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Today had everything to be a great day.
It was Saturday, and even though most weekends were like hell for Till, — for having to deal with his foster father's, Urak, anger — today it would be alright.
That was because his boyfriend, Ivan, had asked him out on a date.
Ivan and him had been together for quite some time now, almost two months. Till had been the one to confess, surprised when the raven told him he’d felt the same since they were kids.
The mirror reflected Till, dark cargo pants, his custom skeleton shirt and some of his piercings and rings. He had tried to fix his hair, but it was just way too stubborn, so he decided it was easier to leave it natural. Till also used some eyeliner –he liked how it made his eyes pop out more.
He grabbed his bag, sending Ivan an “leaving rn” before shoving his phone inside it.
“Goodbye, Urak.” Till said as he got to the door, bowing down, tense.
His foster father muttered something, too worried about the game results to even care that Till was leaving.
He knew better than to not say goodbye and bow.
As soon as he stepped out of the door, relax took over his body. Till started walking, going down the road until he was next to their usual meeting spot, a small local market.
When he got there, Ivan’s car — it wasn't actually his, but rather his father's, but he was allowed to borrow it — was already parked. Till almost hopped to the car, excitement and happiness already taking the place before occupied by the tension.
“Hey, baby” Till felt his cheeks getting hot as Ivan greeted him fondly.
“Hi, Vani.” Till buckled his seatbelt, getting even more red when his boyfriend catched his hand and let a small kiss on his knuckles, intertwining their fingers. “Fuck you” he cussed softly, in false irritation.
Ivan laughed, and gods did he love that laugh.
The car took off, Fragile, from Laufey, playing on the car’s radio. He could hear the raven humming the lyrics under his breath.
“So.. how was your day?” Ivan asked, looking at the road while still caressing Till's hand.
“Kinda lame, to be honest,” Till admitted “I was just waiting to go out with you” he smiled, watching the other’s neck grow pink. “What about your’s?”
“Pretty much the same,” Ivan looked at Till, as they stopped at a red light, a small smile sitting there, “Sua was just being annoying the whole day.”
Till laughed at the mention of his sister. Sua was a great person, and her girlfriend, Mizi, was Till's kindergarten best friend. He always asked himself if, in the case he had a sibling, they would have a relationship just like Sua and Ivan. It was a dumb thought though, Urak made sure to let it clear that he was disappointed with Till, and would never adopt any other kid, in case they disappointed him too.
“Baby?” Ivan's voice brought him back to the moment, “Are you alright?”
“Mmhm, just got a little distracted.” He really didn't like lying to Ivan, but sometimes it felt like it was necessary.
“Okay, just remember that you can tell me anything, yeah?” Till nodded, not knowing what he did to deserve such a wonderful boyfriend. “We’re almost there.”
They got there in less than 5 minutes, the lights inside the arcade leaking out from the glass entrance. Ivan got out of the car first, running to open the door for Till, who mumbled a “shut up” before getting off the car too.
“But I didn't even say anything!” Ivan dramatized, putting a hand to his chest. Till rolled his eyes, grabbing his boyfriend’s other hand and pulling him inside.
The arcade was considerably empty, some parents and their kids and friends were the only ones inside it.
“I bet I beat you in Street Fighters!” Till said, pointing to a machine.
They went up to the Street Fighters machine, each one standing in front of a joystick, the list of fighters open for them. After they chose, the game started, and the results were… well, expected. Till won with low effort. Ivan wasn't really a player.
“Hey! That's not fair, I want another round!” The raven said, just like a kid.
“Wow, you really want to lose…” Till joked, getting a stuck out tongue from Ivan.
They played another round, Ivan changing characters as, in his own words “i only lost because this character is dumb”. It didn't change much, though, as Till won again.
The game was restarted many times, and Ivan always had another excuse for why Till was winning all of them. “Your character is too overpowered!”, “your side is better!” or “I wasn't paying attention!”. In the end, Till won all of them.
“You're cheating, I know you are!” Ivan said, finally giving up on playing the game, “you're the worst boyfriend ever…” he pouted.
“Yeah I am, sorry Vani” Till laughed, bringing his hand up to hold the other’s face, laying a soft kiss to his lips. Ivan's face lit up in a smile, already forgetting the many games he lost.
The day passed like this, laughs and pouts filling it with love. In the end they had played almost every game in the arcade, and Till was leaving with a tillbun plushie Ivan had gotten for him after losing 30000 won in the claw machine.
They hopped back into the car, laughing about something Ivan had said earlier. The drive back was quieter, a comfortable silence filling up the air.
As Till left the car, Ivan came up to him, holding his cheeks and giving him a longer kiss, still just as soft as it always was.
Till noticed they were already in front of his house, goosebumps rising as realization hit him. He looked to his house, the only light in the road, his foster father was in the window.
Urak saw it.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
Till looked at Ivan, again, doing his best to hide his despair. “You have to go.” He stated, receiving a confused look in return. Although clearly not understanding why, Ivan got back into the car, giving Till a both concerned and worried look before driving off.
Till walked to the door, suddenly too aware of every step he took, his insides flipping and turning in nervousness. When he got there, the door was open.
Urak stood there, a disappointed and angry gaze in his eyes.
“Go to your room.” Was all he needed to say for Till to know he was fucked.
“Listen, is not what it looks like,” Till started, his own gaze wandering everywhere except his foster father’s eyes, “I promis-”
“I said go to your room!”
Till ran up the stairs, feeling Urak's anger as if it was a physical concept. He entered his bedroom, and was about to leave his phone and bag on the bed, the tillbun plushie hidden inside it, when he felt the rage of his guardian.
A slap went straight to his face, making him drop the objects. Shit..
“Urak, I’m sorry, I-”
“Silence!” He screamed, his hand again up in the air “I didn't raise a fucking faggot! How dare you ashame me like this!”
A punch to his stomach made the air flow out of his lungs, tears streaming down his face.
“Sorry, please…” Till pleaded, voice cracking and barely hearable. He stepped back, hands in front of his face.
“I told you to shut up! Can you not understand!?” Urak shouted, his hand already making its way to deal another punch onto the boy. His back hit the wall, making him hiss.
Sorryfuckwhathaveidoneohfuckimsosorry, the teal haired thought to himself, not able to think comprehensively anymore.
He shouldn't have done it, how could he even think of liking someone of the same gender? It was disgusting and his foster father was most surely right about it. Otherwise, he wouldn't have been punishing him for doing so. Till was so dumb. So dumb. So incredibly stupid.
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
“So stupid”, Till muttered without even thinking. His eyes widened and throat closed, realizing what he had just done.
“Do you hear yourself?!” Urak's hand made its way to Till's neck, squeezing it so that the air passage was almost blocked, “This is so disrespectful! I should have never even adopted you, you ungrateful child!”. The boy gasped for air, as the hand in his throat strengthened, making it unable to breath.
Fuck.
He couldn't breathe, the panic made him gasp for air that would not come, hands pulling the ones that forced the air out of him. Would he die like this? He could already see his vision blurring –his eyelids, soaked in water, fought to stay open. Till felt tears running down his face.
At least, he thought, if I die here I won't have to deal with any of it anymore…
Just as he was about to give in, letting death take him to wherever it was that the dead went, the grip on his neck was gone.
“Tsc, I can’t even fucking kill you, or else I’ll be the one “wrong””, he heard Urak mutter before walking away, slamming the door close and leaving the boy to cry on the floor.
Till gasped for air, hissing in pain when it finally came in. It was harsh and cold, and it made both his lungs and throat hurt. Maybe it would’ve been better if he had killed me, he thought, as he slipped down the wall.
Slowly, he pulled the brim of his shirt, looking at his ribs. It felt more painful than it looked. Now, fully sitting on the floor, Till brought his knees to his face, every movement making another part of his body ache.
He was used to Urak’s temperament. This wasn't the first time he had hit him, it was just way worse than any other.
He grabbed his phone, which had fallen to the ground some time ago. His shoulder ached as he did so.
──｡°✩ ᯤ ✩°｡──
You
we need to break up
Vani💖
what??
ru serious?
till???
You changed this contact to Ivan
Ivan
is this some kind of prank?
its not funny ok
till
till, please at least explain it
is it something i did?
till?
You blocked Ivan
──｡°✩ ᯤ ✩°｡──
Till knew Ivan was right. It was an ass attitude to break up with him and not even tell him why, but he had to. It would hurt less than explaining it all.
Some weeks ago, before he had built up the courage to ask Ivan out, Urak caught him in a call with Mizi, where he talked to the girl about his feelings for the raven.
Till had to end it early, because seconds later his foster father was beating him up for it, telling him how he shouldn't have feelings for the same gender, as it was disgusting.
He couldn't risk getting beaten up like this again.
It was easier to cut it all with Ivan.
That night, Till slept thinking about Ivan and his foster father, tears wetting his pillow.
─ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─
“Till? Are you listening?” Mizi asked, and the teal haired just nodded in response.
Mizi was talking about some date she had with Sua, but even if he tried to pay attention, Till really couldn't.
He hadn't been talking the whole day.
Actually, the whole week.
It was just useless, his voice wasn't really changing in any ways. Urak didn't listen to him, the jocks didn't, and even Mizi didn't seem to care much about him talking.
It was also easier, he could write whenever he really had to say something, but most of the time just nodding was enough.
In his peripherical vision, he saw Ivan approaching.
The bell rang, for his utmost relief. He stood up, waving to Mizi and walking far from the raven, straight to his class.
Ivan had been following him since the message, anywhere he went he had less than 5 minutes until the taller boy would find him and try and talk to him. Till had been avoiding him since then.
His classroom was the only place he really had peace. While Till used to be all over the school, he now only stayed in his class and the canteen when it was lunch time. Sometimes, Ivan was able to find him fastly during lunch, and so he had to run to a hidden place behind the school.
Lately, his sketchbook had been his best friend. Wherever he went, Till would bring the book with him, as staying quiet gave him quite some time to draw.
The days passed quickly, leaving nothing but blurred memories.
Some people — Sua, Luka and Mizi after some time — had asked Till why wasn't he talking, but he would just brush it off, he was always somewhat quiet, anyways. Two weeks after the breakup, while in the music classroom, Till talked about it for the first time.
The band, in which Till, Hyuna, Dewey and Isaac played, had weekly meetings for practice. The week before had been canceled because Hyuna’s brother, Hyun-woo, was sick and she was the one taking care of him, and both Dewey and Isaac wouldn't be able to come too, so Till just practiced at home. Today, though, they were meeting there after class, as they were used to.
Till was silent for the whole practice, his electric guitar speaking all the words he wouldn't speak. Dewey and Isaac didn't say much of it, it was common for Till to be quiet in the band when he had had a bad day.
But Hyuna intervened.
As soon as they stopped playing, Isaac and Dewey packed up quickly to go home, and Hyuna approached Till while he packed his guitar.
“You were quiet today.” It wasn't a question. Till shrugged. “I mean it. You are naturally quiet, I know this, but I can see there is something wrong.”
Till grabbed his sketchbook, opening on a blank page and writing, not really carefully. “Don't feel like talking, just it”
“You know, I heard about the breakup” She started, and when he looked up it was clear the concern on her face, “and I know both of you were happy and sappy about the relationship, so I really don't understand why.”
“It just didn't work.” He wrote, tense, his guitar already left forgotten by his side.
“Oh please, I am not forcing you to tell me ok? Just don't lie to my face.” Hyuna sat down in front of him “Even on bad days you would have already spoken by now, I just want to know if you're okay.”
Till sighed, writing more on the sketchbook, this time it took a little longer.
“If I’m being honest, no I’m not okay. I really wished I could be with Ivan, I was in fact so happy with him, but I can't. I don't think speaking is of any help, and even if I thought so, I don't think I’ll be speaking for a long time. I also can’t say why, I hope you understand, but I am not mentally or physically able to.”
Before he noticed, hints of tears prickled his eyes. He blinked fast, trying to hide them while Hyuna read the “note”.
“Yeah, I understan-” She looked up, looking at her friend, “Oh, Till…” Hyuna laid the sketchbook next to him and grabbed his hand, her thumb rubbing circles on the back of it, “You know, you could learn KSL. Korean Sign Language. It will need effort, and not everyone will know it, but it would be a way of talking without your voice.”
Till really hadn't thought of it. His school offered extracurricular language classes, and between them there was KSL. It wasn't a bad idea at all. He nodded, going forwards to hug Hyuna.
He wiped his tears with the long sleeve shirt, grabbing his sketchbook and writing “Thanks, you're amazing” in messy handwriting.
“Don't bother,” Hyuna answered, smiling. “Oh, I forgot to say this, you really should try to talk to Ivan, like, not literally talk because you don’t– ah, you get what I mean!” Till laughed, writing again on the page.
“Lol, I get it. Thanks for the advice, I will try.”
“Ok, good.” She stood up, offering a hand for the teal boy, who grabbed it “Y’know you can always count on me, right?” Till nodded, and Hyuna smiled again.
──｡°✩ ᯤ ✩°｡──
You unblocked Ivan
You
hey ivan
im sorry for not telling u why i wanted to breakup
i am willing to tell you if youd like
Ivan
yeah, please do
im not mad, you know that right?
You
so, yknow my father isnt the best person
he is like, a super homophobe
it kinda got in my head, but thats not the point
but, yeah, he wasnt hsppy when he knew abt us
like, really not happy
mad
and well, he
he is an abusive parent, ivan
i was scared
i thought id die
i may have hoped i would, but thats not the point
again
but yeah, lol
the way i had of solving it was breaking up
i should have told you earlier tho
Ivan
im sosorry abt it
like, really the breakup isnt that bad compared to this
are you ok?
──｡°✩ ᯤ ✩°｡──
Before Till knew, he was crying, no, scratch that, he was sobbing on his bed. First it was because of his own messages, thinking back to the thought that maybe it would've been better if Urak had in fact killed him. But then, there was Ivan.
Ivan's message wasn't him angry because Till hadn't told him before, he was worried. And hell how he wished they could still be together.
──｡°✩ ᯤ ✩°｡──
You
honestly?
not really
i mean, im happy ur not angry
i thought youd be
but my mind is just too much rn
Ivan
i dont have the right to be angry
like, if you wanted to breakup with no reason id be confused, but id respect it
can i call you?
you dont have to say yes
dont feel pressured to
id just like to talk
You
yeah, so…
i dont really feel like talking anymore
like
i am learning ksl
korean sign language
Ivan
oh
You
something in me tells me i shouldn't really talk
so i just dont
its not like people would hear me anyways, lol
not u tho
u would hear me
Ivan
well, then ill learn ksl too
if youre okay with us talking again
if no i can idk
not learn ksl
You
no no, if your willing to learn pls do
id really like to talk to you
i just dont know what to do abt urak
my father
Ivan
idm to be nosy
but you should report him
ik its not easy, but if i got it right this is abuse
You
idk
it feels ungrateful
shit, gtg
cya later ig
──｡°✩ ᯤ ✩°｡──
Till didn't really have to go, it was just a sensible topic for him. He knew Ivan was right, he should report Urak, but, like he said, it felt like being ungrateful. Not only that, Till was scared of how far his foster father would go if he reported him for child abuse.
In sum, Till was not ready to deal with Urak's taking-care-of-issues-at-home methods.
He wiped his tears, opening the app the school’s teacher had recommended. It was a KSL learning app, with different types of lessons and explanations. Till didn't really like the app, it was helpful, for sure, but he liked videos of people who were fluent in the language better.
Watching someone make funny jokes or just share a recipe in KSL, while also speaking Korean, had become a way of enjoying part of his media whilst still learning.
Recently, Till had been following a certain tiktoker who did music content on tiktok. He did music reviews and recommendations, and sheet music and tutorials on some songs — Till was looking forward to learning ones —, but what amazed Till the most was his autoral music.
It wasn't only one, no, he had many.
When younger, Till would say he would be an independent singer when he grew up. He still wished to, even knowing how harsh the musical industry could be. And, for Till, watching someone pursue what he only dreamed of was incredible.
In three days — counting from when Hyuna gave him the idea —, Till had learned almost all the basics of the language.
He knew how to greet someone and say goodbye, to introduce himself, “thank you” and other words for good manners like these.
There were also those super random words, which he didn't need so early in learning, but he knew anyway. Examples were “coffee”, “flour”, “paint” and “painting” — which he made sure to know —, “song/music”, “musical” and some others.
And, of course, Till knew the alphabet. His teacher had told him he could spell a word whenever he didn't know the sign to it, even if it wasn't that common.
It was thinking about Ivan's messages and the new language he would fight to learn that Till fell asleep.
─ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─
Till's night had been one of the worst in some time. He tried to sleep, but every position just seemed to be discomfortable. It was somewhat like the night after Urak had… well.
When Till got to school, he wasn't surprised to see Ivan leaning on his locker, talking to… one of the jocks? He looked like one, and Till knew Ivan didn't really talk to anyone except Mizi, Sua and the jocks — those only because he was part of the team, he did not like them. As he got closer, he understood who it was.
“Well, I’m glad you're better,” Till heard the raven say, “See you around, Hyun-woo!”
Hyun-woo was, in fact, one of the jocks, but he was also Hyuna's brother. It was actually strange that Till hadn't ever seen him before.
“Hey,” The teal signed, as he got closer to his locker.
“Oh, hi.” He smiled, his face quickly turning into preoccupation, “Uhm, do you prefer that I talk in KSL? I could just talk too.”
“You can talk” Till laughed as the other's expression softened again, a calid smile taking place.
“Also, I don't really know a lot of KSL, sorry… I tried to learn the most I could, but one day is quite too few to really learn.” Ivan scratched his neck, and Till couldn't help but smile at how sweet this boy could be.
Oh what Till wouldn't give to be with him, to call him his, to kiss his face all over and-
His face quickly turned red. He had been staring at Ivan for some time now. Till threw his stuff inside the locker, trying to hide his thoughts behind the door.
“I don't know a lot either, don't worry” Till signed, after taking a deep breath. He had to spell some words. “Do you know the alphabet?”
“The alphabet? Yeah, I think it was the first thing I learned.”
“Then we should be fine.” Ivan laughed. Fuck, he was too gay for this boy.
They kept talking for some time, and the taller one dropped Till at his classroom, waving at him and going back to his own. The lesson was normal, except some parts that got blurry, as his mind would always go back to Ivan.
It was Tuesday, so as soon as his class ended Till headed to the music room, not before sending the raven a “going to the band practice, don't wait for me ;)” text.
As soon as he got there, he was greeted by Hyuna and her smile of someone who knew something.
“So… you and Ivan?” Till blushed, looking down to hide it as he laughed, “I’m so proud of you!”
“Hello to you too, Hyuna” He signaled, watching as her smile faded rather quickly.
“Oh, sorry I didn't really have time to learn KSL… Luka’s been having some… stuff going on.” She still had her smile there, but the worry hidden behind it was clear. He indeed didn't remember when he last saw the blonde —something strange considering how he would always follow Hyuna around.
Till stuck his hand inside his cargo pants’ pockets. God bless the person who created those. With his sketchbook and pencil in hands, he wrote:
“Don't mind it, are you okay though?”
“Yeah,” Hyuna said quickly, stopping before finishing the phrase, “Actually, not so much. I- I can deal with it, that’s what I’m trying to say. No need to worry.”
Till squeezed her shoulder, giving her a smile. It spoke more than any words ever could.
The practice that day went smooth, Dewey and Isaac’s laughter filling the air every now and then. Till was grateful for them. Both the boys had soon noticed something was off, this was clear as water, but neither of them pressed on Till for it.
Looking back now, the guitarist noticed that most of his friends had either shown their concern verbally or by actions, but all of them did. And Till was glad for it. In the last weeks, they were the only ones to notice.
It's not like Till had many friends to worry about him, anyways.
─ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─
The weeks passed in that same rhythm.
Till mastered most of KSL, as did Ivan. Hyuna was again fine, and Luka resumed attending school, even if it did take some time. Till and Mizi were also talking again. Well, not exactly talking.
So did the months.
And then the years.
As they got to university, it finally changed.
Already fluent in KSL, Till was able to find himself free from Urak's strict — and abusive — parenting, sharing a dormitory with Ivan. His life was so, so much better after it, and Till wondered why hadn't he escaped his foster father before.
He knew why.
It wasn't the only thing to change.
“Babe?” Ivan spoke up below him, his eyes soft but piercing, as they had always been, “Are you okay? You seemed distant for a while…”
Till nodded, smiling. “I’m happy, it's all.” he signed.
Just some weeks after moving in with Ivan, Till knew he could finally do something he’d been wanting for what seemed like decades. He asked Ivan with words, verbally spoken words, the first he'd been able to speak in years. The raven quickly said yes, and the next thing he knew were them cuddling and crying on the sofa.
Since the confession, Till had been able to talk sometimes. It was short and only in specific moments, but it was something.
Ivan sat up, leaving Till with a confused look on his face. The raven grabbed his cheek, his touch always so delicate, leaving a chaste kiss on his lips. He blushed instantly.
“I love you, you know?”
Till's answer was not with words. He kissed him back, now fully turned to his boyfriend. Oh how long he had waited to call him that again.
Ivan's hands held him by his waist, calloused but soft in such a hypocritical way. Till's own climbed up to the other's hair, always so fluffy and well cared. He could hear the raven basically purr.
The teal haired laughed, feeling as his boyfriend pressed pecks up his neck to his jawline, and finally one on his lips.
“What 's so funny?” Ivan asked, his eyes looked like he was draining Till's everything, but also giving all that was his with that warmth. Till loved those eyes.
“You,” he signed simply, “You look like a cat, you know?”
“Is it supposed to be a compliment?”
“In your case it can be, my love.” He watched as Ivan blushed, hiding his face on the curve of Till's neck. A smile washed over his face instantly.
He continued caressing the raven hair, tugging a stray strand behind Ivan's ear.
“You're so cheesy, I didn't know that by saying yes you would become so gay…” Ivan muttered, muffled by his neck.
“So you’d prefer it if I weren't?” Till signed after gaining the raven’s attention, poking him on his side.
“No!” He hugged Till tighter, leaving a fast peck on the corner of his lip. Till smiled, placing a hand on his chin and kissing him properly now.
It was Saturday, and as long as Hyuna didn't appear on their door randomly shouting for them to leave the door open, because “there are kids in the house” — it wasn't a house, and there were no kids —, they would definitely spend the whole day like this.
And, well, Till wouldn't have it any other way.