Chapter Text
JAMES
If there was one thing to know about James, Remus, Sirius, and Peter, it was that they loved to throw a good party. Sirius’s birthday was coming up. Although they usually didn’t spend too much time planning, given that it was a birthday, they figured this deserved more effort. Thus, the four friends sat around their cheap IKEA coffee table, planning.
“Is your brother coming today?” James asked, “Or does Mister Law Degree have too much going on to deign to help us lowlifes plan a party?”
Everyone else rolled their eyes.
“James, for the love of god, be civil,” Remus said. “Don’t let whatever feud you have with Regulus get in the way of Sirius’s party.”
“Yes, Reggie is coming to plan today,” Sirius said. “I wanted to make him feel more included.”
Sirius’s brother had been included plenty, for James’s taste. He knew it was rude, but every time Regulus showed up at an event, the two of them quickly ended up in some sort of quarrel.
It had started when Regulus and James had first met. Regulus, who was busy texting on his phone, ran into James. Regulus, being even more prickly then than he was now, refused to apologize. James accidentally spilled his morning coffee on himself, burning his chest. Regulus had just… shrugged and kept walking. Regulus had been completely unapologetic about the incident. When Sirius introduced them to each other days later, Regulus hadn’t even recognized James. Although James was usually forgiving, something about the incident frustrated him, and he combatted Regulus’s irritable nature with his own. From that day forward, the two had not stopped arguing.
Now, their arguing had been going on for a year, and had no sign of stopping. In hindsight, their first real introduction was the time they’d been most mellow. It had gotten to the point where Sirius and Remus would try to arrange events so the two would be separated. Every time, however, they always ended up a foot apart, screaming at each other.
“Speaking of including people,” Peter said, “It’s okay that I invited my friends from Theater Club, right?”
“Peter, my boy,” Sirius clapped Peter on the shoulder, “I want everyone and their mother there. Especially if it’s your mother, James,” he said, turning to wink at James.
“Oy,” James said. “You leave my mother out of this. And she’s sort of your mother too.”
“Not enough to stop me from wanting a good time with her,” Sirius said, leaning back on the couch. Remus swatted Sirius. “But yeah, feel free to invite whoever.”
“Sweet,” Peter said.
“Hey, maybe you could find someone at the party, James.,” Sirius commented.
James sighed. He appreciated Sirius’s concern, but he really didn’t need a relationship. Despite his and Remus’s relationship being only a month old, Sirius now considered himself the knower-of-all-things-dating (which was ridiculous, because prior to the two of them dating, Sirius hadn’t gone on more than two dates with anyone). He’d decided that what James needed to make himself happy was a relationship. (This was despite the fact that James had broken up with Lily three months ago, and was quite happily single.) Sirius was now trying nonstop to set James up with people-- for dating, for hookups, for seemingly anything under the sun. It was getting ridiculous. “For the last time, I don’t need that. I’m happy not dating anyone.”
“Never said you had to date them.” Sirius winked.
James rolled his eyes. “Really, I’m not looking for anything right now. Anything,” James repeated, seeing Sirius raising his eyebrows suggestively.
“Anyway,” Remus said, redirecting the conversation. “Whose bathroom are we letting people use?”
A flurry of passive aggressive statements were made as each tried to avoid having their bathroom be the one that would host every drunk person at the party. Sirius argued that, as the birthday boy, it wouldn’t be fair if it was his bathroom. The bathroom location, quality of toiletries, previous hostings, and even amount of chores every person had were all brought into the argument, voices overlapping each other. As Peter shouted, “I’ve cleaned up vomit at least three times already,” there was a loud knock on the door. None of them stopped arguing as Sirius got up to let Regulus in.
“Well I helped you clean every single time,” James argued.
“Not two weeks ago, when you were too busy throwing your guts up into the toilet to help,” Peter said, gesturing wildly.
Regulus stepped into the room. “Wow, throwing up your guts?” He looked directly at James. “Real mature of you.”
The room went silent.
James looked back at Regulus, and his monochromatic attire. “Regulus,” he said, the word a greeting but the syllables uttered with as much distaste as he could put into them.
“James,” Regulus said, doing the same. He stepped forward, until James had to tilt his head up.
James stood up.
The room was quiet as the two of them glared at each other.
“Alright, so whose bathroom did we agree on?” Sirius asked.
“We didn’t,” Peter said, unhelpfully.
“Fine, it can be my bathroom,” James said, still glaring at Regulus. He knew Regulus would probably have plenty of insults on how selfish he was if he didn’t offer it up.
“How performative,” Regulus said. “Got something to prove, do you, Potter?”
“Nope, just an open and loving heart,” James replied, teeth gritted. “Unlike yours, which I’m sure is made of flint and steel.”
“I shudder to think for your future patients if you think hearts are made of flint and steel,” Regulus derided.
“Studying English and you can’t understand a metaphor?” James mocked.
Regulus clapped slowly. “Oh, congratulations on knowing what a metaphor is. Someone finally understands the language they’ve been speaking their whole life.”
“Well at least I’m not going to uni just to study it.”
“Alright, that’s enough,” Remus said. “James, Regulus, sit down.” Regulus sat cross-legged on the floor. James sank back into the couch. The two didn’t take their eyes off each other for a second as Remus continued, “So, the parties only a few days after Halloween? Are we doing a Halloween-type party? What’s the plan?”
“I want masks,” Sirius said. He began rambling, explaining how they were the perfect way for people to disguise themselves, so they could really let loose that evening. “Y’know, like that one movie with Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise?”
“Eyes Wide Shut?” Peter asked.
“Yes! Like that.”
“Sirius, we’re not having an Eyes Wide Shut orgy party,” Remus said. “Besides, I really don’t think that’s the point of the movie.”
As Sirius and Remus started arguing about Eyes Wide Shut and its relevancy to Sirius’s birthday party, Regulus and James made eye contact, both of them rolling their eyes. The second James registered what had happened, he immediately resumed glaring at Regulus, who did the same. James narrowed his eyes, evaluating Regulus’s outfit, searching for its flaws. (The two of them had developed better personal style since meeting each other, just to make it harder for the other person to find things to insult.) Regulus’s shirt was tucked into jeans that were slightly too small for him, as they hugged his thighs. It was his classic outfit— black emo clothes that revealed too much of Regulus’s (unfortunately fantastic) figure.
Somehow, the conversation had looped back around to Sirius wanting to play matchmaker. “I get it, but I do feel like we should at least try to set someone up at this party,” Sirius said. He looked directly at James.
“I don’t want to go out with anyone,” James repeated.
“And what a gift that is to people everywhere,” Regulus said. “But at least I agree with that. God I’m glad I’m not in a relationship.”
“That’s sour grapes if I’ve ever heard of them,” James commented.
Regulus crossed his arms.“I could get into a relationship if I ever wanted to.”
“Really?” James leaned forward. “No evidence of that, you’ve never been in one.”
“Oh, better than you, who’s been in so many he’s ran through,” Regulus said.
“I think most call that experience,” James replied.
“Oh, because their experience was so good, they all left?”
“Can we get back on track?” Sirius said. “What would it take, James? What would it take for you to actually go out with someone?”
“Fine, what would it take?” James asked. “Well, they’d have to actually have a compatible sexuality.” Seeing his friends’ unamused faces, he continued. “I dunno, they’d have to be hot. They need to be smart, too, and driven, because I can’t have our relationship be their entire life. Oh, and a good person.”
“Wow, I guess opposites do attract,” Regulus said. “Otherwise, no clue how anyone’d get with you.”
“So hot, smart, and good? Sounds like me, eh, Prongs?” Sirius nudged James, who sighed. Remus rolled his eyes. “Hey if you had a crush on me, you just had to say.”
“In your dreams, Padfoot,” James replied. “You’re already in a relationship. But that’s the problem, everyone good feels like they’re already taken.”
“That’s probably why you’re not taken,” Regulus snarked.
“You could always go to bars or go on a dating app,” Remus offered.
“I don’t care enough,” James said. “And I’d rather date someone I’ve already known. Look, if the perfect person wants to fall into my lap, they can be my guest. I’m just not looking for anything.”
Regulus looked at his watch. “Shit, I’m late. I need to go, I’ve got poker night with my friends.”
Sirius lit up at hearing that Regulus had ‘friends.’ (James wasn’t sure why, as Regulus had had friends for months, but Sirius got overprotective sometimes.)
“Good riddance,” James said.
“Not sure why I even needed to be here,” Regulus commented, standing up.
“That makes two of us,” James said.
“Oh! Right,” Remus said. “James. Regulus. Can you both join me outside for a second?”
Sirius and Peter looked at each other, shrugging. James and Regulus followed Remus to the hallway outside their apartment.
Remus looked James and Regulus both in the eye. “Look, I didn’t want to do this, because we’re all adults, but I need both of you to be on your best behavior at the party.”
“What?” James asked.
“No arguing at Sirius’s birthday,” Remus said. “I thought you were mature enough that we wouldn’t have to have this conversation… But seeing how you two are still at each other’s throats, I’ll say it. Sirius has been looking forward to this for too damn long for you two to ruin it with your bickering. So no fighting, no arguing, no insults, no passive aggressive snarky comments interrupting other people’s conversations, none of that. Sirius’s party is going to be about Sirius, not the two of you behaving like five year olds. Are we clear?”
Like chastised children, James and Regulus both mumbled ‘yes.’
“I said, are we clear?”
James and Regulus spoke a louder ‘Yes.’
“Good,” Remus said. “Bye Regulus.”
James and Remus walked back inside. “Remus, mate, you ever consider being a teacher?”
REGULUS
Regulus walked back to his apartment. By the time he walked in, Barty, Evan, Pandora, and Dorcas were already sitting at the table, the poker case open and chips distributed. “Sorry for being late, I was at Sirius’s.” He knew his friends didn’t mind, but his mother had deplored when he was late, and old habits died hard.
“Ah, so he was late because he needed to have a lover’s spat with Potter,” Barty said.
Regulus rolled his eyes, refusing to comment on the ‘lover’s spat’ part. “Actually, I was late because Remus was telling us not to fight at Sirius’s birthday,” Regulus explained, electing not to mention that he was already running late before Remus had given him that talk..
“You two in a room, not fighting?” Evan snickered. “That’ll be the day.”
“Screw you, I can be mature, as long as he is first,” Regulus said.
“Real mature of you,” Dorcas snarked.
“I believe in you,” Pandora chimed in, shuffling the cards absentmindedly.
“Thanks,” Regulus said.
“What’s your deal with James, anyway?” Evan asked.
“I dunno,” Regulus said, “He was a right bitch to me when Sirius first introduced us, so I was a right bitch back. And things have just gotten more intense since.”
“That’s it?” Evan asked. “I find it hard to believe James was just… mean to you.”
“Who can tell what’s going on inside the elusive brain of James Potter?” Regulus said. “He’s had it out for me, and two can play at that game.”
“I think you two could be playing better games,” Pandora said. “Why don’t you guys just stop?”
Truthfully, it was because arguing with James gave him an unparalleled thrill. There was satisfaction in knowing that James, who was nice to every single person on the planet, was mean to him. James was not endlessly patient, as his patience ended with Regulus Black. Also, Regulus had too much pride to back down first. Instead of saying all this, he just said, “Because he makes me angry.”
“Speaking of games, can we actually start playing poker now?” Evan asked.
They all grabbed their poker chips and began betting. As the night went on, chips slowly changed hands. Barty had gone from having the most to having the least several times over the course of the evening. Evan’s supply slowly increased, draining that of Regulus and Pandora.
“Random question and I obviously don’t care, but do you know if that blond girl with the choppy hair will be at the party?” Dorcas asked, folding. Barty swept up his earnings.
“No clue,” Regulus said. “If she’s friends with Sirius, though, then probably.”
“Dorcas Meadows,” Barty said. “Do you have a crush?”
“No,” Dorcas said. They all stared at her. “Maybe. Yes. Look, she’s hot, okay?”
“No argument there,” Barty said. “Kind of unfair how hot Potter and his friends are.” Evan shifted uncomfortably.
“Potter is not hot,” Regulus said.
“You keep telling yourself that,” Barty said with a smirk. “Alright, who’s ready for another round of me taking all your money?”