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'Being a part of the LGBTQ+ community shouldn't be a sin'
'If you love someone then love them!'
'Identify yourself the way you want to! Don't be afraid of others!'
Those are the words Goshiki always heard from other people. Back then, he'd disagreed with them, but now it was the opposite.
Being raised in a religious family the boy was taught to never fall for the same gender. But much to his dismay, those teachings were in vain the moment he first met a certain blond setter. And ever since, his mind began to betray him—filling his thoughts with images of him holding and kissing the setter. Thoughts that he never wanted, but yet he couldn't help it.
.
.
.
"Oi Goshiki, are you alright?" The boy flinched when he heard his name being called out by his upperclassman, the man who's the reason for him 'sinning'. Turning away to face the blond setter, he nodded "Yeah, I'm alright Shirabu-san!" he replied, his voice laced with an enthusiastic tone.
Furrowing his brows Shirabu leaned forward, arms crossed, his voice dripping skepticism.
"Yeah sure."
Goshiki straightened his posture immediately "I promise you Shirabu-san!"
Shirabu was quiet, narrowing his eyes at the bowlcut boy, "Alright...But if you're lying I won't give any set to you." The younger boy's eyes widened at the threat "That's not fair!" "The world isn't fair." Well he wasn't wrong.
Following the older boy's steps back to the net, they resumed practice with the team.
After practice the team headed back to the locker room, the usual noise of tired laughter, complaints, and dripping sweat filling the space.
Entering the shower stalls to quickly wash off the nauseating stench, the team then started to change back into their uniform. Normally Goshiki would've been the first to change back into his uniform, claiming that he defeated Ushijima in changing clothes.
However, today was different, the wing spiker wasn't buttoning his shirt fast as a bullet, instead he was busy giving discreet glances at how meticulous the setter was with his hair and nails. Course' everyone noticed this, everyone except for the setter himself.
"Tsutomu, why are you looking at kenjiro?" Tendou asked teasingly.
The moment those words were uttered, dread pooled in his stomach like cold water, in a second everyone was looking at Goshiki, including Shirabu.
"I-i.. I-I WASN'T!" He yelled, looking anywhere but their eyes.
"Then why's your face all red, Tsutomu?" His other upperclassman, Yamagata asked, a small grin forming on his face.
"I.. Just because, Yamagata-san." He muttered, still refusing to look at any of their eyes.
"Oh come on Tsutomu~ Don't be shy, tell us!" Tendou urged.
"Ugh, if he doesn't want to tell us then let him be Senpai." Shirabu said, Goshiki was grateful that he out of all people was defending him.
"He's right Satori, if Goshiki wasn't looking at anyone then he wasn't." Reon added, shaking his head as Tendou whined "Boo, you guys aren't any fun."
He sighed, thankful that the attention wasn't on him anymore. Tying his tie, closing his locker, he grabbed his bag heading to the door before looking back "I'm going now, bye."
He heard a few murmured goodbyes from his teammates, and then he exited the locker room.
The walk to the dormitory wasn't that long, but strangely it felt rather slow today. He couldn't understand why until he felt his heart doing a stupid flip the instant he heard Shirabu's voice. "Oi! Tsutomu! Hold on!"
'shit.'
He cursed silently, stopping mid-step. Holding his breath, he turned around to see Shirabu jogging towards him.
"Finally you stopped," His upperclassman breathed out, handing Goshiki his notebook that he had left. "You forgot this." The taller boy blinked for a moment before accepting the notebook, giving his senpai a slight bow "Thank you Shirabu-san!" His voice was slightly louder than he intended to, causing some of the remaining students to glance at their way.
"It's no problem Goshiki." He replied flatly, before walking past him. Goshiki then followed after, the second they arrived at the dormitory building, the taller boy bid his farewell to his upperclassman.
Striding in his heels, he reached his dorm and opened it, noticing that his roommate wasn't inside. 'He's probably on a date with his girlfriend.' He thought, closing the door behind him, he plopped onto his bed letting out a groan of frustration. "Why the fuck do I keep feeling like this to Shirabu-san?!" He asked himself, sitting up placing his head in his hands. "I..I can't feel like this to him—a guy! This...This isn't right, it's a sin!" Pressing his face on his palms, struggling to shut his 'sinful' thoughts.
But to no avail, he couldn't. Every time he attempted to shut his thoughts, he would appear. Images of him seeing Goshiki like this, his hands cupping his face in an attempt to comfort him. Groaning, once more he laid on his sides, not caring to change into his home attire.
“…Why can’t I stop…?” he mumbled, voice cracking.
His grip on his blazer tightened as his breath hitched.
“Why… if it’s a sin… then why did I end up like this?”
He asked, in the empty dorm.
He turned, rolling onto his back letting his tears out.
Crying alone.
The next day wasn't very kind to Goshiki, the moment he opened his eyes a throbbing pain settled behind his eyes, during classes he couldn't focus on anything that the teachers were talking about. Practice wasn't any different, not only was the pain amplifying, he was also losing his regular momentum.
The entire team noticed this.
After practice the team began their walk to the locker room, the second they entered Goshiki skipped the showers and quickly went to change his clothes.
That was enough to make even Ushijima who rarely gave the younger boy a glance looked at him, brows furrowing in concern.
"Tsutomu, are you alright?" Semi, who was next to goshiki asked, placing a hesitant hand on the boy's shoulder. Taking a deep breath, he straightened his back and nodded, faking his usual energetic self. "I'm fine Semi-san!"
Kawanishi, who was always quiet during practice spoke.
"You don't look fine." His voice blunt.
"I am!" He retorted, his voice slightly louder than before.
"Tsutomu you aren't, you're usually somewhat bad but now? You're even worse today." Shirabu said, his voice dripping with concern.
"I said I'm fine Senpai, you don't have to worry about me." The younger boy's voice weakened just a bit, that alone made everyone worry even more.
"Is there something wrong, Tsutomu?" Reon asked, his face filled with worry for his underclassman.
"You can always tell us if something's wrong, Tsutomu-kun." Tendou added, his voice missing its usual playfulness.
In an instant, Goshiki slammed his locker shut. The entire room went dead silent, that you could hear a pin drop, taking a shaky breath, he looked over at his upperclassmen, their face that was usually unreadable now wore myriads of emotions.
"Sorry, I just—Have a lot on my mind right now Senpais, I'm gonna go now, bye." He muttered, daring not to look at them.
He didn’t wait for a reply.
Before anyone could stop him, Goshiki grabbed his bag and turned toward the door.
His strides were fast, too fast.
He was about to reach the dormitory building when a voice stopped him, and just like that his heart pounded even more.
"Tsutomu." Shirabu said, catching up to him.
'Fuck.. Please not today..'
His mind pleaded, "Listen, as much as I dislike you, I.. I.."
The setter paused, that made Goshiki freeze.
That wasn't how his senpai usually talked.
"I can tell something's wrong, and I'm not taking another 'I'm Fine' from you." Shirabu finished, taking another step.
If he listened carefully he could almost hear the younger boy's heart thumping loudly in his chest. "I don't wanna talk about it.." He managed to mutter, head hung low his bangs falling over his eyes.
"You have to talk about it," The shorter boy retorted, his voice sharp but not unkind. "As the team's setter and unfortunately, your upperclassman, it's my duty to know what's wrong."
Goshiki didn't reply, instead he resumed his walk back to the dormitory, dismissing his upperclassman's concerns.
The next few weeks were relentless to say the least—Far worse than what Goshiki anticipated.
His test scores dropped rapidly.
His teachers were concerned about him.
Practices weren't better.
In reality, they got worse.
His jumps that were occasionally right on time were now delayed. His usual confidence was now diminished, to the point where he was benched today.
After practice, he hurriedly went to the locker room and changed his clothes. Exiting the room without looking or talking to his teammates, running straight to the dormitory.
However, this didn't stop a certain setter to confront him.
'Tsutomu, what's wrong with you?'
He thought to himself, furrowing his brows as he walked towards Goshiki's dorm.
"He's fucking lucky he's cute or I would've punched him already."
He muttered silently.
The second he reached the taller boy's dorm, he inhaled slowly, gazing at the younger boy's dorm door.
"What am I doing in life.." He mumbled, placing a gentle knock on the door. "Goshiki, it's me." He said.
His eyes looked down at the doorknob twisting and when he looked up his eyes met up with goshiki's roommate, "Oh hey!Yo Goshiki! It's your teammate, if you'll excuse me Senpai, I gotta go." His roommate said with a smile, opening the door, letting Shirabu enter bidding a farewell to Goshiki.
The second his roommate exited the dorm and closed the door, Shirabu locked his eyes to the taller boy laying on his bed, the blond boy frowned upon noticing that the younger boy was rather disheveled, his face lacking his usual smile, his hair going sideways.
"Hey Shirabu-san..." He muttered, sitting up from his bed, glancing up at his upperclassman. "Is there something wrong?" He asked, already knowing the answer.
Shirabu's frown deepened. "Yes, you. What's the matter? You've been out of your game for a week now!"
Goshiki flinched and replied hastily "I'm fine—"
"Don't you fucking say that you're fine when you aren't!" He snapped.
"Tsutomu, I noticed, the team noticed, EVERYONE NOTICED! What's wrong?! Just tell me so we can find a way to fix it!"
In that moment myriads of emotions crashed into him all at once.
"THATS THE THING! YOU CAN'T FIX IT!" The boy finally replied, his eyes filled with tears that dared to escape.
"You can't...No matter how hard you try you'll never fix me... I can't even fix myself..."
Voice cracking as he choked out a sob.
"Shirabu-san... I'm what's wrong... I-i I've been having sinful thoughts... About you.. Holding my hand... Kissing my cheeks.. It's wrong but..I can't help it... I know it's a sin and yet my brain and heart won't stop the feeling I have when I hear or see you.."
For the first time, Shirabu didn’t interrupt.
Didn’t correct him. Didn’t argue. Didn’t look away.
The younger boy let out a bitter chuckle.
"I tried everything...I tried to pray it away... I tried to hate it...But it didn't work.."
Wiping away his tears, a sad smile appeared on his face.
"I still have feelings for you.." He weakly said.
For a few minutes the room was quiet, only the sounds of their breathing could be heard. Then shirabu clicked his tongue, turning his gaze away from the outside hitter then back at him.
"You really think that makes you broken?"
He flinched and nodded.
Sighing he sat on the edge of the raven haired boy's bed, and turned to look at him.
"You're wrong Tsutomu, it's not a sin for you to feel like that."
Goshiki was about to protest when Shirabu silenced him. "Just listen to me," That made the taller boy go quiet. "As I was saying, it's not a sin." He repeated, his voice unwavering.
Goshiki looked away immediately.
“I don’t understand…” he whispered. “How can it not be? Everything I was taught—everything I believed—”
"Doesn't change anything."
"What..?"
He clicked his tongue again, annoyed with this conversation.
"Look, I know I'm not great at comforting people, but I know that it doesn't change anything, you don't have to feel disgusting for liking the same gender."
He said, his voice quieter than before.
"But...It feels wrong." The younger boy said hugging his knees.
"I figured." He said honestly, placing a hand onto his back. "But, feeling something isn't the same as being wrong, Tsutomu."
Shifting slightly he leaned his head forward, "I don't think you're wrong or disgusting Tsutomu."
"But what about the team—"
"They wouldn't care about this. Besides, I'm pretty sure almost everyone in the team is a part of the queer community."
"...I... Shirabu-san.." His lips trembled slightly. "Thank you.."
Raising a brow, he looked back at Goshiki tilting his head. "For what?"
"For not thinking that I'm disgusting."
"I'm not that heartless." He said, rolling his eyes in amusement. "You're really dramatic by the way."
The younger boy chuckled, wiping away the remaining tears from his face. "I'm not, I just thought you'd hate me..."
"Hate you? Why?"
"Because I was thinking about you, holding me and kissing me and whatnot."
"Idiot, why would I hate you for thinking of something as cute as that."
"Cute?" Goshiki questioned, heat creeping up on his neck.
"Yeah, like, It's stupid for you to think that I'd hate you just because you have cute fantasies of us acting all couple-y." He replied back, already regretting the words that went out of his mouth.
“…You’re not… disgusted?” he asked carefully.
Shirabu clicked his tongue. “If I was, I wouldn’t be sitting here.”
"Oh right..."
"You're still thinking bad about yourself aren't you?"
He slowly nodded earning a sigh from the other boy, "Tsutomu, for what it's worth I used to have those same thoughts." He confessed.
"You did?!" Goshiki exclaimed, his eyes widening a bit.
"Yeah, on Ushijima-san," The taller man's heart clenched a little, it wasn't a shock that his senpai had those same thoughts on Ushijima, after all he was amazing. "I still have those same thoughts but to someone else."
The younger boy perked up, leaning his face towards Shirabu.
"Who?" He asked.
Shirabu didn't reply for a moment, instead he lifted his hand and gently tucked in a loose strand of hair behind the taller boy's ear, causing the tip of his ears to turn red, "It's someone who's annoying, they're constantly loud and they have an ugly haircut."
Goshiki furrowed his brows, "He sounds like an asshole."
"Yeah, but it's his confidence that makes him endearing for me, especially his determination to surpass Ushijima-san."
Goshiki froze as he put two and two together, a small blush crept up his face. "I...is it me?" His voice barely a whisper.
"Who else has a ugly haircut?" Shirabu retorted, a small smirk appearing on his face.
"I..My hair isn't ugly!"
"Keep telling yourself that."
The room fell quiet, as if time had slowed down. "So ...Does this mean you..like me..?" Goshiki asked, his voice barely a whisper.
Shirabu looked away, a blush forming on his face as he slowly nodded. "Yeah, I guess so."
The bowlcut let out a ragged breath, running a hand through his hair, "And here I thought you'd hate me when you found out about my fantasies."
"I'm not." He replied, placing a hesitant hand on top of Goshiki's hand. "And just to be clear Tsutomu, this isn't a sin okay? Loving the same gender is normal, a sin means doing something bad."
The younger boy's breath hitched at the feeling of his senpai's hand above his, he looked at Shirabu, listening carefully to what he was saying and nodded slowly. "Okay Shirabu-san...But .. If it is a sin then... I'll gladly sin for you."
The blond boy didn't say anything at first, and just squeezed the raven's hand.
.
.
.
The next day Goshiki was feeling rather decent for the first time in the last few days.
His test scores were still low but he was slowly starting to pay attention to classes again. Practice went slightly well, he wasn't benched this day but his timing was still delayed, but at least his momentum returned.
The team excluding Shirabu didn't know what or who made their lowerclassmen return to normal, but they couldn't care less the only thing that mattered was that he was happy again.
The moment practice had ended, the team headed to the locker room, after taking a shower they changed back into their uniforms.
Tendou ever the nosy upperclassman asked Goshiki what made his frown turn upside down.
"Come onnn tell your dear upperclassman what made you go from sad boy to happy boy!" He exclaimed, placing his arm around the first year's shoulder.
"Satori, leave him be." Ushijima interjected, sighing in defeat the redhead backed away and returned to buttoning his blazer.
After getting dressed Goshiki bid his farewell, exiting the locker room heading back to the dormitory when a hand grabbed his from behind, "Wait Tsutomu." Shirabu said, his hand is ever so tightening its grip.
"Yeah?" He turned around, meeting those sharp cool eyes.
"Do you want me to walk you back to your dorm?" He asked, his features softening just a bit.
Nodding they quickly walked to his dorm, his upperclassman's hand still holding his, not caring about what others thought about it.
"Well, here we are." The wing spiker said, refusing to let go of the setter's hand.
"Alright, see you tomorrow Tsutomu." The setter replied, letting go of his hand. And began his walk to the second year hall when Goshiki spoke.
"By the way Shirabu-san..."
Pausing his tracks he turned to look at Goshiki again.
"Yeah?"
"Would..." Taking a deep breath he continued "Would you be my partner...?"
The older boy's eyes widened just a bit before he slowly walked back to Goshiki, looking up at him and fervently placed a kiss on his cheek.
"Sure."
In that moment Goshiki smiled and nervously placed a hand onto Shirabu's cheeks, before placing a kiss on his forehead.
"I love you Tsutomu..." Shirabu whispered.
"I love you too Kenjiro-san..." Goshiki whispered back.
In that moment Goshiki didn't care about what was right and wrong, but he knew being with Shirabu was right, and he couldn't have it any other way.