginably light and happier than she had been in months. It was a beautiful, liberating feeling.
Perhaps that’s why she turned a sharp, unblinking lavender gaze directly onto Sai.
“How do you feel that your wife is banging Sakura, hmh?”
The entire table froze. Kiba choked on a piece of yakitori. Choji stopped mid-chew.
“What?” Hinata asked, taking another elegant sip from her cup. “Can’t I ask?”
Sai didn't even blink. He simply offered his trademark, pleasant smile. “Believe it or not, Hinata-sama, it’s an exemplary arrangement. Especially since I join in once in a while. From a tactical standpoint, our household's emotional stability has increased by thirty-four percent since Sakura moved her toothbrush in. Plus, Sasuke's alimony checks cover our grocery bills.”
Shino winced, adjusting his sunglasses as he tried to physically shrink into his high-collared coat. “Maybe not so many details about your sex life, Sai. Or your finances.”
“I think it’s beautiful!” Lee roared, tears streaming down his face as he slammed a fist on the table. “The power of youth allows for boundless love and scheduling flexibility!” Tenten edged his cup off the table and into the trash below.
Kiba meanwhile, was already scratching his head,. “Hold on. If Sakura divorced Sasuke four months ago, and Naruto started f–, I mean, having a relationship with him...” He eyed Naruto, who was sweating profusely. “Naruto, how long have you and Sasuke been sneaking out to the Naka River 'to spar'?”
Hinata poured herself another cup, a blissful, deeply relaxed smile spreading across her face. "Oh, since January," she volunteered cheerfully. "It’s wonderful, really. Naruto goes to 'train,' and I get the entire king-sized bed to myself. No snoring, no intense Uchiha brooding at the ceiling. It’s a miracle."
Naruto buried his face in his hands. "Hina-chan, please stop talking..."
Shikamaru shook his head at Naruto, completely exhausted by the Hokage's absolute lack of discretion, before turning his gaze across the table to Lee. “How’re you and Gaara going?”
“Very well!” Lee roared enthusiastically, his cheeks flushed bright red from just a single cup of sake. “He said he loves my Power of Youth, as well as my stamina! It’s most gratifying, especially when we utilize my Inner Gates to—”
“Forget I asked,” Shikamaru interrupted bluntly, raising a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose.
He had forgotten the golden rule of drinking with the Konoha 11: Lee tended to go into details when he was drunk. Usually very graphic ones.
“No, wait, let him finish,” Tenten said, her pen poised over her notepad with terrifying intensity. “I want to know how the Fifth Kazekage handles the Primary Lotus. For tactical research.”
“It involves a lot of sand, Tenten-san!” Lee beamed, entirely missing the sarcasm. “The friction alone requires specialized ointment!”
Kiba let out a loud groan, slamming his forehead onto the table next to a deeply uncomfortable Shino. “Great. Excellent. Now I have a mental image of the Kazekage that I will never, ever be able to bleach out of my brain. Thanks, Lee.”
“You are most welcome, Kiba-kun!”
Hinata, meanwhile, simply let out a soft, giggling hum, completely unfazed as she tipped back another cup of sake. The sheer, unadulterated chaos of the room was like music to her ears. Beside her, Naruto was still trying to disappear into his own orange collar, muttering something about how he was never going to attend a Friday night gathering ever again—a lie they all knew he’d repeat next week.
“Speaking of specialized ointment,” Ino chimed in, smoothly redirecting the conversation while pouring herself another drink, “how are the kids handling all of this? Because Inojin came home yesterday and asked if Auntie Sakura was officially his second mom or just a very permanent houseguest who steals all the good pillows.”
“Oh, please,” Sakura laughed, waving a hand dismissively. “Sarada’s known for weeks. She walked into the kitchen, saw Sai cooking breakfast in nothing but his ANBU apron, looked at me, looked at Ino, and just said, ‘Honestly, this makes more sense than dad’s travel schedule.’ Then she took an apple and left for training.”
Naruto peeked out from behind his hands, his expression shifting from sheer embarrassment to slight parental anxiety. “Wait, what about Boruto and Hima? Hina-chan, do they know about… you know? Me and Sasuke?”
Hinata set her cup down with a soft, delicate clink that somehow demanded total silence from the table.
“Boruto found out last Tuesday,” Hinata said, her voice airy and pleasant. “He tried to storm into the Hokage office to complain about you missing dinner again, only to find Sasuke-kun pinning you against the desk.”
Naruto turned a shade of red that defied human biology. “Hina-chan!!”
“He was very confused at first,” Hinata continued, completely ignoring her husband’s soul leaving his body. “But then Sasuke-kun looked him dead in the eye and promised to teach him the Chidori if he kept his mouth shut. Boruto literally said, ‘Deal, old man is all yours,’ and walked out. He hasn’t complained about you being late to dinner since. It’s been incredibly peaceful at home.”
“That’s my student,” Sasuke’s voice suddenly echoed from the open window of the izakaya.
Naruto nearly jumped out of his skin, looking up to see Sasuke casually sitting on the windowsill, a cloak slung over his shoulder and a deeply unimpressed look on his face.
“Sasuke!” Naruto gasped. “How long have you been there?!”
“Long enough to hear Sai brag about my alimony checks,” Sasuke muttered, casting a dark glare at the ANBU commander. Sai just smiled back, completely unbothered. Sasuke sighed, sliding off the windowsill and taking a seat right next to Naruto, naturally reaching over to steal a piece of Choji’s yakitori. “And for the record, Sarada told me she’s just glad she doesn’t have to forward my mail anymore.I also don’t think she’s very fond of me.”
“See? Total efficiency,” Tenten declared, scribbling furiously in her notepad. “What about you, Shikamaru? How’s Shikadai dealing with the family's brilliance?”
Shikamaru let out a long, groaning sigh, staring up at the dingy ceiling. “Shikadai walked into the living room, saw Temari and me trying to figure out how to explain the village's new... dynamic to the Hidden Sand council, took one look at the paperwork, and said, ‘What a drag, I’m moving to the Akimichi compound.’ He’s been sleeping on Choji’s couch for three days.”
“He’s a wonderful guest!” Choji beamed, finally chiming in after finishing a massive bowl of meat. “He and Chocho have been inventing new chip flavors. They’re currently working on a ‘Saltwater’ barbecue flavor!
“I would buy ten cases!!” Lee cheered, slamming his fist down again. “And what of Metal? He told me just this morning that he wishes to master the Eight Gates so he can visit Suna in under two hours! The power of love inspires such terrifying speed!”
“That’s sweet, Lee,” Kiba muttered, scratching Akamaru’s ears under the table. ”
He then took a massive gulp of his sake, setting the cup down with a dramatic thud. “Man, Akamaru’s the only one who doesn't judge my life choices. Meanwhile, my mom is already breathing down my neck about the next generation of the clan. She keeps asking when I'm going to find a nice girl, and I'm just sitting there like, 'Mom, I’m busy running a department and Akamaru takes up three-quarters of my bed anyway.'”
“Actually,” Shino said, his voice cutting through the noise with its usual flat, monotone precision. “The Aburame clan has a highly structured approach to succession. My father asked me about my future plans just yesterday.”
The table quieted down a bit, everyone leaning in slightly. Shino rarely talked about his personal life.
“Oh yeah?” Kiba grinned, nudging him with an elbow. “What’d you tell him, Shino? Found a secret bug-loving girlfriend we don’t know about?”
“No,” Shino replied calmly, adjusting his sunglasses. “I informed him that my Kikaichū bugs function as a perfectly unified collective, sharing all responsibilities and genetic data without the need for traditional, messy human romance. I told him that, technically speaking, I am already a father to several million children, and they are all exceptionally well-behaved.”
A dead silence fell over the table.
Kiba blanked, staring at his best friend. “You... you told your dad that your kids are bugs?”
“They do not talk back, they excel at tracking, and they do not require an academy tuition,” Shino reasoned, completely deadpan. “My father simply stared at me for three minutes, sighed, and walked out of the room. It was a very successful conversation.”
Sakura burst out laughing, nearly spilling her drink all over Ino again. “Shino, you are an absolute menace! That is the best birth control excuse I’ve ever heard.”
“It is not an excuse, it is a lifestyle,” Shino corrected mildly.
Hinata giggled softly into her palm, her face thoroughly flushed by now. “I think it’s lovely, Shino-kun. At least your children don’t paint the Hokage monument or try to bargain Chidori lessons out of their father's... sparring partner.” She shot a deeply amused, wicked little look at Naruto and Sasuke.
Sasuke just crossed his arms, pulling his cloak tighter around himself, while Naruto groaned loudly and buried his face right into Sasuke's shoulder.
“Can we please go back to talking about Lee’s bugs instead?” Naruto whined, completely defeated. “Wait, no, not bugs. Please, no more details about anything.”
“Too late, Hokage-sama,” Sai smiled brightly, raising his cup. “The night is still young, and we haven't even started on the logistics of your shared calendar yet.”
“Wait a minute,” Kiba barked, his face turning an aggressive shade of crimson that had absolutely nothing to do with the sake. He slapped Shino’s shoulder, perhaps a bit too hard. “Why are you acting like a lone wolf to your dad? You literally live with me! And you forgot to mention your actual human kids!”
Shino didn't even flinch under the impact. He calmly took a sip of his tea. “I did not forget. I merely categorize them differently. Kiba and I are in a committed domestic partnership, and Akamaru is a vital co-parent.”
“Wait, wait, back up,” Ino gasped, leaning across the table so fast she nearly dipped her hair in Choji’s dipping sauce. “You two are finally official? Since when?!”
“Since Shino realized my apartment has better heating for his hive in the winter,” Kiba grumbled, though a small, proud smirk tugged at his lips. “And yeah, he’s got plenty of human kids to worry about. He spends half his week complaining about them.”
“They are my Academy students,” Shino corrected, his tone shifting into his formal instructor voice. “And they are a different breed of chaos entirely. Mitsuki, for instance, asked me yesterday if he could shed his skin to get out of a history exam. I had to consult three different medical texts just to verify if that was a biologically valid medical excuse.”
“It is,” a smooth, chilling voice hissed from the shadows near the kitchen door.
Everyone at the table immediately went on high alert, except for Naruto, who just let out a long, pathetic groan and slammed his forehead back onto Sasuke’s shoulder.
The shadows parted, and Orochimaru casually strolled over, wearing a surprisingly domestic kimono and holding a small plate of seasoned edamame.
“Orochimaru?!” Kiba yelled, his hand instantly dropping to his kunai pouch. “What the hell are you doing in a dingy little bar?!”
“The lighting is excellent for my complexion, and the sake is dirt cheap,” Orochimaru replied smoothly, pulling up a stray wooden stool and squeezing right between a terrified Choji and a highly intrigued Tenten. “But please, continue. I couldn't help but overhear you discussing my son. Shino-kun, you really shouldn't stifle Mitsuki’s academic creativity. If he wishes to leave his epidermis on his desk as a proxy while he goes to the arcade, I say let the boy explore his boundaries.”
“He is supposed to be learning the Will of Fire, not the Will of Cellular Regeneration,” Shino said, completely unfazed by the sudden appearance of an international war criminal at his drinking table.
“Oh, the Will of Fire is so old-fashioned,” Orochimaru dismissed with an elegant wave of their pale hand, picking up an edamame pod. “Mitsuki is doing wonderfully. He wrote to me last week explaining that he finally understands human bonding. Apparently, he’s been observing Naruto-kun and Sasuke-kun’s... extracurricular sparring sessions from the tree line. He says it’s a fascinating study in modern Konoha diplomacy.”
Sasuke’s eyes narrowed into a dangerous, lethal glare, his Sharingan spinning to life for a split second. “Orochimaru. If your kid doesn't stop stalking us, I’m going to personally elective-shock his entire nervous system.”
“Oh, don’t be like that, Sasuke-kun,” Orochimaru chuckled, a terrifying, dry sound. “At least my child takes an interest in your life. Look at Boruto. He’s completely abandoned Naruto's legacy to learn from you. Honestly, between the polyamory, the secret divorces, and the cross-village romances, I haven't seen Konoha this entertaining since the Third Hokage was alive.”
Hinata let out a loud, delighted laugh, raising her cup toward the legendary Sannin. “I like them!” she cheered, her eyes completely glazed over with pure drunkenness. “They get it! Cheers to complicated family dynamics!”
“Cheers, Hinata-sama,” Orochimaru smiled, clinking their cup against hers.
Naruto looked around the table—at his drunk, unbothered wife, his angry boyfriend, his ANBU commander sharing an open relationship with his head medic and T&I chief, Lee crying about the Kazekage's youthfulness, Shino defending his bug-children while Kiba blushed, and Orochimaru casually eating snacks.
Slowly, Naruto reached for the giant pitcher of sake in the middle of the table, lifted it directly to his mouth, and began to chug.
“Yeah,” Shikamaru muttered, rubbing his temples in utter defeat. “That’s about the only logical reaction left.”
"Wait," Tenten sighed. "I'm the only single one here, aren't I?"