Work Text:
There’s something so unique about admiring a person so much you’d be willing to die for them, but at the same time hurting everytime they get something that you really really want. It’s not quite jealousy, I want to always be happy for you, and most of the time I am, but when you wear the same thing as me but you’re the one who gets a compliment, it hurts; when you can so effortlessly bring all the attention to you, it makes me feel stupid for being so shy, then I try not to be shy and I feel stupid for getting laughed at; when you garner the attention of someone I really liked, it hurts, it hurts because I know you didn’t know their name last week, it hurts because I really really wanted it. I’m not jealous of you, I love you. I admire you so much I want to be just like you, but it does hurt when you show me everything I’m lacking. It hurts when you try to make me feel better with fake compliments and things that aren’t true. It hurts when you try to convince me I’m something I’m not when I so obviously am. I have no problems with the truth but when you try to convince me otherwise I feel like I’m lacking, like I should be a certain way but cannot for the life of me achieve it. When you call me skinny I feel fat; when you call me pretty I feel ugly; when you say I have nothing to be embarrassed about I get embarrassed. I don’t know what went so fundamentally wrong with me, but I wish I was you.