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Nicholas normally enjoyed parties: he loved the strobe lights and how they burned his eyes if he stared at then for too long, he loved the cocktails made of god-knows-what.
But seeing two of his best friends, Fuma and Yudai, practically swallowing eachother whole, honestly ruined his whole night.
Not because he was homophobic, no, he'd never be... In reality, he just felt completely overwhelmed with jealousy. Not jealous as in, he wanted Fuma or Yudai for himself; he felt the most gut-wrenching envy of seeing the two adore eachother.
He knew how much the two were in love with eachother, he'd noticed it even before they got together officially, and it absolutely wrecked him, to see two people fall in love with eachother so adorably. He was supposed to be happy for them, but he could not bring himself to truly be content with it, his thoughts on the couple too overshadowed with resent.
Why couldn't he have someone to idolise him like that? To practically worship him - as Fuma did to Yudai - or to shower him with affection constantly - as Yudai did to Fuma?
He was so utterly jealous that it made him feel sick; how heartless must he be to have so much hatred for one of his friends relationships?!
"Ugh, guys, can't you seriously get a room!?" Nicholas snarked. He was aware of how rude he sounded, if anything, he did it on purpose.
The two boys separated themselves, looking at Nicholas in confusion. He'd never lashed out at them before. Sure he'd glanced at the couple funny a few times, but he'd never acted on it.
"I guess...Are you alright, Nico?" Yudai replied, curiously. He wasn't angry, which surprised Nicholas. He thought that Yudai might've been at least a little miffed.
His stomach churned with guilt as he saw the two boys' concerned faces. They always treated him well, even when he was rude, which was quite often for Nicholas. Even when he stared at the two just holding hands with contempt and disgust, even when he glared at the back of their heads when they walked together. They didn't seem to care, or maybe they just pretended not to notice.
"I'm fine..." Nicholas mumbled, hard for them to even hear him over the loud music.
Nicholas cursed himself for getting rude with the two of them. It had been a long time since his last outburst, and he wasn't planning on having another today. Fuma and Yudai noticed how Nicholas's shoulders tensed and his frown deepened. They immediately knew something was wrong: the two of them basically acted like his caretaker on nights out.
"Do you want to leave this place, Nico?" Fuma asked, resting a gentle hand on his shoulder, staring at Nicholas with those understanding eyes.
Before Nicholas could even nod properly, the two were already packing up to leave. Guilt gnawed at his chest, as he remembered how much fun Fuma and Yudai were having just ten minutes ago. He felt extremely ashamed for stealing that joy away from them.
Suddenly, his arm was yanked so hard he felt as though it was pulled out of its socket, and the three had finally left the party. Nicholas took a moment to take a breath of fresh air, relieved at last as the clean smell of it filled his nose instead of the sticky, sweaty stench from inside the party.
"I'm so glad we're out of there... Thanks so much, guys, you always look out for me." Nicholas muttered thankfully, as he looked down at the concrete pavement solemnly.
"Heeyyy, don't get all sentimental on us now.." Fuma joked, making a weird gesture with his hand that Nicholas couldn't quite make out the meaning of. "You know you're still our buddy, even if you are a bit of a buzzkill."
Buzzkill.
Nicholas hated that word with a passion: he'd been called it so many times in his life that it may as well have been on his birth certificate.
He just nodded awkwardly, and subtly shook off Fuma's hand from his shoulder. "Gosh, thanks Fuma..."
Nicholas glanced at Yudai, who was calling an Uber to pick them up. Usually he would drive them home, but he had a few drinks through the night, and no-one felt safe driving with a drunk Yudai on the wheel. They'd be stuck in a ditch in 10 minutes, probably less.
The Uber was warm and stuffy. Nicholas reached to open the window, but the driver scolded him and told him to keep them shut or to get out.
What an overreaction, Nicholas thought, oddly terrified of the man in the driver's seat.
As he sat in the passenger seat, hearing Fuma and Yudai's sweet nothings in the backseats made Nicholas's car ride the most awkward place he'd ever been in his entire life. Covering his ears with his hands wouldn't have been suitable, it would've been too obvious. He just tried to zone out instead.
When the car finally arrived at Nicholas's apartment block, he let out a sigh of relief he didn't even know he was holding. He waved to the two and said goodnight, but they didn't even notice anyway, too invested in eachother to even feel the car stop moving.
Nicholas scowled as the car pulled away. He was so fucking jealous of their unconditional love for eachother. He wished the best for them, he really did. But sometimes, he just really wanted them to break up. So they'd stop pulling at his heartstrings, stop making him feel so fucking lonely.
That night, Nicholas's mind raced with envious thoughts, and no matter how hard he tried to suppress it, jealousy still plagued his heart. It was a miracle that he had managed to contain his resent in that Uber, as he was forced to listen to the agitating couple rambling on to eachother about fuck all.
Beautiful images of a perfect partner filled his thoughts, and Nicholas felt like sobbing pathetically right there and then. Why couldn't that perfect person show themself to him? To give him the affection that he had so craved for so long? To love him more than anyone else?
He woke up with horrifyingly deep circles under his eyes, a stark reminder of his fitful sleep - if you could even call it sleep. Nicholas felt as though he hadn't slept a wink.
His morning routine was sloppy and slow; his eyes threatened to close every time he yawned.
His toothbrush nearly fell out of his mouth when he started to doze off in the bathroom, and he accidentally rubbed soap into his eye, making him shriek in pain as it stung with rage.
His clothes were all creased, not a single shirt looked fit for wearing. His selection of slacks wasn't much better either, it was like he was setting himself up for public embarrassment.
His shirt was halfway buttoned up when he looked at the time on his phone and realised he had to be at work in half an hour. He had to be at his work which was 20 minutes away in half an hour.
He honestly considered calling in sick, but he really needed the money, so he just sucked it up and frantically got ready in 10 minutes.
In no world did he pay attention to what speed he was doing in his car. He just did whatever would get him to work quick enough to not be late.
He checked his watch as he stepped into the office. 9am sharp. He sighed, and felt very faint. But at least he'd made it on time.
"Oh, hey Nicholas! I was wondering when you'd get here. How are you holding up, after last night?" Nicholas' friend, Yuma, asked, clearly he'd noticed the dark bags underneath his eyes. He could always count on Yuma to point out his faults everyday.
"Who's idiot decision was it to throw a party on a Sunday again?"
"You sound happy. I'm assuming you had a great time, am I right or am I right?"
"You're absolutely goddamn wrong...I feel so rough and tired today. I think I might actually fall asleep on this keyboard."
Yuma laughed, and showed him his extortionate amount of unread emails. "I'm not sure falling asleep is an option today, bro..."
Nicholas ran his hands over his face, slapping his cheeks to gain his consciousness back again. "Ugh, I swear I get more and more emails every day I come here."
"I totally get that, but at least the job pays well?"
"Bullshit. Isn't everyone here on minimum wage apart from Takayama?"
"You know it..." Yuma sighed, resting his face on his hand. "We should be grateful for what we get though, right?"
Nicholas nodded, and decided to actually focus on his work for the first time since he arrived. Of course Nicholas liked his job. He had Yuma there to talk to him. And he got paid enough - well, that was debatable.
Nicholas caught up to Yuma after work had finished. The two walked out of the building together, and were about to go their separate ways, but Nicholas stopped Yuma before he could walk off.
"Wait- Are you still coming to the bar tonight?" Nicholas asked Yuma. He had invited his co-worker to come hangout with him and his old school friends, he'd wanted to introduce Yuma to them for a long time.
"Yeah, of course I'm coming! You know I could never turn down an offer from you! And, I'd love to meet your friends!"
Nicholas had noticed a while ago that he was Yuma's only friend. He had snuck looks at Yuma's phone, and he normally had no messages, only notifications from work emails. Whenever he asked Yuma if he was doing anything on the weekends, he was rarely busy, he always just stayed at his apartment by himself.
"Yeah, I'll get an Uber to pick you up, 'kay?"
Nicholas spent maybe half an hour getting ready. Including showering, which took up about ten minutes. He didn't really pride himself in looking the best. It had been a long time since someone had asked him out at a bar or nightclub, so he didn't put that much effort in. Especially not for his friends.
Phone, keys and his wallet were the only things that Nicholas put in his bag. He didn't like calling it a purse. Of course it wasn't a purse.
For a brief moment after Nicholas locked his front door, he checked it again. And the twice more. He wondered why he was feeling so paranoid today. There was really nothing wrong with him at all.
Finally, the Uber finally arrived in front of his apartment block, and he climbed in to find Yuma already in the car. He'd forgotten that he told the Uber to pick him up first. He relaxed in the car, letting his shoulders go back. For some reason, he had been feeling on edge for the past half-hour, so it was nice to know that a friend was in the car with him.
"Hey, Nico, you okay?" Yuma asked, a hint of humour mixed with concern in his voice. He had seen how Nicholas was previously tense and hunched over.
Surprised, Nicholas glanced right, looking at Yuma with a small smile on his face, to convince the boy he was completely fine. Nothing was bothering him at all, as usual.
"Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just.. glad to be going out with my friends."
"But why did you seem so tense just now? You looked as if you had seen a ghost in your apartment!" Yuma hissed, looking at him with eyes which practically screamed 'Don't bullshit me.' He placed a hand on Nicholas's shoulder, his movement jerky as he wriggled his arm out of the car seatbelt. "You know you can always tell me if there's something going on in your head, Nico, right?"
Suddenly, the deep voice of the taxi driver growled from the front seat. "Boy, put your arm back in that seatbelt right now. I'm not having any casualties on my Uber record!"
Nicholas watched as his friend squeaked in shock and hurriedly moved his arm back. "Sorry sir!" He had to hold in a laugh when he looked at Yuma's intimidated face.
"Anyway.. Please tell me if you're ever going through something, Nico, please! I don't care if it's family drama, friends drama, work problems.. Just tell me none-the-less, I'll help you in any way I can!" Yuma promised Nicholas, smiling kindly.
"Ugh, stop getting so sentimental on me, Yuma! We're going to the bar, not a therapy session!" Nicholas snickered as he looked over at Yuma with a bemused grin. "You know I'm fine, so stop asking!"
His friend's smile was replaced with a solemn look of disappointment. Nicholas felt like kicking himself. Of course he cared when his friends thought about him and checked on him, but he didn't realize it would make Yuma unhappy by lightening the mood a little. Suddenly the cramped car fell silent and Nicholas watched as Yuma looked out of the window instead of at him; an unreadable frown on his normally teasing face.