Chapter Text
For a little over a year now, Katsuki has been Izuku's side bitch. He doesn’t even remember how this happened, but he feels the guilt weighing on him every day. He knows that this is wrong and he’s betraying his friendship with Ochako by sleeping with her fiancé, but he can’t help it, he’s loved Deku since they were kids, and even if he’s only getting a small amount of Izuku’s love, that’s okay with him because at least he’s getting some amount of love from the man he loves so much.
Everytime Bakugou sees ochako and izuku together he feels a mix of jealousy, sadness, and longing because he wishes that was him he wishes so badly he was in Ochako's place. He knows this is only a fantasy. Even if Deku weren’t with Ochako, he could never marry Deku unless they left Japan, but he’s not sure whether Deku would leave or even if he himself would want to. Their whole lives and families are in Japan. Leaving wouldn’t feel right, but if that was the only way to be with Izuku, he’d do it in a heartbeat. Japan would judge him and Izuku to no end for their love if it ever got out. He can barely even trust his own friends; only two people besides Deku know about Katsuki's feelings and his affair with Deku. Those are shoto and kirishima. He doesn’t even remember telling them because he was so drunk.
~~~~~
Katsuki was lying in bed alone. He wasn’t alone when he went to sleep, but Deku usually leaves before Katsuki wakes up, so he almost always wakes up alone. He stared at the wall as tears began to fill his eyes and pour out. He couldn’t control it. This was all so much, and he felt like a horrible person more than he already did. He was so tired of being Izuku’s second thought, but he knew if he ended things, he would probably never talk with Izuku ever again.
Katsuki wondered how long this could go on for. Izuku’s getting married in 8 months, and they're still fucking around. Katsuki also wondered if Izuku would break it off when it got closer to the wedding, or if he would keep fucking with Katsuki even while being married. I mean, cheating while in a relationship is one thing, but cheating while being married is a whole other thing. Katsuki doesn’t know if he could bring himself to fuck a married man, even if it was Izuku.
“God, I’m pathetic.” Katsuki said out loud.
~~~~~
Much later that day, Kirishima was over, and he and Katsuki were drinking, which Kiri should’ve realized was a bad idea because when Katsuki gets drunk, he breaks down every time. And unfortunately, Katsuki did get drunk while Kirishima was still somehow mostly sober.
They were just talking, and somehow they got on the topic of the affair situation.
“Maybe just tell Deku how you really feel and stop the whole thing, I mean, this can’t go on forever…” Kirishima says
“I want to. I want to end the whole thing, but I-i can’t… I can’t lose him… I can’t” Katsuki started to cry. “I feel the guilt every day, but I just can’t let go of him, and I wish every time he’s with her, he’d just leave her and come with me, but even if he did, I’d still have to hide my love for him. Do you really think Japan would accept an outwardly gay hero? I mean, that’s just bullshit. I don’t think Izuku will ever love me as much as I love him, and he shouldn’t… I don’t even know how he forgave me for how I used to treat him when we were kids. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I were him-shit i mean, I don’t even forgive myself, I can never forgive myself. He deserves to be happy, but I feel like I’m just weighing him down, and it’s selfish of him, I know it, I know I’m basically ruining his relationship and his career if this gets out to the public, but I can’t lose him- I can't." Katsuki says his voice cracked after every sentence.
“Katsuki…”
“No… I know I'm a horrible person and what I'm doing is bad, but I don’t even care anymore! I’ve loved him longer than she has, and I've known him longer. It’s not fair. Why does she get to live the life I've been waiting for?! It’s not fair at all. All I've ever wanted was him, but I can’t even have that because we’re both boys. Do you think he’d love me if I were a girl?” Katsuki said and choked on his own sobs. He covered his face, all he felt was shame. He knew what he'd done was wrong but he honestly couldn’t bring himself to care anymore. He doesn’t care that Izuku only comes to fuck him when his wife is gone, he’s stressed, or they got into an argument. He doesn’t care that Izuku is just using him. He doesn’t care if he only gets to feel Izuku’s love for a few hours every few weeks. He doesn’t care…